Miscellaneous: Today, I failed an oral speech because "I didn't look up once."...

By oralMistake - 26/10/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I failed an oral speech because "I didn't look up once." The problem was, every time I looked up, my teacher looked down. Every time I looked down, she looked up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 788

You deserved it 6 440

Miscellaneous

Compromises

The smell detective is on the case

Leave us alone

By .__. - 16/07/2013 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 800

You deserved it 4 587

By Anonymous - 06/03/2015 03:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 786

You deserved it 22 207

Let me sleep!

By ineed sleep!!! - 22/10/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument when I suggested we start sleeping in separate rooms. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case. I’m madly in love with him, but he snores like a freight train and thrashes like a fucking Ninja Turtle all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 917

You deserved it 228

By ImilkedYourMom - 03/05/2016 13:31 - United States - Bronx

Today, after a 14-mile bike tour in Chicago, I got rug burn on my inner thighs. Having the hostel room all by myself for the last couple of days, I got naked and let the air conditioner cool me off. I then had to explain to my roommate that walked in on me that I seriously was not jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 308

You deserved it 2 061

By Anonymous - 11/03/2014 18:51

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 910

You deserved it 4 349

By hellolaina - 27/06/2016 16:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that without fail, even if I'm not supposed to get it, I get my period just in time for vacations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 872

You deserved it 1 368

By kdeeeceee - 09/11/2011 05:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 445

You deserved it 4 555

By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 787

You deserved it 4 092

By gorillalove - 11/09/2010 19:25 - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 187

You deserved it 10 527

Deception

By that'sokay - 12/05/2020 23:00

Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 711

You deserved it 460

By Sarah - 26/01/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 197

You deserved it 2 460

By WTFLY - 23/03/2013 08:17 - United States - Hilo

Today, a small fly flew straight up into my nose. I spent 10 minutes trying to blow/scratch/pick it out to no avail. I can still feel it moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 178

You deserved it 3 073

By Jessika - 07/08/2009 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 275

You deserved it 3 848

By Anonymous - 27/02/2014 14:34 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 031

You deserved it 61 083

How? Why?

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Onancock

Today, after getting in bed after a long day, I decided I would relieve some tension. Just as I'm ready to pop, in walks my grandma. I explode. My grandma, without missing a beat, just says, "Get cleaned up and go to bed. It's after twelve o'clock, you have to work in the morning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 317

Traditions suck

By Anonymous - 22/01/2021 17:01 - Australia

Today, my fiance told me that his father would need to check my hymen is intact to ensure I'm pure before we get married. This is a new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 738

You deserved it 149

By CashChamp20 - 17/08/2011 06:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a necklace from one of her guy friends. She loves it. It's a heart shaped necklace. She doesn't see a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 051

You deserved it 6 887

By Nick - 20/07/2013 19:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 135

You deserved it 5 098

Secrecy

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 22:30 - South Africa

Today, I found out my husband of one year has been renting his old batchelor's apartment in secret, because he is unsure if he wants to stay married to me, and we are broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 056

You deserved it 77

By lk26 - 08/02/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to my car to discover a note on the windshield from the city telling me that they had hit my car. On top of that note was a parking ticket, also from the city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 515

You deserved it 2 909

Thanks Rufo…

By Anonymous - 09/11/2021 20:01 - United States

Today, I found out that my mom is planning on going to my high school's board meeting to complain about her latest boogeyman, Critical Race Theory, being taught. I graduated 17 years ago. She doesn't really know what it is, either. I really wish she could get over her bonkers Facebook groups addiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 228

By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - 18/12/2012 21:44 - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 334

You deserved it 4 191

By ouch - 13/08/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, I was babysitting 3 toddlers. I wanted to entertain them by making them laugh, but nothing worked. Later on, I started down the stairs, but tripped and tumbled down. I realized I have broken my arm and bruised my knees. I also realized that kids think it's hilarious when you get injured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 945

You deserved it 4 736

By Furry - 02/12/2009 18:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a long way. I waited ten minutes for it to let up, only to find it was getting heavier. So, I started walking anyway. After getting soaked to the bone, I walked through my door, and it stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 237

You deserved it 3 451

By balletteacher - 08/09/2012 20:32 - United States

Today, I realized my acne looks like star constellations. I've already found the Little Dipper on my left cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 181

You deserved it 2 568

By Anonymous - 24/08/2014 04:14 - United States

Today, a guy took me out on a date. His imaginary friends joined us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 211

You deserved it 3 658

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, in the spirit of Christmas, I let a spider live in my room. I normally kill them, because I'm scared of waking up with one on my face. I woke up with it on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 799

You deserved it 23 568

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 047

You deserved it 2 541

By singleladynow - 20/01/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 293

You deserved it 3 388

By O-|---<=~ - 18/10/2013 23:01 - United States - Bellingham

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 935

You deserved it 5 607

By WhyTheFNot - 20/06/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I came home from work and had to pee so badly that I ran to the bathroom and ripped my pants down. My touch screen phone dropped from my pocket and started calling my boyfriend. Since I couldn't quite reach the phone, I left a message of me peeing on his cell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 392

