Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing... - FML

By -_- - 5/7/2013 21:59 - United States - Munith

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

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Out of it

Season finale

Risky business

By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 10:41 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I have an ear infection. The pain from it radiates from my ear all the way down the left side of my face, so my doctor prescribed me something that makes half of my face numb and pretty much unusable. Tomorrow, I have to give a presentation on strokes for my med class. Go figure. FML

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By MotherNatureMustDie - 27/10/2009 12:32 - South Africa

Today, my telephone line was hit by lightning. I discovered that not only will lightning fry a router, it will also destroy any PCs connected to that router via network cables. I also discovered that a $10 phone line surge protector would have saved nearly $3,000 worth of PC equipment. FML

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By theyarefarapart - 9/5/2011 07:05

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

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By The nice guy finishing Last - 27/3/2017 12:00

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

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By graveyard-sh*t - 29/10/2019 14:00

Oh, hi Sharon!

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

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By charliemann_ - 12/9/2011 14:28 - United States

Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response: "You need Jesus." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a show with my drama group. My mom isn't a good drunk, she decided to scream along to every song and pass out halfway through. She was in the front row. FML

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By Kan23 - 26/1/2016 03:37 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the happy sacks. FML

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By lotrgeek - 13/2/2012 13:37 - Canada

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

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By callen5 - 10/3/2012 15:16 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 01:34 - United States - Springville

Today, my cat went into labor. This is surprising since 6 years ago, we paid to have her spayed. FML

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By Syd - 21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By Seline - 25/11/2010 14:48

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

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By WolfieJL - 18/5/2014 07:51 - United States

Today, my two year old puked in the backseat of the car. When we stopped to clean her up, she scooped up the vomit by the handful and threw it at my head. I had an almost two hour drive before I could wash the smell off myself. FML

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By Joanna - 27/12/2018 18:00

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2019 06:02

Today, I wasn't allowed to fly. Again. Yesterday my flight was overbooked. Today I didn't have the yellow fever vaccine. Not once was this requirement mentioned. Nobody would believe me. Luckily, it turned out that this requirement did not apply to me. They realised this after the plane left. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 15:31

Today, I finally met the cute guy I've been seeing around town. Bad news is, I was drunk off my ass, and when he told me his name, I burst out laughing because it's the same as my puppy's. He did not take it well. FML

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By FirstWeekFail - 4/9/2018 18:30

Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

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By Rach - 8/8/2018 23:30

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

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By shal4 - 27/11/2015 17:55

Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML

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By me - 14/4/2016 17:33 - United States - Katy

Today, we had a surprise test at school. I was totally unprepared for any of it, so I BSd the whole thing and turned it in. A few minutes later, our teacher said we were allowed to use our notes to finish the test. FML

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By E-fail - 7/10/2020 08:53 - Canada - Bathurst

On yer bike

Today, I received my new e-bike. I could barely afford it but I desperately needed a method of transportation. On my second ride, I splashed through a fresh sidewalk. There was sidewalk in the chain, in the brakes, everywhere. There goes my brand new bike. FML

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By rejectedprobably - 18/7/2016 23:06 - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

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By beagle1 - 3/4/2012 15:10 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I met separately with the President and Chairman of the company regarding a product that I'm designing. Each ordered me to do the opposite of whatever the other instructed. FML

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By Closingwild - 21/7/2012 06:18 - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my sister, but they already knew each other from my sister's work. She's an exotic dancer. FML

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By GuitarNerd - 23/1/2017 22:41 - United States - Denver

Today, my mom told me that I would get to leave school halfway through the day. What she didn't tell me was that the reason I was missing school was to get 2 teeth pulled. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2011 16:53 - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to the UK from my Australian holiday, I was fired from my job for no reason. My boss told me he'd waited till I'd returned to do it. I could have stayed in Australia with my mates traveling for a year if I had been fired before I left. I'm sure he did it on purpose. FML

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By IntimidatorStag - 6/2/2009 23:54 - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

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By Awkward - 25/4/2011 18:38 - United States

Today, while driving on the highway, I got stuck in a traffic jam. Upon glancing over at the car in the next lane, I saw it was my ex as of a week ago. We sat in barely moving traffic right next to each other for half an hour. FML

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By Emma - 1/8/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, while waiting at the park for my friend, an intoxicated tramp came up to me and asked me out. After I politely declined, he snatched the phone from my hand, threw it on the ground, screamed that I was a "two-timing whore", and staggered away. FML

