Love: Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house...

By Anon - 04/08/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 972

You deserved it 4 104

Love

Commando

Best teeth in the game

Thanks, dad

By shelookslikemiley - 23/09/2014 12:48 - Australia

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 039

You deserved it 19 743

Report card

By Jussy - 26/01/2021 17:01

Today, while assisting my kindergartener with distance learning, it became apparent what an incompetent bumbling mess his teacher is. In-person learning resumes next week, and I'm terrified to leave my child in a classroom with this man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 107

By O.o - 20/02/2011 08:15 - Australia

Today, while trying on bras in the changing room, I wanted to see what my friend's bra looked like on her. Not wishing to leave my changing room in my underwear, I wriggled under her door. When I got through, my bra had come nearly all the way down and when I tried getting back, I got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 429

You deserved it 45 646

By Noname - 08/03/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. All of the workers started making a fuss and whistling, etc. Naturally, I got very flustered. I stood still for a second and faced them. One yelled for me to move because I was in the way of a girl at a stop light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 871

You deserved it 14 191

By Anonymous - 23/01/2014 21:49 - United States - Washington

Today, school was out because of snow. My dad walked in my room and shouted "Why are you home?!" I told him why, and he replied, "Then get out the damn house and play in the snow." He tossed me out in nothing but my shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 734

You deserved it 5 161

By haha247 - 14/08/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 156

You deserved it 3 909

By maggu - 11/02/2013 04:26 - Denmark

Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 131

You deserved it 7 384

By Anonymous - 06/03/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 896

You deserved it 5 520

By Anonymous - 07/11/2010 22:07 - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 453

You deserved it 23 428

By Henji - 10/12/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 948

You deserved it 41 277

By adopted - 03/03/2014 15:55 - United States - New York

Today, I decided it was time to tell my daughter that she had been adopted. Not only had she known for 5 years, she found out from my drunk sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 393

You deserved it 8 552

By Anonymous - 12/02/2012 04:25 - United States

Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 754

You deserved it 35 948

By nopleasestopmother - 02/05/2014 23:03 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, my mother asked me why I disliked her and my father's nakedness in the family pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 416

You deserved it 3 649

Gassy

By MuteNToot - 26/02/2015 21:17

Today, my friend was confiding all her problems to me over Skype. I pressed the mute button so I could let out a fart, forgetting I'd already muted it earlier. I broke several minutes of my own silence with a devastating wet one. Now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 909

You deserved it 14 293

By tortured - 27/11/2013 03:11 - United States

Today, my coworkers were bored. To solve this, they taped me to a chair and tried tickling me to death. My boss joined in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 178

You deserved it 4 565

By Username - 28/07/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, I got the worst sunburn I've ever had in my life, and then discovered I'm allergic to aloe when I went to treat the burn with some gel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 447

You deserved it 3 641

By lucas - 12/12/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 539

You deserved it 3 163

By happybirthday - 12/08/2012 05:49 - United States - Wrentham

Today, I found the perfect opportunity to throw my husband a surprise party since he thought I was away on a business trip. He came home with a hooker. Surprise! FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 364

You deserved it 3 447

(facepalm)

By Anonymous - 06/02/2018 15:00

Today, while working roadside assistance, I arrived to a bewildered client who couldn't find their spare tire. The vehicle in question was a Jeep. I pointed out the spare, but was corrected as "that's just for decoration." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 879

You deserved it 288

By Tokany - 28/04/2011 19:29 - Romania

Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 044

You deserved it 2 742

By Noname - 30/01/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I got a haircut and the first thing the lady asked was "so do you want to keep the mullet?". What mullet?! FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 477

You deserved it 4 997

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 17:33 - United States

Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 851

You deserved it 48 246

By bigmozwoman - 18/09/2015 02:18 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 020

You deserved it 1 735

By ooh cat - 18/05/2012 21:50 - United States - Inglewood

Today, after weeks of sorting, inspecting, and waiting, my high school's yearbooks were distributed. I'd searched carefully for photo errors and was proud to say there were none. That is, until someone told me that a boy on the last page was flipping the camera the bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 761

