Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against... - FML

By tara22 - 27/4/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

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They're everywhere

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Alternative medicine is bull

By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 20:15 - Canada

Today, my sixteen year old son told me that he's following his guidance counselor's advice: to do what his hero does for a living. The problem? His hero is SpongeBob Squarepants. His ambition in life is to become a fry cook. FML

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By brunnells22 - 23/6/2020 23:00

Bob the Builder

Today, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for building an Ikea shelf/dresser combo completely by myself. When going to put the last drawer together, I dropped one of the boards. The corner landed perfectly in the middle of my phone screen, shattering it. It's going to cost $230 to fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2018 01:30

Today, while visiting my son at university, I noticed a funky smell in his room. He admitted to not changing his bedsheets since he moved in 2.5 years ago. I’ve raised an animal. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2012 09:28 - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 07:11 - New Zealand

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2016 06:20 - Australia

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 20:33 - Canada

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

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By Arrgh - 27/5/2009 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on webcam with someone and the conversation died so I said "brb". I sat there for five minutes not realising I had left my webcam on. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 08:27 - United States

Today, my mom gave me my Christmas gift. It was a letter containing $200 and a note saying, "Here's the down payment for your apartment, please just move out already." I turned 18 last week. Thanks mom. FML

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By HolyyMolyy - 11/7/2016 10:24

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

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By shitday - 27/1/2013 23:47 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, a cyclone hit my city. Though everywhere else is flooding, my house is fine. Well, that was until the toilet decided to overflow and regurgitate the entire town's sewerage. So now my only bathroom is covered in sewage, and I can't go anywhere else because of the flooding. FML

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By Jonathan - 18/3/2011 21:40 - Denmark

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children". FML

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By itsdezzz - 9/3/2016 23:43 - United States - Hatfield

Today, I noticed a customer looking for expired products in hopes of receiving a coupon from my store. I told them to let me know if they found anything. They promptly began following me around, telling me how to do my job, only to later file a complaint saying that I was harassing them. FML

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By duckwater - 1/3/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride in a paddle-boat. He decided it would be fun to paddle near the fountain. The fountain decided it would be fun to shower me, him and all of our things in filthy, stinking duck water. I had to ride the bus home by myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2013 21:52 - United States - Lake Dallas

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

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By stillwaiting - 9/3/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

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By rejecteddd - 4/7/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By Egyptian ToyBoy - 17/12/2019 20:00

Seventh heaven

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2009 02:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was upset, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. After a minute, her face started to light up. I thought it had worked until I realized that she was being cheered up by the friends she was talking to online. FML

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By mustabeendrugs - 14/10/2013 01:14 - United States - Tucson

Today, a customer called me "chink eyes", "dog eater", "bloody Chinese communist" and "ching chong." I'm black. FML

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By MIB thingy please... - 5/2/2015 01:21 - United States - Oregon City

Today, my date dropped me off at home and briefly met my parents. As he was leaving he whispered into my ear, "I want to feel the inside of your vagina with the outside of my penis." My parents totally heard. FML

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By megangubler - 26/5/2014 22:34 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

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By anonymous - 19/9/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I bought a new pack of "feminine wipes" on my way over to my boyfriend's house after a long day of work. He saw them in my purse and sweetly told me I shouldn't be so self conscious. Later on, when he was going down on me, he said, "I take back what I said earlier." FML

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By Anna - 29/9/2015 14:58 - Sweden - V?ster?s

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

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By u raised him - 10/2/2018 01:30

Today, my 17-year-old son attempted to rob the bank I work at while I was off shift. FML

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By David - 11/10/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Annie's Song

Today, I was finally having a conversation with my granny, who I don't get to see often. First thing she tells me was that she was going to have surgery soon, because her "women's insides" were "dangling out." FML

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By imsorrylove - 31/3/2010 04:44 - United States

Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML

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By rowanjusmc - 26/10/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

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By c.m.g. - 27/4/2011 10:50

Today, I was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair. I had the runs really bad. All I have to say is that it's tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door. FML

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By Tall Oaf - 14/7/2018 01:30

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

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By whatthefuck - 27/12/2016 23:22 - United States - Providence

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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By Brittany - 1/3/2009 20:00 - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

