Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball....

By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

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Kids

Work name

Compassion

Higher standards

By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 20:08 - United States - Clarksville

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2013 14:28 - United States

Today, I again had to quietly sneak in through my bedroom window. I don't live with my parents. I go through my window because my cat thinks everyone who walks in through the door at night is a burglar or something and attacks them. FML

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By nhanley1 - 2/4/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

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By Bad Mother - 8/10/2015 11:53 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out my son told his teachers that I make his brother Tom sleep on the floor, make him stay out of the house for long periods of time, and don't let him use the toilet. Tom is actually our cat. FML

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By Overprotected - 19/6/2013 14:39 - United States

Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML

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By (L) - 13/2/2018 09:00 - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

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By Dez - 26/11/2017 19:00 - United States - Anchorage

Apparently not.

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend texted me asking, “We are in an open relationship, right?” FML

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By Screwed - 16/3/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML

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By superconfused16 - 20/8/2010 22:36 - United States

Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

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By ohokay - 24/1/2013 02:59 - United States - Bronx

Today, I found my boyfriend's Facebook page. I also found his wife's. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2017 22:00 - United States - Littleton

Today, my 14-year-old sister came into the bathroom while I was in it. When she saw me, she said sorry and left. Little did I know, she took my electric toothbrush to masturbate. FML

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By choke on a dick, sir - 1/11/2013 22:47 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss came around to my way of thinking. He called our customers a "bunch of assholes" and to kick them out if they gave me trouble. When a lady began yelling at me for "setting the damn prices too high" I told her to leave. My boss soon bitched me out for being unprofessional. FML

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By Derpina - 21/12/2011 15:33 - United States

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

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By cAtaLanbLoOd - 24/10/2013 06:06 - France - Perpignan

Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yes, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML

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By fme - 27/1/2018 15:00

Today, my cousin came to visit from Texas. It would have been great if he hadn't groped me and whispered "incest isn't illegal" when he saw me. FML

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By Faaccckkk - 25/3/2013 14:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to whimsically serenade me by throwing rocks at my apartment window and singing. He got the wrong window. Another guy answered, and now he thinks I'm cheating on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 03:23 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

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By Walter - 24/10/2015 03:17 - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By Jersey girl - 8/12/2016 07:58 - United States - Miami

Today, I requested to have the next Sunday off of my job in retail. Not only did my boss say that we're not allowed to ask for weekends off anymore, but I also have to work on another weekend that I requested off. I guess I'm not going to my sister's wedding. FML

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By whatislife1969 - 8/10/2017 04:30

Today, my work had an employee party at the park and I drank a little too much vodka. Towards the end of the party, I found myself making out with a tree in front of all my co-workers. FML

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By corn - 3/6/2011 01:44 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst at my job as a lifeguard, a small child decided he couldn't hold it any longer and released his bowels in the pool. It was my job to clean up his dump, including the floating pieces of sweetcorn. FML

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By isaacBENNETT - 17/3/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

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By TheNerd - 12/5/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

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By marriedtoaretard - 19/2/2012 22:45 - United States

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

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By badeats - 22/6/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2019 03:10

Today, I was playing beer pong at a party and managed to get the ball in a cup. I jumped a little bit in excitement and somehow managed to fracture my foot while doing so. FML

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By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2016 09:23 - Canada - Sechelt

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family. I asked her if she wanted something to drink, and my brother reacted by snorting and calling me a "cuck". Apparently offering your girlfriend a drink means you're being cuckolded now. God, I hope he was adopted. FML

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By Skidmark Sally - 7/10/2012 21:41 - United States - Las Cruces

Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML

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By nicholascageonyourface - 9/6/2013 05:13 - United States - Papillion

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

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By halfmypaycheckgone - 5/2/2013 18:59 - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

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By fucking har har, dad - 5/10/2012 23:38 - Australia

Today, two days after leaving hospital with a broken left leg, I tripped and fell heavily on the floor. My dad quickly asked if I'd broken my other leg. When I reassured him that I hadn't, he disappointedly muttered that it would've been a hilarious story to tell his friends at work. FML

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By veggocake - 26/9/2009 08:05 - United States

Today, an old friend that I never really liked invited me to lunch while she was in town. While driving back to her car, I couldn't find my phone, so she offered to call it. She found it under the passenger seat and also saw that when she called, her name came up as "Sabrina-IGNORE". FML

