By car keyer - United States - Mary Esther

Why would I do that to me?

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML
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  JesterJosh  |  5

He could've been getting something out of his car so it wouldn't sit there overnight. Then hopped in with a friend or Taxi. He even could've just been grabbing something to show his friends or whatever.
Point is: Nothing in this FML suggests he was going to drive so calm your tits.

  Wimoweh  |  10

88. Since when has any shit drunk guy opened his car to do anything other than attempt to drive? What, he's going to get his notes so he can study for his biology test? Likely.

  shugacube  |  13

I would have loved to have seen the officers faces as they played the security footage... So many laughs!!
Reporting a crime that you committed is too funny!

  Welshite  |  39

I've heard of a blog created by a deranged trauma surgeon; I highly recommend it. There are such stories of drunk drivers and also step-by-step instructions on how to properly insert a coke bottle up one's bum.

  annoyingmous  |  4

#47, you're not the common idiot. You're an especial kind of idiot. You not only have talent, but your stupidity is also fueled by effort and a huge ambition.

Don't worry, some day soon you will be the greatest moron in the world. You are getting so close, you should feel proud.