Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by...

By Anonymous - 5/11/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

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Transportation

Proactive

Great boyfriend

Yappy neighborhood

By Anonymous - 25/10/2008 16:55

Today, my refrigerator defrosted itself. FML

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By Toasted - 29/4/2019 20:00

Shocking!

Today, in an attempt to be frugal, I tried to repair my own sometimes-faulty toaster. Turns out I unplugged the wrong kitchen appliance, which I only discovered by electrocuting myself while pulling it apart. Now it's definitely broken, will need replacing, and I have a burn. FML

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By - 17/1/2020 18:00

Everything is clean

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By anal4me - 5/4/2012 20:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got my license. Instead of congratulating me, my buddies created a betting pool for when I get into a serious accident. Thanks for the support. FML

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By shit - 26/1/2014 18:20 - United States - South Holland

Today, my sister was taking forever in the bathroom, and I jokingly threatened to kick down the door. I rammed into it, and it actually bust almost off its hinges. My sister screamed and our parents came running. Now I'm grounded forever and our bathroom has no door. FML

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By lonely - 15/9/2019 04:05 - Canada - Granby

Saturday Night Fever-ish

Today, I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch a movie. It's been two hours since everyone was supposed to turn up, and no one has showed. Thanks, friends. FML

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By goldenshower - 5/2/2010 18:22 - United States

Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

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By Hufflepuff girl - 10/10/2017 11:54

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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By Frozen Food Fan - 11/8/2015 14:29 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

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By lunchbox2353 - 30/7/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By anonymous - 22/1/2016 01:55 - United States - Bellefontaine

Today, I met up with my dad for the first time in 7 years. We planned to go to a nice restaurant but he changed the place we were going to, to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm 18 years old. I waited an hour for him to show up. I then ended up babysitting his daughter the whole time. FML

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By princesss_14 - 26/12/2013 02:07 - United States - Seguin

Today, I got a whistle key finder from my grandma for Christmas. This would have been nice if I could actually whistle. FML

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By Masey - 17/9/2009 12:46 - United States

Today, I was running late for work. As I hurried out the door, I managed to trip over my own feet, fall off the front porch, and key my new car. FML

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By soembarassed - 18/3/2016 18:26 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

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By fat_thighs - 29/4/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I read a PostSecret that said "I'm afraid my thighs will start to touch soon." My thighs have always touched. I didn't even know thighs weren't supposed to touch. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 13:49 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I came out of the closet, after years of fear and shame, thanks to my mom making me to go to a church full of fundies my whole life. In the end, I was in tears. All I got was a frown and a "So? Want a medal or something?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

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By Becky - 21/8/2009 23:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my family bet me $20 to wear a Disney Princess hat for the entire day around a theme park. I am 17 years old. We decided to go for lunch in one of the restaurants. After we finished, a woman gave my parents a leaflet on how to cope with disabled children. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

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By waxer150 - 22/3/2015 22:32 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

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By linn - 27/9/2012 20:14 - United States

Today, my mom decided the time was right to give me the sex talk. Towards the end, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. As I came back, I overheard my dad telling my mom that I'm so unpopular, the only time I'll get laid is when I'm being put in a coffin. FML

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By sausages - 17/1/2014 20:56 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 02:31 - United States - Tampa

Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML

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By Anon - 16/8/2011 06:27 - Australia

Today, I was caught and fined for picking a lock. I have OCD. I was picking the padlock on a toilet paper holder in a public toilet because the roll was the wrong way round. FML

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By Bunsostriker - 2/4/2015 18:47 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML

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By - 24/2/2020 18:00

I miss him

Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML

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By Hellau - 29/12/2009 10:56 - France

Today, I was baby-sitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two hour struggle, I finally manage to get them into bed. I then ask them what they want before going to sleep, and the eldest replies: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

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By skaterboy - 13/8/2013 15:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my mom got a cat. I'm allergic to cats, so I politely asked my mom why she got it. Her response: "I want you to finally want to move out." I turned eighteen two weeks ago. FML

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By teebs - 14/1/2020 20:00 - United States - San Leandro

Long wait

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. 40 minutes later the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

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By anonymous - 3/9/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

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By bluecollar - 26/2/2009 08:07 - United States

Today, there was a luncheon at work in another dept. We all went to get some free food and see new faces. There was a hot girl walking around chatting. I grabbed my buddy's arm and told him there was a "nice pair of tits here" He saw her. It's his daughter. She's a new-hire... running HR. FML

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By justfired - 29/9/2009 02:57 - Canada

Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML

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By ugh - 25/4/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML

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By xBubbles38 - 18/7/2011 15:17 - United States

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

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By lizi - 21/8/2017 03:30 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 06:05

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

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By PixieWrists - 13/3/2012 17:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML

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By what434 - 8/3/2010 13:19 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 01:00

Fast and Furious

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

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By Whatthehell - 21/2/2016 01:35 - United States - Soddy Daisy

Today, I completed driving school. After 30 hours of classwork, 6 hours of driving lessons, and a very tough driving test, I passed and can now get a 15% safe driver insurance discount. My friend just told me he only had to watch a 15 minute video to get the same discount. FML

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Top comments

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656708 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:29

Uh..well.. um....wow...
I'm at a loss... FYL
Some hobos are so territorial about their bathrooms.

By perdix | 29

#656759 - Friday 6 November 2009 0:06

Give the man a dollar to wipe with.

And I mean a dollar bill. Giving him three quarters, four nickels and five pennies would be cruel.

Comments

By FritoLovesYou | 0

#656698 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:25

Learn some manners, man. YDI.

jakedmagic | 0

#656702 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:26

Your comment annoys me.

Alexandrianz | 0

#656946 - Friday 6 November 2009 2:30

Well.. Atleast your car has awesome new shades of brown:)

cowgod | 0

#657047 - Friday 6 November 2009 3:34

give a gift back by giving him shades of black and blue

egaonogenki | 0

#657121 - Friday 6 November 2009 4:29

To the hobos:

THAT'S WHAT McDONALD'S AND THE ABUNDANT OTHER PUBLIC STORES ARE FOR!!!

Geesh, haven't these bums EVER heard of a "PUBLIC RESTROOM?"

mushoo_fml | 0

#657370 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:46

You can walk while pooping?

newmanlyman3 | 8

#952263 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:36

that's way my cat and dog bit me ... on the rug

SMOKEWEED420420 | 0

#1272147 - Thursday 19 August 2010 21:00

FAKE OMG SO FAKE GET A LIFE FAKER

By lizzzie_fml | 0

#656706 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:27

'By' your car. Not 'on' your car. So does it matter? Nope.

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656708 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:29

Uh..well.. um....wow...
I'm at a loss... FYL
Some hobos are so territorial about their bathrooms.

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3854561 - Monday 9 January 2012 8:10

Ur cool :)

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656715 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:33

By pureamber | 0

#656718 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:35

i woulda chased him back screaming 'GET AWAY FROM MY HOME!!!!' then spit on him.

GJMO | 0

#656906 - Friday 6 November 2009 2:05

then u are a loser

By bishoprsv2 | 0

#656719 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:37

Rofl? Yes it is!

By anniemarie | 0

#656720 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:38

hahahaha wow. so funny

By flgirlwguitar | 2

#656723 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:39

This is why you have a cell phone you can call the cops with.

By z411811 | 0

#656724 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:40

I hate these "today I learned" ones

By donkey_hang_down | 2

#656725 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:40

He probably added value to that piece of shit car you have