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By heartbroken - 22/1/2010 01:18 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML

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By Snurkles McGee - 22/5/2013 21:48 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I confronted my boss to find out why I was denied a promotion that she promised to me. Her response? "You should know by now I'm a liar. Not my fault if you believe the things I say." FML

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By fuck family - 17/7/2013 20:13 - Poland - Walbrzych

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML

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By theskippster - 30/5/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML

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By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - 28/2/2014 20:01 - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

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By jostertoaster12 - 13/2/2015 20:31 - United States - Steamboat Springs

Today, while skiing down a steep mountain, a man ran over my skis, causing me to fall and roll down the slope. When I regained my balance, I saw the man had followed me just to say "How graceful" and continue on. FML

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By carrie - 13/1/2009 06:41 - Algeria

Today, I'm a 23 year old girl who often has to wear two pairs of socks. I don't have four feet, but I have no boobs. FML

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Top comments

By renjay | 0

#1965108 - Friday 14 January 2011 8:58

smack the dam kid

By cmac86 | 23

#1965125 - Friday 14 January 2011 9:02

sounds like there's either some parenting or anger management issues. and now an insect issue, because you, quite literally, have ants in your pants.

Comments

By TheAnnihilat0rz | 0

#1965098 - Friday 14 January 2011 8:56

first

aliadnan708 | 6

#1965106 - Friday 14 January 2011 8:58

so?

DaveOnDope | 4

#1965141 - Friday 14 January 2011 9:03

Wow! you're so cool! I'm really impressed!

By renjay | 0

#1965108 - Friday 14 January 2011 8:58

smack the dam kid

caroliquey | 0

#1965553 - Friday 14 January 2011 10:52

you raised a devil

beeship321 | 5

#1965912 - Friday 14 January 2011 13:17

Smacking isn't the answer! Try snakes in his bed.

andyp010 | 10

#1966176 - Friday 14 January 2011 14:53

I think one 'snake' in his bed is enough

Sopa2010 | 0

#2143985 - Thursday 3 March 2011 5:56

Basketball or ant farm? anyone else remember that from pursuit of happiness?

jeslynh | 0

#2304625 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 17:34

OMG ANTS D: that's sucks

By woopa18 | 0

#1965110 - Friday 14 January 2011 8:58

haha that's awesome !

JCHammer | 5

#1967490 - Friday 14 January 2011 21:56

that's why where I'm from we don't let women drive

Suavis | 4

#1969028 - Saturday 15 January 2011 8:57

so they don't run over basket balls? and how do you know it's a woman?

krazygirl100 | 9

#2838100 - Thursday 7 July 2011 11:56

because it says woman

By Tha_Jocka44 | 0

#1965113 - Friday 14 January 2011 8:59

I would be the fuck out of my kid for that crap

ppriscilla | 0

#1965218 - Friday 14 January 2011 9:14

woahh scary

nikkibeez | 0

#1965458 - Friday 14 January 2011 10:03

I see nothing wrong with spanking children. if you don't instill some type of fear in them they become disrespectful and won't listen. beating the shit out of them however.. not so sure.

Donkeydick360 | 0

#1965528 - Friday 14 January 2011 10:33

violent parents lead to violent children and violent children grow up to be serial killers, OP YDI and hooray for long island!

waswashere | 0

#1965817 - Friday 14 January 2011 12:54

by your logic, the parents are also serial killers. good try though

akd1v | 0

#1966255 - Friday 14 January 2011 15:11

scuze me you would BE the fuck outta your kid? please explain

Zhu8 | 5

#1968839 - Saturday 15 January 2011 8:09

If only my parents knew the difference between a light spanking and beating the living shit out of me.

kokopuff1001_fml | 0

#1972230 - Sunday 16 January 2011 5:21

I'm glad that I'm not your child

By grandpaearthling | 2

#1965123 - Friday 14 January 2011 9:01

you totally deserve it for not putting the fear if daddy in the little punk. maybe if his mommy didn't wear the pants in the family.

mylyfzeffedup | 0

#1965179 - Friday 14 January 2011 9:07

that's what I said. he deserves it for raising his kid to think it's ok to retaliate when something happens that he doesn't like. he's probably bad as hell.