Love and Intimacy: Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 691

You deserved it 111

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 42

22/09/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 435

You deserved it 7 508

Walk the line

Something is about to bust

Jesus saves!

13/01/2013 15:49

Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 333

You deserved it 5 246

08/03/2010 15:12

Today, my mother-in-law grounded me because I went to the store in the "dangerous" rain. My husband says that if I don't obey then we won't work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 550

You deserved it 4 961

20/09/2016 05:14

Today, I had the most Chicago experience ever. While I was eating my delicious, deep dish pizza, someone was ripping the rims off my car 15 feet away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 595

You deserved it 1 015

19/05/2009 21:51

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 595

You deserved it 74 656

Next

By Anonymous - 09/01/2021 17:04

Today, I found out the first person I was able to open up to in nearly ten years is already in a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 110

05/06/2015 19:11

Spicy

Today, I found out that what I thought was my brother gasping and groaning in his dreams most nights is actually him jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 295

You deserved it 4 164

06/05/2011 14:07

Spicy

Today, I walked out of my house, waved at my neighbors, walked through my front yard and into the side yard to turn off the sprinkler. It wasn't until I was back into the house that I remembered I wasn't wearing a top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 149

You deserved it 52 727

Randy Mandy

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 23:01

Today, I was eating lunch with my grandmother when a very muscular young man entered the restaurant. As soon as he walked in, my 70-year-old widowed grandmother looked at him and said, out loud, "Ooh, eye candy!" Everyone in the restaurant began staring at us, and the poor guy's face was red as a tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 95

07/02/2013 15:24

Today, I was at an estate sale of my neighbor who recently passed. I recognized many items for sale that I had ordered or won on eBay from the past 8 years. Turns out the little old lady had been stealing my mail for close to a decade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 378

You deserved it 3 869

07/06/2009 02:14

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 625

You deserved it 10 550

08/11/2012 18:25

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 573

You deserved it 31 228

15/08/2010 13:12

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 877

You deserved it 5 331

24/10/2009 13:14

Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 808

You deserved it 6 789

Denial

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 20:00

Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Why? Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times. One hour down, 8 more to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 663

You deserved it 295

09/01/2012 05:01

Spicy

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 578

You deserved it 7 818

18/09/2013 22:59

Today, every time I write the word "analyst," I can't help but giggle because it begins with "anal." I'm 24, and studying to be a conflict analyst. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 483

You deserved it 34 041

02/03/2011 05:22

Today, I had to explain to my one person on my staff why having kids aged 6 to 9 hammering in screws with the butt end of a screwdriver is neither safe, nor a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 373

You deserved it 3 014

19/06/2014 01:14

Today, I became the town racist for saying "black" instead of "African-American". I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 666

You deserved it 5 544

Kids are assholes

By ohnomommy - 03/03/2020 06:01

Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 185

Weak

By Heavybreather - 13/02/2017 12:00

Today, after climbing 5 flights of stairs I walked into the restroom to take a piss. I was winded but trying to keep my heavy breathing to a minimum. My plan failed when I almost fainted inbetween two guys at the urinal and started gasping for air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 820

You deserved it 1 101

Heavy

By Anonymous - 21/09/2019 04:04

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 85

03/06/2015 17:36

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 749

You deserved it 5 786

Here, have a Turner Prize

By RunningMurphy - 15/05/2009 07:20

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 543

You deserved it 2 739

25/03/2016 22:19

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time, the one day my period came early. He thought it was a sign from God and thinks we're going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 652

You deserved it 3 181

16/04/2018 15:00

Today, at my job as a 2nd grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 118

You deserved it 820

05/06/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 162

You deserved it 320

21/06/2009 06:43

Today, I was thinking about how people say if you're gradually introduced to a smell or you're forced to deal with enough, you'll stop noticing it. And how untrue that is. Especially when your roommates sneak a dead rabbit under your bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 338

You deserved it 2 864

Scammed

By FMLdude - 18/08/2013 23:23

Today, I accidentally hit an elderly man while driving. The police came, and five minutes later I was told that he confessed to walking in the middle of the road to get hit and claim compensation. He was fine, but I still got charged for hitting a pedestrian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 191

You deserved it 4 960

05/04/2009 19:15

Today, I went to a club with a couple of my friends. I met a really cute guy and we were getting along pretty well. We eventually exchanged numbers. Later on I decided to call him and set up a date. The number he gave me was the Rejection Hotline number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 953

You deserved it 9 157

26/05/2009 08:23

Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, 'I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 600

You deserved it 7 820

09/01/2010 16:11

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 605

You deserved it 3 423

Work sucks, I know

By Anonymous - 25/08/2020 04:02

Today, I returned to work after a week off due to severe food poisoning, after which I ended up in the ED. I was given a warning for causing an inconvenience to everyone, and next time I'm going to be sick, I should give 3 days notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 601

