Work: Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted... - FML

By RickTooBomb - 05/10/2016 15:23 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 695

You deserved it 804

Good kid

BO Central

Munchausen by proxy

By now afraid... - 03/04/2016 17:28 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found a bowl of green beans just sitting in my microwave. The only person in my life who ever eats green beans is my psycho ex-girlfriend. She moved out three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 451

You deserved it 2 189

By Frozen Food Fan - 11/08/2015 14:29 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 904

You deserved it 5 513

By GodDamnFan - 27/05/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 143

You deserved it 5 775

By Anonymous - 08/03/2015 10:33 - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 245

You deserved it 3 519

By Anonymous - 01/11/2015 08:48 - United Kingdom - Pinner

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 426

You deserved it 2 257

By Adopted - 14/06/2016 21:22

Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 454

You deserved it 1 183

By FUCK, NO. - 26/05/2019 06:11

Today, my pasty white boyfriend told me he intended to try and grow dreadlocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 294

By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 02:45 - United States

Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving 'chem trails', and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 254

You deserved it 5 827

By noname - 18/02/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 223

You deserved it 6 023

By Anonymous - 17/06/2019 20:48

Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 712

You deserved it 150

By gnofin - 22/03/2016 21:23 - United States

Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, and the trunk lid hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 461

You deserved it 2 993

Suspicious Minds

By Anonymous - 29/04/2021 20:08

Today, I found out that my parents have always believed that every single time I have ever showed emotion, I was faking it and that I'm actually a sociopath with no feelings. I was kicked out of the theater department at my college for my poor acting skills, and they know it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 63

By FlyAwayPlease - 25/08/2015 22:38 - United Kingdom - Mold

Today, the boy that I met online six months ago and expressed my love to sent me a picture of himself and confessed how old he really was: thirteen. I'm eighteen years old and holding a steady job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 168

You deserved it 8 237

By alternativefacts - 10/07/2017 14:28

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 862

You deserved it 1 195

By sayno2mermaids - 04/08/2016 02:08 - United States - Denver

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 227

You deserved it 3 191

By fuckoffgramps - 24/01/2016 17:10 - United States - New Freedom

Today, I twisted my knee while cutting firewood with my grandpa. The pain was so crippling, I fell over screaming. His response? "Quit your bitching, I had my kneecaps blown off in Vietnam. They had to stitch 'em back on." He's never been to Vietnam, or even out of the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 486

You deserved it 2 248

By Kiki - 23/06/2016 23:54 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 880

You deserved it 1 083

By in_pain - 06/05/2011 23:23 - Canada

Today, my doctor called and asked me when I could have my broken hand x-rayed again. I said the ER staff had told me it was a bad sprain over two weeks ago. I'm now in a full cast, and have to have my partially healed bones re-broken. There goes my summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 848

You deserved it 2 823

By Anonymous - 02/10/2012 19:39 - United States - Richland

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 642

You deserved it 2 945

By DrLight - 17/01/2015 01:59 - United States - Raleigh

Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 374

You deserved it 3 738

As a matter of fact…

By Hangryko - 11/05/2021 08:01 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my mother told me to my face that if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't have had kids. Thanks, Mum. It's not like I asked to be born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 88

By eewww - 06/05/2011 15:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 714

You deserved it 3 688

Gassy

By Fartnonymous - 18/08/2015 10:59 - Qatar - Doha

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 688

You deserved it 2 655

By thefrightening1 - 05/09/2011 15:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 318

You deserved it 3 473

By DocDog - 24/03/2017 02:00

Today, my grandmother threatened to write me out of her will because I refused to believe that dogs can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 620

You deserved it 476

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 16:45 - United States

Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 962

You deserved it 32 299

By cat co-parent - 03/01/2015 00:11 - Australia

Today, my mum sat me down for a serious talk about not being home enough - not because she misses me, but because the family cat needs more stability in her life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 545

You deserved it 2 733

Stained

By Anonymous - 06/05/2020 05:00

Today, I found out that my wife's dog had peed on my side of the bed, while I was sleeping. I thought I had just drooled in my sleep, until I noticed it had turned yellow during the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 161

By This girl - 19/12/2011 18:01 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 259

You deserved it 3 378

By jessii - 09/10/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 782

You deserved it 3 106

By weswithaute - 13/11/2011 06:53 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied. Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 930

You deserved it 7 788

By ew - 11/08/2013 13:09 - United States - Titusville

Today, someone told me that my initials really fit my personality. I took it as a strange compliment, until I realized my initials spell "ew". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 749

You deserved it 4 608

By Unemployed - 30/09/2009 09:03 - Malaysia

Today, I fell asleep during my division emergency meeting. As I about to head home that evening, my boss patted me on the back saying "Wrong move. Good luck". Turned out, it was a meeting to determine who will be kicked out of the company due to recession. My name was written first on the list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 879

You deserved it 54 353

By Not That Old - 28/07/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 033

You deserved it 6 665

By Phoellie - 28/08/2009 11:43 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd had great sex also. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 875

You deserved it 5 180

You wanker!

