Intimacy: Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

Sick burn

Buyer's market

By AuraOfJustice - United States

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

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By whatno - United States - San Antonio

Today, I caught my 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend trying to use a latex glove as a condom. FML

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59724

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By M.SHUKRI - United States - Round Lake

Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML

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34714

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By patch91

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to work. I received an abusive phone call from my boss saying he shouldn't have to cover my lazy ass. I was driving to cover his shift because he was too drunk to show up to work. FML

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38781

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By Cuntface McGee - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

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39768

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By yessir - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

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18274

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By Anonymous

Today, getting home from a long day at work, I checked the mail and saw 3 envelopes from the IRS. Apparently I now owe over $4,000. I only have $2 in my bank account. FML

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2526

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By Laura - France

Today, I saw my boyfriend spitting the mouthwash back into the bottle, because, "this stuff is really expensive." FML

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32229

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By Anonymous

Oh no.

Today, while cleaning out my daughter's closet, I found my missing dildo. It's a mold of my husband's penis. FML

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8149

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the mall and saw a really cute guy. I acted all cool and started doing a sexy hair flip. On the way back up from my hair flip I hit my head on a cellphone stand. FML

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10031

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By peridot1aa

Today, I was cleaning out my room and picked up my bed and found a condom. I'm 15 and still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3505

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205

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By Nikki - United States

Today, I was in IKEA, furniture shopping with my dad. He was looking at one couch that was particularly small. I said "dad that couch is for like a midget." I look over to see a midget looking at me, sitting on the same couch in a different color. He definitely heard me. FML

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By anon - United States - Germantown

Today, I have learned a lot of "big" words from reading so much, but can actually only pronounce about half of them correctly. FML

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29814

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By SchoolSucks - United States

Today, it's my first day at a new school. I transferred here halfway through the year to get away from a girl who bullies me. She's apparently bullied her mom into transferring her here as well. FML

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46273

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

You did ask…

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew. He told me he learned about fire safety, so I asked him what he'd do if there were a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

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23858

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By maybe if i was paid like them i would - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I had any kinks, so I told him all about them. He was actually mad because I didn't have the same 'sexy kinks' the girls in porn have. FML

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28211

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

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2138

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By whywilson.. - Canada

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

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13388

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By saraleerocha - France

Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML

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40752

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By whoops

Today, I saw that the wine bottle I couldn't open last night has a big hole in the top from my struggle to open it. It was a screw off top. Must have been drunker than I thought last night. FML

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3621

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By Becky - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML

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28835

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

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47331

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By PJ - United States

Today, I planted a bit of a condom wrapper in my bed so my housekeeper would think I have a love life. FML

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16473

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having spent days working on it, I finished off a really elaborate seasonal greetings card for my boss. When I gave it to him, he took one look at it, flicked it in his trash can and said, "Fuck off, Steve." So much for a Christmas bonus. FML

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23450

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By Seriously_Scaredy_Cat - United States

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

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46737

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By Casper - United States

Today, a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick because I looked really pale. I told her that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted "No, that can't be normal." FML

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42062

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By yudencow

Reading skills

Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

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1148

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By chairlee - United States

Today, I stepped on a piece of glass and sliced my right foot open. Hobbling to get my first aid kit, I tripped and stepped on a pair of heels, and sliced my left foot open. FML

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36893

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By no one - 2/6/2020 14:00

Crucial information

Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

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1642

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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55742

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was so tired, I passed out at work in the middle of a call. All because my neighbor's car alarm kept going off every 3 minutes all through the morning. It was still going when I left for work. If you see a news story in a few days about a whole neighborhood beating a guy to death, that's probably us. FML

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13322

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

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37832

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my car is being repaired, so I had to catch a bus to work. When the bus came, the driver pulled toward the curb and gunned it through a large puddle of water, then pulled away and continued down the road, leaving me soaking wet. FML

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23917

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By poor man - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I frantically told my parents that my bank account had no money. Turns out, they took the $1,600 I had saved up from a summer job and invested it in penny-stocks. I was grounded because they were "doing it for the family," and I'm being selfish. They also had lost it all in a matter of days. FML

