Transportation: Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

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Transportation

Vulture

Things can only get better

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

By Makeitdance - United States - Pleasanton

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 02:01

Medicare for all, please

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

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By Alex - Belgium

Today, I was notified that I've been going to the wrong courses for 4 weeks. A friend of mine was the only person to tell me that the administration had taken the privilege to change my courses. I have now failed 5 courses due to absences and have been suspended from college for 6 months. FML

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By legit247 - United States - Moscow Mills

The Voice

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

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By Anonymous

(facepalm)

Today, while working roadside assistance, I arrived to a bewildered client who couldn't find their spare tire. The vehicle in question was a Jeep. I pointed out the spare, but was corrected as "that's just for decoration." FML

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By Jessie - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

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1755

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I invited my very animal phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML

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By xxmollyxx - Sweden

Today, I dropped my remote behind the bed and went to reach for it. Instead of the remote, I grabbed hold of a rat carcass that must have got in when builders were working in my bathroom several weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

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By Fackwork - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

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By Disturbed son

Today, my mother sent a picture that was meant for her husband. I cannot unsee what I have seen. FML

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2975

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By furious parent

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

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1971

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By datgurllllukno - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML

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25635

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By fedexed - United States

Today, I brought my lunch to work in the only box I had lying around my apartment - a small one from FedEx. When I went to the bathroom before lunch, I returned to my desk to find that one of my coworkers had mailed my lunch back to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

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By walker - United States

Today, I went over my girlfriend of 3 months' house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 04:53

You sure it was your birthday?

Today, it was my birthday. My partner of 9 years, and father of my two children, bought me a set of headphones for him to use on the treadmill. Didn’t wrap them, didn’t say happy birthday to me, didn’t tell my kids it was my birthday and worked on the yard all day. FML

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By Seriouslynow - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but I didn't have to be at work till 11. I walked the dog, made breakfast and read for a little bit. I then woke up again at 11:30. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a friend and I drove all the way from Texas to a small town in Colorado to spend an entire uninterrupted night together. Not only did he forget to bring condoms but everything was closed by the time we got into town. We ended up playing cards on the bed instead. FML

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By nicole - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML

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By idgit42 - United States

Today, I didn't realize until I was home that I'd thrown my retainer away with my tray at Chick-fil-A. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I realised after showering that I didn't have a towel, so I thought I would risk a naked dash to my brother's room to steal one of his. He and his friend were in the room and both agreed that I needed a "trim". FML

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By SSS - United Kingdom - London

Today, my brother put a sign on my car saying, "No baby on board, feel free to drive into me." Somebody did. FML

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2012

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By nah - United States - San Antonio

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d

Today, someone tripped the fire alarm at the hotel I'm currently staying at while I was taking a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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By Karaline45

Today, I bought a new car. Twenty-five minutes into driving it home, I hit a deer. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 17:02 - Germany

The Blob

Today, I cracked an egg which turned out to have an extremely thin shell, so at first contact with the bowl, it came apart in my hand and the contents glooped right through my fingers, all the way down the kitchen cabinet, into a half-open drawer, as well as onto the floor and underneath the cabinet. FML

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By bumblebee - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Staycation time

Today, £250 of money belonging to work was stolen from my handbag. My boss says I have to pay it back because I'm the one that signed out the cash. There goes the holiday I was about to book. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

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By IndieRox - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

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By rainperson - France - Paris

Today, and as always, I recycle my trash at work: paper in the yellow trashcan, the rest in the black one. This morning, I saw a cleaning lady empty the contents of the black trashcan into the yellow one, put the whole lot into a big plastic bag and then leave as if this was normal. FML

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By hello higher premiums, fuckwad - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

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By just socially awkward

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

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By -bird-poop- - Germany

Today, I finally plucked up the courage to propose to my girlfriend of 7 months. I took her out to the park where we had our first kiss, I got down on one knee, and before I could say "Will you marry me" a bird shat on my head. FML

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48836

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By OhPleaseNo - OhPleaseNo

We could be heroes

Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML

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1623

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By MetalAtlas - United States

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 17:02

Mind your own beeswax

Today, I saw an employee showing off a picture on his phone. I couldn't quite see what it was and tried to inject myself in to the conversation. "Whatcha got there, a cow?" It wasn't. It was a photo of his wife, posing in her wedding dress for the first time since their wedding day several years and children ago. FML

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Top comments

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656708 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:29

Uh..well.. um....wow...
I'm at a loss... FYL
Some hobos are so territorial about their bathrooms.

By perdix | 29

#656759 - Friday 6 November 2009 0:06

Give the man a dollar to wipe with.

And I mean a dollar bill. Giving him three quarters, four nickels and five pennies would be cruel.

COMMENTS

By FritoLovesYou | 0

#656698 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:25

Learn some manners, man. YDI.

jakedmagic | 0

#656702 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:26

Your comment annoys me.

Alexandrianz | 0

#656946 - Friday 6 November 2009 2:30

Well.. Atleast your car has awesome new shades of brown:)

cowgod | 0

#657047 - Friday 6 November 2009 3:34

give a gift back by giving him shades of black and blue

egaonogenki | 0

#657121 - Friday 6 November 2009 4:29

To the hobos:

THAT'S WHAT McDONALD'S AND THE ABUNDANT OTHER PUBLIC STORES ARE FOR!!!

Geesh, haven't these bums EVER heard of a "PUBLIC RESTROOM?"

mushoo_fml | 0

#657370 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:46

You can walk while pooping?

newmanlyman3 | 8

#952263 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:36

that's way my cat and dog bit me ... on the rug

SMOKEWEED420420 | 0

#1272147 - Thursday 19 August 2010 21:00

FAKE OMG SO FAKE GET A LIFE FAKER

By lizzzie_fml | 0

#656706 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:27

'By' your car. Not 'on' your car. So does it matter? Nope.

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656708 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:29

Uh..well.. um....wow...
I'm at a loss... FYL
Some hobos are so territorial about their bathrooms.

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3854561 - Monday 9 January 2012 8:10

Ur cool :)

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656715 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:33

By pureamber | 0

#656718 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:35

i woulda chased him back screaming 'GET AWAY FROM MY HOME!!!!' then spit on him.

GJMO | 0

#656906 - Friday 6 November 2009 2:05

then u are a loser

By bishoprsv2 | 0

#656719 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:37

Rofl? Yes it is!

By anniemarie | 0

#656720 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:38

hahahaha wow. so funny

By flgirlwguitar | 2

#656723 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:39

This is why you have a cell phone you can call the cops with.

By z411811 | 0

#656724 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:40

I hate these "today I learned" ones

By donkey_hang_down | 2

#656725 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:40

He probably added value to that piece of shit car you have