By Buyingagun - 8/4/2020 05:00

Take care

Today, I looked out the window just in time to see a coyote carrying off my cat that I had just let outside five minutes before. FML

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Proactive

Minefield

Rock and a hard place

By Backstabber<3

Today, as I was about to finally tell my boyfriend of nearly a year that I love him, he revealed that he cheated on me, his side chick is pregnant, and he has the clap. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

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By healthfreak - United States - Marietta

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", honey. FML

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By tikizombie - Canada

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

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By peachesthepigeon - United States

Today, at work, I helped out an employee who was having trouble. I even bought her a bottle of water. After the production manager decided to fire her on the spot, she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars, including mine. FML

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By Insomnia

Today, while trying to sleep after a night shift, workers came to hook up city sewage service, firing up drills and shouting. An hour later, my child woke me up to tattle on her sister. Just as I was drifting to sleep yet again, the smoke alarm battery started chirping. I give up. FML

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By LonelyHeart - United States

Today, I surprised my boyfriend at work, only to notice that his neck was covered in hickies. The night before, he texted me saying he needed alone time to get his mind together. Looks like he got together with another mind. FML

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By Argh - United States - Longview

Today, my boss reached a new low when, after three software upgrades, she refused to let me update the user manual that I wrote a year ago. She has also cancelled the training sessions I set up to help people learn the new software. People are asking me why I'm not doing my job anymore. FML

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By Uniforms

Today, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a city about an hour away to pick up his firefighter uniforms. When we arrived, he was told that his uniforms had been shipped to the station he works at. FML

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By Anony-moose - United States

Today, I had to explain to a patient that no, her nipples were not slowly getting smaller. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to tell my grandpa, who immediately said, "I'm sorry, let's go get ice cream to cheer you up." FML

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By Lace - United States

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

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By wahwah - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

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By WesJaz - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

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By pixiegirl - United States

Today, I found out that my "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

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By Honey Badger - United States

Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost two years proposed to me. Everything was perfect. The ring was beautiful. And seconds after I said yes he went to play his new xbox game. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 14:02

Imitation is a form of flattery. Or is it?

Today, and ever since he saw the infamous interview that was on TV the other day, every time I say something to my husband, he keeps quoting, "You can't do that!" and "You don't know that!" at me in Donald Trump's voice. FML

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By Dani - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

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By FUCK ME, MAKE IT STOP - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go to a big dinner with my insane relatives. Highlights of conversation included my sister telling us about the "country of Iowa", my dad accusing me of faking my chronic fatigue syndrome, and my grandpa claiming that Nelson Mandela is the Antichrist. FML

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By WhatADickens

The early bird gets the worm!

Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

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By groundedasfuck - United States - Bessemer

Today, I snuck out of the house to go to a party. When I got back later, I tried climbing back up the rope-ladder I'd set up earlier, leading back through my bedroom window. I was halfway up when it broke free. I sprained both my ankles and had to shamefully ring the doorbell to get back in. FML

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By Bear - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my daughter's biggest aspiration is to create a time machine for the sole purpose of going to the '70s to see the Ramones in concert. FML

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By badluckantonio - Canada

Today, I was taking out the garbage at work when I slipped and fell into the garbage container. The scent was so bad that a bus driver denied me a ride home. FML

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By moms know best??? - Canada - Morinville

Neat

Today, I received some unwanted anal sex tips. They were unwanted because I'm not into anal sex, and the tips came from my drunk mom. FML

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By newsgirl - United States

Today, I was interviewed by this TV crew who asked me what I thought of Rhode Island being voted for the second most neurotic state. I thought they said that Rhode Island was the second most erotic state. I commented. FML

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By shoopbadeewoop

Today, it was snowing. After answering a call, I put my phone into my jacket pocket, and hurried across the road. I quickly realised my phone hadn't slipped into my pocket after all, and I turned around in time to see a snowplow go by. I couldn't find my phone in the snowdrifts. FML

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By fmylife - Malaysia

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

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By thefuckedupbunny

Today, while on the train with my dad, my boyfriend sent me a message. It was a nude, and when I looked, my dad saw. FML

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By Nanny - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

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By Ilostsomuch - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML

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By StockedWithJuice - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

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By brokedick - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

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By morningeyes - United States

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7895842 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 5:37

For you, catastrophe.

For the coyote, cat as trophy.

By 123Puppy | 31

#7895916 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 14:24

You shouldn’t have let your cat go outside without watching them.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7895842 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 5:37

For you, catastrophe.

For the coyote, cat as trophy.

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7895987 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 20:11

I kinda hate how well that came together.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7895848 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 6:16

How cute!!! Morris has a new friend to play with. :-D

By Madison Gliosci | 16

#7895850 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 6:50

Did you try to get your cat from the coyote?

Reply

Joshawott | 21

#7895912 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 13:57

Do coyotes carry off live prey? Because otherwise, I think the OP might have been too late...

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7895870 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 9:31

I’m sorry you lost your cat.

By 123Puppy | 31

#7895916 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 14:24

You shouldn’t have let your cat go outside without watching them.

By icecreamisrad | 13

#7895917 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 14:34

I’m so so so so sorry😞

By clover1983 | 12

#7895920 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 14:51

YDI. People still let their cats outside?

Reply

Kristoffer | 35

#7896079 - Thursday 9 April 2020 3:04

Yes, they do. They probably don't understand why that's a bad thing.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7895952 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 17:28

I'm sorry for your loss, but maybe don't let your cat outside in coyote country? Or get one of those Catios for them so they can safely be outside.

By Violet Blessings | 2

#7895989 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 20:18

omg I am so so sorry... you must be devastated. i cant even imagine losing one of my cats. big hugs hun

By IggyMouse | 13

#7896054 - Thursday 9 April 2020 0:30

Today we learned WHY you shouldn’t let your cat outside beyond “they’re invasive predators who destroy the ecosystem.” I am sorry you had to learn that the hard way though. RIP, cat.