By fml - 13/1/2020 07:00 - United States - Huntsville

Really!

Today, after receiving our marriage certificate, I told my wife about it. She responded with "fml". FML

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1730

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222

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Illustrated FML

There's no helping some people

Bad guy (duh)

The X Factor

By thanks..?

Today, my dentist said I have a good tongue. That's the best compliment I've gotten in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2238

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210

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By Ugh

Today, I got a job offer and was asked to come in at 5am for training. I sat there for about 2 hours before giving up. I was at the wrong site. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2160

You deserved it

2802

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kingston

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30304

You deserved it

2052

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By tehhotness - United States

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

I agree, your life sucks

102512

You deserved it

6752

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By phillyfan4life - United States

Today, I saw my dog sleeping, so I laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute. Only for her to wake up and bite my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17757

You deserved it

28362

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By oops - Netherlands - Nieuwe-niedorp

Today, after spending almost an hour in the dentist's waiting room, watching other people get called in for their appointments, I finally lost my patience and asked the receptionist what was taking so long. I'd forgotten to sign in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11474

You deserved it

48011

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By johnG - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27977

You deserved it

9848

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35097

You deserved it

9742

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By talt

Today, I went to the hospital for taking to many anxiety meds cause of a panic attack over my finals. They decided the best way to fix this will be to involuntarily commit me to psychiatric treatment for 72 hours... missing all my finals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2625

You deserved it

659

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By Emmpag - 2/2/2020 01:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

And then.....

Today, I bought my very first car that I spent years saving for. A few hours after I signed all the papers, I let my boyfriend go for a test drive. He totaled it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2173

You deserved it

744

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By H05T1L3 - United States

Today, I woke up at 10:30 feeling great and saying to myself, "Thank goodness it's the weekend!" I then realized it's Friday and I missed my final. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20870

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37088

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1637

You deserved it

127

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By Bartender - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35418

You deserved it

2614

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Can you hear me, Dave?

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1005

You deserved it

168

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By UnhappyLips

Today, the lip balms I ordered online finally arrived in the mail. After trying one out, my lips had an allergic reaction. It's a 4-pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6774

You deserved it

978

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 14:01

All kinds of wrong

Today, while at my friend's house, she had to leave the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I had "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. Then he left. I'm a gay guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1615

You deserved it

161

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I've been sinking into a deep depression, ignoring all my friends, and don't know what to do with my life anymore. This is all because I gave up Facebook for lent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17717

You deserved it

56241

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46887

You deserved it

3359

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By Anonymous

Today, I met my boyfriend's entire extended family at a party. All of them, including his dad, said I looked exactly like his mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4840

You deserved it

456

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By cinemasaddo - United Kingdom

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36530

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3520

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By looke27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought she was stronger than me so we arm wrestled. She won. I used both hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14211

You deserved it

37401

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By whyme - United States

Today, my friend and I were eating in my car in a McDonald's parking lot, when an angry, drunk man stumbled out of the restaurant and into his car. He then hit the McDonald's wall, turned around and sped straight into my car. I only bought it a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16651

You deserved it

1253

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By tramp - United States

Today, I met my brother's girlfriend. We got talking, and we got onto the subject of tattoos. I said how much I hated tramp stamps, and how they make girls look trashy. She said, "Like this?" and showed me hers. FML

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42231

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19518

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By 3Airwalk3 - Canada

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7952

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35962

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By typical - United States - Cheshire

Today, I fell down the stairs. My mom came running from the other room because she thought it was the dog. She rolled her eyes and walked away when she saw it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48132

You deserved it

4144

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By babybreath - United States

Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47000

You deserved it

10146

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By nikkei

Bullet = Dodged

Today, while paying for dinner, my card declined and my date immediately left. The waitress then ran my card again successfully. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3116

You deserved it

197

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By Wobblefat

Today, I was watching porn when I found a lookalike of my soon-to-be sister-in-law. She's attractive, so I enjoyed watching her getting it on by herself. Needless to say I did not finish as I saw another "lookalike" entering the room. I have now seen my brothers erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11836

You deserved it

4271

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22875

You deserved it

1956

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By I wasn't being clingy geez - United States - Anchorage

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being "too clingy". I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks and texted her first once. Guess that's still too much for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11169

You deserved it

820

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By Handyhusband - United States

If the women don’t find you handsome, they’ll at least find you handy...

Today, I installed a doggie door at my wife’s grandmother’s house. I was putting the door back on the hinges when I realized I had put it at the very top of the door instead of the bottom. I’m now trying to turn this hole into a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1312

You deserved it

2615

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By anon - United States - Edison

Today, I got hit by a car while walking into the hospital to visit my wife, who had also gotten hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62809

You deserved it

4847

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By Jetlagged

Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3433

You deserved it

1823

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went on a date with a girl my friend set me up with. I thought we got along great, until after dessert, when I asked if she'd be interested in doing this again. She just said, "Nahhh" then got up and casually left, stiffing me on the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48412

You deserved it

5484

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to pick me up and throw me on the bed. I rolled off and broke my collarbone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38461

You deserved it

4242

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By FML FML FML!!

Today, we had to do a scene from Romeo and Juliet. I was Romeo, and this really pretty girl was Juliet. When she found out she was with me, I heard her say "FML." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1931

You deserved it

147

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By Jmdezy - United States

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10747

You deserved it

24047

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By Allie - United States

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49918

You deserved it

26404

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By Stuckism - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44288

You deserved it

3537

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By Anonymous

Today, while bagging at a grocery store, a customer had me use some canvas bags he'd brought with him. This wouldn't have been a problem had they not reeked strongly of cat piss. FML

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3691

You deserved it

200

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7874030 - Monday 13 January 2020 16:36

Hand her divorce papers -- that'll make her day.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7874032 - Monday 13 January 2020 16:49

How long were you waiting for your marriage certificate if your wife is already regretting marrying you? Also, why does she regret marrying you?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7874030 - Monday 13 January 2020 16:36

Hand her divorce papers -- that'll make her day.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7874032 - Monday 13 January 2020 16:49

How long were you waiting for your marriage certificate if your wife is already regretting marrying you? Also, why does she regret marrying you?