Transportation: Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

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Transportation

There's no helping some people

Race against the clock

Workaholic

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stevenston

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

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By babasheep - Canada

Today, after dieting and working out for almost 3 months, I sit down on my chair to finish off some work. It broke. FML

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By Richocet - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By cheesylad - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

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3089

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By BrokeCollegeStudent

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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3582

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By newly passed, newly grassed - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

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By 12345678910 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling me a "party-pooper" and saying I was killing everyone's buzz. FML

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By Jong - United States

Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got fined when my fat dog decided to walk across a private film set to get at the catering area. FML

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24936

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By Anonymous - United States - Lees Summit

Today, I sent the girl I like flowers, only to have her later post a picture of them online, saying, "ha when losers send you flowers". FML

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33636

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By SoDead - 5/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Overbearing parents are the worst

Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

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By weirdthingtosay - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

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39763

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southampton

WTF VHS?

Today, a teacher asked me to edit a video of her class. Unfamiliar with cameras that work with video tape, I accidentally recorded over her video. The footage is impossible for me to get back. FML

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By Chicketi - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

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39915

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By so embarrassed - United States - South Salem

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He wound up drinking a whole bottle of wine, and when the bill came he drunkenly yelled at the waiter, claiming it should be free, because he's in the military "fighting for your freedom". He's a mechanic in the National Guard. FML

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By Bec99 - 19/4/2020 17:00

Spotted

Today, the pimples on my face are finally clearing up. They seem to have migrated to my ass. FML

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1531

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Close, but no cigar

Today, my boyfriend tried to compliment my date-night attire. His brain couldn't decide between, "So pretty" and, "You're the shit," so his mouth decided, "You're so shitty" would suffice. FML

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1776

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, my mom gave me and my brothers each a cd of her recent photoshoot for her book. I found out later that my mom didn't know how to burn only SOME of the photos on the CD, and ended up burning all of the photos onto the CD. Some of the photos were provocative. FML

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23093

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By Pattie - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a Brazilian wax in anticipation of becoming intimate for the first time this weekend with a man I have dated for a few weeks. I'm so sore it hurts just to walk. FML

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28493

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By ilovezim29 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

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26785

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

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By hopefulanonymous - United States

Today, I dropped off a box for my sister at her job. In a rush, I unknowingly parked in a reserved spot. When I got back to my car, I saw that my car was being towed. After successfully flirting myself out of an expensive towing bill, I backed into the pole behind me, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

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By probablyfired

Today, I was running late for work. I was trying to find my car keys, then realized I'd left them in my boyfriend's car. My phone charger was locked in my car, and my phone was dead. I couldn’t get hold of my boss and explain what had happened. I’m fired, aren’t I? FML

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1260

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By whyyyyyme - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

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By Maju - Netherlands

Dumb, but relatable

Today, I hit my toe against a table. Out of frustration, I kicked the table and broke my little toe. FML

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515

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By hellphone_fml

Today, someone knocked on my door. I yelled "Yeah?" while getting up, since it was locked. My grandpa walked in, as I apparently didn't actually lock it. I was naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Is that even possible?

Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

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3100

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my younger daughter left her silly band collection on the carpet in front of the fireplace. I now have melted unicorns and princesses stuck in my carpet. FML

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28896

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By MitchRapp - United States

Today, my brother asked me what I want for my birthday, so I said that we could just hang out. He told me I should ask for something more realistic, like a gift card. FML

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19972

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By Username - Japan

Today, I quit my job and sent a mass mail on Facebook that I was moving to a different state with my long time boyfriend. He called me later that night to tell me we aren't moving after all. Now we are both jobless with loads of bills to pay by the end of the month. FML

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By man down! man down... - Canada - Ottawa

Change it!

Today, I had sex with a friend. It was really good too! Until she kicked me in my right nut while changing positions. FML

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1995

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By Jen_ - France

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

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30404

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

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69852

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By ChelseaRae - United States

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 17:03

This charming man

Today, I found out my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. And gave me an STD. FML

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By fistpumpin4life - France

Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

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By klynn267 - United States - Portland

Today, I switched cell phone service providers, hoping to upgrade. After working out the details and picking a phone in the store, I got home to find my brand new cell can't get a signal in my house. I already signed the two year contract. FML

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24417

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By ER1C - Canada

Whoops

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

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13390

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By scared2poop - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

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Top comments

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656708 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:29

Uh..well.. um....wow...
I'm at a loss... FYL
Some hobos are so territorial about their bathrooms.

By perdix | 29

#656759 - Friday 6 November 2009 0:06

Give the man a dollar to wipe with.

And I mean a dollar bill. Giving him three quarters, four nickels and five pennies would be cruel.

COMMENTS

By FritoLovesYou | 0

#656698 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:25

Learn some manners, man. YDI.

jakedmagic | 0

#656702 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:26

Your comment annoys me.

Alexandrianz | 0

#656946 - Friday 6 November 2009 2:30

Well.. Atleast your car has awesome new shades of brown:)

cowgod | 0

#657047 - Friday 6 November 2009 3:34

give a gift back by giving him shades of black and blue

egaonogenki | 0

#657121 - Friday 6 November 2009 4:29

To the hobos:

THAT'S WHAT McDONALD'S AND THE ABUNDANT OTHER PUBLIC STORES ARE FOR!!!

Geesh, haven't these bums EVER heard of a "PUBLIC RESTROOM?"

mushoo_fml | 0

#657370 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:46

You can walk while pooping?

newmanlyman3 | 8

#952263 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:36

that's way my cat and dog bit me ... on the rug

SMOKEWEED420420 | 0

#1272147 - Thursday 19 August 2010 21:00

FAKE OMG SO FAKE GET A LIFE FAKER

By lizzzie_fml | 0

#656706 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:27

'By' your car. Not 'on' your car. So does it matter? Nope.

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656708 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:29

Uh..well.. um....wow...
I'm at a loss... FYL
Some hobos are so territorial about their bathrooms.

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3854561 - Monday 9 January 2012 8:10

Ur cool :)

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656715 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:33

By pureamber | 0

#656718 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:35

i woulda chased him back screaming 'GET AWAY FROM MY HOME!!!!' then spit on him.

GJMO | 0

#656906 - Friday 6 November 2009 2:05

then u are a loser

By bishoprsv2 | 0

#656719 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:37

Rofl? Yes it is!

By anniemarie | 0

#656720 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:38

hahahaha wow. so funny

By flgirlwguitar | 2

#656723 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:39

This is why you have a cell phone you can call the cops with.

By z411811 | 0

#656724 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:40

I hate these "today I learned" ones

By donkey_hang_down | 2

#656725 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:40

He probably added value to that piece of shit car you have