You deserved it 4 738

By Anonymous - 02/02/2013 23:03 - Belgium - Schepdaal

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 175

You deserved it 3 760

By mehdi - 13/10/2008 08:20

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326 445

You deserved it 33 687

By oh gee - 02/05/2016 05:01

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 284

You deserved it 5 249

By Viridian - 12/05/2009 13:41 - United States

Today, I gave a big presentation at work. The manager decided to video tape it. I went through my presentation with ease and was confident I did a good job. My confidence was then lowered after watching the tape. Apparently, my boobs are much more interesting than what I had to say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 508

You deserved it 7 036

By Anonymous - 28/02/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, I ran into one of my teachers from high school. When I told her I just recently graduated college and was starting graduate school in the fall, she said "you don't have to lie, some people just are not cut out for college. There is no shame." I wasn't lying, I graduated with honors too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 688

You deserved it 2 924

By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put vinegar in my contact solution. I took my contacts out hours ago and my eyes still burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 405

You deserved it 2 616

By leftout - 25/12/2015 05:51 - United States - Whitney

Today, I spent the holiday with my husband's big family. They suggested we take a family picture, but two people were purposely left out of it. I was one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 197

You deserved it 1 646

By Anonymous - 01/04/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 695

You deserved it 36 269

By dazedandconfused - 25/06/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, someone heard me throw up. I then got called aside and told being hungover at work is unacceptable. I don't drink. I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 344

You deserved it 3 802

By Puppysit88 - 16/04/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 700

You deserved it 9 045

Chili beans

By "Caroline Ballard Turner" - 22/12/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to find that there has been a water main break in my neighborhood and there is no running water until the break is located and fixed. I had chili with beans late last night and it is wreaking havoc with my lower gastrointestinal track, and the toilet won't flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 012

You deserved it 216

By Stigmamma - 27/11/2016 08:54

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 194

You deserved it 5 035

By college kid - 31/07/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 172

You deserved it 5 353

By Anonymous - 20/02/2016 14:19 - United States - Abington

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 114

You deserved it 1 449

By scared shitless in ohio - 25/09/2013 20:02 - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 742

You deserved it 5 512

By MisterT - 19/05/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, my kitchen sink was clogged. I poured a bottle of Drano down and came back two hours later. The clog is still there, but the glue on the pipe is not and now there is Drano-water all over the floor, staining and dissolving everything in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 473

You deserved it 7 234

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Top comments

CattyPurry 0

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Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

you should have yelled back "are you still 60?" (:

bigbadtim 7

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Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

Your dad is funny.

CattyPurry 0

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Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

you should have yelled back "are you still 60?" (:

RouletteRed 6

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Thursday 4 August 2011 16:14

Melissa you took that right outta my mouth xD. I'm just glad someone said it lol.

dolphincheddar 10

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Thursday 4 August 2011 16:24

My dad does that to me all the time, it's a joke, it's funny, get over it.

jayalexander 7

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Thursday 4 August 2011 17:11

cowboy butt sex!!!!

PawsUp_fml 2

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Thursday 4 August 2011 18:33

Hopefully she doesn't back up on him Guns Hot lol

juicedboi 7

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Thursday 4 August 2011 20:40

There you go ladies, you always complaining about bachelor entry. Just say you have diharrea. It will stop about 7.2% of us from trying at least.

juicedboi 7

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Thursday 4 August 2011 20:56

Talk about typos... you're, and backdoor..

JustHello123 1

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Friday 5 August 2011 2:51

Haha gotta love your Dad, always ruins the chances for you to get laid ha!

Tommananaze6T9 4

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Friday 5 August 2011 3:19

i think he is too

iPoopMusic 0

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Friday 5 August 2011 7:40

I think it's funny. My dad just sits on the couch watching tv all day :/

MagicGiraffe 12

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Friday 5 August 2011 11:03

Girls poop?

bigbadtim 7

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Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

Your dad is funny.

eminemchick 19

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Thursday 4 August 2011 16:33

The sun is hot.

bigbadtim 7

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Thursday 4 August 2011 17:02

Rain is wet.

