By massachusettsan - 25/6/2014 00:07 - United States - Monomoy Island

Guitar Porn

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

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Rock, hard place

Season finale

Race against the clock

By BadDay - 20/9/2016 05:04 - Australia - Beerwah

Today, being a little stressed, I managed to lock my keys inside my car. I was taking this fairly calmly until, while waiting for roadside assistance, I overheard another woman in the same carpark say, "No, of course I didn't lock my keys in the car! I'm not a COMPLETE idiot." FML

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By WeakBitch - 18/2/2018 15:00

Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 05:12 - Canada

Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML

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By poormanslucyliu1 - 7/11/2016 02:28

Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

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By poppet2010 - 17/1/2010 15:58 - France

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML

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By qwerki4 - 28/10/2015 19:29 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was coming home from work and saw an old couple overwhelmed by the number of people at the train station. It was peak hour and I decided to help them. As I went up to them, they said, "Get away, go mug someone else". FML

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By tubby - 21/6/2012 20:28 - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, my friend showed off her new tattoo, which is supposed to say "bad bitch" in Italian, and I had to point out that it actually says "defective female". Her response was to cuss me out and inform me that I'm no longer part of her social circle. FML

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By 12693 - 24/10/2012 17:35 - Australia - Perth

Today, there was a horrible smell in my kitchen. I tried to find the source, but failed and had to leave for the day. That night, my brother informed me that the smell was coming from a dead mouse stuck in our toaster. FML

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By KHAAAAA-RMA!! - 10/5/2014 21:32 - United States

Today, I found a bird that had fallen from its nest, so I made a new nest for it in a shoebox and put it as close to the old one as possible. When I checked back on it later, all I found was a chewed-up corpse. FML

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By failure - 12/7/2012 16:08 - United States - Hector

Today, in the middle of my online midterm, my computer decided to update and closed out of the test. It can't be retaken. FML

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By Saradee - 24/12/2012 04:55 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

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By Rich - 26/11/2011 20:50 - United States

Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2016 19:27 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my coworker cornered me in the office bathroom and insisted that, because she's been watching me, I use the bathroom too quickly and must not be washing my hands, and that I have to wash them from now on. FML

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By Miffy - 4/9/2018 23:00 - United States - San Augustine

Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML

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By rofld - 14/7/2010 16:47 - United States

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

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By Username - 10/7/2012 15:27 - United States

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

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By rawr - 30/10/2019 18:00

Losing my mind

Today, I managed to lose a 3XL fleece jacket in my house, which had my wallet and car keys in it. I had the pleasure of explaining this to my boss when I had to call in, after everyone I called did not respond. FML

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By jenA - 12/7/2012 02:40 - United States

Today, I got a sweet promotion at my job. Instead of being happy and celebrating with me, my boyfriend broke up with me because he is jealous that I'm more successful than he is. FML

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By inder - 25/2/2011 16:03 - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By ryanlogan - 31/8/2011 06:31 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

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By overpriced coffee shop worker - 17/11/2012 18:35 - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, while working at the coffee shop, I had to empty the garbage cans. One of the bags gave way, and all the half-finished cups of coffee spilled all over my uniform. Most customers' orders cost more than I make per hour. FML

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By TicketMePink - 20/5/2016 05:57 - United States

Today, an officer ticketed me for texting while driving. Apparently, getting dumped costs $180. FML

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By onebadwave - 21/8/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a smart idea to walk out on the pier while the waves were 6 feet tall. I was having fun getting "splashed" by the waves crashing over until one wave knocked me over and dragged me 20 feet across the hard concrete pier. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2019 07:00 - Colombia - Bogot?

Any damage? Who nose?

