Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing...

By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 01:49 - United States

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

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31341

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Intimacy

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Clocked

By FailedSalesman - 17/12/2016 17:39 - United States - Lewisville

Today, I was working at our garage sale with my dad. I sat outside for 2 hours, talked to three people, and sold nothing. My dad came outside and got angry at me, so I told him to give it a shot. He sold 3 things to the first guy who walked in. FML

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6924

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2019 20:00

Can't win

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

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2226

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145

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By Matt L. - 30/7/2020 14:02

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my car insurance called about "the car I hit" on Monday night. Monday, I'd gone to the girl I’ve been seeing for a month's house for chicken parm and to meet her parents. I parked on the street. Her dad ran into the back of my car, leaving a dent. I never got the chicken parm either. FML

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1600

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105

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By NickC - 28/11/2009 10:16 - Malaysia

Today, after burning all my past-papers, books and notes in celebration of finishing maths forever, I found out I have to re-take my maths exam to get the minimum grade for college. FML

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11204

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By tazthespaz - 29/12/2016 03:18 - United States - Comstock Park

Today, a telemarketer called my house phone and asked for my grandpa. We were having his wake. FML

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5072

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2015 10:18 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

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23128

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By Mikabe - 14/2/2011 18:51 - Sweden

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

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By Heartbroken - 20/6/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

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By woman - 17/11/2012 08:45 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I was singing in the shower, when some suds from my shampoo fell into my mouth and down my throat. I retched and sputtered for about two minutes before finally throwing up. FML

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22625

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By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

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1336

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

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24730

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By Richard - 25/6/2012 03:03 - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML

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26392

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By lovehurts - 14/10/2013 16:02 - United States - Wayne

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I like. We climbed a tree to watch the sunset, and as the sun went down, I kissed him. He fell out of the tree. FML

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53656

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By potatoes - 17/1/2012 03:16 - United States

Today, my dad got me to dance with him. After about a minute of waltzing to a song on the radio, he stepped away and said, "You smell bad. You need to take a shower." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2013 18:00 - United States - Fairview

Today, my kitten made it snow inside my house using a 12-pack of toilet paper. FML

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29057

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By Hth - 28/10/2008 00:13 - United States

Today, I farted A LOT during my exam, all silent so I figured I should be OK. Then I looked around and everybody was suffocating and giving me sly looks. I am now known to everyone in the department as SuperFart. FML

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18261

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By SaucierGirl - 12/8/2018 03:30

Today, I was told that since I've had only three or four periods since 2013, there's 60 periods worth of blood clotted in my uterus. They gave me medicine to make it all come out in one week. FML

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4016

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By housedoctor - 22/2/2014 11:01 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2014 05:38 - United States - Albany

Today, my 11 month-old son started viciously biting whatever part of my anatomy he can sink his teeth into. He thinks it is hysterical to latch on while I scream helplessly in pain for him to let go. FML

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41669

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By WOWreally - 25/9/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid and my husband says "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML

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By ShayanFCB - 20/10/2009 19:35 - United States

Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

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41901

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By Rollymouth - 2/9/2010 01:26 - France

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 11:44 - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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33342

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By apparentlyunsexy - 27/10/2011 04:00 - United States

Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving us all characters opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like "creepy" and "vulnerable". I got "extremely sexy". FML

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32094

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By Uh oh.... - 5/5/2019 16:00

Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML

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By tealsoda - 21/11/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, a friend convinced me that I should throw a big party and invite everyone to come. After fixing a ton of party food, I sat around and waited for my guests to arrive. No one did. FML

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36999

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By Grossed Out - 13/3/2010 10:35 - Australia

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

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38665

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By HomeAlone - 24/4/2016 04:45 - United States

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

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9834

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I came home to my family remodeling our (extremely) out of date bathroom. I was SUPER excited to help them get it done. I walked down the hallway and opened my bedroom door to find a huge, gaping hole in my wall and my room covered in dust. I had to sweep every surface in my room. FML

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24253

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By mannnnn - 8/7/2009 05:21

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

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47602

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend's dog, which he got even though he knew I was allergic, literally got in between us while we were having sex. He didn't stop and got mad when I did. Now I'm itchy. FML

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2852

You deserved it

321

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 07:37

Slight overreaction?

