Intimacy: Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't... - FML

By _The__Doctor_ - 31/12/2012 22:44 - United States - Venice

Spicy

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 191

You deserved it 3 697

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Leave us alone

Unprofessional

By FFS - 06/05/2018 01:30

Today, my mother has taken her drug paranoia to a new level. She threw away an open but nearly full bag of dried mint because she's sure I emptied and refilled the bag with marijuana to hide it from her. She then tried to ground me in my own house in front of my wife and daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 513

You deserved it 339

By Sexy Rash - 21/02/2014 23:26 - Australia - Wallgrove

Spicy

Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 523

You deserved it 8 306

Get back here!

By oceangirl - 08/02/2012 00:14 - United States

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 110

You deserved it 2 446

By Anonymous - 26/03/2015 18:36 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 919

You deserved it 2 631

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 09:27 - Australia

Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 025

You deserved it 2 802

By Vicky - 26/12/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 090

You deserved it 2 918

By Maggie - 10/12/2011 16:45 - Canada

Today, I got my first driving lesson from my dad. We traded seats, I started the car and his entire lesson was, "Go." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 366

You deserved it 3 965

By fabiennemorin35 - 30/08/2016 09:29 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my boss told me that he’d hired me because he thought I looked intelligent. He then went on to say that it was about time that I proved that I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 156

You deserved it 1 485

By Anna - 20/01/2019 16:00

Today, I went into a gynecology appointment to find out my IUD had apparently fallen out without me knowing. What tipped me off? My pregnancy test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 708

You deserved it 293

By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 12:53 - United States

Today, my mom was talking about my grandma's approaching death. When she saw I was getting upset, she gave me a weird look and asked me if I was PMSing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 793

You deserved it 1 760

By jzappe - 11/10/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 797

You deserved it 5 992

By Sickofbeingsick - 01/10/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 789

You deserved it 2 824

I need it

By Anonymous - 07/07/2020 02:02

Spicy

Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 930

You deserved it 339

By Anonymous - 20/04/2013 14:26 - United States

Today, my crew was called out to do some house maintenance. We were nearly done, when someone had the goddamned fucking brilliant idea of washing plaster off their hands in the kitchen sink, which clogged the pipes. Instead of getting paid, we now owe for damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 854

You deserved it 5 522

By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 16:02 - United States - Anchorage

Spicy

Today, I found out first-hand that the most horrifying sight you can ever witness is two morbidly obese people getting nasty with each other in a dance club's run-down, public restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 934

You deserved it 5 520

By Anonymous - 05/07/2011 22:37 - United States

Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 762

You deserved it 3 403

By littlekellilee - 16/09/2016 04:27 - Canada

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 685

You deserved it 1 499

By Not Mrs Soprano - 08/07/2013 11:57 - United States - Irvington

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 002

You deserved it 3 536

Loser

By Anonymous - 28/11/2019 01:00

Today, the dog my now ex-boyfriend and I own together bit me bad enough that I needed stitches on my face and my hand... he then broke up with me and saying it was all too much for him and has kept the dog... FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 838

You deserved it 195

Tidy your room

By Anonymous - 06/07/2020 20:03

Today, I woke up and stepped on a wet jacket. After smelling what it was, it turns out the cat had peed all over my laundry, especially the waterproof jacket, and after attempting to clean it up, it dripped everywhere and the entire apartment now smells like cat piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 375

You deserved it 404

"Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger…"

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 20:00

Today, my wife wants a divorce. Apparently, she only married me for my potential, since my twin brother is a lawyer, she hoped I’d become a success as well, but since I’m content to be a carpenter, she considers me a disappointment and a failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 256

You deserved it 144

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 00:07 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 816

You deserved it 5 380

By diddlebuag - 27/05/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 954

You deserved it 6 228

By seriously_CAT - 21/10/2015 02:26

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "there's no such thing as bacteria in food". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 523

You deserved it 1 596

By Rjlup - 11/06/2013 14:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 572

You deserved it 7 156

Get out

By a7xforever - 14/09/2010 08:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I got to my weekly drama group a bit late. Everyone looked surprised when I walked in. Casually, I sat down and apologised for being late. I thought everyone looked awkward, probably because it turned out I'd been kicked out of the group. The teacher had decided to announce it before making sure I'd got the email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 997

You deserved it 3 398

By brokeaf - 11/07/2011 19:09 - United States

Today, I received a $50 iTunes card for my birthday. I immediately sat down at my computer and starting buying all my newest favorites. Then I realized I never redeemed my card so the $50 was all charged to my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 876

You deserved it 52 462

By ThatNewCarSmell - 01/10/2014 16:53 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 858

You deserved it 45 517

By jk2010 - 03/02/2010 17:44 - Israel

Today, I finally removed my car insurance after realizing it costs too much money. Since I then had more money, I went to celebrate with ice cream. On the way, I got hit by a truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 104

You deserved it 55 600

By please stop singing!!!! - 21/03/2014 23:59 - United States - Windermere

Today, I got to spend 4 hours on a bus with a group of selfie-taking teenagers who spent the majority of the time trying to harmonize while singing various songs. I'm pretty sure half of them were tone deaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 262

You deserved it 4 116

Offensive people work in TV? What a surprise!

