Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I... - FML

By DutchOven - 4/7/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Gas giant

Not a cheating!

By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 13:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had to politely nod and say "Ah okay..." as my grandpa told me that he's not racist; he just doesn't think it's right for black men to associate with white women. He's well aware that my boyfriend is black. FML

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By CandlesSuck - 2/11/2009 03:44 - Canada

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Michael - 20/9/2017 16:00

Taking the Micheal

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years confessed to cheating on me during my recent business trip. Moreover, she doesn't want to cut off contact with the other guy, because she's afraid of hurting HIS feelings. FML

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By loveyadad - 16/6/2013 15:46 - United States - Watertown

Today, my dad came home from a trip to Arizona and brought back special hand-picked gifts for the whole family. When he got to me, he smiled, and pulled out a free lotion from the hotel at which he was staying. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his best friend to text my sister telling her to tell me that he was breaking up with me. FML

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By Guess - 21/11/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of nine months that depression runs in my family and I think the reason I've been flipping shit so much lately may be that I am depressed. Not five minutes later he decided a break would be "the best thing for us right now." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I read that using vegetable oil would give your legs a smooth feel, especially if you haven't shaved for weeks. So I tried it out. My legs felt slimy, the oil clogged up the blades, and I was reduced to shaving my legs with a naked razor head and soapy water. Endlessly smooth indeed. FML

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By MyMomIsInsane - 10/3/2015 00:28 - United States - Uniontown

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

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By Anonymos_fmler - 21/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

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By why mom - 2/8/2016 23:52

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By Millian2 - 8/4/2012 02:10 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I learned that when you take off your sweatshirt, it can get stuck in your braces. I was in public. FML

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By DoYourWorst - 10/3/2017 06:00 - Canada

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

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By ToiletTroubles - 3/7/2013 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 13:18 - United States - Allendale

Today, just so my family would think someone might actually be interested in me, I bought myself roses and attached a secret admirer card to them. My plan would have worked if I hadn't forgotten to take the receipt off the kitchen counter. FML

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By Sucks2beme - 9/11/2017 15:00

Today, a cute guy who works in my building said, “Wow! You look hot.” I blushed and replied, “Oh thanks!” He then said, “Oh, no. I meant you look sweaty. Is it hot outside?” FML

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By heart of cold - 11/1/2016 09:12 - United States

Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML

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By Carmen VanDiest - 24/4/2020 02:00

Legit logic

Today, I asked my husband why his socks are always inside-out in the laundry basket. He replied, "So the insides get clean." FML

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By scorpionsurviver - 8/7/2012 09:47 - United States

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I looked up. There was a huge scorpion dangling on the air vent above my head. I was trapped in the bathroom for over an hour trying to build the courage to run out. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2013 20:42 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

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By Chiiii - 15/11/2017 01:30

Today, I got home from working abroad for 8 months and opened my post. I'm being taken to court over 3 parking tickets my mum didn't tell me she'd gotten using my car. If we lose, my credit score is affected for 6 years. FML

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By lovingsnow - 27/2/2010 07:37 - Singapore

Today, I got back home and my hamster was dead. I left notes two weeks ago everywhere to remind my parents to feed it while I was overseas. Apparently, my parents even didn't realize I was gone. FML

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By LuckyLoser9 - 3/11/2011 15:44 - United States

Today, I found out that absentmindedly correcting my boss' use of the word "whom" could result in my immediate termination. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 04:48 - Australia

Today, my grandpa died. I decided to call my grandma to make sure she was going to be fine. After talking over the phone for 30 minutes or so, I told her goodbye and said, out of habit: "Say hi to grandpa for me". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2009 18:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was with her. No, let me correct myself. Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was in her. FML

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By dad, please - 16/5/2016 05:37 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML

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By no sir I have not - 8/3/2013 00:35 - United States

Today, I was taking a patient's blood pressure, and listening for his pulse with my stethoscope. I couldn't hear anything, so I adjusted the cuff and tried again. Still no pulse. He pointed out that my stethoscope was the wrong way around and sneered, "You been smokin' the reefer, boy?" FML