Today, my husband and I recently decided not to have kids, because neither of us like children. Learning this, my dad wrote me out of his will and my mother swore on the Bible in church that she’s never going to speak to me again until I obey God's word and start multiplying. FML

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2061

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2018 19:30 - United States - Greenville

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

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4933

You deserved it

1675

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By failedmusician - 3/6/2009 10:06 - New Zealand

Today, my band went to play a set for the first time. I'm the drummer. All was going well, and then before our first song I threw the sticks in the air, went to catch them, and one hit me right in the eye. I couldn't continue playing. Now I have to wear an eyepatch. FML

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15683

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2018 01:30

Today, I sneezed without knowing I had a nosebleed. Despite turning my head, a fine blood spray shot out all over my fiancée’s white dress as we were standing at the altar. She refused to say “I do” because she was so mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4930

You deserved it

530

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By CyberHex305 - 1/4/2017 16:00

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

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4984

You deserved it

467

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 04:29 - United States - Bentonville

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

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34875

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 09:39 - United States

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

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27520

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By HelenErutherford - 9/7/2018 01:30

Senpai Noticed

Today, my period started. It wouldn't be a big deal if it hadn't happened while I was in my karate class practicing kicks, and if the guy I have a crush on hadn't informed me of it after chuckling. FML

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4107

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Top comments

By seanseansean321 | 0

#857430 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:32

time to ditch her and find you a new lady :/

By Laurendorcus | 0

#857476 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:42

You should get her saying that on tape and play it back to the judge during your divorce hearing. :-)

COMMENTS

By seanseansean321 | 0

#857430 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:32

time to ditch her and find you a new lady :/

seanseansean321 | 0

#857439 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:34

just to piss people off. I got first comment!!! :D

thor89 | 0

#857501 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:46

annoy husband: I was thinking 3 way tommorow

wife:Sounds good

icall_BS | 0

#857572 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:59

You should fuck the guy in front of your wife and you will either have new found respect from your wife, become gay and feel no guilt for ditching her, or end up in a threesome. Either way you cant lose.

thor89 | 0

#857596 - Monday 15 February 2010 10:04

Oh yeah if I was you I'll grow a pair a kick the other guys ass

powersmoke | 0

#857755 - Monday 15 February 2010 11:21

Trust me, she already fucked him. She's just sparing you the pain.

AngryNinja | 1

#857804 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:10

agreed with 41. she's just saying she didn't because she's bleeding her guts out. if she turns up pregnant, it wasn't the milk man!

FockinA | 0

#857805 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:11

who cares anymore? it was funny back in the 90's. lamo - lmao

Starfire22 | 5

#857829 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:24

yea, sorry op but she probebly has cheated on you...

Snow_Daisy | 7

#857878 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:48

Drunken words are sober thoughts..

futtgoredo | 0

#858052 - Monday 15 February 2010 14:30

numba 3, key number, 3

mylifeblows32 | 0

#859765 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 0:35

someone needs bitched slapped. put your woman in her place

seanseansean321 | 0

#862210 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 16:58

yeah look at who posted the first comment, then look at my name. isn't it weird that number 1 and number 3 are posted by THE SAME PERSON?!?

JinxSNC | 0

#1040738 - Thursday 24 June 2010 2:58

^ You must be SO proud of yourself!!! Holy shit you got first AND third!! your mother and I are very proud, son. :)

Deabells | 0

#1945195 - Sunday 9 January 2011 7:57

agree with number 1

By caltrex | 0

#857434 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:33

yea t

Xuphra | 0

#863234 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 0:10

By jennjennsofly | 7

#857452 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:37

uh wow

ladiesman14 | 0

#857930 - Monday 15 February 2010 13:20

is your wife on birth control ? trust me, the weight gain is more noticeable than the periods if she is on depo provera.

By Andystylish | 0

#857455 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:38

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

omfgjane | 0

#857519 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:49

when you are drunk, you speak the truth. duhhhh

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#858349 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:27

In vino veritas, my friend.

perdix | 29

#858707 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:50

ImFoe, Classical Latin, FTW! ;)

By EllyH | 0

#857475 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:41

Hmm, well she probobly just wanted to piss you off..
looks like it worked..

By Laurendorcus | 0

#857476 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:42

You should get her saying that on tape and play it back to the judge during your divorce hearing. :-)

BigLostBear | 0

#857711 - Monday 15 February 2010 10:46

^ this

By kniickles | 0

#857490 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:45

ick.

By zebra_pillow | 0

#857491 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:45

how fucked up tell her when she's sober and then break up with her!

By jessica4456 | 0

#857498 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:46

damn man

armadilloz | 0

#857511 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:47

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#857508 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:47

aw thats sad

Eddie_Paints | 0

#857528 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:51

That was me,but don't worry.I would not have banged that drunk skank!!