Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML

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Miscellaneous

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Innocent

Forever the bridesmaid

By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, after winning a major photography competition with the prize of an expensive workshop with a top photographer, I learned that my crazy stalker has paid the £250 workshop costs, and will travel 5 hours just to be there with me. FML

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By sastgamer - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I asked about 30 students and 3 of my teachers to sign my yearbook. So far, only my math teacher agreed to write in it. He wrote, "You need to try harder next year." FML

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By amazinghermit - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML

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By Latina - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML

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By richard - United States - Redmond

Today, fed up with my nerdy appearance, I got my hair shaved off, hoping for a Walter White kind of look. I didn't think it was too bad, but not even an hour later, I'd already been called a "fat Bruce Willis" and compared to a freshly circumcised penis. FML

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By John - United States

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

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By Late marriage - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Secret sex

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after house sitting for my neighbor, I realized that he has a camera pointed at my pool. FML

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By booty backfire - United States

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today as I was waiting at the gynecologist I texted my husband to see if birth control pills were covered on our insurance...yep texted my boss instead who I had been asking about a raise..don’t think I’ll be getting that raise... FML

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By MicachuPikachu - United States - Independence

Today, to make it seem like the customers actually liked me, I told my coworkers I got tipped $12. Sadly, that "$12 tip" came from my own pocket. FML

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By drunkinriot - United States

Today, my drunk brother thought I could withstand a metal chair being slammed across my back like on the wrestling shows. I guess he didn't know that the shows are fake. FML

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By hahahah111 - United States

Today, my mom was driving me somewhere. As we were driving she got mad at a motorcycle driver telling to "get the fuck off the road." In response, the driver decided to spit into my open window. His spit landed on my face. FML

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By farmvillefail - United States

Today, I found out the best way to communicate with my boyfriend, who is obsessed with farmville, is by placing a "sign post" on his farm. Not sending text, email, or calling, but placing a message on his imaginary farm. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the dry cleaner next to my house went up in flames. I went outside to look at the fire, as I looked on in amazement I realized I had dropped off all of my work clothes at the cleaners two days before. I was supposed to pick them up today but was too lazy to walk the 10 feet to the store. FML

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By weezel - South Africa

Today, I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. My mom later asked me if she could borrow the camera for the weekend. Without thinking, I gave her the camera. FML

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By SadIndianLife - India - Delhi

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

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23359

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By #MurrayShow

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

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24632

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By fisherman - United States

Today, I went fishing with friends looking to catch big redfish. During the trip, one of the men caught a 50 pound monster which I put away. At the end of the trip they wanted to take a picture with it. I went to wash off the fish in the water. Apparently the fish wasn't dead and swam away. FML

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By Well this Is Awkward - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend gave me his theory on how the world would be a better place if Hitler had won the 2nd World War. FML

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By My Body Hates me - 30/7/2020 05:01

What's next?

Today, I was diagnosed with a severe bladder infection that has left me in excruciating pain. A month ago, I had an ovarian cyst rupture. A few weeks before that, I badly sprained my elbow. Before that, I had the flu. I think my body is mutinying one organ system at a time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her tooth brush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

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By Britishboy1991

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

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By NewFiancee - United States

Today, I went out for dinner with my parents where they asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend so I answered no. They quickly responded by saying, "Oh so you finally got rid of that douchebag? It's not like he was getting anywhere in life anyways." I answered no because he's my fiancé now. FML

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By Queenie

Today, my work's annual Christmas party is at 3:00. Everyone in the office is off work at 2:00, except me and the boss who is staying 'til 4:00. I have been informed the boss is leaving early today to attend the Christmas party, but I need to lock up when I leave at 4:00. FML

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By fuckmuppet - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML

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By moonlight77

Today, I deliberately snapped a pic of myself and edited it to add to my story, in order to make my ex think I have a life on a Saturday night. FML

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1165

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By shaving kit

Today, my workplace was having a raffle and was giving away a Venus shaving kit. A co-worker won, but instead of keeping it, she walked over and handed the basket to me in front of everyone, said "You need it more" and walked away. FML

