Intimacy: Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly...

By jcooh0lla - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML

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Intimacy

Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

BO Central

By nerd - United States

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

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By Madi Jenna - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2020 17:01

Mom knows shit

Today, my mother-in-law decided my husband has COVID-19, read some debunked articles about how ibuprofen makes the symptoms worse, and scolded me for giving him ibuprofen for his muscle pain. I'm an actual medical doctor. FML

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By Mangled Shoelace - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML

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By Starfucks - United States - Bensalem

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

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By akosirm - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I got stung by a bee. On my eyelid. I'm allergic so it's swollen up so much, I can't even open my eye. Tomorrow is the first day of a new prestigious school. I either have to go to school wearing an eye-patch or walk around looking like a monster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

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By Jackey

Today, I signed the contract for my 18th book sale. I went to school to be a serious writer. My latest book is a gay werebear story that involves male pregnancy. FML

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By csor027 - United States

Today, I was having a good talk with a coworker and I was excited that I've made my first friend at work. After sharing some stories and some laughs he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said I do. He asked if I was always faithful, I said I was. He then walked away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was texting with my childhood crush late at night and we were exchanging secrets. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell her about my long-standing crush on her. Turns out she's a lesbian. FML

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By Anonymous - China - Chengdu

Wrong, just wrong

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

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By Uh oh... - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost two years and I broke up. Earlier, we scheduled our classes for senior year to match perfectly. Can't wait. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sherwood

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

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By losingstreak - United States

Caught

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said, "You know, I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses." FML

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By pride? what's that? :( - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML

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By Illinoisgirl - Hungary

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

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By lyssamarie316 - United States

Today, I went to an interview for a job at a company I've applied for numerous times this year. When I showed up at the interview room, I found it was a vacant office. I called and confirmed the address. I guess this was my hint to stop applying. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:03

No smoking

Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML

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By Cam - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Long secret

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is still scared of his ex. It's been 8 months and our relationship is still "secret." Why? Because he's scared that she will find out and tell his family about us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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By hoser - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 23:00

Great boyfriend

Today, I'm 37 years-old and recently out of a job. As my boyfriend refuses to pay more than half the rent as long as I live here, I have no choice but to move back in with my mom, 8 hours away. My man is quite happy to pay the entire rent as soon as I'm gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML

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By ohmydog - United States

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has a chipped tooth is because his teeth hit another girl's teeth while kissing her. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 23:00

Zoomed out

Today, I had a low blood sugar attack and almost passed out during class while over Zoom, which my professor then decided to bring attention to by calling me out for "sighing" about the research paper. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML

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By 44haley44 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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By Luke - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML

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By ilovepancakes - United States - Rolling Meadows

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

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By AdoKitty - United States - Redlands

Today, the 4-year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl". Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML

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By Margo - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

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By pagvscgrac - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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By a.white - United States - Cheltenham

Today, a classmate's mother called my phone, threatening to have my dorm room raided for drugs. Why? She saw our text messages discussing where he would pick up the textbook I borrowed and thought it was the new "code name" for weed. FML

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By Nick - Philippines

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

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By dumpedandstranded - Canada

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

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By Sara - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights and shouting, "We have a problem!" Our chinchilla had gotten out of his maximum security cage, and half of our apartment is now underwater because he decided the water line that leads to the fridge would make a tasty midnight snack. FML

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Top comments

By Ringmaster1 | 0

#426487 - Saturday 25 July 2009 0:52

And who says all men think about is sex.

By Kitola | 2

#426489 - Saturday 25 July 2009 0:52

Naked cookie baking? WIN!!

COMMENTS

By 121842 | 0

#426459 - Saturday 25 July 2009 0:46

Pfft, xD Too hilarious

realggirl | 0

#426558 - Saturday 25 July 2009 1:13

Yeah, or at least it was the first 100 times. I am getting so sick of FMLS that go "Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when he started doing something else entirely unrelated. FML." I mean it's getting really cliche.

elektrik_fml | 0

#426579 - Saturday 25 July 2009 1:21

i know. i honestly don't even believe this.

NOBODY WOULD STOP HAVING SEX FOR SUCH A POINTLESS REASON!

people are just copying all the other ones.

"Today, my boyfriend and I were in the middle of having sex, and suddenly he left to go ____________. Apparently, __________ is more important to my boyfriend than me. FML."

Fop | 6

#426634 - Saturday 25 July 2009 1:45

I would stop having sex for such a stupid reason. Then again I would only have sex for children, not pleasure like most others.

@OP, he's a keeper imo.

fuckmyparents | 0

#426649 - Saturday 25 July 2009 1:57

Stop visiting the site.

anotherdamnkid | 0

#426834 - Saturday 25 July 2009 3:45

what the fuck is wrong with you? only having sex to make children?