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 1 790

By Anonymous - 08/12/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the lotion I joking said "Wouldn't it be funny if it made it worse?" Guess who got punched in the face, twice, because it did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 720

You deserved it 25 480

By 613tanner - 19/05/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 446

You deserved it 70 170

By MarkQ95 - 21/07/2013 23:58 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 796

You deserved it 59 589

Wuss

By Username - 01/12/2010 19:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 911

You deserved it 5 101

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Thursday 6 October 2016 9:57

Dude, unsafe working conditions. You can probably contact someone at OSHA and report whoever made you park it. Seriously, no shit.

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Thursday 6 October 2016 9:52

I work as a valet and I hope to God that never happens to me. I am deeply sorry for your experience.

Comments

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Thursday 6 October 2016 9:52

I work as a valet and I hope to God that never happens to me. I am deeply sorry for your experience.

sturschaedel 27

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Friday 7 October 2016 9:24

You might want to have a huge garage bag with you at all times, just in case.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Thursday 6 October 2016 9:55

Sounds like you ended up dropping his kids off at the pool.

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Saturday 8 October 2016 5:54

I think you tried to.make a shitty pun, but it was so shitty i didnt even realize it was a pun.

SixthSinEnvy 39

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Thursday 6 October 2016 9:56

Wait, so he pooped himself and he still went into the restaurant?! Why wasn't he turned away at the door?

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Thursday 6 October 2016 10:01

Some medical clinics/hospitals have valet parking, since... Well, sick and injured people might not want to walk nearly a mile for a ER or doctor visit.

Demon_of_Light 27

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Thursday 6 October 2016 10:15

As a general rule though, if you're impaired enough that you can't walk the length of a parking lot, you're probably not driving yourself around.

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Thursday 6 October 2016 10:51

You'd be surprised. I'm generally talking about hospitals/clinics where the parking lots are separated from the medical building by several hundred yards, roads with heavy traffic, or ones that have a patient base with people who can technically walk the distance, but probably don't want to because of pain or other issues- orthopedic clinics, clinics that treat chemo patients, or patients with any disorder that causes pain associated with activity. There are a lot of chronically ill people that do wind up having to drive themself to appointments when, yes, they technically shouldn't be, but if they can't pay for a driving service and have been all but legally disowned by their family, they still have to get to the appointments.

SixthSinEnvy 39

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Thursday 6 October 2016 18:48

In the end doesn't matter where he's going. If you shit your pants you don't make someone else sit in it. Period. If we are talking about a medical facility or even a hotel where the parking is valet only I'm sure 9/10 times they'll understand if you explain the accident and they'll show you where to put your car. Anywhere else you need to be turned away. It's a biohazard.

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Thursday 6 October 2016 19:52

The ER at my local hospital has valet. Labor and Delivery has a separate valet as well. A friend of mine scarred a valet for life when he saw her give birth on the curb outside the hospital ;)

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Thursday 6 October 2016 9:57

No, no you didn't still have to park his car. Believe it or not the customer isn't always right.

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Thursday 6 October 2016 9:57

Dude, unsafe working conditions. You can probably contact someone at OSHA and report whoever made you park it. Seriously, no shit.

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Saturday 8 October 2016 0:01

I think no shit is what OP wanted in the first place.

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Thursday 6 October 2016 10:00

Why would he not go back home when he shit himself?

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Thursday 6 October 2016 19:21

If he wasn't completely there, why is he allowed to drive?

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Friday 7 October 2016 17:49

It's not like the dmv gets a notification when someone's mind starts to slip.

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 6 October 2016 10:00

People always give the valets shit.

InfiniteSunshine 32

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Thursday 6 October 2016 10:28

You definitely did not need to park it. Being around someone else's waste can be dangerous. Where I live, it's considered a biohazard and we're actually not allowed to go anywhere near it and have to call professionals to clean it up if it's in our workplace. If someone, like your boss, forced you to do this, report them, they are endangering their employees.

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Thursday 6 October 2016 12:36

Your shit outa luck buddy

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Thursday 6 October 2016 12:47

That's a shitty thing for your manager (or whoever made you park it) to do. Try suing for unsafe workplace

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 137

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 303