By massachusettsan - United States - Monomoy Island

Guitar Porn

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

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Family values

Lockdown is driving us down

Buzzing the tower

By shaverguy - United States

Today, I got an electric shaver hoping that it would reduce the risk of cutting myself than shaving with a manual one. However, I cut myself opening the plastic package with the shaver inside. FML

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By annoyedgirl - United States - Ephrata

Today, I was forced to work with someone I absolutely hate. I then found myself starting to like him, until he shot me in the forehead with a stapler gun. FML

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By lovegame - Singapore - Singapore

Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML

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By tenthousandspoon - New Zealand

Today, at work, a three year old chucked a chocolate bar at me. It hit me square in the face. Her father praised her for her "quality arm." FML

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By exasperated - United States - Houston

Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories sake". FML

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By pornhastaughtmenothing - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized just how bad I am in bed when my girlfriend literally yawned the words, "Oh God" while attempting to fake an orgasm. FML

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By minaaaaajftw - Norway - Jessheim

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML

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By MystoganFT - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

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By Casey - France

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

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By Worthless Waste of Skin Who Hates Himself - Georgia - Tbilisi

Today, I finally got the courage to talk to this coworker I like and ask her out for a coffee next door. She was dismissive, cold and rude, and filed a complaint with HR. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I drop it off as usual. But my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6year old patient. FML

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By KaityK - United States

Today, I let my little sister play a game using my Facebook account. She then accepted all of the people that had sent me a friend request. Among them included my boyfriend's crazy ex, and 3 people I've never met. Now I'm getting strange messages from all of them. FML

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By Alien - Switzerland

Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML

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By sparkynobe - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a co-worker asked me what meat we use for the drumsticks. We work in a chicken factory. This co-worker also thought that spreading out the chicken wings more evenly in the tray would increase the overall weight of the product. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML

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By fuckwank - United States - Red Oak

Today, I offered to help out at my grandpa's farm, and he had me load buckets of water into his trunk. When he came by and saw me struggling to lift a bucket, he sneered, called me a moron for filling it up before putting it in the truck, and told me to just go home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sticky

Today, I read that using vegetable oil would give your legs a smooth feel, especially if you haven't shaved for weeks. So I tried it out. My legs felt slimy, the oil clogged up the blades, and I was reduced to shaving my legs with a naked razor head and soapy water. Endlessly smooth indeed. FML

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By sqquish - United States - Smithfield

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

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By Hairy_Potter - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

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By unemployed - United States - The Colony

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

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By jaderie - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who's a bit older than me, introduced me to his daughter. I was expecting a toddler. Nope, she's a year older than me. FML

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By Nylo

Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML

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By luroluro - United States

Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband and I were getting busy on the living room couch when my mother-in-law stopped by and let herself in with a key we didn’t know she had. She then demanded an apology like it was all our fault and stormed out. I still don’t know why she came by. FML

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By iVaughtTV - United States

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

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By Terrible Boss - United States

Stability

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

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By wot02 - United States

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

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By julie24 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

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By KillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, on my first day of being a trainee teacher in a classroom, I told a boy to stop using that stupid accent or else I'll give him a detention. Turns out he just moved here from Romania. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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By hollysofly - United States

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

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By PerpetuallyHappy - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

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By calidreaming - Japan - Osaka

Today, as I got off the bus, I saw a girl counting her change making sure she had enough for the ride. Since it was my last stop for the day, I offered my day pass to her. She replied, "Get away, freak." FML

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By Loser - United States

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

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By tukkies - South Africa

Today, my friend and I offered a hot girl a lift home from campus. I was sitting in the passenger seat and she climbed in behind me. As I adjusted my seat forward to give her more leg room, my friend pulled off - slamming my seat back into her legs. FML

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By Official_Person - United States

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

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Top comments

By BradTheBrony | 19

#5987492 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:27

I fail to see the problem.

By mmaalouf97 | 12

#5987488 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:26

hard much..?

COMMENTS

By mmaalouf97 | 12

#5987488 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:26

hard much..?

Reply

DarksideDoll | 31

#5987610 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 11:25

Gotta love cheap thrills.

Reply

Helpfulman | 17

#5987899 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 17:37

Guitar Hero is the shit.

Reply

LeBoss2001 | 5

#5988407 - Thursday 26 June 2014 0:29

I see what u did there #1 :D

Reply

pooldude | 24

#5990082 - Friday 27 June 2014 17:52

Yah, it was not that hard to see #75!

By luke_preston | 11

#5987489 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:27

Sorry, but your life does suck OP

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#5987525 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:39

Duuude on an FML? Duuuude

Reply

fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#5987532 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:44

14, your profile picture gets me every time.

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#5987540 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:48

Sorry bugs

Reply

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5987847 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 16:18

Gee, I wish there were a button to express that sentiment.

By BradTheBrony | 19

#5987492 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:27

I fail to see the problem.

By Sebastian2022 | 22

#5987493 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:27

I bet you are a great guitar player. :D

Reply

coklara | 15

#5987949 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 18:29

*guitar HERO player

Reply

WD_Stevens | 22

#5987990 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 18:57

Very true, 61. Paul McCartney's children have beaten him at Guitar Hero and he's just said 'Well, I wrote the originals so nyerh.'

By Mr_Brightside209 | 12

#5987495 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:28

be grateful, excessive masturbation is a real problem here in america...

By ConstantlyAnna | 8

#5987496 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:29

I have the same problem when I play too! Maybe we should play together?

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#5987569 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 9:03

Do you need some water because....

Reply

juan3611 | 14

#5987583 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 9:35

The thirst, it's real.

By Vgthtju65u | 4

#5987497 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:29

Maybe guitar hero is the one for you

By Fredbluewhite | 9

#5987501 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:30

You should by a real guitar

Reply

fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#5987530 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:42

You should by a real education.

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#5987561 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 8:43

You should buy a vowel. Perhaps "u" would suffice.

Reply

dreamweaver1227 | 11

#5987597 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 10:11

Oh God, the irony.

Reply

massachusettsan | 7

#5988197 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 20:58

#8 i do

Reply

mattyiscool123 | 26

#5988271 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 22:25

Let's start by spelling buy correctly, and then go from there

By kelsorg | 21

#5987502 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:30

brings guitar hero to a whole new level. fyl, you might need a new hobby.

By cassiemarie1023 | 5

#5987510 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:33

Well you're easily pleased.