Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what...

By bananayellowteeth - 3/5/2009 08:37 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

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Health

Boom, headshot

Inspirational tale

No justice

By Bali_Boil - 16/1/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house and her dad saw us. She decided that she didn't feel like riding along when it was time for her dad to drive me home and went to bed. I, on the other hand, got to have a 15 minute conversation about the merits of "physical boundaries." FML

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By RingRing - 11/12/2010 07:12 - United States

Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML

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By Blamethepostman - 16/9/2016 15:10

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

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By howrude - 11/9/2009 11:57 - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2012 05:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband surprised me by cooking a romantic dinner. I asked him why the sudden gesture. His response? "The cable was out." FML

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By oldmold - 23/7/2020 17:01

Extreme cooking

Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML

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By cl512 - 18/9/2009 13:33 - United States

Today, I walked out of my college dorm to see that the intelligent person who locked their bike next to mine decided as an added security they would lock their bike to the rack, and to my bike. FML

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By itsgonnabealongnight... - 3/9/2011 20:52 - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

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By Roy Lawson - 26/6/2014 00:19 - United States - Brea

Today, I had to bite the bullet and finally buy maternity pants. Problem is, I'm not pregnant and I'm a 25-year-old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2014 15:15 - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

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By Myballshurt - 3/8/2013 04:31 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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By levi Glasscock - 15/4/2011 13:52 - United States

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

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By Ammile - 25/12/2018 04:00

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

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By Wickls - 18/12/2008 08:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought "Angus, thongs and perfect snogging" on DVD. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 28/5/2020 14:00

Noise annoys

Today, and for months, my upstairs neighbor has been stomping on their floors, hard enough to shake our walls. We thought it was their child, but found out it’s the mother. She took up running, and due to the pandemic, she does it in the living room. She's already been told to stop. Repeatedly. I work 12-hour nights. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2015 18:26 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML

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By offendedfemme - 26/8/2009 02:16 - United States

Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, "I'm so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!" He patted me on the back and walked away. I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 06:32 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a tv into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

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By eMmA01 - 14/4/2009 02:50 - United States

Today, I was walking into class when the guy i like walked in and said "Gross it smells like grandma in here. What, did someone bathe in their perfume today?" I was the only girl in the room and I just bought new perfume. I thought I smelled good, apparently I didn't. FML

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By OiVey - 1/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 10:33 - Australia

Today, I temporarily got off the bus for the other students to get off, because they push and shove along their way. Then the bus driver closed the door on me and drove off. My laptop was on that bus. FML

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By Wow. - 18/12/2013 18:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

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By Crazy Cat-less Lady - 31/10/2016 04:38

Today, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian because I haven't brought a guy home in over 7 years. Nope. I'm just a crazy cat lady, minus the cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 09:58 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML

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By drummerboy - 6/6/2016 12:17 - United States

Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

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By Very Divorced - 10/10/2018 20:00 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is cheating on me with not one, not two, but nine girls. How he did it, I don't even know. How I found out? I was coming into my room to surprise him for his birthday and saw him having a threesome. We have kids. FML

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By SHIT-BREATH - 5/6/2013 16:03 - United Kingdom - Chepstow

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

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By mislabeled - 27/8/2020 20:05

What did I do?

Today, two friends of almost ten years told my husband they had concerns about our marriage, and basically said they can no longer be friends with me. My husband and I never fight, and have other people tell us they are jealous of our relationship. The worst part is they still want to be friends with him. FML

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By Chaosfigure - 3/9/2017 13:00

Today, after my driving instructor told me I should pass without any worries at all, I completely failed. I was hit by another car. While parked. FML

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By shelly - 8/3/2012 22:23 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

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By one cock too many - 4/8/2020 05:02

Who's been a naughty girl?

Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

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By failure - 22/9/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

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By Earths_Venus - 25/12/2009 06:28 - Australia

Today, I sat for 3 hours at my boyfriend's Christmas celebrations. He has 22 cousins. They open presents one at a time. In silence. I got nothing. FML

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By Silver_Samurai - 9/2/2012 03:24 - Netherlands

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

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By Loser - 4/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By Failed Parent - 11/10/2012 06:59 - United States

Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML

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By Lizzie - 30/5/2013 22:32 - United States - Rockford

Today, we had a get together for work at a restaurant I've never heard of. After spending all week trying to make a good impression on my new boss and co-workers, I showed up in a pair of shorts and a Star Wars T-Shirt. Turns out it was one of the fanciest restaurants in town. FML

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By stoprubbingitinmyface - 21/3/2015 21:59 - United States - Tacoma

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying "My body, my rules." FML

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By Mexican - 19/6/2016 03:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML

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Top comments

By ellis_fml | 0

#164564 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:48

brush your teeth?

By Ownord_fml | 10

#164574 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

Drink less coffee/tea ^^

COMMENTS

By ellis_fml | 0

#164564 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:48

brush your teeth?

klumzy0123456789 | 6

#969220 - Saturday 27 March 2010 15:38

eww dude brush and floss ur teeth or u wont have anu!!!

XxBlackamusPrime | 5

#1859446 - Saturday 18 December 2010 8:40

brush yo teeth brush yo teeth brush yo got-dam teeth!

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4631456 - Saturday 30 June 2012 1:13

Dont smoke crack.

By z4opv14 | 0

#164573 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

#1 is right :D

By Ownord_fml | 10

#164574 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

Drink less coffee/tea ^^

By Zxmbye | 0

#164577 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

Time to buy some whitening strips!

By yer_maw | 0

#164581 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:51

yeah try some oral hygine

lawl the word oral ;D

kirstyannemiller | 4

#4545817 - Saturday 9 June 2012 22:41

I looked at your profile cause your comment was really melting, but hey we have the same name!

By beyotch | 0

#164608 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:56

Ew dude, brush your teeth.

By insane_chick | 0

#164611 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:56

It could be that you drink way too much coffee and tea. That will stain your teach no matter how much you brush your teeth. You can get your teeth whitened you know, the technology is there.

By no_one_fml | 3

#164619 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:57

#5 - even with good oral hygiene, drinking lots of coffee and/or tea can make the teeth yellow, for example.

By Pokerdance | 0

#164629 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:58

Ever heard of this magical little thing? It's called toothpaste. USE IT.

By coloradodude12 | 0

#164640 - Sunday 3 May 2009 18:00

Brush your teeth :D