Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house...

By Anon - 4/8/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43941

You deserved it

4090

Favorite

Love

Mind your own beeswax

Capitalism kills

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 02:01

Snug as a bug…

Today, my nose had been feeling weirdly uncomfortable all day. After I got home, I blew my nose really hard. I found that a bug had been resting inside my nose the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1675

You deserved it

136

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 05:40 - United States - Latonia

Today, I walked in on my 13-year-old sister cutting her pubic hair with scissors. After a long talk about what on earth she was doing, she confessed to doing it so her boyfriend could find her clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26478

You deserved it

2449

Favorite

By aligator1009 - 9/5/2012 04:54 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was enjoying the sun, an old man with prosthetic leg and no clothes on sat next to me. He took off his fake leg and put it behind his head. Then he opened his legs revealing his "stuff." I will never unsee this. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29995

You deserved it

2556

Favorite

By FirstKiss - 13/7/2009 15:00 - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss at a party. Later, I was told that the guy had been dared to kiss the ugliest girl in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77592

You deserved it

6655

Favorite

By fatandsad - 3/1/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26985

You deserved it

9940

Favorite

By lostinthewoods - 30/5/2019 04:00

Today, while hiking, my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, we discovered we were on the wrong side. We had to hike 13 extra miles to go around the mountain to get back to our car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1727

You deserved it

332

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/1/2012 18:06 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. When I leaned in on him, he fell over backwards and smashed his head against the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29507

You deserved it

4073

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 08:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28404

You deserved it

4136

Favorite

By notpreggers - 15/4/2009 20:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was wearing a new 500 dollar dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted 500 dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55810

You deserved it

28748

Favorite

By Pat - 22/9/2020 04:01 - United States - Buffalo

New relations

Today, I found out my newly-divorced father is now going to marry my girlfriend's mother. Tough situation here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1131

You deserved it

Favorite

By ugly? - 20/9/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, at work, a weird old woman came up to me and told me that it's okay: being ugly isn't a choice, it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that it's what inside that counts. She then hugged me and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33202

You deserved it

3007

Favorite

By musicaddict - 10/3/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, the cute boy in my biology class I had been crushing on invited me over to study for a huge test. Once I got to his house, I really had to use the bathroom. I ended ending up taking a huge dump and clogging up his toilet. He had to come plunge it for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77195

You deserved it

24140

Favorite

By Lala - 8/12/2015 08:30 - United States - Denver

Today, a guy for whom I did a design job told me he would only be able to pay me in 3 weeks. I told him that it was OK, as long as I didn't have to follow him around to collect my money. "Don't worry, I know the feeling," he said, "I used to run an illegal business." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22397

You deserved it

2148

Favorite

By egsrox95 - 1/11/2017 00:30

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3713

You deserved it

312

Favorite

By Geewizz - 5/4/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend that she was tanning naked. I replied saying I wished I was there to make tanning more fun. She replied saying that its ok because Kevin was there. My girlfriend was tanning naked with another guy over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79304

You deserved it

4685

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/9/2012 19:10 - United States - Clinton

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25963

You deserved it

4740

Favorite

By regrub - 10/1/2010 09:14 - United States

Today, ignoring the unspoken rule of not entering the bus when the driver's not inside, I went in while he was taking a break. As I stepped inside, he reached in the window and pressed the "close-door" button. It closed on my hand. Everyone at the bus stop laughed as I yelped in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8337

You deserved it

29545

Favorite

By weep weep weep - 12/3/2012 03:04 - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26828

You deserved it

3807

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/7/2019 04:30

Today, it was the first day after my promotion. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that I was promoted so quickly. I figured it was because of all the hard work and overtime I'd put in. However, my coworkers figure I'm just sleeping with the boss, and constantly glare and snicker behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1804

You deserved it

156

Favorite

By Ryan - 7/2/2010 14:18 - France

Today, I cut my finger at work while chopping some vegetables. I grabbed the nearest rag I could to stop the bleeding and put it on the cut. I didn't know the rag had just been used to clean up a lemon juice spill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38357

