By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Haunted house

Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

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Taking stock

Real friends

TMI

By MyNameIsNotJeff - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought me a pet tarantula. I now have one of my biggest fears crawling around my house. FML

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By awkward. - United Kingdom - Rickmansworth

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, one of my teachers asked me to babysit their kids saturday night. She didn't forget that it was Prom night, she was going to chaperone it. My teacher assumed I wasn't invited to Prom... I wasn't. FML

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By Fml37 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

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By Embarrassed daughter.. - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

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By whyyyy - 17/6/2020 05:05

Dumbass

Today, my daughter shaved her head in solidarity for a friend who went bald from cancer. Normally this would be an amazing gesture. Unfortunately, her “friend” is a fictional character from a book she’s reading. My daughter had almost 24-inch long hair. FML

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By bigmozwoman - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By off-balance - Finland

Today, as I was trying to get off a crowded train, some asshole pushed past me hard enough to nearly knock me over. My bag hit a preschool kid standing behind me, and I missed my stop trying to apologize to him. His mom yelled at me all the way to the next stop. FML

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By NowBroke - United Kingdom - Malmesbury

Today, I found out my mother drives my car. I was okay with it; I don't use it all the time and she's my mother. However, I was not okay with the multiple speeding tickets that came through in the post. "You're the registered keeper, so why should I pay?" FML

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By Matt - United States

Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriends house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML

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By rileym797 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

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By clublulu - United States

Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidentally swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn't believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 08:01

Influencers

Today, my wife asked me to wrap an empty box to put under the Christmas tree. She didn't want her vlog followers to think she didn't get me any gifts. FML

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By Co-B - United States

Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML

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By MakeMeASandwich - United States

Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML

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By swirkishly - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

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By Dark_Cecilia - United States - Fremont

Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML

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By JaneSimple - 16/8/2020 14:02

Brain worms

Today, my fiancé forgot my birthday. I did however remember to tell him we were sending his mother flowers, for her birthday, which falls a week after mine. We've been together 10 years. I sent her flowers on my birthday. FML

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By scooter922 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

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By #isthisthepoundkey? - United States - Deltona

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my daughter asked me to take her to Victoria's Secret so I could buy her some "sexy clothes". She's 9. FML

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By cheezmaster - United States

Today, after many, many attempts to get her out of my life, the girl that is stalking me told me that she loves me and our love can only be ended by her killing either herself or me. FML

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By tamp - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I took a late night drive, and after a while he stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted anything I replied "guess". He came out and gave me a box of tampons. Apparently I've been bitchy. FML

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By Anonymous

Just a question

Today while I was about to go into the shower, my mom walked in on me while I was naked. She looked down and asked me if I was cold. FML

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By Alone - 27/12/2020 13:58 - Italy

Happy Holidays

Today, after spending Christmas alone because my bus home got cancelled due to Covid, I found that I have to spend the New Year alone and potentially homeless because my flight home got cancelled. FML

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By luckygirl - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a 31% on a Chinese test at school. I moved here to New Jersey from China two months ago. FML

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By AllergyRidden - United States

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

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By kal - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By Username

Today, I got attacked by my own dog. I don't know what will be harder, telling everyone how my dog thought I was a robber or explaining to them why a 25 year old man owns a poodle. FML

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By emperor - Bangladesh

Today, I woke up screaming. Why? Well, I was complaining to my dad yesterday about how I always hit the snooze button and just roll over when my alarm goes off, and how that results in me being late for morning classes. My dad thought he'd help out by placing a mousetrap on the snooze button. FML

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By sparkus

Today, while out hiking with my girlfriend, she thought it would be funny to push me down a small hill. It turned out there was a 16 foot drop at the end of it, and now my leg is in a cast. FML

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By jon - Canada - Toronto

Consent

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By auto boogie man - United States - New York

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

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By gamer tag ID not recognised

Today, my husband is adamant he is not a cheater because "it only counts as cheating if you have sex with other women for free" so apparently 20-year-old male prostitutes don't count because they're not women and they cost money. FML

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By myself - Canada

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

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By Myboyfriendisaromanticslob - Canada

Today, my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner. Afterwards, he offered to wash the dishes while I went upstairs and relaxed. His way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off, then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards. FML

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By theuglyone - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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Top comments

By Kristoffer | 35

#7958993 - Sunday 20 December 2020 6:38

We have one cat who has figured it out.

COMMENTS

By Kristoffer | 35

#7958993 - Sunday 20 December 2020 6:38

We have one cat who has figured it out.