Dog Fail

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

Not now!

Small town blues

Always ask for documentation

By Dumped - United States

31561

3375

Today, after 6 months of training and going to the gym every day, I realized that the only thing I've lost is $300 worth of gas. FML

By Anonymous - United States

23481

5073

Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered "Fucking tryhard." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cadillac

25703

3389

Today, I wore an expensive vintage blazer which I'd purchased at a market in Paris. Turns out my colleague has the exact same one, only hers is from a clearance rack at Target. FML

By arh - Australia - Newport

23600

8773

Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML

By ellie - Australia

30040

2472

Today, my boyfriend gave me the best birthday ever, then promptly broke up with me at midnight to get back with his ex, because he "didn't want to ruin my special day." FML

By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 20:00

So special

1764

108

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

By tdtf - Germany - Neuburg

15700

1486

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

By gonkc - United States

53698

15176

Today, one of my interviewers got so bored, he made a paper airplane out of my résumé. FML

By John - United States - Midway City

3672

556

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

1470

132

Today, for the second time in two months, the person in the bathroom stall next to me commented on how loud I pee. This time, she made racehorse noises. I'm now too self-conscious to pee in public again. FML

By likearacehorse - United States - Franklin Lakes

30530

3176

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

By Anonymous - United States

29657

2615

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

By sadcartoons - Canada

37019

5028

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

By Scaryman - United States

35186

4147

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

By lillymean - United Kingdom

28397

6089

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 08:01

Missed opportunities

1652

224

Today, my brother texted me a picture of his "upcoming disconnect" notice for his utility bill and asked if I could loan him the money to pay it. All I could give him was a picture of my "disconnected" notice. FML

By Tbelle

3438

417

Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML

By Anonymous - United States - La Crosse

27522

3909

Today, I work 732 miles away from my wife and three children, and I rarely get to go home. After giving up many hours of family time to work on my last home visit, I returned to work only to have my boss accuse me of stealing time, dock me 50 hours, and "review" my employment for termination. FML

By I'm over it - United States

23077

1526

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

By JustShutUp

13419

919

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

By notthedad - China

60350

5630

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

By tj85 - United States

44757

2586

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

31592

1633

Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML

By siikman313 - United States

38480

3930

Today, my wife tried to catch the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Afterward I informed her that only single women were supposed to do that, and she replied "I know". My wife told me that she was divorcing me at my sister's wedding. FML

By dwaggle - United States

58095

2741

Today, my English teacher kicked me out of class for being "rude and disruptive." In actuality, I had called her out for having blatantly used Google Translate for several example sentences, all of which sounded as if a semi-literate foreigner had constructed them. FML

By hackshack - Brazil - Porto Alegre

25383

3923

Today, I emailed my boyfriend from work. Out of habit, I absent-mindedly entered my department into the "From" field. My boyfriend didn't notice when he replied. Now my entire department knows I want to "drop to my knees and suck him when I get home." And he plans to "finish on my face." FML

By foolishgirl - United States

16860

73854

Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

44823

2892

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

By sexysue - United States

23883

5719

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

By Anonymous - United States

39029

7921

Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

By Chihuahuanope - United States - Lincoln

An Expensive Snack

6818

748

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk and thought it would be funny to spray himself in the face with pepper spray. I was in his drunken firing line too. After him vomiting and being blinded for a few hours, he was fine. I, on the other hand, had a terrible allergic reaction and got rushed to hospital. FML

By jayne_dhoe - United Kingdom

32607

5470

Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for our photocopier, it turns out that all faults are user errors, and it's now my job to 'idiot proof' the printer. The people I work for are all educated on a Master's / PhD level and are responsible for cancer patient treatment at a major hospital. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

3818

314

Today, I was reading a book in public. Some bastard stranger came over and started spoiling the plot for me. FML

By Spoilicious - Singapore - Singapore

28995

2851

Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML

By lil123 - Canada - Calgary

34773

2706

Today, it was my boyfriends birthday and I saw he was logged in on ooVoo. He sent me a request to video chat so I decided to take off all of my clothes to surprise him. Little did I know, his entire family was at his house and at the computer because he, "wanted to show them what a great girlfriend I am." FML

By Anonymous - United States

27073

75513

Today, during an exam, the guy next to me tried to cheat by looking at my test but was caught by the proctor. His defense was that no one would ever cheat off me. The proctor agreed and allowed him to finish the test. FML

By Speechless - United States - San Luis Obispo

38433

6274

Today, I was going to ask my parents for advice on how to get my ex-girlfriend back. I overheard them talking about how glad they were that their plan to break us up worked so well. I don't think I should ask for advice anymore. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36425

2641

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

By Notpunny - United States - Silver Spring

18107

7790

Today, I ran out of clean underwear and uncovered the pile of lingerie in the back of the drawer, none of which had been worn in over a year. Thanks, laundry day, for reminding me of how single I am. FML

By dumpedfornoreason - United States - Normal

2980

543