Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what...

By notgoodenough - 25/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

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Intimacy

Gratitude walks

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Great speech, thanks!

By Late marriage - 24/8/2017 14:00 - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By Mouse - 17/10/2012 23:15

Today, my college class was talking about Felix Baumgartner, who jumped from the edge of space down to earth. A boy suddenly put his head up and said in a serious tone, "I thought he jumped from the moon?" Several girls concurred. This is my generation. FML

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By CatLover - 6/11/2014 18:30 - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By jaimpastaggle - 6/10/2016 14:24 - France

Today, after spending over two hours cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom, my 5-year-old then runs in, yells, “Snowstorm!” and throws a bag of flour all over the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2016 15:04 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I found out that my best friend is being sacked. He's also about to rent a new apartment which he won't be able to afford when he loses his job. I can't warn him or I'll breach confidentiality and lose my job as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 23:00

Think it through

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend by knocking on her door and kneeling in front of it. I forgot that her door opens outwards. FML

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By teflon_hammer - 25/5/2016 23:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

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By LOLOLOLOL - 20/8/2012 08:55 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I watched as some idiot made a bad U-turn and I laughed. I then turned into another car. FML

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By rissa5214 - 26/7/2015 18:20 - United States - Stoughton

Today, I told my boyfriend of three years that I wanted to get married and have a child within the next five years. He responded by packing up my things and showing me the door. FML

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By Karansuni - 14/10/2013 10:38 - Germany

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

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By unfriendlyskies - 2/4/2012 23:40 - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2009 04:02 - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

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By i have failed so very badly - 7/4/2017 18:51 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I found out our eight-year-old son lied about his former babysitter beating him. The babysitter's already thrashed us on social media for believing our son, and now no one in town is willing to babysit for us. Looks like date night is cancelled. FML

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By theunluckylifeofme - 26/6/2013 20:33 - United States - Gilroy

Today, while I was working the drive-thru, a couple came through. As I was handing back their change they began giggling. I looked down to see the man's sex-nose fully erect. FML

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By UnluckyReporter - 17/2/2016 06:35 - United States - Lexington

Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML

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By BigBlue - 19/3/2014 23:19 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML

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By charlotte273 - 30/6/2010 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 22:00

And next on The Voice…

Today, I found out I have a bad singing voice. How? The choir judge decided to yell "STOP! Please just stop!" During my solo. In front of everyone. During the show. FML

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By skmusic - 9/4/2009 05:04 - Canada

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

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By Adil Ilahi - 5/6/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - Keighley

Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML

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By Noname - 22/1/2009 23:27 - Canada

Today, I danced with a girl until the bar closed. We went back to my place. She had a penis. FML

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By Pisspants - 17/9/2016 04:39 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2012 19:10 - United States - Clinton

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

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By angelsaredicks - 11/9/2015 13:55 - United States - Morgantown

Today, I gave blood for the first time, since I'm a universal donor. After it was done, I passed out, woke up, puked, and passed out again. The kind nurses told me I was the worst case they had seen all week. So much for doing something to help others. FML

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By Unlucky - 9/10/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, as I got up from the couch, my computer, which was next to me, fell on to my pinky toe. It fell just so that the edge of it cut my toe open. I cursed, and hobbled toward the bathroom to get a bandage. As I'm going into the bathroom, I stub said toe on the door jamb. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2013 10:52 - United States

Today, one of the kids in my neighborhood told me he would mow my lawn for 10 bucks. After a few minutes, I heard the mower stop. He had mowed a penis into my front yard then run away. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 21:08 - United Kingdom

Today, my younger cousin bought his girlfriend of 3 months a bunch of flowers. The only flower I've ever got from my boyfriend of 3 years is a plastic one he found on the floor in a bar. FML

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By wantmeasandwich - 10/7/2015 16:57 - India - Mumbai

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

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By ren - 13/1/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip, get sent home because it was slow, have the city busses stop running because of weather, and have to pay a $20 cab fare to get home. FML

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By too slow - 18/1/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

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By 4lphab3t4 - 21/11/2016 15:22

Today, my neighbour almost ran over my little sister, and blamed it on his disability. What disability? He has no sense of smell. FML

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By firelava - 25/4/2014 22:59 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I waited two hours in line at college to select my classes. I finally got to the desk, only to be told I have to apply online before I can show up in person. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2017 12:00

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

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By Will this stupid fad ever end? - 6/3/2013 11:51 - United States

Today, instead of actually teaching us something, our college professor excitedly showed us the godawful Harlem Shake video he made with his friends. FML

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By ohshootgirl - 4/10/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, I was coming out of my work and a group of guys yelled, "Oh shoot girl!" and I blew them a kiss jokingly, then as I walked down the street, cars were honking at me, guys whistling. When I got home I noticed the foot long rip down my pencil skirt. FML

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By daisythebunny1988 - 21/3/2020 00:01

Cool

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

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By Bunsofpain - 16/6/2016 18:56 - United States

Today I got sunburned on my cheeks. This wouldn't be too bad if they were the ones on my face. FML

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By RIPJarJar - 20/10/2017 22:18

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

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By butchapparently - 10/8/2015 15:35

Today, I got a text from the guy I've been in love with for 3 years, saying: "So um, I've been wondering. Did you used to be a man?" FML

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By Overflow - 16/8/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was desperate to teach my 2-year old to use her potty. I had to pee, and thought maybe she would learn by watching me use it. Everything was going well, until I realized that I had a long pee. So long that it overfilled her potty all over. FML

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Top comments

By unixdude | 9

#3639171 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:43

...and you are thankful for whores on Craigslist because you girlfriend is too much of a prude.