You deserved it

4018

Favorite

By loser - 31/7/2012 14:21 - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27391

You deserved it

2502

Favorite

By Eres - 11/2/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom took away my medication. She's afraid I'll get "hooked". The medication is anti-anxiety pills. I have horrible anxiety attacks that sometimes cause me to scratch my arms until they bleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41052

You deserved it

4488

Favorite

By LarissaT18 - 2/2/2014 16:13 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, the highlight of my day was when I figured out that my little brother's toy dump truck could actually dump stuff out. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39499

You deserved it

7696

Favorite

By figgy - 29/11/2010 10:46 - United States

Today, I was working in a deli when I cut more meat than I intended; I basically removed my fingerprint via the deli slicer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30168

You deserved it

6066

Favorite

By mster233 - 9/10/2010 03:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents like rough sex. I found the whip and handcuffs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33189

You deserved it

5771

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/11/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34615

You deserved it

5821

Favorite

By deadman - 16/8/2013 01:06 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my mom came into my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Due to the routine of my girlfriend doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother/son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go". FML

I agree, your life sucks

38555

You deserved it

30024

Favorite

By badmom - 25/2/2012 11:25 - Ireland

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37986

You deserved it

8627

Favorite

By Why - 3/9/2015 19:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29843

You deserved it

1809

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/3/2016 23:43 - United Kingdom - Broseley

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18628

You deserved it

1527

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 19:49 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47367

You deserved it

3801

Favorite

By leastitwasntsurpriseanal - 22/8/2014 20:26 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the living room. I jumped up and went running, only to find out it was my mother, who'd screamed at some dramatic plot twist in a Sex and the City episode. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40287

You deserved it

3487

Favorite

By dude i am so sorry - 19/9/2016 19:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

I agree, your life sucks

13236

You deserved it

4182

Favorite

By VahnSeiro - 20/2/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32250

You deserved it

2715

Favorite

By doubledown - 4/6/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52075

You deserved it

3424

Favorite

By StaplerScared - 8/11/2011 14:39 - Canada

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32171

You deserved it

8885

Favorite

By cAPITOLpORN - 23/6/2015 15:57 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, my grandmother ripped her pants. We all got a big view of her pink thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26146

You deserved it

2191

Favorite

By Liz - 27/9/2010 19:30 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16367

You deserved it

39841

Favorite

By STUPID BIRTHDAY - 5/3/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

103887

You deserved it

6893

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 03:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25799

You deserved it

10518

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By CattyPurry | 0

#3037586 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

you should have yelled back "are you still 60?" (:

By bigbadtim | 7

#3037587 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

Your dad is funny.

COMMENTS

By CattyPurry | 0

#3037586 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

you should have yelled back "are you still 60?" (:

RouletteRed | 6

#3037808 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:14

Melissa you took that right outta my mouth xD. I'm just glad someone said it lol.

dolphincheddar | 10

#3037864 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:24

My dad does that to me all the time, it's a joke, it's funny, get over it.

jayalexander | 7

#3038170 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:11

cowboy butt sex!!!!

PawsUp_fml | 2

#3038575 - Thursday 4 August 2011 18:33

Hopefully she doesn't back up on him Guns Hot lol

juicedboi | 7

#3039483 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:40

There you go ladies, you always complaining about bachelor entry. Just say you have diharrea. It will stop about 7.2% of us from trying at least.

juicedboi | 7

#3039535 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:56

Talk about typos... you're, and backdoor..

JustHello123 | 1

#3041258 - Friday 5 August 2011 2:51

Haha gotta love your Dad, always ruins the chances for you to get laid ha!

Tommananaze6T9 | 4

#3041394 - Friday 5 August 2011 3:19

i think he is too

iPoopMusic | 0

#3042637 - Friday 5 August 2011 7:40

I think it's funny. My dad just sits on the couch watching tv all day :/

MagicGiraffe | 12

#3043813 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:03

Girls poop?

