Love: Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house...

By Anon - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

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43955

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Love

Proactive

Family extension

Fucking Facebook memories

By Username - United States

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30397

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28545

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By Are you f*cking kidding me - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63727

You deserved it

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By wideeyeddays - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he decided to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26402

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37149

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By funkyhed84 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I answered the door to two Mormon girls from America. I live in the UK and am not religious at all, but I was too polite to slam the door and ended up letting them in. An hour later, a copy of 'The Book of Mormon' and 'My Pathway to Baptism' and I think I'm now a Mormon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3091

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1534

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By creamed - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8041

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By ashamed - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19148

You deserved it

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By dumped - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? His best mate got dumped yesterday and my boyfriend thought it would be 'more fun' to be 'single lads together'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34283

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By lovecrisis247 - United States

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML

I agree, your life sucks

17079

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 20:08 - United States

Wage slave

Today, at work, our customer service chat was empty all day, so I got up to go to bathroom. In the two minutes I was gone, three people tried to chat with me. Then I got a call from my manager, asking me why I wasn't doing my job. He told me to give advanced notice next time I had to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

906

You deserved it

101

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By Busty

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5535

You deserved it

964

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By Anna - 20/12/2020 05:02

Bad timing

Today, it's the first day of a long-needed vacation after weeks of stress and overtime. I'm having such intense period cramps, I'm bathed in sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

855

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By Hopslammer - United States

Today, as I was smoking a cigarette I realized that it's time to quit. This realization came to me after a particularly violent coughing bout forced not tar out of my lungs, but rather poo out of my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11199

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By -__-

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21292

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54496

You deserved it

8127

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By DarkDisaster - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34200

You deserved it

8197

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By Anonymous - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13871

You deserved it

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By Aphrodite - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29055

You deserved it

7696

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By AH - United States

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents denied me saying that it would cost too much money. I come home today to see my parents had bought a huge plasma screen TV for $800. We already have 3 tv's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47808

You deserved it

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By pchis4ever - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

I agree, your life sucks

13517

You deserved it

36761

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By BCBUDDY - United States

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16395

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By JustAmirage

Today, it was my first day at work. They had me a large tray with lots of food on it, even after I told them I wasn’t comfortable carrying it. I hit the door on the way out of the kitchen, spilling everything on the tray, breaking 2 soup bowls and 3 salad plates. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2078

You deserved it

339

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, one of my teachers asked me to babysit their kids saturday night. She didn't forget that it was Prom night, she was going to chaperone it. My teacher assumed I wasn't invited to Prom... I wasn't. FML

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71653

You deserved it

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By racist - United States

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38136

You deserved it

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By schoolkiddo - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35088

You deserved it

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By Nelson - Sweden

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33852

You deserved it

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By GreenShelves - United States - Lynchburg

Today, after staying up late all week to get work done, I arrived at my job having accomplished all my goals. In my sleep-deprived stupor, I completely forgot to bring the briefcase that had all of the evidence of that hard work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20347

You deserved it

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By cargaljen - United States

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37076

You deserved it

5030

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By meh

Today, at work, a guy tried to buy me for a dollar. I've only been there a week and it's the third time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9282

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10840

You deserved it

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By Fml24609 - United States

Today, I misspelled the word "failure" in front of all my co-workers. Now I'm not given any writing tasks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9781

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I called my mom to make sure she could attend on the wedding day my fiancé and I had discussed. She started off with criticizing the venue we considered, then went on to criticize my fiancé, and then stated she would under no circumstances help out, but demanded to pick my wedding dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23389

You deserved it

1586

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By Anonymous

Fishing

Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1694

You deserved it

313

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By Anonymous

When you lie on your resume to get the job

Today, my boyfriend and I are devastated to return our newly adopted "cat friendly" dog to the shelter. He's perfect other than the fact that he clearly wants to eat our cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3223

You deserved it

317

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By Savy - United States - Phoenix

Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5976

You deserved it

844

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By Xbieblette51 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48755

You deserved it

6926

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By PissedAtLife - United States

Today, I was invited to a counseling group for people with emotional problems. I brought the permission slip home for my mom to sign, only for her to accuse me of being a hypochondriacal, lazy, selfish bitch. And my friends wonder why I have problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31319

You deserved it

3222

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By Asteria

Today, my dryer was finally repaired after not working for over a month. I did one load of laundry and my washer stopped working. Another day, another $400+ repair bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2562

You deserved it

152

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By Kat - United States

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

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39160

You deserved it

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Top comments

By CattyPurry | 0

#3037586 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

you should have yelled back "are you still 60?" (:

By bigbadtim | 7

#3037587 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

Your dad is funny.

COMMENTS

By CattyPurry | 0

#3037586 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

you should have yelled back "are you still 60?" (:

RouletteRed | 6

#3037808 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:14

Melissa you took that right outta my mouth xD. I'm just glad someone said it lol.

dolphincheddar | 10

#3037864 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:24

My dad does that to me all the time, it's a joke, it's funny, get over it.

jayalexander | 7

#3038170 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:11

cowboy butt sex!!!!

