Intimacy, Relatable, Wanker and Sextoys: Alone time

Alone time

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 14:00

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 335

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Same thing different taste

By axwound - 27/12/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I was in bed with my cat on my lap. No one was around, so I felt comfortable enough to let out a huge fart. What I didn't expect was my cat jumping up and then clawing and biting my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 549

You deserved it 29 263

Surprise, wanker!

By pussnboots - 16/07/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, as I was feeling frisky, I started to jack off. I was about to come when my cat attacked my hand and nether regions under the blanket. I really got the pussy, didn’t I? FML

I agree, your life sucks 351

You deserved it 216

By ouchh - 11/09/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 942

You deserved it 7 327

By ambushcat - 06/07/2012 03:31 - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 514

You deserved it 28 636

Splinters

By Anonymous - 14/08/2024 11:00 - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, after sex last night, I'd fallen asleep nude without bothering to put on underwear. What a mistake that was. My cat decided to wake me up by clawing and biting my naked morning wood like she was trying to rip the head off a mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 163

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 20:53 - United States

Today, while playing with my cat, she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 253

You deserved it 5 275

By stanDman - 19/01/2009 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 444

You deserved it 10 471

By Anonymous - 12/01/2010 07:45 - United States

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 231

You deserved it 23 779

By Anonymous - 04/09/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 144

You deserved it 482

By Anonymous - 27/05/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 732

You deserved it 8 165

rainbowdonnareed 18

Monday 19 April 2021 22:02

Why was the door open?

rainbowdonnareed 18

Monday 19 April 2021 22:06

Declawing a cat is like having your, nails pulled out

Comments

bleachedraven 14

Monday 19 April 2021 20:43

Some cats (or dogs) are assholes...I'm sorry you had to wait so long for "personal" time...maybe remove the cat from the room next time? No need to ruin a happy ending because mr fluffy didn't know that his owner was trying to relieve themselves. 🤣 Some cats are vicious and need declawed period 🤣

rainbowdonnareed 18

Monday 19 April 2021 22:06

Declawing a cat is like having your, nails pulled out

Jon Tessler 14

Tuesday 20 April 2021 3:05

actually declawing a cat is like removing your fingers at the first knuckle. declawing a cat is cruel, and leads to further issues with a cats paws down the road.

Hangryko 31

Thursday 2 November 2023 9:09

@rainbowdonnareed - Apologies, I downvoted you by mistake. I agree, declawing cats is horribly cruel.

raven_of_azarath 34

Tuesday 20 April 2021 3:12

Except they don’t grow back. And that knuckle (cuz it’s a knuckle) is where they naturally put their weight when walking, so you’re forcing them to walk in a way they aren’t supposed to, thus causing arthritis. The best comparison I can think of is if we removed a huge chunk of our heel.

rainbowdonnareed 18

Tuesday 20 April 2021 3:53

I meant from the bone

rainbowdonnareed 18

Monday 19 April 2021 22:02

Why was the door open?

raven_of_azarath 34

Tuesday 20 April 2021 3:14

Studio apartment? Or some other living arrangements with no door? I live in essentially a mother in law suite, and my cats aren’t allowed outside of it in the rest of the house. The only doors I have are the bathroom (which I can’t close since that’s where their litter box is) and the door to the rest of the house.