By bigbadtim | 7

#3037587 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:55

Your dad is funny.

eminemchick | 19

#3037919 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:33

The sun is hot.

bigbadtim | 7

#3038121 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:02

Rain is wet.

HappyCynic | 0

#3038124 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:02

I'm wearing pants.

jren207 | 24

#3038179 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:13

I'm not wearing any pants.

jayalexander | 7

#3038182 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:13

Damn 39 I was bout to say that shit!

mustardhippo | 4

#3038526 - Thursday 4 August 2011 18:22

Poo is squishy

DalekScythe | 0

#3039555 - Thursday 4 August 2011 21:03

holy crap #2! you know what Daleks are (the profile pic)?!?!?!?!?! to OP: srry op you know how dads can get.

BlueCereal | 2

#3039801 - Thursday 4 August 2011 22:56

Sounds like something my dad would do xD just tell your date that your dad is a clown and it's not true

hemz_fml | 13

#3040536 - Friday 5 August 2011 0:55

yea that was hilarious

saraitkddh | 47

#5725280 - Tuesday 22 October 2013 0:50

dad strikes again

By BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3037589 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:56

It's a father's duty to embarrass their children, let him enjoy his moment.

smileyxo4 | 5

#3042608 - Friday 5 August 2011 7:33

3- I read your profile, and I want to see your aqua eyes(:

BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3043843 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:13

O-o

pdp_fml | 21

#3043877 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:29

It sounds like something I might say to my daughter too!

sulitak | 26

#5439783 - Monday 8 April 2013 9:40

yeah, My Dad told one of my boyfriends that our Maine Coon cat was part raccoon. apparently my ex was really dumb. he proceeded to ask how we knew.

By 88yasha | 7

#3037603 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:57

Wow that's some nice dad you have there. Your life does suck.

By Perksofbeingawal | 0

#3037612 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:57

I wish I had diarrhea right now. I've been constipated for like a month...

TheMasticater | 9

#3037654 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:59

W...t...f...

missyj0 | 12

#3038354 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:47

There's always the chocolate flavored laxatives. :D

Ugi | 26

#3038578 - Thursday 4 August 2011 18:34

6 - I really could have managed without knowing that!

koolkat27 | 13

#3043911 - Friday 5 August 2011 11:48

I couldve gone my whole life without knowing that #6.

duckman9 | 54

#3051873 - Saturday 6 August 2011 16:49

Call a plumber!

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#3052905 - Saturday 6 August 2011 21:01

Thanks 133! I did call a plumber and now everything's clear. :)

By katialovesfml | 0

#3037617 - Thursday 4 August 2011 15:57

Just explain to your crush how your dad thinks he's funny easy. All dads do that

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#3037677 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:00

Lmaooo hahahaha bro give me some sympathy. :(

polkadots123 | 2

#4342917 - Monday 23 April 2012 8:30

Woooooooow tmi tmi tmi

By coltsrock37 | 15

#3037685 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:01

This is where you yell back, "You got an STD where?!?"

EmreArslan | 11

#4228701 - Wednesday 28 March 2012 22:16

And her dad would scream back:"from your mom!". Bet the guy wouldnt want to have sex with her anymore... Victory for dad!!!

By FMLephant | 2

#3037736 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:05

Diarrhea cha cha cha

Jovecove | 13

#3038164 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:10

I have no idea why I find this comment hilarious lool

jren207 | 24

#3038188 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:15

37, Same.

immataco | 9

#3050551 - Saturday 6 August 2011 9:34

I laughed more at the comment than at the post :D

By Glitterhinoceros | 14

#3037755 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:07

That's where you excuse yourself and go beat him with a broom

sexybabe13 | 0

#3046316 - Friday 5 August 2011 19:10

Haha message me

By MRVOlivia | 22

#3037818 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:17

HOW DOES SHE DESERVE IT?!?!?!?!

fightingkittens | 39

#3038097 - Thursday 4 August 2011 16:59

Quickly publish something that will, in response to the comment. Otherwise the Nazis will come after you

jren207 | 24

#3038201 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:17

19, Maybe the dogs died of violent diarrhea.