You deserved it 9 279

By Not Jewish - 02/03/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 978

You deserved it 4 972

When nature calls

By Sacha - 19/01/2021 08:01 - Canada

Today, while I was working in a grocery store, a costumer decide to take a dump on the ground after I told him he couldn’t access to restrooms because my boss closed them due to COVID restrictions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 157

By Anonymous - 14/03/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 563

You deserved it 38 349

By not-so-happy-feet - 14/06/2009 23:41 - Canada

Today, I was at my friends birthday party, dancing bare foot because my feet hurt from the heels. Apparently, someone dropped a glass on the dancefloor and didn't warn anybody. I ended up having to drive myself to the emergency room because all my friends were "having too much fun to leave." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 975

You deserved it 6 438

Been There

By PeppermintPenny - 10/08/2017 20:00

Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 611

You deserved it 1 363

By fuckspellcheck - 28/04/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 673

You deserved it 62 065

Trial and mainly error

By unlucky - 13/11/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I have done enough trials to confirm that I puke after each time I have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 523

You deserved it 4 513

Zone 6

By lukey101 - 30/09/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I took the train home to save a few dollars on an Uber fare. I fell asleep on the train, got a fine for travelling outside of my paid zone, and had to take an even longer Uber home than it would have been from where I started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 440

By Nathanael Johnson - 04/08/2019 08:00 - Australia

Today, after a fun movie night, I found a note on my fridge saying, “It was delicious.” I don’t know what it is referring to, since nothing is missing and we didn’t eat anything during the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 346

You deserved it 101

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Top comments

Monado 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 22:50

Hey, anything oral requires at least one head down ;)

emgirlie5732 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 22:51

hahah ur nickname made me burst out laughing... if you think about it not about this situation...

Monado 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 22:50

Hey, anything oral requires at least one head down ;)

brink0war 3

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Monday 26 October 2009 22:55

Hahahahaha! That just made my day! Epic Win!

Atamix 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:29

does the game involve you? cause if so, im not interested

i_got_it 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:48

Hell yeah. I think I'll pass on that one.

CaptainPat 0

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:49

only if your hot. but most likely no.

phatdaddy 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 13:29

don't worry #8, some ugly fuck will be desperate and drunk enough to toss in in there for a few minutes before he passes out.

emgirlie5732 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 22:51

hahah ur nickname made me burst out laughing... if you think about it not about this situation...

donkey_hang_down 2

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:05

TOXI: Who doesnt look up at least once during oral? Plus if the teacher was looking down when he/she was looking up, why couldnt the teacher see him/her?

Intoxicunt 5

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:21

Ahaha, exactly! Win! I don't look up.

Intoxicunt 5

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:43

I can't look up if I'm in 69, otherwise I just see balls and feet.

donkey_hang_down 2

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:46

and BUTT!! Oh what was I saying? I am sure you look down though right?

Intoxicunt 5

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 0:01

I don't look anywhere when in 69. There's nothing to see. Just focus on the task at hand. Or watch the movement.

Intoxicunt 5

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 0:46

Oh but the reverse cowgirl turns into doggy style so quickly. *Sigh*

Skull_300 0

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:15

Giddyup!!!

perdix 29

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 3:17

Not if you throw in a lot of "Yee-haws" during your ride, and if he tries to get up and make it doggy-style, yell, "Bad dog, no biscuit! Down, boy!" and kick him with your spurs. Toxi, you should get your way. Insist on it!

Intoxicunt 5

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 5:42

Ehhh, no! I'd rather him take charge. But let's not go into all that.

picturetaker 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 22:56

lol @monado.

simplyn2deep 2

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Monday 26 October 2009 22:58

I guess this is where video taping comes in handy...

leoofbodom 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:28

i came

fawfulster 11

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:58

I agree. In speeches it is really common that someone tapes it. Unless the speech was in a classroom and it was a project.

wingedspiritus 0

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:38

I think the OP did mention a teacher? e__e; Der~

null_fml 11

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:12

And here I thought student + teacher + oral ALWAYS ended up in a perfect grade. EDIT: Wow by the time I posted the joke had already been done... multiple times...

perdix 29

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:37

If you talk to much when you are doing it, you can fail. Also, if your dirty talk includes, "It smells down here," "Do you have any infections?" or "This does not taste like any tuna I ever had," you can also fail.

katie72 6

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Monday 15 August 2011 22:59

PERDIX y u so funny

riku3220 2

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:23

Ugh. I can relate. My speech teacher gave me two 40s on a project because I didn't "work as hard as everybody else". Apparantly using an 11x14" posterboard is too small and it wasn't fair for everyone else who used fucking tri-folds...

perdix 29

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:27

Maybe you were giving her oral so badly she was embarrassed to make eye contact with you.

RNCftw 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:44

i know teachers grading speeches look up most of the time and only look down to glance at/write notes. you should be maintaining eye contact with the audience for pretty much the entire time anyway. YDI for not knowing how to give a presentation.

Turnip_Girl 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 23:46

Of course, there's the other end of the spectrum where you're just staring at each other the whole time. Which is creepy, but at least it gives them the impression that you're listening!