FarSide | 22

#426917 - Saturday 25 July 2009 4:39

That must be some real boring, sorry stuff you got there OP.

jcooh0lla | 0

#427005 - Saturday 25 July 2009 5:17

Good point, but my story is true. he was mad stoned and just got the munchies, i think it's hilarious

jcooh0lla | 0

#427022 - Saturday 25 July 2009 5:28

get over yourself..this is true, and i think its hilarious. it was good enough to make the site too, so quit bashing it. i love my boyfriend and when he's stoned he makes amazing cookies :) and i LOVE my life, haters.

yolifesucks | 0

#427181 - Saturday 25 July 2009 7:11

if you guys get married he'll be the one doing the cooking instead of you. Thats one good thing :D

LOLYLIF | 0

#427252 - Saturday 25 July 2009 8:02

Cookies > Sex

divineinstrument | 2

#427453 - Saturday 25 July 2009 11:32

Thank god the OP replied to assure us that the FML is not fake... I am also REALLY fed up of these comments stating the FML must be fake, for stupid reasons like something similar to it has already been on this site.

bgukusa00 | 0

#427458 - Saturday 25 July 2009 11:40

haha this is too weird i would never only have sex for reproduction

clarkson_fml | 0

#427652 - Saturday 25 July 2009 14:37

have u ever wondered if he was gay since he takes up baking instead of sex?

l3El2Tl2AlVl | 0

#427765 - Saturday 25 July 2009 16:40

Dude I would. I mean Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies..... They last for days. Sex.... between 5 min and a half hour.

rockmyworld | 0

#427815 - Saturday 25 July 2009 17:24

what kinda sex r u having?
jk :P well, not really..

i cracked up before i heard he was stoned, but that makes it even more funny! =D
You have betty crocker for a bf. at least, when he's high..hm, i wonder what was in the cookies besides chocolate chips?

HeAdHvNtErZ | 0

#429062 - Sunday 26 July 2009 2:25

lol its probably true cookies are soo good baked . . . and sex wouldnt even be equal atm

Jitterman | 0

#432310 - Monday 27 July 2009 2:35

Heh heh... in a similar light my ex and I did something like this one night, while making batches of chocolate chip cookies... we'd go at it for 10-15 minutes, then swap cookie sheets. Made for a very interesting evening :D

aziatic | 0

#434076 - Monday 27 July 2009 16:58

Yeah, this guy must be gay - baking during the middle of sex with a woman? No straight guys going to do that, unless he REALLY doesn't like this girl or has is in the lowest one percent for sex drive

frenchyhater | 0

#434191 - Monday 27 July 2009 17:50

why the fuck would you do that are you gay

frenchyhater | 0

#434206 - Monday 27 July 2009 17:57

are you gay your dumb as fuck

kewlguy23 | 0

#457006 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 21:04

OH COME ONE DONT BE MAD!
ITS CHOCLATE CHIP!

bleedingrainbows | 0

#478474 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 2:10

well... you can have some of the cookies too!!! :D

livietisme | 2

#961777 - Thursday 18 March 2010 12:47

if you liked it put it on mlia not fml
fml- bad funny things that happen
mlia- good funny things that happen

By heartless_fml | 6

#426462 - Saturday 25 July 2009 0:47

agreed.

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3501111 - Friday 28 October 2011 1:06

How manly...

By Rouge_Plague | 0

#426468 - Saturday 25 July 2009 0:48

Now we know where his loyalty lies.....
and what he really wants

By lexiBRo | 0

#426472 - Saturday 25 July 2009 0:49

damn.. your bf must be a min man because it definitely takes most modern ovens like a min or so to preheat..lol

GravyIsYummy | 0

#426714 - Saturday 25 July 2009 2:27

Uh, no. My oven is only 2 years old and it takes damn near 20 minutes to preheat.

MK1029 | 0

#426738 - Saturday 25 July 2009 2:42

Does your oven have downs syndrome or are you just preheating it with your breath?

well_this_sucks | 0

#427033 - Saturday 25 July 2009 5:37

its the preheat looove xD haha

By CyclonePsycho | 1

#426473 - Saturday 25 July 2009 0:49

lolwut? :O

By wtfxval | 0

#426485 - Saturday 25 July 2009 0:51

Dude, that sucks!
i would have been super pissed.

omgitsafly | 0

#426789 - Saturday 25 July 2009 3:09

that doesn't suck; it sounds heavenly.
sex and chocolate chip cookies, what more can you ask for.
she is either an unappreciative girlfriend...or someone who copies the other million FMLs about the same idea.