By Anonymous - 18/05/2016 14:50 - United States - Frisco

Today, a TV crew filmed my house for a real estate show. They got an actor to pretend he owned the place but wanted to move. The host kept saying how shit my house is, and while talking about me with his producer, he said, "Know how I know he ain't a fag? Fags can actually decorate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 864

You deserved it 1 149

By thatfatkid - 10/08/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were "good luck, fatty". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 715

You deserved it 6 680

By failure - 15/10/2014 01:06 - United States - Loomis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd feel like a failure if he went to community college. I'm planning to go to community college next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 300

You deserved it 4 971

By Ahhwtf - 18/08/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, my nose was itchy. As I reached towards it to itch it, I sneezed ridiculously hard. I punched myself in the eye and now it's all purple and puffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 667

You deserved it 9 778

By 2.5-long-months - 28/07/2016 13:49 - Canada - Edmonton

Spicy

Today, my husband and I had our first prenatal appointment. My doctor told us we shouldn't have sex during the first trimester, "just to be safe". He has no evidence to back this, but now my husband is too scared to touch me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 197

You deserved it 1 607

By mehdi - 13/10/2008 08:20

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326 458

You deserved it 33 688

Lowkey

By kinky pinky - 02/09/2020 05:02 - United States

Today, my husband threw a fit because I dyed my hair bright magenta. Funny, I actually dyed it three days ago. He literally just noticed. Shows how much attention he pays me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 670

You deserved it 225

By Miriam - 10/12/2016 08:44

Today, I attended a white elephant party at work and the box I picked had whisky and beer. Since I am a Muslim, I took it to my Christian friend's house and gave it to him. As I was walking there, I passed my imam on the street. Awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 695

You deserved it 1 249

By Anonymous - 27/12/2018 18:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 334

You deserved it 396

By x - 21/02/2009 02:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 701

You deserved it 10 330

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:41

Did you yank the right cord?

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:48

Don't worry that's just turbulence.. Giggity...

Comments

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:38

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Quest_ 13

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 10:25

And of course there's always one moron who tells the victim of sexual harassment that she should be flattered.

TheWindowLicker 13

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 10:34

Probably didn't actually think of what s/he typed, 49. Just wanted first comment. With that said, it's fucking creepy.

SillyGirl4602 23

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 11:41

She should take it as a compliment? I disagree. What he said was very creepy and inappropriate.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 15:49

The fact that it's thumbed up! 0.0 Dafaq..

Brool_Story_Co 17

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 17:05

Wow, it was probably a fucking joke. Don't get so worked up over it.

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 7:13

This is among some of the best (or worst) pickup lines.. including: "that shirt is very becoming of you.. of course, if i were on you id be cumming too. Hi there, [insert your name here]" and "Are you a Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get. Hi there, [insert your name here]".

cheezepoof2002 4

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Thursday 3 January 2013 2:04

says the girl that none ever wanted to dive into.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:41

Did you yank the right cord?

sugarshane007 20

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:42

I'm sure there is a fetish for that.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:48

There's a fetish for everything these days.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:56

I have a fetish for your comments! Please give me more! /sarcasm

FMLandFYL2_xoxo 22

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 6:46

Nothing's more attractive than a girl who's brave enough to sky-dive :)

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 6:50

A girl who is brave enough to sky dive naked?

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 7:15

Unless they're ugly, then skydiving doesn't really do anything..

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:45

He really took a dive with that pun.

sugarshane007 20

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 6:21

He may even 'chute himself in the foot with that one.

klovemachine 24

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 7:03

His chute may open early :D

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 7:53

Only if he yanks the right cord!

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 7:57

Premature ejection.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 12:44

it was indeed a very in-descent comment to make!

BunchieRules 31

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 9:05

Agreed; that pun was just plane dumb.

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Sunday 8 May 2016 21:49

This thread is a planewreck

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:47

Maybe he really wanted to painfully dive into your body. You never know people these days.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:48

Don't worry that's just turbulence.. Giggity...

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:49

That's an awkward fall

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:52

Well did you feel something poking your back the whole way down?

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:53

Skydiving, lame pick up lines.. Sounds to me as if he's making up for a wonky parachute, if ya know what I mean..

laurenlovesjb 20

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:56

Say something to his boss/supervisor. That behavior is EXTREMELY unprofessional, not to mention rude. Don't let him get away with it.

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 7:17

I bet JB uses this pickup line.

MayaTheBee_fml 10

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Friday 22 February 2013 0:04

Ah, when I clicked "show comment", I just knew it was gonna be someone commenting on JB..

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 43

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 25

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 78

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 31