By Bliggins - 28/11/2012 03:08 - Canada - Winnipeg
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Sometimes I guess people can be in such denial they think getting hitched will "cure" them, even though it isn't something needs curing and not something that can be anyway. I'm completely supportive of gay right, but this was just selfish and hurtful. He is basically friend zoning her after they are married...not that OP should even want to stay in the friend zone...
Exactly. If you haven't experienced the kind of homophobic sentiment or actions that lead to people remaining in the closet for years, whether it's from Christian right wing parents, or having people around you agree with the Ugandan death penalty for gay people, or being the victim of gay bashing, you'll realise it's not that simple.
17-I have gay friends. I know it's not easy to be open about sexual orientation that goes 'against the grain', however what this person did was selfish. Rather than being honest with his/herself and saving OP the pain and heartache, he/she chose to continue the deceptive path that led to this. I have a few friends with very conservative families. They just choose to stay "single" instead of lying to a person that genuinely believes that they have a future all for the sake of appeasing outsiders.
I'm gay myself. Trust me, sometimes it's not a case of trying to lie to other people, but actually lying to yourself. And sometimes you can manage to lie to yourself about things like this for a very, very long time. Is it really that selfish to try and find happiness? Some people genuinely do think they can change, which leads to heartache like this.
Sadly, they convince themselves that getting married will "cure" them (not realizing that homosexuality is neither acquired nor a choice). When the big day comes and he or she magically hasn't lost their sexual orientation, first comes panic, then depression, then outting. I feel bad for both people here.
I'm not saying what he did was the right thing to do, but when you understand the myriad of reasons that drive people to closeting themselves and trapping themselves in loveless relationships, it becomes understandable, for me at least. I see it as being an FML for both of them. For her, she gets her heart broken and he had to make the decision to either break her heart or carry on lying to both of them for the rest of their lives.
You know, that's the kind of attitude that leads to closeted gay people spending years or even decades in heterosexual relationships and marriages. I wouldn't call him a heartless jerk. He should have come out sooner rather then later, but at least he's coming out now and not after ten, twenty, forty years of marriage.
How do you know anything about his/her situation? They might have had abusive controlling religious parents and been brought up to utterly despise themselves unless they got married to someone of the opposite sex and had children, for a start. Or experienced homophobic harassment and assault for years. For some people, being gay just wasn't an option (for one thing, it's why almost half of all homeless youth are LGBT), and get ridiculous amounts of pressure to marry the opposite sex (and that isn't even going into things like religious honour killings). At the end of the day, at least OP's soon to be ex-spouse came out just after the wedding, rather then five or ten or thirty of marriage. Some people genuinely do delude themselves into thinking they can turn straight if they meet the right person.
Exactly. I live in a part of the world that for the most part seems pretty tolerant of gay people, but there's a whole underbelly of homophobic sentiment that's lurking just under the surface. For all the people who think the situation is as simple as "omg what a heartless jerk, how dare he lead you on", I'm guessing a lot of them have absolutely no idea what some gay people have to endure growing up and why they might lie to themselves to the point where they think they can turn themselves straight if they marry the right person.
Do you know what isn't right? The kind of events that lead to people remaining in the closet for years. Guilt is a powerful emotion, and attitudes like "omg heartless jerk, leading on poor op, what a nasty piece of work" is what leads to many people remaining in these kinds of relationships for decades. What if he or she stayed with OP for thirty years and had three kids with them, and then left them for a same sex lover. Would that be better?
Calm oceans of syrup, islands of pancakes, kittens made of croissants... Okay. Calm now. I'm just finding it a bit aggravating that so many people are being so black and white about this, when anyone whose spent years or even decades struggling to come to term with their sexuality can tell you, it's really not as easy as they like to think. The whole "op's spouse is an asshole, what a horrible thing to do to someone" really isn't helpful. Guilt is just another ingredient in the recipe for closeted gay people remaining in opposite sex relationships. And really, who does that help? Maybe if people weren't so hostile about situations like this, op's partner might have come out years ago, and op wouldn't have ended up getting hurt.
I'm probably going to get a tons more thumbsdowns from people for this, but as someone who struggled to make themselves straight and struggled with their sexuality for years (before anyone asks, no I did not get into a relationship with an opposite sex person), I can honestly say.... I only wish things were as simple as the people on this FML like to think.
I can see where you're coming from, Soylent, but despite the pressures OP's spouse may have had to endure, you cannot morally justify breaking another person's heart like this. I've had my fair share of struggles with identity - I've known for the past fifteen years I should have been born a boy, but only came out as trans this past February - but no matter what I've gone through, if I've hurt people with my actions, I've taken responsibility rather than trying to shift blame. Furthermore, nothing about OP's spouse is explained. We don't know if she/he/they had an abusive family, or if they simply didn't realise their orientation until recently. We cannot assume. What we can say, though, is that entering into a marriage, and then immediately coming out, is an extremely hurtful thing to do. I'm sure OP's spouse had their reasons. We just don't know what they are, so we focus on what little we do know.
