Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour...

By Rainman - 14/6/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

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Miscellaneous

Banished

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Weird kid

By Janitoro - 23/11/2012 01:19 - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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By notwhatithought - 21/8/2015 19:43 - Germany - Erlangen

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:48 - United States - Gainesboro

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. In the heat of the moment, I said his name. He immediately stopped, gave me a deadly serious look and said "Huh? What?" FML

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By sheilob - 24/3/2012 23:06 - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

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By chocochoco - 24/3/2014 03:40 - United States - Auburn

Today, my drunken self became a vaguely racist poet. I am now the author of a four-page poem entitled "Chocolate Men". FML

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By girlw/ablog - 2/7/2019 11:00 - United States - Austin

Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

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By gnownayrgnow - 8/5/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

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By gumless - 2/5/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML

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By dancer101 - 4/2/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, I met my daughter's boyfriend, who she hopes to marry. I asked what he does, to which he answered, "I'm a Flamencologist." Flamencology? The study of Flamenco? Huh? FML

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By InnocenceBlue - 20/7/2019 04:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, after I've been nauseous for a week straight, barely eating or sleeping, I was going to see my doctor. She then called in sick and I can't get an appointment for another week. FML

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By Buzzie - 2/9/2010 21:09 - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2014 23:04 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend..." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 15:16 - United States - Clermont

Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 21:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

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By lesson.learned - 21/1/2013 21:39 - United Kingdom - Littlehampton

Today, I dragged my boyfriend to see Les Misérables with me. He now refuses to communicate with me through any medium other than singing. Apparently, this is his revenge. FML

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By willconqueror1 - 22/9/2014 14:25 - United States

Today, coming home from a trip in the mountains, I got a cracked radiator and my car overheated. My dad came to get me, he drove my car and I followed in his. I got pulled over and ticketed for his expired registration. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

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By the bad artist - 10/9/2012 00:12 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2010 22:27 - United States

Today, my mom informed me that my entire family puts their dirty towels on the towel rack in the bathroom instead of the hamper. I've been using their dirty towels after showers for as long as I remember. FML

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By soccerbuddyz - 3/8/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. And now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 22:06 - Canada

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2012 04:47 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML

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By ApolloandDixie - 23/12/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, my mom and I were going to the store. I decided to stay in the car while she went in. In the car next to me, there was a dog in the driver's seat barking at me. Bored, I barked back at it until I realized there was someone in the passenger's seat watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 01:04 - United States

Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML

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By boo8713 - 28/11/2012 06:06 - United States - Bell

Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the iPhone function. FML

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By Noname - 29/1/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I found an ad for my job at my company on an online job board. FML

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By anonymous - 28/12/2016 05:07 - United States

Today, while hiking in the mountains in North Carolina, I finally got to the deer I had been tracking for almost an hour. I was watching it from about 10 feet away, and enjoying every moment. Within a few seconds, my niece yelled from across the river to ask if I had found it. It ran away. FML

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By doglove - 23/3/2020 04:43

Hey, it's the Christmas card dude!

Today, I was looking through old childhood pictures for my father's funeral and I found one of our old Christmas cards. I looked at it and noticed in the background our two dogs enjoying very spirited sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 04:02

Pennies From Heaven

Today, I bought some shoes, but pissed off the lady working at the store by returning them 5 minutes later. She yelled at me and ripped my receipt in half, everyone in the store watched as she threw a handful of pennies at my face. FML

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By icareaboutmyhair - 28/2/2011 15:27 - Estonia

Today, I discovered I have dandruff, which I never had before. I googled the possible reasons and those are depression and hormones. Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. And apparently I'm depressed. How sexy is that? FML

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By awkwardballer - 24/5/2016 16:53

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2014 19:23 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

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By Lasko - 12/8/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, I found out that just because you collapse from dehydration on the sidewalk, it doesn't mean people are going to stop driving to see if you're okay, even if they saw you fall. FML

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By pooperscooper - 20/2/2017 00:00 - Australia - Hunters Hill

Today, I had to wipe someone else's shit off the toilet seat for the third day in a row. We had a new staff member join our team three days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 23:14 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

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By 21! - 3/7/2012 01:53 - United States - Schenectady

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

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By SoMuchForThatIdea - 12/6/2017 00:00

Today, I got to spend the entire day shopping for lingerie with the man of my dreams. He bought everything I'd ever wanted and more! Too bad it was for another woman. FML

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3824

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By HP_22 - 1/12/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

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By David - 2/9/2016 06:01 - United States - London

Today, my boss found out I had applied for a much better paying job. He told me I'd do a better job and make more money there. Then he fired me. FML

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By Niquesha - 23/4/2011 23:56 - United States

Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

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Top comments

By ZeldasSage | 0

#305375 - Monday 15 June 2009 0:58

Aww that sucks! Should've checked the weather forecast, though. =/

By paperfox_fml | 0

#305439 - Monday 15 June 2009 1:08

Yeah, it's such fucking hard work holding a hose for 10 minutes.

COMMENTS

By artcgirl | 0

#305371 - Monday 15 June 2009 0:57

1st! and ouch...

TylerAnderson98 | 10

#4512873 - Saturday 2 June 2012 19:19

Ugly ass bitch

Jiplo | 18

#5477401 - Saturday 4 May 2013 2:53

Comment moderated.

By ZeldasSage | 0

#305375 - Monday 15 June 2009 0:58

Aww that sucks! Should've checked the weather forecast, though. =/

cheerthefkupism | 0

#315302 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 21:53

Agreed. :)

Weather channel?

albert17 | 0

#884749 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 8:39

hell even a computer wouldve given you the weather forecast

abcnonamecba | 0

#1037216 - Sunday 20 June 2010 16:39

that would be silly XD

militarybrat | 21

#5585650 - Thursday 18 July 2013 3:43

Uh weather forecasts aren't 100%. A better thing to say was look at the clouds. Dark means heavy with water.

By jimmyh250 | 0

#305380 - Monday 15 June 2009 0:59

ahaa nice!!

By BAbyR | 0

#305381 - Monday 15 June 2009 0:59

and thats why you wait.
or next time check the weather.

By SluttyMcNugget | 0

#305383 - Monday 15 June 2009 0:59

OOOOH!! Your life is fucked forever...

By randomxtremely | 0

#305385 - Monday 15 June 2009 0:59

aw~the stupid weather channel lies~although that doesn't have anything to do with this. Hey, at least your plants didn't all die

By imtheman920 | 0

#305391 - Monday 15 June 2009 1:00

YDI. Check the weather forecast. Did you also get your car washed today as well?

By SP63_fml | 0

#305395 - Monday 15 June 2009 1:01

Reminds me of the time that I heard that one of my colleagues wasn't coming to work, so I did all of his work for him so we wouldn't fall behind. 30 minutes later, guess who shows up?

By irishlassie731 | 0

#305411 - Monday 15 June 2009 1:03

Check the weather forecast. Duh.

By kira1kira | 0

#305412 - Monday 15 June 2009 1:03

Hey! It not as cool as the rain man, u can't have that name