By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 22:58

Worth it

Today, my mom thought it would be funny to wake me up with a monster mask on, holding a knife, and screaming, "I'm going to kill you!" My first response was to punch her in the face then kick her. Guess who's grounded for a month. FML

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Family values

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Business savvy

By laywer_man - United States

Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML

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By AnnoyedByFriends

Today, my friends thought it would be fun to change my dad's name on my phone to my girlfriend's name. Guess who got an erotic text message when standing next to me while in the line to buy groceries. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

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By thanks sis - 3/7/2020 05:02

Role model

Today, I went over to visit my sister. She had a bunch of pictures of me on her wall. I thought it was sweet, but a bit odd. Turns out she looks at pictures of me to motivate herself whenever she doesn’t feel like working out. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2021 08:01

Family matters

Today, like every other day, my dad thinks my sister is autistic and needs therapy. He wants me to think that too. I'm pretty sure she is just introverted and hates our family. I wonder why. FML

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By douglisk1994 - United States

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML

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By can you read? - United States

Today, I got a ticket for driving without insurance. I gave the cop my insurance information, but he said it was invalid because it didn't show an expiration date. When I pointed out the information he was looking for, he ignored me and gave me a ticket anyway. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML

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By firedupasshole - 27/7/2020 05:01

Make your mind up

Today, while taking to-go orders at my restaurant, a customer called saying he wanted his food well done. He even said, “Burn it to a crisp.” Which is what I told the kitchen. When he came to pick it up, he opened his food, inspected it and screamed, “Not this burned, you damn retard!” and threw it at me. FML

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By gamerlaura

Today, after a very harsh argument from my mother about her not seeing her grandchild enough, I decided to vent out my rage in a text to my friend. It wasn't until after I sent the message, that yes, I sent that message to my mom FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newville

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

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By Milked Richard - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved out and took all his things with him. He also took some things that didn't belong to him, namely my rent money. My landlord comes tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was denied an animal adoption because I said "babies" instead of "kittens". Apparently that means I'm not serious about pet ownership. What?! FML

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By Kelli - 8/4/2020 02:00

That slaps!

Today, the whole time my husband and I had sex, my stomach flab violently slapped my thighs. The harder he pumped, the louder the slapping got. Time to lose some weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2020 17:01

Good listener

Today, in a deep depression, on my worst night, I reached out to a lifeline. Waited an hour for the counselor to arrive, listen for a few minutes, then tell me I should, "Get my mind off of it by planning my prom, sewing a dress or painting my nails." The application clearly shows I'm an adult man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

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By krray

Suspense

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Carmel

Today, I accidentally ran a stop sign. It wouldn't have been so bad if the stop sign hadn't been in a traffic cop's hands. FML

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By Sedici - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

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By F- Forever

Today, out of spite, I wrote "Ms. Piggy" instead of my professor's actual name in the heading of my essay. Guess what I forgot to do before turning it in. FML

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By yupimher

The long goodbye

Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

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By Live Sweet

Today, I finally hooked up with the guy that I have been in love with forever. If there is such a thing as soul mates, this guy is it. He's my best friend in the whole world. It was the worst sex I have ever had. FML

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By fired - Australia

Today, I was fired for the second time in as many days. I received a letter notifying me that I would no longer be working for the company, effective immediately. When I did not attend work the next day, I received a phone call firing me for not turning up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

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By AgathedeBlouse - France

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the arse. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, a classmate at college accused me of stalking her. All because I walked past her house. I was walking to the supermarket. FML

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By CoyoteOldOne - 12/9/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

DIY decoration tips

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

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By Stevski - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML

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By Phycheledic - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By Lemonhead - United States

Today, I was riding my bike back to my house. Suddenly I was hit by something in the head. I looked down to see a lemon on the ground and looked up to see a guy yelling at me in a car that was passing. He was yelling at me because I got in the way of the house he was throwing it at. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Rochelle

Today, I went fishing. Not only did I lose the fish, I lost the entire rod. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I finally got the chance to meet this wonderful guy I met on a dating site. She was very excited to see me, too. FML

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By Spatch - United States

Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me to say he is in San Francisco and is coming to see me. After scrambling to get ready, he calls me back to say he doesn't recognize the train station. After searching on Google Maps, it becomes clear he's drunk at Oktoberfest. In Germany. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my AC stopped working. It's currently 3:08AM and I have 2 fans running, a cold washcloth on my neck, and a window open. It's still hot as hell. Thanks, Florida. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 14:01

Living a lie

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

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By stick - United States

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

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By Birthday Surprise - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally shoot me in the leg for my birthday. FML

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Top comments

By tounces7 | 27

#7972872 - Friday 19 February 2021 23:33

Hopefully she grounded her own dumb ass for doing something so stupid?

By rainbowdonnareed | 15

#7972915 - Saturday 20 February 2021 6:49

Its a pandemic where were you going? I'd wait and get her back but use a friend

COMMENTS

By tounces7 | 27

#7972872 - Friday 19 February 2021 23:33

Hopefully she grounded her own dumb ass for doing something so stupid?

By diraven | 13

#7972908 - Saturday 20 February 2021 5:28

Your foster family will think this story is hilarious

By rainbowdonnareed | 15

#7972915 - Saturday 20 February 2021 6:49

Its a pandemic where were you going? I'd wait and get her back but use a friend

By mccuish | 18

#7972926 - Saturday 20 February 2021 8:01

I would’ve done the same