Miscellaneous: Today, I had my 21st birthday party. My friends told me to have... - FML

By JimmySmoothBeans - Australia

Today, I had my 21st birthday party. My friends told me to have the party even though it had been 5 months since my actual 21st birthday. They asked me why I didn't have one originally and I jokingly told them it was because I didn't think anyone would come. Turned out nobody came after all. FML

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Messed up

Deadbeat

Masterchef 2020

By anonymous - United States - Valdosta

Today, while working at Subway I joked with a customer asking him if he was going to order in Spanish. The women in front of him began yelling about how I was being racist and told my manager that I needed to be fired. The customer I was joking with was my Spanish teacher. FML

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By gassy - United States - Aubrey

Today, I woke up after sleeping with my boyfriend for the first time. I rolled over and smiled at him, and the first thing he said was, "You farted. A lot." FML

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By kb - United States

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

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By jmove - United States

One Word: Diabeetus

Today, I carhopped some food, enough to feed 6 people, out to this beat-up car. Inside were two huge ladies, who probably hadn't showered for a few days, sweating away from the hot weather. As I skated to the door, she said, "Hang on a moment," as she gave herself an insulin shot. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

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By Mike - United States - Burlington

Drama Llama

Today, I called my mother to say hi. She spent a whole hour and a half complaining about how I never call her, bawling and calling me "a waste of human flesh." I call her at least once a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have an Urinary Tract Infection, causing me to have to use the bathroom about every ten minutes. I'm also about to leave on a 15 hour car trip with my entire family. FML

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By Patrick R - United States

Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because I'm in the military and I'm gone too much. The reason I enlisted in the first place is because we agreed that the money and benefits I would earn would help us be able to start a family in the future. FML

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By Embarassed - United States

Today, I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after failing my Ls twice in the previous weeks, I finally passed. As I got home, I went for a drive with my dad. I smashed my mums car into an old ladys fence and ended up in her backyard. FML

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By omaha24 - 29/4/2020 02:00

Birthday blues

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling confident enough to approach a guy by asking the bartender if I could buy him a refill of whatever he was drinking. He was drinking water. FML

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By Sad nerd - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

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By blahmylife - United States

Today, my boss is being so cheap, he'd rather type in the dark, not fix our water heater or replace our cordless phone because he will not get his bonus if he goes over the budget. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, when I woke up, one half of my face was smooth and clear and the other half looked as if I got slapped by the Hand of Puberty itself. FML

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By icantdrive - Canada

Today, I went to a party to see my crush. He offered me a drink and I declined telling him that I don't drink because alcohol makes people act stupid and crash their cars. He then saw me back into a car parked on the street and shatter my backlights as I reversed from the driveway to go home. FML

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By BIZZMAL - United States

Today, I was out running. All of a sudden I saw a dog come towards me, I thought it was going to attack me and I screamed like a girl in front of everyone. It was a puppy wanting to play. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw a picture of me from a night of drinking that surprisingly looked really really good. I showed my boyfriend and he agreed with me. Then he added, "What's funny is it looks nothing like you!" FML

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By say no to dick - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

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By FreakinthePink

Today, I walked into my room to find my roommate's boyfriend trying on one of my pink, lacy bras. My roommate then yelled at me for coming home early. FML

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By Perdito_Coño - Australia - Quakers Hill

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML

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By chiraag87 - United States

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I was called into work to fix up their projection system. I drove 40 kilometers in peak hour to get there. As soon as I parked my car and was about to walk in, I got a phone call saying "Don't worry, we fixed it, you don't have to come in." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 02:03

Ouch

Today, while brushing my teeth half asleep, I stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush, toothpaste included. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - University Park

Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I had gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student there. This happens all the time. FML

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By christian9294 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying I was immature for making gay jokes all the time. A few hours later, I got six texts and three calls from guys I didn't know. It turns out, she put my name and number on Craigslist as a gay man seeking a relationship. FML

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By hugme101 - Canada

Today, after a long time convincing my parents that my boyfriend is really a good guy, not only did he decide to come by the house completely drunk, but he also ended up trying to kiss my mom, thinking it was me. FML

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By need_cash_now - United States

Today, six weeks before my wedding, my mother decided to claim that she never agreed on paying for it and that she doesn't think she will. Now I have six weeks to scavenge enough cash for the wedding she planned in the first place. FML

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By tenniemo

Today, I caught one of my students checking out my butt while I was helping another student at his table. I teach 8th grade. FML

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By Anonymous - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

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By yessssir - United States

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Grand Falls

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

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By Weddingbelles - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

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By AccioBucket - 12/2/2021 11:02

Overreach

Today, I'm banned from the only working bathroom in my house because my mother is cleansing for an upcoming colonoscopy. My options are either a bucket in the basement, or wetting myself. FML

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By teach - United States

Today, my teacher turned around from the blackboard and screamed, "Stop chewing your gum like a cow!" That wasn't so bad.--The bad part was when she realized it was me, she apologized saying, " I am sorry. You are not really a cow. I don't want to traumatize you; you're just overweight." FML

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By wheresthelove - United States

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML

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Top comments

By flylikemusic | 0

#631789 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:12

Why would you expect anyone to celebrate your birthday five months later if you didn't think they would on the actual day of?

By DoomJeff91 | 2

#631836 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:59

I'm busy. I'll read this FML in five months.

COMMENTS

By flylikemusic | 0

#631789 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:12

Why would you expect anyone to celebrate your birthday five months later if you didn't think they would on the actual day of?

By toink | 0

#631808 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:24

Nobody' seems to be coming to read this FML eighter. Bad luck, Jimmy! =/

Reply

Tequilamockngbrd | 7

#631885 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 21:37

His friends probably encouraged him to post it. He really needs to stop listening to them.

By plainferkeeps | 0

#631826 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:42

shitty

By cutiepi | 0

#631831 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:53

I don't understand this at all

Reply

jayneroadkill | 0

#631950 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 22:50

Oh good, I'm not the only one.

Reply

BLNovelist | 0

#632346 - Thursday 22 October 2009 2:54

Basically, the OP didn't hold a party because he didn't think anyone would show up to it. A few months later he put one together because his friends told him to, yet none of them bothered to show up for it.

By Maxine17 | 8

#631833 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:54

Most unpopular FML of all time?

By DoomJeff91 | 2

#631836 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:59

I'm busy. I'll read this FML in five months.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#631841 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 21:03

Haha, win.

Reply

toink | 0

#632418 - Thursday 22 October 2009 3:27

toxi! welcome back! :D

By AdviceDog | 0

#631866 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 21:23

DRINK ANTIFREEZE AND VODKA
. ._
,:' ./ __....._
/ ./ / . ,-.._.'
| / 6 . ___
.| 6 . . . . . . .4
.| . . . .. . . ./
._ .. .---- '
.(_'---'`)
./ `'---`()
LIVE FOREVER

Reply

cutiepi | 0

#634903 - Friday 23 October 2009 19:52

What is that supposed to be? Wilma Flinstone?

By Sodam_INsane | 0

#631889 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 21:46

some friends eh

By Bones_effect15 | 0

#631893 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 21:59

Birthdays are overrated these days.

By killurbeer | 0

#631894 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 21:59

kudos for the anchorman quote