PawsUp_fml | 2

#3038575 - Thursday 4 August 2011 18:33

Hopefully she doesn't back up on him Guns Hot lol

juicedboi | 7

#3039483 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:40

There you go ladies, you always complaining about bachelor entry. Just say you have diharrea. It will stop about 7.2% of us from trying at least.

juicedboi | 7

#3039535 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:56

Talk about typos... you're, and backdoor..

JustHello123 | 1

#3041258 - Friday 5 August 2011 2:51

Haha gotta love your Dad, always ruins the chances for you to get laid ha!

Tommananaze6T9 | 4

#3041394 - Friday 5 August 2011 3:19

i think he is too

iPoopMusic | 0

#3042637 - Friday 5 August 2011 7:40

I think it's funny. My dad just sits on the couch watching tv all day :/

MagicGiraffe | 12

#3043813 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:03

Girls poop?

By bigbadtim | 7

#3037587 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

Your dad is funny.

eminemchick | 19

#3037919 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:33

The sun is hot.

bigbadtim | 7

#3038121 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:02

Rain is wet.

HappyCynic | 0

#3038124 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:02

I'm wearing pants.

jren207 | 24

#3038179 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:13

I'm not wearing any pants.

jayalexander | 7

#3038182 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:13

Damn 39 I was bout to say that shit!

mustardhippo | 4

#3038526 - Thursday 4 August 2011 18:22

Poo is squishy

DalekScythe | 0

#3039555 - Thursday 4 August 2011 21:03

holy crap #2! you know what Daleks are (the profile pic)?!?!?!?!?! to OP: srry op you know how dads can get.

BlueCereal | 2

#3039801 - Thursday 4 August 2011 22:56

Sounds like something my dad would do xD just tell your date that your dad is a clown and it's not true

hemz_fml | 13

#3040536 - Friday 5 August 2011 0:55

yea that was hilarious

saraitkddh | 47

#5725280 - Tuesday 22 October 2013 0:50

dad strikes again

By BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3037589 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:56

It's a father's duty to embarrass their children, let him enjoy his moment.

smileyxo4 | 5

#3042608 - Friday 5 August 2011 7:33

3- I read your profile, and I want to see your aqua eyes(:

BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3043843 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:13

O-o

pdp_fml | 21

#3043877 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:29

It sounds like something I might say to my daughter too!

sulitak | 27

#5439783 - Monday 8 April 2013 9:40

yeah, My Dad told one of my boyfriends that our Maine Coon cat was part raccoon. apparently my ex was really dumb. he proceeded to ask how we knew.

By 88yasha | 7

#3037603 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:57

Wow that's some nice dad you have there. Your life does suck.

By Perksofbeingawal | 0

#3037612 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:57

I wish I had diarrhea right now. I've been constipated for like a month...

TheMasticater | 9

#3037654 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:59

W...t...f...

missyj0 | 12

#3038354 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:47

There's always the chocolate flavored laxatives. :D

Ugi | 26

#3038578 - Thursday 4 August 2011 18:34

6 - I really could have managed without knowing that!

koolkat27 | 13

#3043911 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:48

I couldve gone my whole life without knowing that #6.

duckman9 | 54

#3051873 - Saturday 6 August 2011 16:49

Call a plumber!

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#3052905 - Saturday 6 August 2011 21:01

Thanks 133! I did call a plumber and now everything's clear. :)

By katialovesfml | 0

#3037617 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:57

Just explain to your crush how your dad thinks he's funny easy. All dads do that

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#3037677 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:00

Lmaooo hahahaha bro give me some sympathy. :(

polkadots123 | 2

#4342917 - Monday 23 April 2012 8:30

Woooooooow tmi tmi tmi

By coltsrock37 | 15

#3037685 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:01

This is where you yell back, "You got an STD where?!?"

EmreArslan | 11

#4228701 - Wednesday 28 March 2012 22:16

And her dad would scream back:"from your mom!". Bet the guy wouldnt want to have sex with her anymore... Victory for dad!!!

By FMLephant | 2

#3037736 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:05

Diarrhea cha cha cha

Jovecove | 13

#3038164 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:10

I have no idea why I find this comment hilarious lool

jren207 | 24

#3038188 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:15

37, Same.

immataco | 9

#3050551 - Saturday 6 August 2011 9:34

I laughed more at the comment than at the post :D

By Glitterhinoceros | 14

#3037755 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:07

That's where you excuse yourself and go beat him with a broom

sexybabe13 | 0

#3046316 - Friday 5 August 2011 19:10

Haha message me

By MRVOlivia | 22

#3037818 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:17

HOW DOES SHE DESERVE IT?!?!?!?!

fightingkittens | 39

#3038097 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:59

Quickly publish something that will, in response to the comment. Otherwise the Nazis will come after you

jren207 | 24

#3038201 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:17

19, Maybe the dogs died of violent diarrhea.