You deserved it 92

10/02/2011 22:37

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 150

You deserved it 64 499

Class act

By Anonymous - 23/03/2020 17:23

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 256

09/09/2013 12:46

Today, the guy I love asked me if hooking up counted as dating, because he thinks I'm "super hot," but he doesn't want "all the relationship shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 344

You deserved it 5 288

10/06/2013 01:52

Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 621

You deserved it 7 877

30/06/2015 15:33

Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 501

You deserved it 6 073

13/05/2013 23:51

Today, while doing a fun genetics game in Biology, I found out that I was adopted. Turns out the game wasn't so fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 310

You deserved it 3 460

12/05/2011 02:20

Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 808

You deserved it 13 513

18/08/2013 04:35

Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 319

You deserved it 6 583

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Top comments

interesting33 36

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Tuesday 11 September 2018 9:39

'confronted her' sounds like the argument was gonna happen. Why confront and not just ask her or talk to her? she should be able to have a vibrator and not hide it. but she also needs to communicate if she isn't happy in bed.

real life problems 26

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Saturday 22 September 2018 3:46

Theres nothing wrong with your girlfriend using toys. You however sound insecure in your ability to satisfy her, which isnt helping anyone.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Tuesday 11 September 2018 5:07

Ouch...

interesting33 36

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Tuesday 11 September 2018 9:39

'confronted her' sounds like the argument was gonna happen. Why confront and not just ask her or talk to her? she should be able to have a vibrator and not hide it. but she also needs to communicate if she isn't happy in bed.

blue_ecureuil 20

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Saturday 22 September 2018 3:39

The way he expressed himself makes it look like she should have asked permission for buying one, way too possessive

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Saturday 22 September 2018 3:19

why do guys gets so pissy bout this? not our fault very few women can 'reach' the same way a guy can :P

real life problems 26

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Saturday 22 September 2018 3:45

Not all guys get upset about it, I've bought my previous gf's toys

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Saturday 22 September 2018 4:53

didnt say all guys :P, but that is good that you did

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Sunday 23 September 2018 10:37

Some men just don't know how to push the right buttons XD

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Tuesday 25 September 2018 7:16

Ain’t that the truth

real life problems 26

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Saturday 22 September 2018 3:46

Theres nothing wrong with your girlfriend using toys. You however sound insecure in your ability to satisfy her, which isnt helping anyone.

Kameron Kriese 11

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Sunday 23 September 2018 2:22

It sounds more like she was using it as a replacement behind his back, instead of talking to him and seeing what they could do about how things could improve. her last comment doesn't really seem to give off the vibe that he has any reason to NOT be insecure.

Rabite 28

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Sunday 23 September 2018 3:04

How do you know that she didn't tell him and he just doesn't give a shit? He could have just asked her about it, too, if he noticed that she wasn't happy in bed. And yes, you notice when you are not just focussed on your own pleasure.

badrussian79 10

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Saturday 22 September 2018 3:47

Um why the fuck should she “secretly” purchase it and what the fuck do you have to confront her about? Unless she’s forbidden you the joy of porn hub and a quick wank. Then you you’ve got a valid point being pissed. Not about her BOB but about her hypocrisy. If you get jealous of her having an intimate personal moment that’s your problem not her’s. Getting pissed about the BOB doing a faster job is like being pissed that a vette smoked an Amish buggy. Some times you want to take is slow and enjoy, some time you wanna get it done and move on.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 22 September 2018 3:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Saturday 22 September 2018 18:39

Where does it say she's a leech huh? or that she rarely puts out? Wow you really hate women. Well, not real ones but the straw (wo)men you imagine. That must make it very hard to function in a world half full of the things eh?

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Thursday 7 February 2019 16:01

hun, just because you come home everyday to your state of the art silicone sex doll you ordered from amazon and fuck it doesn't mean thats *real* how women are. Disappointing huh

RinoaHeartilly 36

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Saturday 22 September 2018 3:59

She's a goddamn adult who can use a vibrator if she wants. Fuck your ego.

WHSKitty4ever 23

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Saturday 22 September 2018 4:05

Possessive much, OP? Does she have to ask your permission to use the toilet, too?

ForSeriousReally 17

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Saturday 22 September 2018 4:09

Ya, FYL for having a girlfriend who enjoys sex. I mean, what guy wants that, amirite?

Rabite 28

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Sunday 23 September 2018 3:05

Well she doesn't enjoy sex with someone who apparently doesn't care about making it good for her.

Sheepiebeepie 26

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Saturday 22 September 2018 4:13

What the hell? She can do whatever the hell she wants with her body. Men who get jealous of vibrators are possessive and insecure, and I’ve heard the argument “it’ll stretch out her vagina” bullshit, that’s not how they work. Does your foreskin keep getting longer and longer from all the boners? No.