Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against... - FML

By tara22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

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Messed up

Every little helps

Call CPS!

By kelsey - United States

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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By Anon - New Zealand

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

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By brerj09 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

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By say no to dick - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

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By paul - France

Today, I had a big meeting. Half way through my presentation, I sneezed, and continued talking. I get some weird looks from my co-worker but I didn't understand what he meant. When I finished, I passed by my boss walking to my chair, he gave me a handkerchief. Why? Snot was all over my tie. FML

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By fmyactuallife - 3/5/2020 08:00

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 18:30 - United States - Randolph

You sleep in your pants?

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

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By MamaMia

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

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By Traveler

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By okay - United States - Woodstock

Today, a customer complained he never got his sandwich, even though I put it in the oven, dressed it up and served it to him. When I went to clear his table off, I saw the sandwich basket. We had to give him his money back. FML

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By thyella87 - United States

Today, my hours got cut because I couldn't make it into work when they called me in. Why couldn't I make it in? I was in an interview for a better job. I didn't get the job. FML

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By ambermcnulty - France

Today, it was the first time my boyfriend had seen me naked. He grabs my breasts and then begins to sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He is 22. FML

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By Oblivious - United States

Today, I fell off my desk chair. Why? I failed to notice that the screws I'd been finding on the floor around my room for the past few months belonged to said chair. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex said I had a lot in common with his new girlfriend. His new, grossly overweight, college drop-out, clinically depressed, constantly pot-smoking girlfriend. FML

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By proteinboy - United States

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

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By poserpilot - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

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By smth - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, my dad approached two girls at a store and told them I'd crashed into their car. They didn't find it funny either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kapolei

Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML

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By Ughh! - France

Today, the people living below me have been blasting their music so loudly that I can hear every word as clear as day. The people next door think it's my music and feel the need to bang on the wall and blast their music just as loudly in revenge. I have two very important exams tomorrow. FML

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By Dave

Today, I said to a girl that I recently started dating, ‘I like you so far’. My phone had other plans and decide to autocorrect far to fat as I hit send. FML.

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By happysingleone

Today, the last of my college friends is getting married and now I'm the last single one. Don't worry though, if one ever gets a divorce we can hang out again. FML

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By Sarsippius

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

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By :,< - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML

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By lonelyengineer - Germany

Today, I sat in the cafeteria at work and saw a girl, which is a rare sight at my workplace, from the back with a beautifully long ponytail. After a full hour of building up courage to perhaps say hi to her, she turned around. It was a 50-year-old man. FML

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By yuck

Today, I found out that what I thought was my brother gasping and groaning in his dreams most nights is actually him jacking off. FML

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By love_to_live - United States - Waupun

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

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By WTF? - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

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By Telley21 - United States - Rexburg

He had to find out eventually!

Today, I made my boyfriend a beautiful dinner of seafood and rice. This was the first time I could afford lobster, and thought it would be a great treat for us both. I learned that this was the first time he has eaten lobster, and he learned that he is allergic. FML

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By Average Lover

Today, my wife and I decided to go to an adult store and buy some toys to spice up the bedroom a bit. She wanted to buy a double-edged dildo so "we can use it together". I'm a guy. FML

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By loser - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, 'Great. Don't ruin it.' FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

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By thisucks - Canada

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

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By Anonymous

Whoops

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my boss's van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

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By epicsandwichartist - United States

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

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By upset

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

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By Ashley - United States - Belmont

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I faceplanted. I was going to say "F*ck you" and "I will kill you". It came out as "I will f*ck you." He's still laughing. FML

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Top comments

By Seegtease | 0

#150387 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 10:11

#1, #8, I hope you're kidding. It was an accident, he wasn't raping her. Learn the difference.

If you're not kidding, I'd hate to be the guy with either of you. He'd put his arm around you and you'd run away screaming "BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH!"

By Hugeness | 0

#150324 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:29

HAHAHAHAHA. Did you check to see he waited to have sex with you until you were conscious?

COMMENTS

By truslide | 0

#150317 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

guitarheaven789 | 0

#1072002 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 23:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Macromartyr | 3

#1229938 - Thursday 12 August 2010 17:45

It's not rape you tard

Reply

prepayedtank | 0

#4251055 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:30

Your an idiot.. It was an accident

By Hugeness | 0

#150324 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:29

HAHAHAHAHA. Did you check to see he waited to have sex with you until you were conscious?

Reply

MrFagHole | 0

#865102 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 10:53

fail,hole

Reply

lennelleong | 33

#5544770 - Friday 21 June 2013 4:07

"K.O.! and you're out for the count!" But seriously OP, i would prefer blacking out from the force of the climax. Secondly, was the swelling on your head bigger than the swelling in his pants? I've a third point to make, but i don't want to try too hard! *OUCH*

Reply

adacurtis | 9

#6083743 - Tuesday 7 October 2014 18:59

more like F his life.. I bet he felt horrible

Reply

cheyluvsturtles | 30

#6625410 - Friday 10 June 2016 21:59

I think she probably felt horrible to!!! she probably has a massive headache

By trslove | 0

#150334 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:33

Wowww that sucks! Your bf needs to learn his own strength!!!

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#150337 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:34

L0l, cute. Points for creativity though! An experience you'd never forget =D

Reply

jhoward7 | 0

#1005018 - Monday 24 May 2010 6:42

yeah... at least he tried to do something romantic for you... it's the thought right?

By mjsmclaren | 0

#150339 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:35

donkey punch...

By LostAndNotFound | 0

#150350 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:39

it was all part of the plan baby.

By RyanRaygun | 0

#150358 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:43

Best 10 minutes of my... I mean... his life, I'm sure.

By brook042 | 0

#150371 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:53

9-1-1

By Seegtease | 0

#150387 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 10:11

#1, #8, I hope you're kidding. It was an accident, he wasn't raping her. Learn the difference.

If you're not kidding, I'd hate to be the guy with either of you. He'd put his arm around you and you'd run away screaming "BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH!"

By DearlyBeloved | 0

#150391 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 10:14

My boyfriend and I tried to get hot and heavy against the wall too. He couldn't support my weight (though I'm 107lbs) and down I went, hitting my head against the other wall and scraping my body against the side. So no worries, it happens to everyone.

Reply

je_suis_fml | 11

#2943420 - Thursday 21 July 2011 6:57

Um, not quite "everyone"...