Today, it's the seventh day after my nose job. I was taking something out of a box and pulled too hard. I punched myself in the nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML

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By Beewwwbs - 9/11/2018 19:00 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I'm on a pill that "may cause breast tenderness". My 32E breasts took that to mean swell up a size, become heavy as lead, be so sore I can't move without a bra on, and stiffen my neck and back muscles so badly I thought I had an ear infection. This will last "a few weeks to months". FML

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By yeueid - 31/3/2016 22:24 - Estonia

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

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By shitbucketsfilledwithshit - 8/10/2015 16:04 - United States - Spring

Today, while walking home after a night of partying, I saw a thin, bald person in a suit looking at me from across the street. I got flashbacks to the Slender Man, screamed like a little bitch and ran. Then I realized I'd just humiliated myself in front of some random guy waiting for a bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2013 22:50 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 05:15 - Canada

Today, after taking my clothes out of the washer, I noticed at the very bottom of the washer my boyfriend's USB stick I found a couple of days ago. The USB stick contains his English essay, and his novel he has been working on for almost six months. FML

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By wallamanut - 14/12/2014 07:50 - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

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By Jelly_Hell - 3/11/2016 20:24

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

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By samrodpuertorico - 13/2/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with my friend and his family. I went to the men's room at the same time as his father, and as we peed next to each other in adjacent urinals the father looked over at me and said "Don't worry, I've seen smaller." FML

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By batgirl - 20/11/2008 12:55 - France

Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML

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By fire - 15/3/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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By TimJack18 - 4/1/2015 23:14 - United States - Whiteville

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2010 17:12 - Canada

Today, I went to visit my parents after 4 years of not seeing them. They moved without telling me. FML

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By ohdear - 3/1/2010 18:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed my drunk grandmother attempting the Single Ladies dance, complete with hip gyrations and ass slapping. FML

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By Sodge - 15/5/2009 10:20 - Australia

Today, I was impressing dinner guests by spinning my new baby in the air (something she loves), when she projectile vomited over the dinner table and the guests. My wife, who had spent three hours cooking was not impressed. Once of the guests was also a sympathy spewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2015 14:02

Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML

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Top comments

By BradTheBrony | 19

#5987492 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:27

I fail to see the problem.

By mmaalouf97 | 12

#5987488 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:26

hard much..?

COMMENTS

By mmaalouf97 | 12

#5987488 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:26

hard much..?

Reply

DarksideDoll | 31

#5987610 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 11:25

Gotta love cheap thrills.

Reply

Helpfulman | 17

#5987899 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 17:37

Guitar Hero is the shit.

Reply

LeBoss2001 | 5

#5988407 - Thursday 26 June 2014 0:29

I see what u did there #1 :D

Reply

pooldude | 24

#5990082 - Friday 27 June 2014 17:52

Yah, it was not that hard to see #75!

By luke_preston | 11

#5987489 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:27

Sorry, but your life does suck OP

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#5987525 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:39

Duuude on an FML? Duuuude

Reply

fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#5987532 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:44

14, your profile picture gets me every time.

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#5987540 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:48

Sorry bugs

Reply

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5987847 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 16:18

Gee, I wish there were a button to express that sentiment.

By BradTheBrony | 19

#5987492 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:27

I fail to see the problem.

By Sebastian2022 | 22

#5987493 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:27

I bet you are a great guitar player. :D

Reply

coklara | 15

#5987949 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 18:29

*guitar HERO player

Reply

WD_Stevens | 22

#5987990 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 18:57

Very true, 61. Paul McCartney's children have beaten him at Guitar Hero and he's just said 'Well, I wrote the originals so nyerh.'

By Mr_Brightside209 | 12

#5987495 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:28

be grateful, excessive masturbation is a real problem here in america...

By ConstantlyAnna | 8

#5987496 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:29

I have the same problem when I play too! Maybe we should play together?

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#5987569 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 9:03

Do you need some water because....

Reply

juan3611 | 14

#5987583 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 9:35

The thirst, it's real.

By Vgthtju65u | 4

#5987497 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:29

Maybe guitar hero is the one for you

By Fredbluewhite | 9

#5987501 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:30

You should by a real guitar

Reply

fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#5987530 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:42

You should by a real education.

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#5987561 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 8:43

You should buy a vowel. Perhaps "u" would suffice.

Reply

dreamweaver1227 | 11

#5987597 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 10:11

Oh God, the irony.

Reply

massachusettsan | 7

#5988197 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 20:58

#8 i do

Reply

mattyiscool123 | 26

#5988271 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 22:25

Let's start by spelling buy correctly, and then go from there

By kelsorg | 21

#5987502 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:30

brings guitar hero to a whole new level. fyl, you might need a new hobby.

By cassiemarie1023 | 5

#5987510 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 7:33

Well you're easily pleased.