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44599

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By unknown - United States

Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML

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45319

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

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55348

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after reading a sign at the airport, my 6-year-old son thought it would be funny to yell, "Daddy's got a bomb!" Airport security then tackled me to the ground. Oh, and I missed my flight and my mother's birthday. FML

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46351

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By fed up/turned off - United States - Fresno

Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty pictures and texts, describing in detail all the things I was going to do to him when we have the house to ourselves this weekend. He responded by quoting that crappy movie 'The Room', saying, "Oh hi doggie!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41408

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By kk-

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me and I'd chained-smoked all night, I had a driving test. With only 3 hours of sleep, I literally drove through a red light during the test. FML

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718

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By ZeldaovaPeach - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

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Top comments

By seanseansean321 | 0

#857430 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:32

time to ditch her and find you a new lady :/

By Laurendorcus | 0

#857476 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:42

You should get her saying that on tape and play it back to the judge during your divorce hearing. :-)

COMMENTS

By seanseansean321 | 0

#857430 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:32

time to ditch her and find you a new lady :/

seanseansean321 | 0

#857439 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:34

just to piss people off. I got first comment!!! :D

thor89 | 0

#857501 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:46

annoy husband: I was thinking 3 way tommorow

wife:Sounds good

icall_BS | 0

#857572 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:59

You should fuck the guy in front of your wife and you will either have new found respect from your wife, become gay and feel no guilt for ditching her, or end up in a threesome. Either way you cant lose.

thor89 | 0

#857596 - Monday 15 February 2010 10:04

Oh yeah if I was you I'll grow a pair a kick the other guys ass

powersmoke | 0

#857755 - Monday 15 February 2010 11:21

Trust me, she already fucked him. She's just sparing you the pain.

AngryNinja | 1

#857804 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:10

agreed with 41. she's just saying she didn't because she's bleeding her guts out. if she turns up pregnant, it wasn't the milk man!

FockinA | 0

#857805 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:11

who cares anymore? it was funny back in the 90's. lamo - lmao

Starfire22 | 5

#857829 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:24

yea, sorry op but she probebly has cheated on you...

Snow_Daisy | 7

#857878 - Monday 15 February 2010 12:48

Drunken words are sober thoughts..

futtgoredo | 0

#858052 - Monday 15 February 2010 14:30

numba 3, key number, 3

mylifeblows32 | 0

#859765 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 0:35

someone needs bitched slapped. put your woman in her place

seanseansean321 | 0

#862210 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 16:58

yeah look at who posted the first comment, then look at my name. isn't it weird that number 1 and number 3 are posted by THE SAME PERSON?!?

JinxSNC | 0

#1040738 - Thursday 24 June 2010 2:58

^ You must be SO proud of yourself!!! Holy shit you got first AND third!! your mother and I are very proud, son. :)

Deabells | 0

#1945195 - Sunday 9 January 2011 7:57

agree with number 1

By caltrex | 0

#857434 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:33

yea t

Xuphra | 0

#863234 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 0:10

By jennjennsofly | 7

#857452 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:37

uh wow

ladiesman14 | 0

#857930 - Monday 15 February 2010 13:20

is your wife on birth control ? trust me, the weight gain is more noticeable than the periods if she is on depo provera.

By Andystylish | 0

#857455 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:38

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

omfgjane | 0

#857519 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:49

when you are drunk, you speak the truth. duhhhh

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#858349 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:27

In vino veritas, my friend.

perdix | 29

#858707 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:50

ImFoe, Classical Latin, FTW! ;)

By EllyH | 0

#857475 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:41

Hmm, well she probobly just wanted to piss you off..
looks like it worked..

By Laurendorcus | 0

#857476 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:42

You should get her saying that on tape and play it back to the judge during your divorce hearing. :-)

BigLostBear | 0

#857711 - Monday 15 February 2010 10:46

^ this

By kniickles | 0

#857490 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:45

ick.

By zebra_pillow | 0

#857491 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:45

how fucked up tell her when she's sober and then break up with her!

By jessica4456 | 0

#857498 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:46

damn man

armadilloz | 0

#857511 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:47

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#857508 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:47

aw thats sad

Eddie_Paints | 0

#857528 - Monday 15 February 2010 9:51

That was me,but don't worry.I would not have banged that drunk skank!!