Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what...

By bananayellowteeth - 3/5/2009 08:37 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

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Health

White line fever

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Headache

By Anonymous - 9/7/2014 01:20 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

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By thesixth - 2/3/2016 18:53 - Kenya

Today, being jobless and all, I tried calling my dad for a job after my many years of pride. He invited me to an interview to compete against 10 people, probably more qualified than I am. FML

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By T.T - 24/8/2010 08:19 - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée broke up with me because of an argument about a printer. FML

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By scarred4life - 27/4/2011 14:05 - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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By dtmfa - 31/10/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I spent the night with my guy, whom I hadn't seen in ages. In the middle of sex, he answered his phone, told me to be quiet, talked to the girl on the other end about how boring his day was, then left the room to finish talking to her. When he came back he asked if I felt like swallowing. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML

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By joanne - 29/5/2012 17:58 - United States

Today, I found a video of a school play I starred in years ago. I was ecstatic, because it's really the only memento of my childhood I have left. Unfortunately, it started with my grandpa groaning, "Ahh shit," and degenerated into him muttering over the audio about "those fucking commies." FML

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By Caution - 2/10/2018 22:00

Today, at a house party someone smashed and spilled their drink. In my own drunken state, I decided to get the mop as someone might fall. I then fell over it and ended up with glass in my side. FML

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By Local Welsh - 16/8/2018 18:30

Today, my husband's cousin told me it's a tradition that I should have sex with the eldest male cousin (him) as a rite of passage, and I probably don't know this being of foreign origin. I emigrated here and met my husband when we were 6. FML

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By nthor - 11/3/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

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By aishahahaha_ - 19/6/2016 00:34 - Zambia - Lusaka

Today, I walked in on my sister and a few of my roommates planning a surprise party for a fellow roommate whose birthday is a week away. My birthday was yesterday. No one remembered. Not even my own sister. FML

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By ScaredDad - 2/5/2019 12:00

Today, I needed to grab something from the garage. As soon as the door closed, I heard a little click sound. My one-year-old seems to have figured out the door lock. FML

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By rejectedson - 15/10/2009 23:23 - United States

Today, my father got married. He left me a voicemail to tell me all about it. FML

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By goodbyepromotion - 30/8/2013 06:28 - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

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By night_fox88 - 27/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Camden

Go out please!

Today, I woke up to my overly religious grandmother trying to shove salt down my throat yelling "DEMON BE GONE!". Why? I didn't wear the cross neckless she bought me. FML

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By carebear1228 - 1/7/2014 17:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

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By 5.9Cummins - 11/9/2011 03:18 - Canada

Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 a.m. and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML

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By mother to be - 4/8/2014 13:20 - United States

Today, while talking to my sister, I explained to her that the reason I hope I end up having a girl is I want my daughter to love me the way I "used" to love my own mother. I didn't mean to say it in the past tense. My sister told my mom. She's planning my baby shower. FML

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By ChubbyButt - 16/1/2013 10:48 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was at the doctor's for a regular check-up. When my appointment was over and I was about to walk out, she yelled across the room in front of everyone, "Oh and if you could lose some weight, that'd be great." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 18:57 - United States

Today, I met up with my group for class. We were doing some final checks on the project we've been working on all semester, when I realized something about one guy's work seemed off. I googled it and found out it's almost completely plagiarized. It's all due in the morning. FML

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By distracted - 13/7/2015 13:56 - Australia - Pymble

Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML

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By karaokestar - 23/4/2009 04:42 - Canada

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

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By shakira, when the walls fell - 23/10/2015 18:56 - Canada

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML

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By Stewtato - 12/7/2019 22:30

Today, a bat flew into my house. We locked it in my brother's room, complete with cats, and just barely got it back outside alive. We later found out it was an endangered species, so we also narrowly avoided arrest. FML

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By motherless - 30/1/2013 03:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother "checked in" to rehab on Facebook. The same rehab that told her to hand over her smartphone. The dumbass was smart enough to steal my phone and dumb enough to get it confiscated. FML

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By JustShutUp - 27/7/2016 18:40

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

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By wtf - 14/3/2011 04:07

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my cell phone there and had got a text from a guy saying "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2017 12:00

I miss the hungry years…

Today, my cat let a mouse sit on his paws for several minutes, then just sat and watched as it scurried into a crack in the drywall. My cat is only 4. FML

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By - 26/12/2019 01:00

The girl?

Today, my mate was bragging about the nudes he was getting from this random girl, he proceeded to show me... It was my cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 15:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

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By muffin - 10/5/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

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By anon - 22/5/2015 02:22 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn't a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2011 23:02 - Canada

Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2016 20:23 - United States

Today, I met a girl who was just as socially anxious as me. We spent the whole night staring at each other, then quickly looking away when the other person saw. FML

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By vanilla_blossom - 5/1/2016 18:49 - United States - Jackson

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my cousin told me that the stop signs outlined with a white line were optional. Later, a cop pulled me over, when I asked why he said, "You ran that stop sign back there." I explained what my cousin had told me and he looked at me funny and replied, "All stop signs have a white outline." FML

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By hannahk267 - 18/11/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

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By Goatczar - 29/4/2015 14:49 - United States - Orem

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

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Top comments

By ellis_fml | 0

#164564 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:48

brush your teeth?

By Ownord_fml | 10

#164574 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

Drink less coffee/tea ^^

Comments

By ellis_fml | 0

#164564 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:48

brush your teeth?

klumzy0123456789 | 6

#969220 - Saturday 27 March 2010 15:38

eww dude brush and floss ur teeth or u wont have anu!!!

XxBlackamusPrime | 5

#1859446 - Saturday 18 December 2010 8:40

brush yo teeth brush yo teeth brush yo got-dam teeth!

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4631456 - Saturday 30 June 2012 1:13

Dont smoke crack.

By z4opv14 | 0

#164573 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

#1 is right :D

By Ownord_fml | 10

#164574 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

Drink less coffee/tea ^^

By Zxmbye | 0

#164577 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

Time to buy some whitening strips!

By yer_maw | 0

#164581 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:51

yeah try some oral hygine

lawl the word oral ;D

kirstyannemiller | 4

#4545817 - Saturday 9 June 2012 22:41

I looked at your profile cause your comment was really melting, but hey we have the same name!

By beyotch | 0

#164608 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:56

Ew dude, brush your teeth.

By insane_chick | 0

#164611 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:56

It could be that you drink way too much coffee and tea. That will stain your teach no matter how much you brush your teeth. You can get your teeth whitened you know, the technology is there.

By no_one_fml | 3

#164619 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:57

#5 - even with good oral hygiene, drinking lots of coffee and/or tea can make the teeth yellow, for example.

By Pokerdance | 0

#164629 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:58

Ever heard of this magical little thing? It's called toothpaste. USE IT.

By coloradodude12 | 0

#164640 - Sunday 3 May 2009 18:00

Brush your teeth :D