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By Unemployed - Malaysia

Today, I fell asleep during my division emergency meeting. As I about to head home that evening, my boss patted me on the back saying "Wrong move. Good luck". Turned out, it was a meeting to determine who will be kicked out of the company due to recession. My name was written first on the list. FML

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By keerow - United States

Today, I realized that the homeless people I give change to all dress better than I do, including the one that doesn't believe in pants. FML

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By wannadi - United States - Camden

Today, I was told by co-workers with whom I have worked for 2 years that I tan too much and dye my hair black too often. I'm from the Middle East and have never tanned nor dyed my hair. My co-workers think I'm a wannabe. FML

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40531

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By weedvocate - 25/3/2020 14:02

All in the Family

Today, my mother brought home dinner for 4 people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

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1648

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By howannoying - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my mother started cursing at a lady for tooting her horn at her in traffic, because there was "no need for road rage". When I tried to calm her down, she slammed on the brakes and told me to get out and walk. FML

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31199

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By littlemisstiny - Ireland

Today, I swapped seats with someone on a ferry so she could sit next to her friend. Minutes later, a child sitting behind me threw up on my head, while the girl I had swapped with and her friend laughed hysterically as I attempted to wipe the puke from my hair. FML

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By LoveStinks

Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML

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By pottypattypeepants - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 08:00

Reading comprehension

Today, one of my clients called me, saying that he received my email. When I asked what I could do for him, he replied, “Well, what does the email say?” FML

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Top comments

By padlarf | 14

#641261 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 12:37

So you were startled by something, and you didn't know what is was, yet you continued showering instead of finding out?

By SaintJimmy | 0

#641267 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 12:42

Damn, six more weeks of winter.

COMMENTS

By padlarf | 14

#641261 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 12:37

So you were startled by something, and you didn't know what is was, yet you continued showering instead of finding out?

MLB6 | 2

#642267 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 2:05

ok explain how u get shadows in a shower unless u showerr in the park right by your house naked.

AlexZB | 0

#643428 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 23:17

"actually literally" enough with the adverbs!

blankaex | 0

#1404500 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 16:43

I know, right, 47?

Actually, literally afraid? Too good to just be afraid?

By SaintJimmy | 0

#641267 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 12:42

Damn, six more weeks of winter.

kukopia | 0

#641444 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 15:58

LOLERED!!

omghehehe | 0

#641777 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 20:28

hahahahha

mon_e_mons | 0

#646771 - Friday 30 October 2009 23:06

XD awesome.

By iamseamonster | 0

#641271 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 12:47

Are you relatively slow in mental development?

By The_Advice_Guy | 0

#641274 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 12:50

That's perfectly fine,however you can't let your shadow know that you're afraid or it will make you it's bitch.YOU TEACH THAT SHADOW WHO'S IN CHARGE!

By nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#641278 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 12:54

"If there's something weird and it don't look good
Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters! "

By omghehehe | 0

#641281 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 12:56

LMAO! Poor U :D

By perdix | 29

#641304 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 13:32

I'll bet you called the cops telling them a big, fat shadow is terrorizing you when you, in fact, have a perfectly shapely figure and cannot possibly can be casting such a shapeless, saggy silhouette.

HJB | 0

#641572 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 17:55

Huh?

omghehehe | 0

#641772 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 20:25

:D Ur funny!!!! hahahhaha (resp to perdix)

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#641305 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 13:33

I believe this is known as "Peter Pan" syndrome.

willosh_fml | 0

#641458 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:07

http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0geu8aSDOdKQ9AAkSVXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTByc2FtNTRpBHNlYwNzcgRwb3MDNgRjb2xvA2FjMgR2dGlkAw--/SIG=12r9d18pd/EXP=1256742418/**http%3a//www.evanbailyn.com/index.php/article/what_is_peter_pan_syndrome/

so its not peter pan syndrome
im trying to figure out how it is called

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#641553 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 17:34

I am impressed, willosh. Most people on the FML site would just tell me, "It's not Peter Pan syndrome. Go DIAF and say hi to Hilter for me!" without citing a reference.

By owlowl | 0

#641307 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 13:34

This sounds exactly like something I would do. But please never say "actually literally" ever again. Choose one or the other, don't use both.

By Funambulist | 0

#641318 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 13:43

LOL, and FYL xD