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By hungry? - 22/7/2012 06:34 - United States - Talbott

Today, some friends told me that my natural body odor smells like cooked beef and roasted onions. I'm disgustingly delicious. FML

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By Stupendous_ - 3/12/2012 07:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By confusedcatlover - 6/4/2013 11:42 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML

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By Username - 11/8/2019 16:00 - United States

Today, I have a horrible hangover. My mom also decided it was a good day to go hiking. I ended up puking on the trail. FML

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By dazedandconfused - 18/9/2016 09:44 - United Kingdom - Dorking

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I had to help my dad remove a splinter. From his butt. FML

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By fallen - 15/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Merion Station

Today, I came into work feeling good about myself and my upcoming plans. I left before noon with a box of my belongings and uncertainty about my future, having been suddenly laid off. FML

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By Yousaidyouweremoving - 11/12/2016 16:23 - United States

Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at Wal-Mart. This would have been fine had he not broken up with me because he was "moving to Canada." FML

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Top comments

By ZeroPath5 | 16

#5567528 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:55

Gotta love those in-laws...

By Wizardo | 33

#5567533 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:57

One by one OPs family were mysteriously struck down that night, no one knows who was responsible for the ninja like attacks but some say that the OPs tortured soul exacted revenge on all those who fell for the evil wench of an aunts tricks... and that concludes story time guys.

COMMENTS

By ZeroPath5 | 16

#5567528 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:55

Gotta love those in-laws...

Reply

xlord | 27

#5567663 - Saturday 6 July 2013 4:40

After reading your comment the song "What is love?Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me. No more" got stuck in my head. :)

Reply

ZeroPath5 | 16

#5567791 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:55

All part of the plan!

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#5568479 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:31

Next time, break her neck

Reply

sulitak | 27

#5573676 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 13:39

I know, where was the wife with this? I would NEVER let my Mom treat my husband that way.

By Wizardo | 33

#5567533 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:57

One by one OPs family were mysteriously struck down that night, no one knows who was responsible for the ninja like attacks but some say that the OPs tortured soul exacted revenge on all those who fell for the evil wench of an aunts tricks... and that concludes story time guys.

Reply

venom2421 | 10

#5567560 - Saturday 6 July 2013 3:08

If you wrote a book, I would buy it.

Reply

EpicSquishii | 21

#5567627 - Saturday 6 July 2013 4:14

Mother-in-law.
Not aunt

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5567651 - Saturday 6 July 2013 4:32

Is it weird that I instantly thought of "And Then There Were None" when I read this?

Reply

pinguino3669_fml | 23

#5567654 - Saturday 6 July 2013 4:34

Yeah, that and 10 Little Indians

Reply

KiddoKS | 19

#5567669 - Saturday 6 July 2013 4:46

Those are actually the same... Great story by Agatha Christie.

By astralvagan | 20

#5567534 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:57

Sounds like most mother-in-laws I know..... They will do whatever they can to either make you seem or feel not good enough..... That sucks though OP.... Hopefully they all see through her shit eventually

By SoulAmeliorate | 16

#5567536 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:57

Talk about a wrist-straining order.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5567574 - Saturday 6 July 2013 3:15

You're silly.

Reply

MilkyFilmz | 26

#5567609 - Saturday 6 July 2013 3:46

No he's very punny.

By SelenaMilkshake | 17

#5567537 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:57

How immature. Are all mother-in-laws like this?

Reply

AholeCop | 11

#5568142 - Saturday 6 July 2013 14:30

Yes, all of them. Once one almost wasn't, but then she was.

Reply

Chumsword | 8

#5568377 - Saturday 6 July 2013 19:06

No they're not all like that, case in point; My mother-in-law speaks very little english, she just asks if I'm hungry all the time. After a bit, I get yummy Laotian food.. I can say that my mother-in-law kinda rocks.

By charlotte69er | 7

#5567538 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:57

She must really like you...

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5567544 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:59

well, she did talk op into holding hands...

By 9echo | 17

#5567539 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:58

The fact that she had to talk you into breaking her wrists should be enough to make you blameless.

By kee_breezy32 | 34

#5567540 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:58

what a show!

By Chellybelly92 | 14

#5567541 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:58

More like monster in law. Sorry OP.

By RivetingTaleChap | 6

#5567542 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:58

Maybe she needs to be "shown" some more moves in private.

Reply

flockz | 19

#5567592 - Saturday 6 July 2013 3:31

or maybe someone needs to show her privates some moves.