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By UpAllNight - 9/2/2019 13:00 - Palestinian Territory

Today, I had to sleep at my in-laws' house. My in-laws' bedroom is directly above the one we’re sleeping in. For the last 20 minutes, all I can hear is the bed going, “Thud, thud, thud.” FML

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By wounded pride, intact cock - 17/1/2015 18:49 - United States

Today, my wife wanted me to take her to a new restaurant in town. When I looked it up and saw their prices, I almost had a heart attack. When I said it was too expensive, she snapped "Maybe you'd like to look up 'Lorena Bobbitt' next?!" We went to the restaurant. FML

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By sickday - 2/12/2018 17:30

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

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By ej6901 - 23/6/2015 20:00 - United States - Ventnor City

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked a very attractive girl out, then later I ended up talking with her. One of my friends comes up to us and points out that I'm beet red and, "blushing like a bitch". She notices and laughs. FML

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By waitforit - 23/4/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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By yourmom - 16/6/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I was using a public bathroom when a woman backs in, pulls down her pants, and sits on my lap. Needless to say she didn't even notice I was there until I hyperventilated. FML

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By HistoryHasEyes - 4/9/2020 23:01

That makes sense

Today, I was working in the produce department at my work. A lady came in to return some mangos. I asked her what the problem with the mangoes was. She said she didn't like the way they were talking to her. FML

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Top comments

By Seegtease | 0

#150387 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 10:11

#1, #8, I hope you're kidding. It was an accident, he wasn't raping her. Learn the difference.

If you're not kidding, I'd hate to be the guy with either of you. He'd put his arm around you and you'd run away screaming "BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH!"

By Hugeness | 0

#150324 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:29

HAHAHAHAHA. Did you check to see he waited to have sex with you until you were conscious?

COMMENTS

By truslide | 0

#150317 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

guitarheaven789 | 0

#1072002 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 23:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Macromartyr | 3

#1229938 - Thursday 12 August 2010 17:45

It's not rape you tard

Reply

prepayedtank | 0

#4251055 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:30

Your an idiot.. It was an accident

By Hugeness | 0

#150324 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:29

HAHAHAHAHA. Did you check to see he waited to have sex with you until you were conscious?

Reply

MrFagHole | 0

#865102 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 10:53

fail,hole

Reply

lennelleong | 33

#5544770 - Friday 21 June 2013 4:07

"K.O.! and you're out for the count!" But seriously OP, i would prefer blacking out from the force of the climax. Secondly, was the swelling on your head bigger than the swelling in his pants? I've a third point to make, but i don't want to try too hard! *OUCH*

Reply

adacurtis | 9

#6083743 - Tuesday 7 October 2014 18:59

more like F his life.. I bet he felt horrible

Reply

cheyluvsturtles | 30

#6625410 - Friday 10 June 2016 21:59

I think she probably felt horrible to!!! she probably has a massive headache

By trslove | 0

#150334 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:33

Wowww that sucks! Your bf needs to learn his own strength!!!

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#150337 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:34

L0l, cute. Points for creativity though! An experience you'd never forget =D

Reply

jhoward7 | 0

#1005018 - Monday 24 May 2010 6:42

yeah... at least he tried to do something romantic for you... it's the thought right?

By mjsmclaren | 0

#150339 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:35

donkey punch...

By LostAndNotFound | 0

#150350 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:39

it was all part of the plan baby.

By RyanRaygun | 0

#150358 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:43

Best 10 minutes of my... I mean... his life, I'm sure.

By brook042 | 0

#150371 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:53

9-1-1

By Seegtease | 0

#150387 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 10:11

#1, #8, I hope you're kidding. It was an accident, he wasn't raping her. Learn the difference.

If you're not kidding, I'd hate to be the guy with either of you. He'd put his arm around you and you'd run away screaming "BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH!"

By DearlyBeloved | 0

#150391 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 10:14

My boyfriend and I tried to get hot and heavy against the wall too. He couldn't support my weight (though I'm 107lbs) and down I went, hitting my head against the other wall and scraping my body against the side. So no worries, it happens to everyone.

Reply

je_suis_fml | 11

#2943420 - Thursday 21 July 2011 6:57

Um, not quite "everyone"...