Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML
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Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML
Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML
Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up by saying, "Good morning! We're going to be vegans from now on." FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn't believe in "not eating meat." FML
Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I'm a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me "disloyal to my beliefs." FML
Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML
Today, my girlfriend suggested we try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand what she had in mind, and ready to fool around, I hurried over to her place. Turns out she's just taken up vegan cooking. FML
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Top comments
Brenda37 13
She was afraid your junk was too meaty. Take it as a compliment.
MisterMichael 9
Just dip your junk into green dye...problem solved
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Comments (215)
supportcommand 17
Tell her that she doesn't eat the dick. Just sucks it for the flavor. And the protein surprise at the end is totally vegan. She'll have to do it then.
0h_Boy 26
I'd like to say "I agree, your life sucks." However, she doesn't. Ergo, it doesn't
krysxkatastrophe 14
Does she plan on pulling a Jeffery Dahmer? If not, then it's perfectly fine...both in terms of veganism and what's socially acceptable.
nevershoutkendal_fml 10
Or Armin Meiwes. He thinks penis is a delicacy. There's even a Rammstein song about him.
howrudoin 11
Tell her the dressing you got cumming out is very vegan friendly and will go well with her salad.
mikeofthunder 13
I like how you altered the spelling of "coming" to reinforce the true meaning of your joke :P
ebonyirony 29
35- ew it's still semen; vegan or not, joke or not, that shit would be disgusting on salad.
afairshake 8
She's clearly looking at your equipment as meat which goes against her beliefs and eating habits. Let's face it if you want to be crude technically yes it's meat but she wouldn't be consuming it so......
TheMathMajor 26
I'm thinking that sperm could technically be considered an animal product which is why she would be against it, but it's still pretty stupid.
mndlssphnx 10
Time for a new girlfriend.
wlddog 14
THANK YOU!! He just gave two great reasons to dump her. Why is he still considering her a girlfriend?
NothernNightmare 18
So 40, & 68, you think dumping her is acceptable because she doesn't want to give her boyfriend a BJ? Like seriously, there are more important things in a relationship than that. (Unless you want OP to dump her because she's slightly dumb, that's a different story.)
TopiaryOwl 18
Pardon #68? Are you saying a person's simple choice to NOT consume animal products is a reason to end a relationship? That's pathetic.
catanita 18
French kissing is considered vegan? It involves some kind of meat. :):)
Countryrose0524 7
Hmm what a shame. Maybe you need a new girl that knows how to keep her man happy.
GoldenGrizzly 7
It's not all about blow jobs and sex. Yes, they are important, but if they are still being intimate what is the problem? I don't see Op offering to go down on her or threatening to take that away. So why is it required for women to blow men but men don't have to "go down" on women. If the girlfriend still demands he jill her off then that is one thing, but if he doesn't do that for her then she doesn't have to give him oral, ever.
ingcoliptis 10
That makes sense, she can't eat your meat, bad joke
infernno 23
She's got a point, it's meat after all.