Dog Fail

Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Property law

Great speech, thanks!

By shaunaaa - 17/2/2011 10:39 - Australia

34226

5309

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2016 10:39 - United States - Lemon Grove

11369

7396

Today, I found out that the love of my life had been pleasuring himself to pictures of my ex-boyfriends. Yes, he's bisexual. He says it's ok because I'm dating him now. Great. FML

By Alisha-_- - 23/11/2018 03:00

3099

417

Today, I learned that my dad invested my entire college fund into some shady internet stock, despite my dire warnings about being careful. He told me not to worry as he'd done some research, and he guaranteed everything would be fine. Two hours later that same stock dropped almost 75%. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2017 20:00

6914

402

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

By Stuck - 12/2/2014 18:25 - United States - Evans

51595

5828

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

By Anonymous - 1/6/2017 18:00

5643

342

Today, my 45-year-old child of a mother made such a dramatic scene over finding a hair in her food that the initially apologetic owners ended up kicking my family out. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 20:37 - United States - Brookhaven

19203

1444

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 05:01 - United States

42164

3805

Today, due to the heat, I had a deadly asthma attack. Where was my inhaler? My dad pawned it for beer money. What did my dad do about my attack? Told me to quit being a Drama Queen. I had to go across the street and beg for a ride to the ER from my neighbor. FML

By asthmasucks - 19/9/2009 07:47 - United States

65046

3574

Today, I got a coworker at my new job in trouble, because he kept harassing me and asking me out, even after I clearly told him I wasn't interested. Turns out he's very popular around here, and everyone now hates me for being a trouble-maker and not "taking a compliment." FML

By friendlessatwork - 2/10/2012 18:27 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

27612

3685

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

By Anonymous - 9/10/2014 22:17 - United Kingdom - London

33490

6071

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 01:56 - United States - Ithaca

28736

2119

Today, my friend asked me for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. I've never done it before so I googled it, my own boyfriend happened to walk in and now isn't speaking to me. He won't believe me when I say it was "for a friend." FML

By howtobreakup - 11/4/2016 16:39 - United Kingdom - Worthing

21525

4255

Today, I got chewed out by my boss. Why? Because my coworkers haven't gotten their work done. Now I have to scan them their work for them to complete it. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 20:00

Responsibilities

1258

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

By wideawakeandinpain - 17/12/2011 11:09 - United States

31935

3102

Today, I had to work late. I missed the last bus so I called a cab. That was 3 hours ago. I called my dad for a ride. That was 2 hours ago. I guess I'm sleeping under my desk tonight. FML

By Wendizzle - 27/1/2012 05:35 - United States

31878

2752

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it... Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

By ceedee - 24/1/2010 02:14 - United States

13296

25377

Today, my sister started a full-time job with a good pay despite having no prior work experience and being a college freshman. Meanwhile, I've graduated with two degrees, have been working two jobs for the last five years, and still can't get a full-time position anywhere. FML

By Realworldred - 18/6/2015 03:50 - United States - Scranton

30744

3175

Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML

By Misterhippo - 2/9/2009 00:04 - United States

48933

3061

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2011 01:11 - Canada

42682

3737

Today, I was mugged in a public bathroom. All I had on me was a plastic sheriff's badge, so I gave it to them. They laughed me out of the restroom. FML

By the_lameo_geek - 21/10/2013 02:16 - United States - Albuquerque

39949

4015

Today, I was packing my son's lunch and we ran out of water bottles. I asked my 16 years old to run to the store. She didnt want to but gave me one she had. After dropping my son off, my daughter frantically told me she made a mistake. I sent my second grader to school with a bottle of vodka. FML

By badmom - 27/3/2009 18:42 - United States

90038

17902

Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML

By deuceaddict - 3/11/2017 21:00

3635

276

Today, I had a date over for the first time since I moved out. I made a beautiful dinner… for one of us. I'm so used to cooking for just myself that I only made one serving. FML

By :/ - 5/4/2015 00:44 - United States - Groton

30362

11062

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

By Anonymous - 9/4/2012 00:13 - United States - San Mateo

29201

6954

Today, I texted the girl I'm going to homecoming with in a couple days to say hi. The conversation started OK, but then morphed into her saying that she doesn't feel anything between us, and wants to stop being friends after the dance. I have to buy her dinner and a ticket, out of my own wallet. FML

By BURGERT0WN USA - 10/1/2016 19:46 - United States - Redmond

21229

2613

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

By John_Elvis - 9/4/2016 03:30 - United States - Valparaiso

22217

3467

Today, my mother brought home dinner for 4 people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

By weedvocate - 25/3/2020 14:02

All in the Family

1644

123

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because I'm too "high maintenance" during the holidays. Not to worry, though; he's willing give me another chance sometime after Valentine's day. FML

By Skyhopee - 24/12/2012 19:42 - United States

30879

6266

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

By horsefuck - 7/8/2015 12:51 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

27383

6816

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

By Neverthebride - 22/5/2009 22:21 - United States

62483

3801

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2015 12:26 - United States - San Bruno

34314

4341

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

By Noname - 16/1/2009 23:19 - Canada

11244

44889

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 14:58 - United States - Springfield

11353

72081

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

By Shiet - 10/2/2016 04:08 - Singapore

9781

21580

Today, I sat down to use the bathroom after a long day of work. My toilet, however, had other plans, as a spontaneous, ear shattering crack flooded the entire bathroom, soaking the outer carpet and shorting out my bathroom scale. FML

By Ferniferousfern - 20/8/2018 18:30

1858

122

Today, my boyfriend was seated in my section at work. As he sees me his face drops... he's on a date. He had forgotten I work there. I had to serve him and his date, and they didn't leave a tip. FML

By heshay - 28/10/2010 04:27 - United States

50585

3515

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 13:34

24500

2639

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

By dck128 - 29/8/2011 22:05 - United States

26505

3044

Today, I learned that taking a shower right before your house starts flooding is the human equivalent to washing your car right before it starts raining. Only much worse. FML

By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 05:00

Water, water, everywhere

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128