Intimacy: Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we...

By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 20:32

Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we couldn't have sex by candlelight since she had just started her period. The only time she brings up sex is when we can't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 425

You deserved it 1 701

Intimacy

Walk the line

Hiding from the drama

On the rocks

By Kaitlyn Aronson - 07/12/2018 15:30

Today, my coworker spilled sticky fruit glaze all over my cake display cake and left it overnight uncleaned. The same display case I spent 2 hours cleaning the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 496

You deserved it 149

By flustered - 28/07/2009 22:55 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 331

You deserved it 52 197

Score!

By zwillywilly - 10/08/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was working in a warehouse where fellow employees were kicking empty boxes around. Seeing a box, I got running distance and kicked it as hard as I could, only to look up in horror to see that I had kicked into our CEO's face. I still had both my arms up in score mode. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 549

You deserved it 50 446

By Yudith - 04/06/2019 02:00

Today, at work, a customer pulled down her pants and lifted her sweater to reveal a hole in her chest full of greenish, stinky goo. I don't work in anything health-related. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 077

You deserved it 113

By badhairday - 21/02/2018 01:30

Today, I went to the salon to get my extremely curly hair cut for the first time in years. Apparently, "just trim the dead ends" and "give me an afro" mean the same thing to a barber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 956

You deserved it 362

By huj - 25/09/2010 21:49 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 026

You deserved it 4 294

By Jillian Drute - 16/08/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 287

You deserved it 2 873

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 06:55 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 071

You deserved it 1 591

By lea5459 - 20/11/2012 06:47 - United States - Medford

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 610

You deserved it 3 415

By Noname - 12/02/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 409

You deserved it 134 759

By t-dawg - 09/05/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 783

You deserved it 84 282

Pass the parcel

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 10:59

Today, I went to my son's friend's birthday party and felt really proud of giving a great gift. It just so happened that I regifted the same gift that his friend's mother gave to my son the month before because I forgot to check the name on the bag. It looked like she was about to faint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 1 409

By Barking Mad - 04/08/2013 11:21 - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 827

You deserved it 7 697

By T3kM4n - 20/09/2016 06:08 - United States - Spokane

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 828

You deserved it 1 220

By Anonymous - 22/03/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, my parents and I were looking through old photos. My dad comments, "Wow you were chubby back then. But that's ok, it was baby fat." Then he turns to me and asks, "What's your excuse now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 464

You deserved it 11 343

By helpme - 03/05/2017 02:00

Today, my gay best friend slept over, as he has many times during the past three years of our friendship. This time, however, he confessed to me that he's only pretended to be gay to get closer to me because he's in love with me. I've allowed my stalker to sleep in my house and in my bed for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 428

You deserved it 1 485

C'est la langue de l'amour!

By Anonymous - 19/10/2017 05:00

Today, my French teacher set up a role-play scenario to act out in front of the class. During one of my lines, I mispronounced a phrase and called my teacher sexy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 036

You deserved it 438

By Aly - 15/08/2013 07:10 - United States - Ontario

Today, my cousin texted me, asking how the chicken pizza had settled in my stomach. We got drunk last night and had pizza. I thought it was cheese; it was chicken. I've been vegetarian for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 574

You deserved it 48 726

Oh, the irony

By HassledAirfarer - 07/12/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an "inconsiderate, selfish bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 929

You deserved it 2 427

Please clap

By Anonymous - 28/12/2021 11:01

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. How did I find out? I'm sitting in a hospital room being given antibiotics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 458

You deserved it 100

By nen_00 - 14/09/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 218

You deserved it 44 108

By GuitarNerd - 23/01/2017 22:41 - United States - Denver

Today, my mom told me that I would get to leave school halfway through the day. What she didn't tell me was that the reason I was missing school was to get 2 teeth pulled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 675

You deserved it 725

By 1234 - 22/06/2015 11:26 - United States - Lutz

Today, when I turned on the TV, there was a picture of a wanted murderer. The picture looked just like my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 330

You deserved it 2 750

Nice

By happypineapple - 17/07/2014 03:31 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 628

You deserved it 19 856

By lizi - 21/08/2017 03:30 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 643

You deserved it 689

By skid - 02/06/2015 14:59 - United States - Champaign

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 000

You deserved it 3 094

Make it so

By MissArizona - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 895

You deserved it 4 101

Headfucked

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 17:00

Today, after two weeks of migraines, my doctor informed me that bowel movements are one my triggers. This means every time I shit, I will have a headache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 807

You deserved it 91

By Delicious - 06/12/2009 07:28 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that the shower sponge I've been using for a while now is the very same sponge my friends used to wipe up my vomit when I was drunk. I have been exfoliating a puked on sponge for more than a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 387

You deserved it 31 801

By tempted to become single - 21/10/2012 16:00 - United States - Atwater

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 234

You deserved it 3 154

By Alohaporno - 03/08/2011 18:31 - Canada

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 290

You deserved it 32 048

By Ariel - 02/06/2009 12:19 - Israel

Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 260

You deserved it 7 743

By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 09:57 - United States

Today, I started some laundry late at night. Once my clothes were in the washer for about a half hour, I got bored and I decided I would listen to my iPod. After looking for it for another 15 minutes, I remembered where I'd left it; in my jacket... which is now nice and clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 551

You deserved it 27 286

By Anonymous - 12/01/2017 20:00

Today, after 3 years of unemployment and 6 months of hard studying, I found out I hadn't actually registered myself for the public service exam that will happen later this month and could finally get me a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 449

