Intimacy: Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

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Intimacy

Late term

Serious times

Season finale

By Anonymous - United States

Considerate

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

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By daughter in law - United States

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

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By KieRendan - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, due to an unforeseen pipe-related incident, I had to shave my legs in my backyard fish pond, while a plumber assessed the damage to my war-zone of a bathroom. FML

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19805

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By GeorgiaBOYY - United States

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

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By Bbrooks88 - United States

Today, I finalized my new car purchase after three months on the job at a new company. Two hours later, I was informed that my position has been eliminated. I have two weeks to find a new job or I'm completely screwed. FML

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By ShandiPandiDerp - United States

Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML

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By Jakesssss - United States - Hudson

Today, I showed a kid how to knock somebody out for self defense. He then knocked me unconscious with the same method I'd just showed him. FML

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By twiggygonegirl

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to show my teenage daughter what we did when I was her age. We used to breakdance, so I stuck on a Grandmaster Flash track, and tried some old moves on the living room floor. I spun out of control, smacked my head into a wall and pulled a back muscle. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I successfully stopped my hair straightener from falling into a bathtub full of water by grabbing hold of the burning hot plates. FML

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25836

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By DepressedKid - Canada

Oh, hi Mark!

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

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By dontask - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

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By lol - 28/10/2020 09:57

Waze?

Today, while working as an Uber driver, I asked my passenger for directions and she didn’t know. She was going to her own house. FML

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By WOWreally - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid and my husband says "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML

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By asthmattack - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I was suffering from an asthma attack, so I grabbed my inhaler and took a puff. This was probably very disturbing for the earwig which had somehow made my puffer its home, as I discovered when it shot into my mouth. FML

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By CatCreator

Making a Murderer

Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 14:01

Sharing is caring

Today, I poured myself a glass of Coke from the bottle in the fridge. While drinking it, I saw tiny pieces floating in it. Apparently, my boyfriend had drunk straight from the bottle in the morning, felt sick and threw up. He then put the bottle back in the fridge. I just drank my boyfriend's vomit. FML

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By SeriouslyDad - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

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By Pantess at work - 30/3/2021 16:00 - United States

Ripper

Today, at work, the seat of my pants ripped open. A coworker lent me a pair of his back-up jeans, and then those ripped in the crotch. FML

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By alpine75 - United States

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door, a clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was ok. I have to go back next week. FML

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By burgeee - United Kingdom

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

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By tonedef - United States

Today, after spending weeks working on a song that meant a lot to me, I reluctantly posted it online. The "friend" who'd convinced me to post it, commented, "This is the worst shit I've ever heard." He got 30 likes, along with a barrage of agreeing, equally terrible comments. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my fiancé, the love of my life, informed me that he proposed because he was sure I'd say no. He was hoping it would lead to our breakup. FML

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By dream1334 - United States - East Rockaway

Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at the bride or groom anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML

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By ProneToBlondeMoments - United Kingdom

Today, I was just about to do an important presentation in front of my boss and co-workers. When, without warning I tripped in front of everyone and knocked a VERY expensive computer off the table. How do I know it was so expensive? I'm paying for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

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By drivingmecrazy - United States - Sacramento

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Prince Albert

Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

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By mouthwash - United States - Gallipolis

Freudian intensifies

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

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By nick - United States

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm so sick, I'm even sick in my dreams. Orientation for my new job starts tomorrow. FML

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By youshitme - Australia

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

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By fml9124 - 28/1/2021 20:01

FOOTBALL player reveals TRUTH!

Today, I told my wife Philip Rivers retired. Being born and bred in Baltimore, she hates anything Colts now. "Philip is a stupid name", she says. I pointed out my middle name is Philip. She laughed, then said, "Are you serious?" We've been married 33 years. FML

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By nuerrotticc

Today, I had a panic attack at 2am because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window. FML

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By I have Flashbacks Now - United States - Woonsocket

Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

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By "Levi2411"

Today, I'm babysitting. The kids have only been home at the same time together for 15 minutes. Two of them have punched each other and the other is running in circles screaming. What is wrong with this picture? FML

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Top comments

By seanseansean321 | 0

#857430 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:32

time to ditch her and find you a new lady :/

By Laurendorcus | 0

#857476 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:42

You should get her saying that on tape and play it back to the judge during your divorce hearing. :-)

COMMENTS

By seanseansean321 | 0

#857430 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:32

time to ditch her and find you a new lady :/

seanseansean321 | 0

#857439 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:34

just to piss people off. I got first comment!!! :D

thor89 | 0

#857501 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:46

annoy husband: I was thinking 3 way tommorow

wife:Sounds good

icall_BS | 0

#857572 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:59

You should fuck the guy in front of your wife and you will either have new found respect from your wife, become gay and feel no guilt for ditching her, or end up in a threesome. Either way you cant lose.

thor89 | 0

#857596 - Monday 15 February 2010 10:04

Oh yeah if I was you I'll grow a pair a kick the other guys ass

powersmoke | 0

#857755 - Monday 15 February 2010 11:21

Trust me, she already fucked him. She's just sparing you the pain.

AngryNinja | 1

#857804 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:10

agreed with 41. she's just saying she didn't because she's bleeding her guts out. if she turns up pregnant, it wasn't the milk man!

FockinA | 0

#857805 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:11

who cares anymore? it was funny back in the 90's. lamo - lmao

Starfire22 | 5

#857829 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:24

yea, sorry op but she probebly has cheated on you...

Snow_Daisy | 7

#857878 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:48

Drunken words are sober thoughts..

futtgoredo | 0

#858052 - Monday 15 February 2010 14:30

numba 3, key number, 3

mylifeblows32 | 0

#859765 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 0:35

someone needs bitched slapped. put your woman in her place

seanseansean321 | 0

#862210 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 16:58

yeah look at who posted the first comment, then look at my name. isn't it weird that number 1 and number 3 are posted by THE SAME PERSON?!?

JinxSNC | 0

#1040738 - Thursday 24 June 2010 2:58

^ You must be SO proud of yourself!!! Holy shit you got first AND third!! your mother and I are very proud, son. :)

Deabells | 0

#1945195 - Sunday 9 January 2011 7:57

agree with number 1

By caltrex | 0

#857434 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:33

yea t

Xuphra | 0

#863234 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 0:10

By jennjennsofly | 7

#857452 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:37

uh wow

ladiesman14 | 0

#857930 - Monday 15 February 2010 13:20

is your wife on birth control ? trust me, the weight gain is more noticeable than the periods if she is on depo provera.

By Andystylish | 0

#857455 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:38

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

omfgjane | 0

#857519 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:49

when you are drunk, you speak the truth. duhhhh

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#858349 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:27

In vino veritas, my friend.

perdix | 29

#858707 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:50

ImFoe, Classical Latin, FTW! ;)

By EllyH | 0

#857475 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:41

Hmm, well she probobly just wanted to piss you off..
looks like it worked..

By Laurendorcus | 0

#857476 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:42

You should get her saying that on tape and play it back to the judge during your divorce hearing. :-)

BigLostBear | 0

#857711 - Monday 15 February 2010 10:46

^ this

By kniickles | 0

#857490 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:45

ick.

By zebra_pillow | 0

#857491 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:45

how fucked up tell her when she's sober and then break up with her!

By jessica4456 | 0

#857498 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:46

damn man

armadilloz | 0

#857511 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:47

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#857508 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:47

aw thats sad

Eddie_Paints | 0

#857528 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:51

That was me,but don't worry.I would not have banged that drunk skank!!