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By crap - 7/3/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job for breaking my company's tattoo policy. I have a small scar on my wrist that roughly resembles a heart. My boss insists that it's one of those white ink tattoos. No one will believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2013 04:07 - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

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By Oriianna Raiinbow - 23/10/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 02:00

Today, I figured out my boyfriend gets out of jail in less than six months. First off, I have a boyfriend in jail. Second, I also realized I'd much prefer he stay in than get out. FML

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By What does this button do? - 17/2/2017 10:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my new apprentice took, "What does this button do?" to a new level when he pushed an emergency, "Stop all" button, causing my firm to miss multiple deadlines, causing massive losses In profits. FML

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By NeedHeadPhone - 30/11/2009 16:51 - Canada

I love that for you

Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML

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By CallaC - 15/3/2012 02:01 - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2011 14:31 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML

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By Daddy - 10/11/2008 12:06 - France

Today, I gave my son a row for losing a very important paper that I need for my work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML

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By Cheated - 3/8/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Santa Monica

She used me

Today, I discovered my friend will be upstaging my birthday by hosting another birthday party shortly afterwards. Not for her of course, but in honor of her favorite actor. FML

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By Flaps - 27/11/2010 12:36 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for being on Facebook at work. He did it via a wall post on Facebook saying, "ur fired." Six of my friends liked this. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2015 20:53 - United States

Today, my brother got his very first paycheck and blew it all on weed and a godawful tattoo, whereas I have been saving steadily for three years. Yet according to mum and dad, I'm the one who is irresponsible with money, because if I was being responsible I'd have enough for my own house by now. FML

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Top comments

By Kizatt | 0

#368832 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:41

That is like one of the funniest FMLs I've ever read

By dandymidori | 0

#368825 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:39

This is hilariously disturbing!
Did everyone realize that you did that?

COMMENTS

By grp1216 | 0

#368813 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By dandymidori | 0

#368825 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:39

This is hilariously disturbing!
Did everyone realize that you did that?

Reply

SerbianGirl_fml | 0

#456797 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 19:33

Hilariously disturbing. Perfect description. I want to know the answer to that question too, by the way. ?

By Metronomy_fml | 0

#368828 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:40

Just hope that all video recorders and cameras were away by this point, otherwise that's a pretty bad memory to have captured. FYL

Reply

Yuppie | 5

#635594 - Saturday 24 October 2009 4:11

Haha. Good point! I hope so too for their sake.

By Kizatt | 0

#368832 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:41

That is like one of the funniest FMLs I've ever read

Reply

daydreamer84 | 0

#369413 - Sunday 5 July 2009 6:14

ya I agree that is fing hilarious, but poor you!! I'm am so sorry!

By thebigslim | 13

#368833 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:42

That is freaking hilarious! XD Poor guy, guess that means extra sex for the honeymoon.... and years to come!

Reply

jenkins56 | 5

#368843 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:45

But will he be up for it after this? XD
Maybe he'll make you both sleep with no bed covers. Just in case you try to trap him underneath.
TRAUMATISED

Reply

Mc09toofine | 0

#377702 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 4:58

haha #11 you're hillarious!! and OP i hope that if someone did get this on tape that you send it to AFV haha you never know what might happen

Reply

2gether4ever | 0

#968972 - Saturday 27 March 2010 5:09

what does " OP" mean?

Reply

daremetoo | 0

#984996 - Monday 26 April 2010 5:07

original poster.

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#368834 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:42

You just made my day with that one. xD

By dinosaursmoo | 0

#368835 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:42

ABAAAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA XD

By dinosaursmoo | 0

#368839 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:44

lol

By grlwitperlEring | 0

#368842 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:44

That's both disgusting and epic win at the same time...

By HondaGirl2010 | 0

#368854 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:49

Wow.. I can't stop laughing! xD FYL!