I'm sorry for your struggles 71. I hope everyone who is important to you has accepted this new choice well and that try all love and respect you :) I agree with you. It is sad for OP to be married and be happy then find out that their partner has deluded themselves. But I do feel bad for the spouse.
As a gay man I find what OP's husband did offensive. It's the year 2012. Times have changed so much. there is absolutely no excuse to have a beard marriage and ruin an unsuspecting woman's life. 100 yeas ago? I could see someone doing this. 50 years ago? Yes. In the 1980s and 90s? I could slightly excuse that. Now? No. OP's husband had many many MANY options but was too scared to face them.
Op has to pay for a divorce or at the very least go though the process and will have to try and rebuild their life after this. I feel bad for the spouse. I really do, but OP can't be written off just because they don't have to deal with it 20 years and three kids down the road. It is MORALLY wrong.
66 - you keep beating the same drum over and over and OVER again, and its diminishing your points and making you come across as obnoxious. Which is unfortunate, because you make some valid points. The only one I really disagree with is the "coming out after decades of marriage" point. At that point in most marriages, the spouse knows something is up and is waiting and ready when the gay spouse finally comes out. Usually, from my experience, the gay spouse feels enormous guilt at "playing a role" for so long, but the straight spouse is at least thankful that the gay spouse waited until the kids (if any) were grown and is thankful for the honesty. Does it always work out that nice? No, but I personally find the situation that the OP is currently in more hurtful than enjoying a happy life with someone and later finding out the truth.
96, forgive me for being stupid, but is the point you made really "it's better to be lied to, have kids, and after years of happiness think your spouse is gay, only to have them tell you..."?? I mean, if I were in OP's shoes, I'd rather be told sooner than later. You can find someone else, it sucks that this happened, but at least OP isn't 20 years out of the dating game and trying all over from scratch.
I don't really understand the "ruining a woman's happy life" part. If it's built on someone desperately trying to change a part of themselves they can't change, how is it a happy life? I'd much rather have them tell me as close to the beginning as possible, then have a lifetime of someone staying with me out of guilt or obligation. Doesn't OP deserve the chance to go out and find someone who genuinely loves her for who she is, rather then someone whose lying to himself and to her? If you think this situation is devastating to OP, how do you think she'd feel if she found out after 30 years of marriage? At least now she has the chance to move on with her life and find genuine happiness, and no potentially waste several decades of her life on in an illusion of happiness.
106- You just proved the point we were trying to make all along. The spouse should have told OP SOONER, BEFORE they got married. Divorce would have been avoided, and OP could move on to someone else easier. The spouse's actions are not justifiable just because "it's hard". Tell sooner. Why do BOTH have to suffer?
He disowned his family? Sorry, no sympathy for him. Considering how many gay and lesbian couples are desperately trying to adopt but are being denied the chance to do so because of their sexuality, it's really disgusting that your uncle disowned his children. He has the right to find love with another man, but no right to disown the children he brought into this world. It's no better then a guy dumping his family for the office slut and writing his children out of his life.
Sounds like one hell of an FML for both of you. Let's face it though, at least you didn't find he'd been having anonymous affairs with other men ten years down the line when you had had a kid and with another one on the way. If only it had come before it had gotten this serious, because it's the sooner the better with these things. It just shows how the homophobia that exists today doesn't just damage gay people, it also hurts straight people as well. OP could have been spared a lot of pain if anti-gay sentiment wasn't still such a prominent part of mainstream society.
If only it was that simple. Then no one would have to be gay and have to deal with right wing crazies and pearl clutching cultural control freaks trying to meddle with their personal lives and trying to restrict their rights or potentially face torture or the death penalty in countries like Iran.
Do not call me a daft twat. My best friend in the whole wide world is a lesbian. And I absolutely love her to pieces. I meant counseling in a way as when you marry someone, you're supposed to be marrying your best friend. I was simply saying that maybe that can be saved. I've never been called such harsh names before on this site. Before you see something and completely run with it, try to see any and all meanings behind it rather than calling someone a daft twat. THAT is the most ignorant thing I have ever seen before!
70, let's say your lesbian friend marries a dude. Do you think marriage counselling with help with the fact that she isn't going to want his penis? I wouldn't marry my best friend. She's a doll and I love her, but I intend to marry my girlfriend, because I'm romantically and physically attracted to her.
God... people should not get married if they are questioning their sexuality.
That's horrible! Why would someone do that?! Wait until your officially together, THEN come out of the closet? What a heartless jerk. :(