Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in...

By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

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Intimacy

Banished

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Fairytale ending

By probablyfired - 25/7/2019 02:01

Today, I was running late for work. I was trying to find my car keys, then realized I'd left them in my boyfriend's car. My phone charger was locked in my car, and my phone was dead. I couldn’t get hold of my boss and explain what had happened. I’m fired, aren’t I? FML

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By Idiot on the bus - 25/3/2017 12:00

Today, I saw a beautiful girl on the bus. Struck up a good conversation, walked with her all the way to my office. Forgot to ask her name and number. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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By iharethissomuxh - 11/11/2010 05:30 - Canada

Today, I played a volleyball game at my school. Not only did I miss the winning point, the ball hit my face in the process, which resulted in popping a big fat zit on my nose. FML

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By ParkingGuy - 15/8/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant I decided to be nice and offer a woman free parking. I said, "give me a high five and I'll give you free parking since I already did the paper work." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paper work. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 21:22

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

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By GROSS - 7/3/2015 15:58 - Bangladesh

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

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By Clumsy - 4/8/2018 15:00

Today, while baby-proofing the stairs so that my toddler wouldn't fall, I slipped on his toy car, broke the brand new gate while grabbing it so I wouldn't fall down the stairs, and broke my wrist and a rib. My husband should mom-proof the house for me now. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:10 - Indonesia

Today, I found out my daughter has a higher paid job in the same company I work in. I also found out she is dating my boss. FML

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By TheBetterRedhead - 28/3/2017 12:00

Today, on my way home from grocery shopping, two young adults around my age came up and asked me for a lighter. Thinking they just needed it to light a cigarette, I handed them my only lighter. They immediately ran away. I got robbed for a 1.99$ lighter. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2014 18:51

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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By whaaaaat111 - 9/3/2013 12:04 - United States - Vienna

Today, while at the mall, a lady dropped her credit card while in line to buy something. I came over, picked it up and gave it to her just for her to shove it in my hand and scream, "She's stealing my wallet! My wallet!" The police came. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2013 18:03 - United States

Today, my school's theatre decided to produce Les Misérables. I got the part of Éponine. My boyfriend, being a talented performer, could have gotten any part he wanted. However, he only wanted to play the soldier responsible for killing Éponine. FML

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By pissed - 10/5/2015 14:34 - United States - Dearborn

Today, during a very stressful and busy day at work, I took a bathroom break. Unfortunately, of all the things on my mind, taking down my pants before emptying my bladder wasn't one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2009 05:23 - United States

Scared shitless

Today, I stayed after hours studying in the medical library. I was the only one left, and as I was leaving through the glass doors, I saw a person's reflection behind me. I screamed, jumped, fell into the doors, smashing my head. I'd actually seen the reflection of a medical demonstration dummy. FML

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By insurgent - 3/5/2016 08:31 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, I'm so lonely, I wrote my number on a desk at my university, hoping someone would text me. FML

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By raebay - 5/11/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

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By Ian - 18/4/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

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By sarahhbear - 17/11/2012 06:42 - United States - Bryan

Today, my older brother thought it would be hilarious to sneak up and scare me in the grocery aisle at the store. I screamed and jumped, knocking half the shelf's contents all over the floor. We're now banned from the only grocery store in town. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2015 02:22 - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

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By mookiemookie01 - 27/3/2014 22:34

Today, after years of frustration, I got a t-shirt printed that says, "I am a girl". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 19:11 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I found out that if I say "make a sandwich", it doesn't matter what context it's in, or whether it's a command or just me describing my day; I'll be yelled at anyway by my hipster roommate for being a "sexist cunt", then end up apologizing just to get her to shut up. FML

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By Sub - 4/12/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2014 12:34 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch, watching The Avengers with my 4-year-old daughter, who loves the Hulk. When Hulk finally showed up, she excitedly looked at me and screamed, "Hulk Smash" before slamming both of her fists into my balls. FML

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By anonymous - 25/10/2016 04:29 - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, I got a citation from my landlord because my puppy couldn't make it to the grass and peed in the shrubs. Later in the evening, I got a citation that my music was too loud. Until I'd submitted my 30-day notice yesterday, no one ever had a problem with me FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 16:17 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

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By shawty - 22/8/2010 12:14 - Australia

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

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By lukey101 - 13/8/2020 05:01

Someone needs a hug

Today, I was out to lunch when someone in the distance proposed to his partner. She said yes, everyone clapped and cheered. I, on the other hand, burst into tears and couldn't stop bawling for about half an hour. I'm a 32 year old man and don't even know the happy couple. FML

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By HotAsTits - 20/3/2011 20:31 - United States

Ah, young love…

Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 23:00

Zoomed out

Today, I had a low blood sugar attack and almost passed out during class while over Zoom, which my professor then decided to bring attention to by calling me out for "sighing" about the research paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2016 09:35

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 00:38 - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

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By OhaiiKid - 7/3/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 02:02

Stay classy, bro

Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 05:00

Manly men fighting

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and had a fistfight with a dumb teenager, which was bad enough, but he also lost the fight, which was just pathetic and embarrassing. FML

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By LGFLIPSTER - 31/8/2009 03:32 - Canada

Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

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By ...... - 16/5/2012 22:29 - United States

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

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By chumleevil - 8/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML

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By shastadoe - 6/8/2012 06:37 - United States - Los Banos

Today, my boyfriend told me he was a vampire. I burst out in laughter and said he was ridiculous. He looked at me in disgust and said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust and believe in him. I'm now single. FML

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By bananamuffin - 30/3/2012 19:13 - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By imanidiot - 19/4/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I ordered take out, and paid with a credit card. The cute cashier gave me the receipt to sign, and under 'tip' I gave a couple of dollars. I realized that I had given too much, crossed it out, and changed it. Unaware she was watching, She then responded, "Did you just lower the tip by $1?" FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7722491 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 3:43

Never get between a boy and his mum — you might rubber the wrong way!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7722492 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 3:48

"Do you mind, mother, I'm in the middle of someone right now--I mean something!"

COMMENTS

By jobtokyo | 8

#7722484 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 3:06

“Now hang on, I can do both.....What??”

By sunnyray812 | 42

#7722486 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 3:11

It happens. Could have been important.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7722487 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 3:23

Did you want him to put her on hold?

Maybe she gave him some handy tips.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7722491 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 3:43

Never get between a boy and his mum — you might rubber the wrong way!

WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7722535 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 7:40

GROAN. LMAO.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7722492 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 3:48

"Do you mind, mother, I'm in the middle of someone right now--I mean something!"

By Starstone Silvermoon | 3

#7722495 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 4:29

should have yelled out, NEXT

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7722508 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 6:00

Did... did he remain in the mood and was ready after? So many questions.

WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7722536 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 7:42

Inquiring minds want to know.

By Charlie Given | 22

#7722539 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 7:53

Follow up FOLLOW UP perverted and or inquiring minds want to know 😈

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7748686 - Sunday 6 January 2019 13:38

Honestly just creeped me out so much I left 😂😂

By GUYMAINE | 16

#7722632 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 11:02

definitely sucks but what if it was an emergency

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7722719 - Tuesday 13 November 2018 14:19

If you were able to get back in the mood and continue, oh well. Stuff happens. Now, if he answered in the middle of sex, that would be different.