Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed...

By silvercity09 - 26/5/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML

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Miscellaneous

Capitalism kills

Trip Advisor says no

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 08:06

Easy listener

Today, on the phone, my boyfriend was complaining about the heat. When I told him that it wasn't hot where I live, at all, but that I had trouble sleeping due to stress, he replied, "Because of the heat, right? What else can it be?" FML

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By feelthesting - 6/7/2015 22:26 - Mexico - Aguascalientes

Today, I found out that my "mosquito bite" was in fact a jellyfish sting I got in Mexico, which has caused me to break out into horrendous hives in the airport waiting for the flight home. It's okay though, the plane is only delayed for 7 hours. FML

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By suckishbf - 28/4/2011 02:41 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2016 15:48

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

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By SE011194 - 24/5/2014 06:14 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my boyfriend told me that the girl he really likes sees me as a threat. FML

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By SporadiCOOL - 27/8/2019 00:01

Today, my parents told me that I wasn’t invited to a family wedding because it was too expensive to invite everyone. This would be fine, if they didn’t invite all my other cousins, and my baby sibling as well. To be honest, it’s probably just because I’m gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 20:27 - United States - Covina

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

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By anonymous - 23/4/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, my grandma and I were watching the Ranger's playoff game. As Henrik Lundqvist received a standing ovation from the crowd after blocking 38 shots, she says to me, "Check out his equipment!" My 80-year old grandma just commented on Henrik Lundqvist's package. FML

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By XxespoxX - 11/5/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, my Dad took me to a yankee game at the new Yankees stadium. During the 5th inning the camera crew put a man on the big screen. I then yelled out "Look at that ugly asshole!" It was the guy sitting 4 seats to the left of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 07:25 - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML

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By StellarSapience - 22/5/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I was at work at an office store. I was instructed to put together several tape-free cardboard boxes. I then realized that I can disassemble and reassemble a computer with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back, but I was outsmarted by a cardboard box. FML

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By messyfamily - 19/9/2010 07:31 - Australia

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

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By IHateMyJob - 18/1/2009 04:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML

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By robert - 31/1/2012 00:20 - United States

Today, I went to deliver some reports to my boss in his office. He was facing away from me and ranting about his "useless employees", so I slipped in and waited for him to put the phone down. Turns out he was talking to himself. When he noticed me, he bitched me out and threatened to fire me. FML

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By benjo - 6/8/2013 18:07 - United States

Today, I was lifeguarding a pool party for a bunch of eight year olds. One of them decided it'd be funny to have a contest to see who could make the most bubbles with their farts. It led to three kids shitting themselves in the pool, and me having the dubious honor of cleaning it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 16:13 - Singapore

Today, my husband's car was stolen from our driveway while he was out jogging. We'd recently had a huge fight, and he accused me of having done this to get revenge. I was at work all day, but it seems this doesn't make any difference to his dumb, paranoid ass. FML

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By Potential Bridezilla - 10/8/2011 07:18 - United Arab Emirates

Today, a week after my fiancé and I got engaged, his mother is already complaining that she isn't involved enough in the wedding arrangements. We haven't even set a date yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 03:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

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By swedishdude - 14/11/2009 13:37 - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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By Jen - 9/11/2010 03:36 - Australia

Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2011 08:03 - United States

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

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By PrettySureItsReal - 9/4/2015 19:38 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, a parent of one of the students I teach called me to complain that I was teaching her child "lies" and "fairytales". I was teaching them about the Holocaust. FML

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By login_eddy - 17/9/2010 18:37 - France

Today, while cleaning behind a ladder, I banged my head on one of the hand rails. I stood up, cursed, and moved to the other side. To my luck, I hit the other side of my head. I now have two lumps perfectly placed as horns on my head. FML

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By Ryan - 7/2/2010 14:18 - France

Today, I cut my finger at work while chopping some vegetables. I grabbed the nearest rag I could to stop the bleeding and put it on the cut. I didn't know the rag had just been used to clean up a lemon juice spill. FML

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By pi_power_15 - 11/8/2015 03:25 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

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By clecker - 8/10/2009 10:24 - Australia

Today, I finally paid off the massive debt on my credit card. I came home only to find that almost everything I owned had been repossessed an hour before I paid the debt. FML

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By imawesome - 2/3/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, I had a minor outpatient procedure that required sedation. I am not supposed to drive or even be alone for 24 hours. My husband wouldn't take the day off to go with me, and instead of coming home from work, he is at the bar with his coworkers. FML

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By anon9876542 - 20/8/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I drank 1.5 litres of water. I didn't go to the bathroom for 9 hours. During my one hour trek home on public transport, I was busting to pee but I managed to hold it. Walking 200m from my bus stop to my house was agony, but I still held it. When I got to my front door I peed my pants. FML

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By carebear1228 - 1/7/2014 17:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 04:05 - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2015 19:00 - United States - Point Pleasant Beach

Today, three of my dipshit coworkers kept whining all day about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, how devastating it is, and what it means for their future. As a pacifist, I've never had to struggle so hard to not beat the piss out of people and hurl their broken remains out a window. FML

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By BrokeButSmart - 23/8/2012 05:24 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my boss reprimanded me in front of the rest of the staff for "not following instructions" because I went to a company meeting. I have the email from him telling me to go to the meeting. He thinks I faked it. Unemployment sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 03:00

Misunderstanding

Today, my boss sent me to remove a tree from a client's home. So I went and cut down the tree, only for my boss to show up an hour later, speechless. I was supposed to remove a sapling that had sprouted through the driveway tarmac, not the 100-year-old prizewinning Japanese cherry tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2018 01:30

Oh no.

Today, while cleaning out my daughter's closet, I found my missing dildo. It's a mold of my husband's penis. FML

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By Kay Jacline Salvatierra - 15/4/2020 05:00

Shivering Herbert

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2015 01:56 - United States

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

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By eddiemusicjazz - 26/5/2012 07:30 - United States - Azusa

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

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By The_Black_Jesus - 31/3/2013 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

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By Stevie - 16/8/2011 06:52 - Canada

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

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Top comments

By readme | 0

#232575 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:19

I'm rather concerned that you were even getting it for your sister...
A rather "close" relationship you two have is it?...

By xBabyMaMa | 0

#232596 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:27

Could of been worse. Your dad could have been happy.

COMMENTS

By readme | 0

#232575 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:19

I'm rather concerned that you were even getting it for your sister...
A rather "close" relationship you two have is it?...

AbscenceOfLuck | 0

#865978 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 17:57

HaHa if he got a vibrator, what did she get? ...Condoms?

kingace | 0

#955153 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 22:43

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

owneditup | 0

#1176290 - Monday 2 August 2010 9:42

thats why i dont give ppl gifts... jk its cuz i have no money

frolick123 | 0

#2624811 - Sunday 5 June 2011 18:21

kingace your creepy... it is still a terrible gift... like saying she cant a guy and imagine opening that in front of ur parents

By gorjjays6 | 0

#232576 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:19

this is so fake. what? you wrapped them the same and they were the same shape? i find that hard to believe. good effort though.

BlueEyed1019 | 12

#3857089 - Monday 9 January 2012 20:27

I always want to know what the moderated comments say!

By loveisalie2 | 0

#232582 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:21

why the flying fuck would someone get a vibrator for their sister. If my brother ever got me a vibrator i would be honestly creeped out and disgusted. I'd think he was having some sort of incest feelings towards me. ew