HappyCynic 0

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Thursday 4 August 2011 17:02

I'm wearing pants.

jren207 24

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Thursday 4 August 2011 17:13

I'm not wearing any pants.

jayalexander 7

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Thursday 4 August 2011 17:13

Damn 39 I was bout to say that shit!

mustardhippo 4

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Thursday 4 August 2011 18:22

Poo is squishy

DalekScythe 0

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Thursday 4 August 2011 21:03

holy crap #2! you know what Daleks are (the profile pic)?!?!?!?!?! to OP: srry op you know how dads can get.

BlueCereal 2

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Thursday 4 August 2011 22:56

Sounds like something my dad would do xD just tell your date that your dad is a clown and it's not true

hemz_fml 13

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Friday 5 August 2011 0:55

yea that was hilarious

saraitkddh 47

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 0:50

dad strikes again

BelleBelle_fml 11

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Thursday 4 August 2011 15:56

It's a father's duty to embarrass their children, let him enjoy his moment.

smileyxo4 5

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Friday 5 August 2011 7:33

3- I read your profile, and I want to see your aqua eyes(:

BelleBelle_fml 11

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Friday 5 August 2011 11:13

O-o

pdp_fml 21

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Friday 5 August 2011 11:29

It sounds like something I might say to my daughter too!

sulitak 27

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Monday 8 April 2013 9:40

yeah, My Dad told one of my boyfriends that our Maine Coon cat was part raccoon. apparently my ex was really dumb. he proceeded to ask how we knew.

88yasha 7

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Thursday 4 August 2011 15:57

Wow that's some nice dad you have there. Your life does suck.

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Thursday 4 August 2011 15:57

I wish I had diarrhea right now. I've been constipated for like a month...

TheMasticater 9

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Thursday 4 August 2011 15:59

W...t...f...

missyj0 12

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Thursday 4 August 2011 17:47

There's always the chocolate flavored laxatives. :D

Ugi 26

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Thursday 4 August 2011 18:34

6 - I really could have managed without knowing that!

koolkat27 13

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Friday 5 August 2011 11:48

I couldve gone my whole life without knowing that #6.

duckman9 54

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Saturday 6 August 2011 16:49

Call a plumber!

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Saturday 6 August 2011 21:01

Thanks 133! I did call a plumber and now everything's clear. :)

katialovesfml 0

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Thursday 4 August 2011 15:57

Just explain to your crush how your dad thinks he's funny easy. All dads do that

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Thursday 4 August 2011 16:00

Lmaooo hahahaha bro give me some sympathy. :(

polkadots123 2

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Monday 23 April 2012 8:30

Woooooooow tmi tmi tmi

coltsrock37 15

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Thursday 4 August 2011 16:01

This is where you yell back, "You got an STD where?!?"

EmreArslan 11

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 22:16

And her dad would scream back:"from your mom!". Bet the guy wouldnt want to have sex with her anymore... Victory for dad!!!

FMLephant 2

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Thursday 4 August 2011 16:05

Diarrhea cha cha cha

Jovecove 13

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Thursday 4 August 2011 17:10

I have no idea why I find this comment hilarious lool

jren207 24

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Thursday 4 August 2011 17:15

37, Same.

immataco 9

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Saturday 6 August 2011 9:34

I laughed more at the comment than at the post :D

Glitterhinoceros 14

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Thursday 4 August 2011 16:07

That's where you excuse yourself and go beat him with a broom

sexybabe13 0

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Friday 5 August 2011 19:10

Haha message me

MRVOlivia 22

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Thursday 4 August 2011 16:17

HOW DOES SHE DESERVE IT?!?!?!?!

fightingkittens 39

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Thursday 4 August 2011 16:59

Quickly publish something that will, in response to the comment. Otherwise the Nazis will come after you

jren207 24

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Thursday 4 August 2011 17:17

19, Maybe the dogs died of violent diarrhea.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 35

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 301

You deserved it 55

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 627

You deserved it 701

Report card

Gassy

(facepalm)

Chili beans

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