You deserved it 2 439

By thatsnotacat - 21/11/2013 17:52 - Australia - West End

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 448

You deserved it 3 340

By geekyteendisaster - 25/09/2018 07:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, my crush finally asked me to homecoming. I told my best friend, thinking she would be happy for me. Now we are in a big argument and she won't talk to me because I have a date and she doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 195

You deserved it 259

By Username - 27/01/2011 17:40 - Romania

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 053

You deserved it 5 674

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 07:00 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, it's my birthday and I had to work. My boss wished me a happy birthday, and then told me I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 015

You deserved it 132

By Anonymous - 06/07/2011 23:43 - United States

Today, my friends staged an intervention. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, and I own my own house. My car is paid for and my job pays well. Apparently, I need an intervention because my life is not where they want it to be, which involves me being married with children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 260

You deserved it 3 561

By SKuser - 19/05/2009 08:09 - China

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 830

You deserved it 4 818

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

dorothy675 15

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 15:58

Some women don't get horny until they're either on their period or very close to it. It's a weird system we have. Good luck OP!

ChaiseT 16

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 15:58

Then why don't you bring it up when she's not on it.

moodyreallyrocks 27

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 15:56

Sucks OP!!

seriously1738 8

Send a private message

Sunday 31 July 2016 9:28

His girlfriend probably doesn't.

childproofpizza 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 9 August 2016 17:26

Succs*

ChaiseT 16

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 15:58

Then why don't you bring it up when she's not on it.

chrisbeaudoin 26

Thursday 28 July 2016 23:09

He probably has, I think that's why he made an fml about it.

dorothy675 15

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 15:58

Some women don't get horny until they're either on their period or very close to it. It's a weird system we have. Good luck OP!

Sunflora219 26

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 1:58

I can confirm this.

viipeterson98 14

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 6:55

confirmed

TheHcwalker 20

Send a private message

Saturday 30 July 2016 4:00

I don't mind blood, that's what showers are for, getting clean.

ImASisterFister 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 30 August 2016 4:02

Well I mean you did choose to get married.... deal with the side affects xD

justcommenting19 19

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 15:58

Maaaaybe you should talk to her about it. Reignite the passion in the relationship? But what would I know. I'm a sponge.

Colon_Man 17

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 16:20

HOLY SHIT! A TALKING SPONGE!

MrFrosty10 6

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 20:50

I just love the ending of this comment xD

jbuckets_404 38

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 11:32

#12: Um, no; for now, we not only know that he can type, but SEE, too! As for speaking, currently there's no supporting evidence....

Colon_Man 17

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 19:59

You got me, there.

toolazytotype99 18

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 15:59

Maybe you should try bringing up sex when you guys can instead of waiting for her to

redscarf_fml 8

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 16:04

You could have period sex. There's nothing wrong with it!

NostalgiaFreak9 40

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 17:10

Periods stop nothing but a sentence.

Moonfate 16

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 20:34

Period sex is the best kind of sex.

liria_fml 15

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 2:06

Having sex during ones period helps to reduce pain from cramps.

josephbates 8

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 4:51

Then rub it all over your face like war paint!

anlong93 9

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 6:09

Aaand, it went too far.

Colon_Man 17

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 20:01

This is why we don't have him over, as much, anymore.

doemetoch 28

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 16:08

Period doesn't mean no sexy stuff can happen though. Even if she (or you) isn't comfortable with actual penetration while on her period, you can hug, kiss, stroke, lick, bite,... each other. So many things you could do that would be fun and exciting for both of you! (And honestly, if you've never even though of this because for you sex is only about penis-in-vagina-stuff, that might explain why she doesn't seem very eager to have sex with you...)

YourOpinionSucks 22

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 19:43

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Jumbled_Mess 7

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 20:29

They need the "bullshit" because doing the deed with a dry vagina is no fun.

nonamejack 3

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 2:46

That's literally what sex is though.

sarianna 10

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 5:42

Oh, #59, just wait until you find out about lesbians.

Stiggy626 25

Send a private message

Friday 8 June 2018 1:36

I bet he doesn't have a gf. probably never given a girl an orgasm either

Stiggy626 25

Send a private message

Friday 8 June 2018 1:36

I bet he doesn't have a gf. probably never given a girl an orgasm either

RememberSchlitz 9

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 16:08

"They don't close the amusement park just 'cos the merry-go-round's broke." - Ron White

Zebediabolical 39

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 20:56

Any port in a bloody storm, old chap.

Eldslibo 20

Send a private message

Thursday 28 July 2016 16:13

Do you bring it up? Do you have sex, but she never take initiative? Or is it just that she doesn't bring it up and therefore you don't have sex at all? Maybe she's insecure, maybe she doesn't want to have sex, maybe your sexdrive is way higher then hers. Talk to her, it might help. If she only brings it up when she's on her period, when there's no time, when you can't do it, etc, it might be because she doesn't want to, sorry. No matter what reason lies behind it, talk to her!

TheMathMajor 26

Send a private message

Friday 29 July 2016 15:52

This definitely. I had that conversation with my fiance recently. He was upset because I rarely initiate sex, so he was feeling unattractive and like I didn't want him. But the truth is we just have different sex drives and I really prefer it when he initiates. So I learned that he really likes it when I initiate, so now I can make an effort to do that more for him. Problem solved! You can't address the problem until you know what it is and both partners are aware of it.