Love: Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking...

By Anonymous

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

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Love

BO Central

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Sister of the year

By Tomato

Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML

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By lean_mean_meme_machine - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

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By Grad Student

Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML

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By she knows - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my in-laws' house, and as I was walking to the living room I had my hands on the back of my hips supporting my back. My mother-in-law told me to stop because it makes me look pregnant. I'm 9 months pregnant. FML

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By Barking Mad - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

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By Robert - United States - Drummond Island

Today, I pulled my motorcycle into a wheelie when my crush drove by. She was the one who drove me to the hospital when I went over backward. FML

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By couch_potato

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

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By KindaLooksLikeCocaine - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

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By Jennifer H.

Time travel is possible… via hair salons

Today, I told my new hairstylist that I like Jennifer Aniston's look and that I'm trying to grow my hair out. She gave me the "Rachel" haircut. FML

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By pandroida - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. Just their ass." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

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By urinanalysis - Canada

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

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By chao - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of us getting married some day. She said she wasn't sure about me yet and that we may want to go in different directions soon. We've been dating for three years and I had the ring in my pocket at the moment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my boss threw me out of her office during a conference call for daring to correct her. The client fired the company because she subsequently got all the information on the call wrong, and plainly had no idea what was going on. From all the screaming, this is now all my fault. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

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By rukus - Canada

Today, I was was leaving the library when I noticed an elderly woman being mugged. I was about to leave on my bike, but promptly went to help her. After I managed to scare off the mugger, I helped her to her car. As I was heading back to my bike, I notice the mugger riding off on it. FML

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By facepalming all the way - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Saint-brieuc

Today, apparently when you tell a hairdresser, "A little off the sides," they hear, "A bowl cut, please, and make it look extra stupid." FML

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By babymomma - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

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By BirthdayBoy - United States - Madison

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML

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By theguy24 - United States

Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

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By yerbuagalapagos wonder - Ecuador

Today, I really had to use the airplane lavatory. After I'd finished, the flight attendants continuously sprayed air freshener for two minutes. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 17:01

So sorry I called you a dingdong

Today, I sent a draft email to my boss. The receptionist, thinking they were being helpful, forwarded it straight to the client. It's not ready for the client. I mean, it is NOT ready for the client. Really, really not ready for the client. FML

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By wowza - United States

Today, a boy I'm not even dating took it upon himself to tell me that we would never work out. Via text message. FML

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By birthdayfun - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My mom decided to wake me up by having our new, previously stray, cat thrown on top of me. I was awoken to two claws ripping across my face which needed 16 stitches to fix. Happy Birthday. FML

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By me:( - United States - Romulus

Today, I went to the grocery store with my husband, only to find that his ex-wife worked there. Then I found out he never actually divorced her. FML

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By bobo - Canada

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped - 7/4/2020 05:00

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 02:03 - United States - Pittsburgh

The past that suits you best

Today, I found out that sorting and deleting old unnecessary emails to free up space meant reliving the most horrific memories I've ever experienced. Worse yet, I have to keep certain old messages in case these things ever come up again. FML

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By "BunnysKitty"

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

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By doodler - United States - Hurst

Subconscious

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

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By Zora - Norway - Bergen

Today, while shopping, my six-year-old son threw a tantrum because I wouldn't buy him a video game. I ended up having to grab his arm and leave the store. He screamed that I was kidnapping him, at which point I was socked in the face and pinned to the floor by three bystanders. FML

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By Stixchop - United States

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML

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By Emma-Louise - France

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

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By ihatelife - Canada

Today, I was trying to listen to a phone message I'd received. I was excited because I'd been waiting for the coaches to call me back for tryouts for a week now. Trying to figure out how to listen to it, I ended up deleting it. FML

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By MJF

One step forward, two steps back.

Today, my boss thanked me for all my hard work and promised me a raise and a promotion. Shortly thereafter, she sent out a memo announcing she'd sold the company. The new owner immediately came in to "restructure." I got demoted. FML

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Top comments

By interesting33 | 36

#7618126 - Monday 2 April 2018 16:46

Autocorrect strikes again? Is your name Brad or Vlad? Because if it is something like Geoffrey it might be time to have a chat....

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7623668 - Monday 16 April 2018 19:58

Think it’s time to change your name. Or at least get a name badge.

COMMENTS

By interesting33 | 36

#7618126 - Monday 2 April 2018 16:46

Autocorrect strikes again? Is your name Brad or Vlad? Because if it is something like Geoffrey it might be time to have a chat....

GMSP | 18

#7623698 - Monday 16 April 2018 21:39

I prefer to say, "have a Chad" but ok

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7623668 - Monday 16 April 2018 19:58

Think it’s time to change your name. Or at least get a name badge.

By ravenb61 | 10

#7623669 - Monday 16 April 2018 19:59

Screw you Chad!

bkwusa | 15

#7627969 - Friday 27 April 2018 15:53

Well I'm pretty sure his wife is already doing that...

By octinate | 17

#7623705 - Monday 16 April 2018 22:20

Maybe she was talking about Chad the country?

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7623708 - Monday 16 April 2018 22:44

Will all the Chad's in the house please stand up?

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7623717 - Monday 16 April 2018 23:09

Let's hope it's a late April fools joke.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7623766 - Tuesday 17 April 2018 2:43

Whoa! That’s chad luck!

By donb23 | 23

#7623859 - Tuesday 17 April 2018 10:45

Early forgetfulness?

By nikkolaus | 15

#7623864 - Tuesday 17 April 2018 11:03

I recommend you speak with a lawyer immediately.

By Takegami | 22

#7624098 - Tuesday 17 April 2018 21:23

Get those divorce papers ready