Love: Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because... - FML

By Nick - United States

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

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Proactive

There's no helping some people

Mixed signals

By kb - United States

Today, my mother gave me a bottle of stool softeners as a gift at my baby shower. FML

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By Mrs. Terrified - United States

Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML

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By IBleedArbor - United States

Realistic

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

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By MADfml - United States

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

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By Clogged Nose - 19/3/2020 02:32

Smells like teen spirit of America

Today, I had to train a new guy whose body odor was killing me. After he'd left, I had to run two industry size fans to blow the stench out of my office. FML

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By Fuckedupmom

Ghost Shoes

Today, my 3-year-old daughter has been crying non-stop for an hour because she wants to take off her black shoes. She's not wearing any. FML

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By Jay - United States

Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML

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By dazzla08

Today, in front of my family, my brother's wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Everyone joked around and said I was next. Two weeks ago I found out that I'm sterile. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, one of my friends thought it would be funny to tell my psycho clinger of an ex that I still like her. It had only been a few months since she finally stopped stalking me. FML

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By Ignorant

Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Demopolis

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

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By what if I'm being eaten from the inside out? oh my god - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML

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By grounded. - United States

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

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By skatergrrrl - United States

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

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By druglord - 28/6/2020 14:10

Humorless parents are the worst

Today, I asked my parents if I could have their old Polaroid camera so I could take artsy pictures, but they got all defensive, because, "Polaroid pictures can’t be traced." So I jokingly said I was using it to take pictures of my drug cartel to have a record of my stocks, and now they think I’m some sort of drug lord. FML

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By Milked Richard - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

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By Jimbob - 28/9/2020 17:01 - United States - Austin

Facts, feelings…

Today, I went on a first date. It started out OK, but halfway through he began "debating" me, talking just like Ben Shapiro. I thought he was joking, or at least satirising the worst way you could talk during a date. I was wrong; he was serious. I'm still not sure what set him off, but I couldn't get a word in edgeways in after that. FML

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By shalara - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was walking down the street, when I saw a guy in front of me trip and fall forwards, and I quickly jumped forward to steady him. Apparently he thought he was being mugged, and threw his head backwards into my face, leaving my nose a bloody mess. FML

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By ballthlete - United States - Edmond

Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

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By Anonymous

Freak out!

Today, I woke up with a high fever. My two year-old decided today was the day she would have one of the largest tantrums she’s ever had and threw yogurt all over the newly-refinished floor, my fiancé, myself and our cat Sebastian. Sebastian was not impressed. FML

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By JPPUDLY - United States - Los Gatos

Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML

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By Not Wanted - United Kingdom - London

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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By Annie - United States

Waste

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Two minutes in, he goes, "Wow, this is strenuous" and stopped. I waited three years for this. FML

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By Professional

Today, I was fed up with things being taken from my room so I installed a key-locking handle on my door. I installed everything but the door knobs, and because I was worried that I would put the two of them on backwards, I closed the door to check. I'm now locked in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy''. Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML

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By manderpander21 - United States - Bronx

Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

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By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - United States - Meriden

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

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By wideman - United States

Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML

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By Hungrey - United States

Today, I admitted to my parents that I have an eating disorder. Instead of trying to help, my mom stared at me and said, "Duh". FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

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By Eyefreshener - United States

Today, I was at a friend's house. She has one of those automatic air fresheners, and I was amazed when it went off. To get a better look at it, I got real close to it. I saw a button and pressed it. The air freshener went off again, spraying nothing but my eye. FML

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By StillSingle - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

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Top comments

By videoCWK | 1

#45958 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:46

While she's sleeping, dye her skin purple and turn everything in the house upside down. How's that for change?

By lolol182 | 4

#45941 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:43

ewwww

COMMENTS

By lolol182 | 4

#45941 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:43

ewwww

Reply

Snow_Daisy | 7

#814362 - Monday 1 February 2010 3:31

lol my thoughts exactly.

Reply

TheSubhuman | 0

#1105846 - Sunday 18 July 2010 9:01

sounds sexy...

Reply

yuop77 | 0

#1339951 - Thursday 2 September 2010 21:09

ydi for dating a girl with a mullet

Reply

AriTheAirhead | 10

#2084434 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 4:56

yes, eww. yet for some reason I don't think that's true; that may be just a lane excuse to leave you. anyways, FYL. :(

Reply

Demotivator | 2

#2649546 - Thursday 9 June 2011 20:32

The change she was taking about is... She loves the vag

By flyhigh26 | 0

#45942 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:43

Haha femullet awesome, that sucks though. That's actually horrible of her to do that unless there were some more underlying issues.

By Ender_ | 0

#45946 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:43

Mullets are not my thing.

Reply

Jak0p | 25

#6180012 - Thursday 22 January 2015 5:43

I am no native speaker so I thought a mullet is some kind of mustache. I was really shocked by all the comments because no woman chooses to have a mustache, till I understood that it's all about her haircut :D

By Claeric | 0

#45950 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:44

Why would you even marry her with a mullet?

By videoCWK | 1

#45958 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:46

While she's sleeping, dye her skin purple and turn everything in the house upside down. How's that for change?

By zander09 | 0

#45960 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:46

Time to trade up then, innit?

Reply

Qwermy | 16

#5878562 - Friday 7 March 2014 21:00

"Innit". Why, you fucking chav, why?

By route95 | 0

#45963 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:47

Definitely a sign that she's lying. Sorry, dude

By maryann_massacre | 0

#45968 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:48

I hate to break it too you, but it's probably for the better.

By gumcuzzler | 0

#45969 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:48

Mullets are 100% disgusting..you should divorced her for looking so repulsive before she could get the chance to do the same to you.

By iLIAMMM | 0

#45981 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:51

A femullet? And you married her? Dear god.