By Mardy Shaber - 19/12/2020 20:02

Word salad

Today, my dad was so dizzy, he couldn't get out of bed. I called his doctor but sadly I confused the word "vertigo" with "libido." The doctor may have been impressed but offered me no helpful suggestions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

570

337

Dangling modifier

Instadrama

Oh, hai!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28934

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5073

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By twitterfailsme - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I googled myself in preparation for my upcoming job interview. Turns out there's a girl on Twitter with my name and age who tweets nonstop about getting wasted and being on probation. She won't make her profile private. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48913

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3523

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By feckingnasty

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

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4540

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457

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By DennisQuaide69

The date from hell #5676

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

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5245

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475

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend told me that he was having a scrabble tournament at his house with a bunch of our friends. I told my dad about the tournament and he gave me a special scrabble dictionary to bring. Hesitantly, I brought the dictionary and as I walked in everyone was playing beer pong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40329

You deserved it

12954

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By sheilob - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25510

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6278

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By ameliaruth09 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30797

You deserved it

5088

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By dogwheels - United Kingdom

Today, I had to sit and listen to my co-worker moan about how early he has to get up tomorrow to go on his ski holiday in France over Christmas. He also complained about how tiring skiing is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33749

You deserved it

2406

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By pop, pop - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26914

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7697

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By jaymash - United States

Today, I was giving a PowerPoint presentation in class. When I put my flash drive into the computer, my folder opened up and a nude picture of myself popped right up on a 110 inch projector screen for all 35 students to see. This is a 16 week course. FML

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17425

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By Anonymous - United States - Berkeley

Taste test

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

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58472

You deserved it

6572

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By smooth - United States

Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30506

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18409

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to drive the guy I've been seeing for the past few months to the emergency room. So that he could witness the birth of his newest child. FML

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30407

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8309

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

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69664

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10361

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I tried to relieve my back pain by lounging in a jacuzzi at my mother's house. All was going well until I accidentally knocked an opened container of bath salts into the tub, which got sucked into the jet system, shooting tiny, sharp, barely dissolved pieces of salt into my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19455

You deserved it

3350

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By why does the world hate me - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister got her car insurance quote in the mail. You would think it would go way up after being charged with reckless driving. It went up $1 per month. My insurance went up $100 per month after I tapped someone's bumper a year ago. I wasn't even charged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20444

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36128

You deserved it

4549

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By collegestudent

Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182

Today, my dad asked me if I needed crayons for school. I'm going to college this fall. FML

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1266

You deserved it

190

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By checkup - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

43090

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML

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39482

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4086

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By bruisedandconfused - United States - Aberdeen

Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

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54164

You deserved it

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By lovekills99 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she had fantasies about throwing him out a window when he was a baby because she was so depressed and couldn't handle the stress. The worst part is he wants to get married. She'd be my mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23585

You deserved it

4233

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By ugh - United States - Troy

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

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31970

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3362

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By xxruby - United States - Katy

Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44139

You deserved it

3516

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By stuckhome - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

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31701

You deserved it

4276

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By Single and wigless

Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML

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2035

You deserved it

826

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By Puggle1019

Today, my brother gave me a massive rope burn. He got a 30-second talk with our mother. I got an allergic reaction to the lotion used to ease the pain. My mother said I was overreacting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3594

You deserved it

234

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By rioght onnn - Canada

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15855

You deserved it

43618

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By SweetFA - Canada

Today, I brought my little sons into work with me. I introduced them to my boss. She said to my shy kids, "You boys don't know me, do you? I'm Janice." The older one lit up and said, "Oh, I know you, mommy complains about you all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44416

You deserved it

17095

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By Anonymous

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13187

You deserved it

989

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By Tag - Australia

Today, my psychotic, very jealous ex-boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and punched a male store clerk who was helping me look for azaleas in a garden center. FML

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39073

You deserved it

3147

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By Anonymous

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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1327

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145

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 17:01

Night terrors

Today, I woke up at night to go to the toilet. My Dad was doing his thing with the toilet door wide open. I saw, screamed at the top of my lungs and peed my pants in horror. Now my throat hurts and I'm too embarrassed to look at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1230

You deserved it

471

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By womanoski - United States - Fishers

Today, while taking a bus full of loud, rambunctious elementary children to school, the bus slowly slid off the road into a ditch. After waiting 30 minutes that felt like hours, I saw the tow truck arriving from the opposite direction also slide slowly off the roadway into the opposite ditch. FML

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22372

You deserved it

1451

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I really like, and she was telling me how crappy her day was. Trying to be nice, I gave her a back rub. I somehow managed to unhook her bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37322

You deserved it

8966

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57422

You deserved it

19842

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By i tried so hard - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

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21729

You deserved it

2207

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By Username - France

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45901

You deserved it

3820

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By anonymous - United States - Lakeland

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29351

You deserved it

3215

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By AlwaysGottaFML - United States

Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML

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67423

You deserved it

3963

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7958944 - Saturday 19 December 2020 20:59

If he gave you helpful suggestions about how to help your dad's libido, he'd probably lose his license!

By Chazzster | 20

#7958968 - Saturday 19 December 2020 23:28

When in doubt use simple words you actually understand when the conversation is important.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7958944 - Saturday 19 December 2020 20:59

If he gave you helpful suggestions about how to help your dad's libido, he'd probably lose his license!

By Chazzster | 20

#7958968 - Saturday 19 December 2020 23:28

When in doubt use simple words you actually understand when the conversation is important.

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs | 18

#7959032 - Sunday 20 December 2020 11:33

I'm confused. Why would the doctor have been impressed? Neither of those are big medical terms, and you still got it wrong.

kittycatkelss | 21

#7959189 - Monday 21 December 2020 5:56

My guess is op told the doctor that his dad couldn't get out of bed due to his libido and that was impressive to the Dr? Not sure though to be honest 😂