Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by...

By Anonymous - 5/11/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

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Transportation

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Incognito browsing

Vicious and unprovoked

By my first job - 6/4/2016 20:02 - Canada - Westerose

Today, after working for 12 hours in the cold rain on muddy terrain, my coordinator drove down a hill and didn't come back. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to walk two hours uphill back to HQ to find him there. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, on the subway, a little tipsy, I sat down next to a guy I thought was cute, hoping to enjoy some harmless flirting. I said, "Hello." He said, "May I ask you a question?" I said, "Sure." He said, "Can you please move away from me?" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 12:00

Today, while I was sitting in the living room with my mother, my phone rang. She immediately exclaimed, "I'm not calling you! Why is it going off?" She was serious. My own mother doesn't believe people talk to me. FML

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By CWoah - 14/9/2009 15:17 - Canada

Today, it was my court date for a car accident I was involved in back in July. I had spent months preparing a case to prove my innocence. I was scheduled to appear at 10:00 this morning. I woke up at 10:15AM. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 22:22 - United States

Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML

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By dentallycorrect - 19/8/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, while casually sitting at a bar, a drunk biker with no teeth leaned over and tried to kiss me. I'm a sailor in the Navy, but I think I screamed like a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

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By paula123 - 18/12/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my ex-husband just had a baby with his new partner. We only split up a week ago. FML

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By oopsydaddy - 14/8/2018 06:00

Today, my dad asked my help with a computer problem. Whenever he logged on Facebook, every single advertisement appeared to be hardcore porn. I had to awkwardly explain that these ads are based on his browsing habits. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2014 19:33 - United States - Fresno

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

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By Roses are Red - 7/3/2013 06:07 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I sent a dozen roses and a hand-written, heart-felt note to my ex-girlfriend to show her that I'm still madly in love with her. When I asked if she got the flowers I sent, she replied, "Yeah but you got the wrong color. You should've gotten yellow, that stands for friendship." FML

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By blahhlovely_30 - 9/3/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

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By gabormelchior - 23/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, I got dressed in what I thought was a really adorable outfit. I had a cute pink skirt on, a white tank top and silver strappy sandal heels. On my way to the mall a car pulls over and this guy asks me how much for three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 22:30 - United States - Auburn

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

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By thoughtcrimeno1 - 6/7/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I helped an elderly lady unscrew the cooling tank's cap from her smoking car. My reward? A scalding shower of toxic, pungent antifreeze that erupted moments after removing said cap. She didn't even thank me. FML

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By blah - 15/2/2009 23:57 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it 10 minutes after he'd gone; I waited for 5. In the card was written, "It's not working out, but here's $20." FML

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By munchkin - 26/10/2009 06:35 - France

Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked. FML

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By oops - 5/4/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, I was in my basement when I saw a giant cricket on the floor. I found an old plastic bottle of orange paint to drop on it and did so from about five feet up. The bottle exploded and splattered the walls and floor like a crime scene. The cricket hopped away untouched. FML

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By Sapphirlinda - 3/7/2010 23:25 - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

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By misc - 8/6/2011 17:52 - Netherlands

Today, while in Holland, I lost the bag with my passport, debit and credit cards, license, and camera. I froze my accounts and filled out the paperwork for a new passport. My bag was found the second time I went to the police, with everything in it. Now my accounts are frozen for the 3 weeks I'm here. FML

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By MoncaBang - 29/1/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

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By Can I press charges? - 15/1/2015 17:23 - Australia - Hamilton

Today, my nutjob girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my best friend, just because she's a woman. Before she left, my now-ex decided to punish me by destroying the dissertation I've spent months working on, along with both backups of it. FML

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By :,< - 17/9/2012 17:16 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By moodyreallyrocks - 1/11/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, my friend took me and a bunch of other guys out to a nice dinner. This was his way to say thank you for helping him move to a new apartment. He got the cheque, excused himself to go to the restroom and never came back to pay. FML

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By Mayshod - 3/5/2011 12:04

Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

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By smartgirl - 1/5/2009 23:48 - Canada

Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML

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By usadisvet - 2/4/2015 06:43 - United States - Loudon

Today, at the DMV I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, setting my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML

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By worst day of my life - 6/7/2019 20:04

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

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By kp - 31/8/2010 12:46 - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML

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By beautyschool22 - 11/6/2012 23:39 - United States

Today, I talked to my father for the first time in several years. I proudly told him that I have been attending Beauty School. He looked me up and down and said, "Doesn't look like you've learned much." FML

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By DaveAlmighty - 24/4/2012 23:59 - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

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By Silverfeathery - 14/11/2016 11:19 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

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By tanya - 25/10/2010 12:32 - Canada

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

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By anonymous - 23/4/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, my grandma and I were watching the Ranger's playoff game. As Henrik Lundqvist received a standing ovation from the crowd after blocking 38 shots, she says to me, "Check out his equipment!" My 80-year old grandma just commented on Henrik Lundqvist's package. FML

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By hamboneghost - 24/2/2015 19:02 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I greeted my girlfriend with a spinning hug. She got motion sickness and threw up all over me. FML

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By Alaska fire - 19/11/2016 22:14 - United States - Eagle River

Today, I was the only sober person at a bonfire. After being hit in the eye with a snowball, taking people's keys away because they were too wasted to drive, making sure no one died and stabbing the bottom of my foot with a nail, I got to sleep in the snow. Without any blankets. FML

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By Mary - 10/7/2011 12:49 - United States

Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML

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By MTJY - 12/9/2011 04:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my ex. After pouring my heart out to her, saying we were meant for each other, she looked at me and said, "Don't bother, I've already slept with your brother." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2013 17:42 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my son asked me if slavery was ever abolished. He's 19. FML

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Top comments

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656708 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:29

Uh..well.. um....wow...
I'm at a loss... FYL
Some hobos are so territorial about their bathrooms.

By perdix | 29

#656759 - Friday 6 November 2009 0:06

Give the man a dollar to wipe with.

And I mean a dollar bill. Giving him three quarters, four nickels and five pennies would be cruel.

COMMENTS

By FritoLovesYou | 0

#656698 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:25

Learn some manners, man. YDI.

jakedmagic | 0

#656702 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:26

Your comment annoys me.

Alexandrianz | 0

#656946 - Friday 6 November 2009 2:30

Well.. Atleast your car has awesome new shades of brown:)

cowgod | 0

#657047 - Friday 6 November 2009 3:34

give a gift back by giving him shades of black and blue

egaonogenki | 0

#657121 - Friday 6 November 2009 4:29

To the hobos:

THAT'S WHAT McDONALD'S AND THE ABUNDANT OTHER PUBLIC STORES ARE FOR!!!

Geesh, haven't these bums EVER heard of a "PUBLIC RESTROOM?"

mushoo_fml | 0

#657370 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:46

You can walk while pooping?

newmanlyman3 | 8

#952263 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:36

that's way my cat and dog bit me ... on the rug

SMOKEWEED420420 | 0

#1272147 - Thursday 19 August 2010 21:00

FAKE OMG SO FAKE GET A LIFE FAKER

By lizzzie_fml | 0

#656706 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:27

'By' your car. Not 'on' your car. So does it matter? Nope.

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656708 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:29

Uh..well.. um....wow...
I'm at a loss... FYL
Some hobos are so territorial about their bathrooms.

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3854561 - Monday 9 January 2012 8:10

Ur cool :)

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#656715 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:33

By pureamber | 0

#656718 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:35

i woulda chased him back screaming 'GET AWAY FROM MY HOME!!!!' then spit on him.

GJMO | 0

#656906 - Friday 6 November 2009 2:05

then u are a loser

By bishoprsv2 | 0

#656719 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:37

Rofl? Yes it is!

By anniemarie | 0

#656720 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:38

hahahaha wow. so funny

By flgirlwguitar | 2

#656723 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:39

This is why you have a cell phone you can call the cops with.

By z411811 | 0

#656724 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:40

I hate these "today I learned" ones

By donkey_hang_down | 2

#656725 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:40

He probably added value to that piece of shit car you have