By kimee21_fml | 15

#3639166 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:41

But it is funny!

COMMENTS

By kimee21_fml | 15

#3639166 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:41

But it is funny!

xosportsgirl14x | 8

#3639370 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:10

Seriously. And be happy that your girlfriend and family get along well enough to talk like that.

MrLookAtThere | 10

#3639465 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:24

Tell them the joke: "what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've just told her twice." and then stare at her menacingly

TruthBeTold36 | 3

#3639490 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:29

You could go the abuse route. Or maybe just invite her to bring the dildo along next time the mood strikes. Everyone wins!

speshlk37 | 13

#3639588 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:47

That's when you say you're thankful for you're other girlfriend who goes down on you without asking.

yetanotherginger | 19

#3639620 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:50

Who needs to ask for it?

G0v3nat0r | 7

#3639629 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:52

^^ agreed

n_epic_fail | 14

#3639637 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:54

And now you know what to get her for Christmas...

blackheart24 | 10

#3639913 - Saturday 26 November 2011 0:47

Tell her you're thankful for Palm-a-the Handerson ;)

zack11742 | 7

#3640254 - Saturday 26 November 2011 2:06

Wow bitch I'd say go the dump her loser butt route

MyMilkShake2Yard | 0

#3640299 - Saturday 26 November 2011 2:17

U should have just said "well I'm thankful for my left hand, it's always useful and handy (pun intended)"

Jirekianu2 | 19

#3640670 - Saturday 26 November 2011 3:57

So publicly embarassing someone about in front of theur family is hilarious now? He should make a cheese on the taco joke if she gets an infection. Then I guarantee it won't be funny.

always_smile_fml | 3

#3640840 - Saturday 26 November 2011 4:38

It's not her fault he can't please her. It's his.

jorrrk | 0

#3640905 - Saturday 26 November 2011 5:01

Agreed

My_Sweet_Shadow | 4

#3641387 - Saturday 26 November 2011 6:22

That does make for an awkward situation but at least you can take the initiative and find out how to properly please her.

Naitsi | 19

#3642923 - Saturday 26 November 2011 17:57

so true

By unixdude | 9

#3639171 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:43

...and you are thankful for whores on Craigslist because you girlfriend is too much of a prude.

cupcakeluver1212 | 0

#3639254 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:52

Good one! ;)

upyourzlolz | 11

#3639279 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:55

Or even simpler: your left hand.

FarSide | 22

#3639327 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:04

Maybe OP is just a lousy fucker. It IS possible you know,

betticonfetti | 7

#3639959 - Saturday 26 November 2011 0:53

Actually, the fact that OP's girlfriend told his entire family about her vibrator and lack-luster sex life indicates that she isn't a prude...

justcallmemini | 15

#3640163 - Saturday 26 November 2011 1:43

:) haha exactly!

thegreat8 | 1

#3640920 - Saturday 26 November 2011 5:09

I though I saw her there once

By nickdunbar | 8

#3639177 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:43

That is pretty funny

The_Great_Zucchi | 14

#3640117 - Saturday 26 November 2011 1:33

Exactly. Grow a sense of humour OP...

Blackmail111 | 9

#3640347 - Saturday 26 November 2011 2:26

Or a bigger penis

Xx_Dakota_xX | 1

#3640983 - Saturday 26 November 2011 5:34

OP I would have gotten up and walked away

By Capt_Oblivious | 10

#3639193 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:45

Hey, don't knock what she is thankful for.
Maybe you'll make the list next year, start working harder at it.

bossroyd | 4

#3640208 - Saturday 26 November 2011 1:55

Literally

SirObvious | 1

#3640369 - Saturday 26 November 2011 2:31

Metaphorically

Capt_Oblivious | 10

#3640438 - Saturday 26 November 2011 2:43

Figuratively.
May as well cover all the bases there.

By duhWINNING2_fml | 9

#3639197 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:45

Tell her you're thankful for your inflatable woman. Ownd.

Sweet121 | 0

#3643739 - Saturday 26 November 2011 20:35

Be sure to add that at least the blow up girl can shut the fuck up and take it like a real woman.

By ariannaa_fml | 17

#3639200 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:45

That's terrible, but funny!

djth3t4ank | 4

#3656002 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:33

That's pretty much the idea behind every post on the website.

By wistfulorangeade | 12

#3639210 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:47

Well, you can't move like that!
Get a titanium piercing that vibrates. She'll get a kick out of that.
Or just break up with her. She'll stil have her real boyfriend.

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#3642356 - Saturday 26 November 2011 12:45

A Pegasister. Nice...

By uprising_fml | 0

#3639215 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:47

start incorporating that vibrator into ya'lls sex life then . it's pretty common for couple to do so .

skinflint | 6

#3639622 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:51

this is true. she'll be much more willing do anal if you let her tickle her clit with the vibrator at the same time.

By juliajealousyy | 1

#3639222 - Friday 25 November 2011 22:49

Ouch! Sorry OP. but that is pretty funny (:

redsoxmatt8342 | 1

#3639463 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:24

I like your boobs.

clw1740 | 0

#3639476 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:27

41, you are fucked up.

andzander | 1

#3639599 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:48

For liking boobs?

skinflint | 6

#3639648 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:56

if he's no more than 16, then it ok.

G0v3nat0r | 7

#3639657 - Friday 25 November 2011 23:57

Yeah, what is wrong with liking boobs?

jsh95 | 0

#3641367 - Saturday 26 November 2011 6:20

It sure is funny, and he should learn how to work his wand, you have to learn before waving it around, she should at least tell him what he can do better