Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

Mr Whiskers takes priority

Today, my daughter forgot my birthday. When I asked her, she said she'd remembered my birthday, but was too busy at work to acknowledge it. However, she did have time to post a message on Facebook, wishing a happy birthday to her cat. FML

Today, I've been so stressed out that I forgot my own birthday. I only remembered when my mom talked to me to let me know she wasn't planning on doing anything for it. FML

Today, my new coworker asked if I knew her daughter. I responded yes and asked how her pregnancy was going. She didn't know her daughter was pregnant. FML

Today, my eldest daughter announced she was getting divorced. She never even told me she was married. FML

Today, I realized my daughter has been in longer relationships than I have. FML

Today, I decided it was time to tell my daughter that she had been adopted. Not only had she known for 5 years, she found out from my drunk sister. FML

Today, I smacked my kid on top of the head for spinning the display rack while I was looking at greeting cards. It wasn't until he dramatically screamed and dropped to the floor wailing that I realized he wasn't my daughter. FML