Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside...

By eyebags - 10/10/2016 13:04 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML

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Health

Family values

Weird kid

Everyone's an expert

By orangethonglover - 17/7/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out the real cause of my dog's illness that she had just recovered from. When my sister took her in to see the vet, the vet said my dog was constipated, and swallowed something orange. That orange thing happened to be my favorite thong. FML

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By not eyelid - 20/9/2016 19:53 - Spain - Manresa

Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

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By darknight - 21/7/2019 02:03

Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML

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By nurse4life - 18/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Moultrie

420 BLAZE IT BRO!!!

Today, a patient at the hospital where I work asked me if he and his son could light up a joint. He was on oxygen, and serious. FML

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By CodeJunky - 17/2/2016 02:15 - United States

Today, I found out how far my car can go after the fuel light comes on: All the way to the stoplight before the nearest gas station. FML

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By fmlgirl - 9/5/2014 18:44 - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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By Lorus - 23/8/2011 07:30 - United States

Today, I passed a kidney stone. This is the third one in two years. I'm only 23. FML

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By fuckingtrollingskankwhoreshitwankcuntfuck - 13/7/2013 17:33 - United States - Enfield

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when a girl came out of nowhere, screaming at me for cheating on her, and saying she was dumping me. I've never seen her before, and she was almost grinning during her little act, but my girlfriend believed it, and I'm now single. FML

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By really? - 20/3/2013 04:55 - United States

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

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By newdriver - 11/5/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's house. I kept really close to her which caused me to get pulled over for tailgating. I explained everything to the cop so he went over to my mom to see if that was the truth. My mom said she didn't know me. I got a ticket. Thanks mom. FML

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By ILoveFML - 29/8/2010 14:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was talking with his friends about how long girls take to get ready (hair, make-up, etc.). I said, "I never spend a long time getting ready..." He then looked at me and said, "maybe you should." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 00:45 - Germany

Today, my girlfriend and I were lying in her bed. We fooled around and were about to have sex as she suddenly began to cry without any reason. She cried for 30 minutes until I finally managed to calm her down. She said there was no reason for her crying. Then she fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 03:42 - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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By hopeless - 26/2/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

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By anonymous - 6/5/2013 18:08 - United States - Poway

Today, after my mom picked me up from the mall, she asked me what was in my bag from Gap. I wouldn't tell her, and she ended up grounding me. It was her Mother's Day present. FML

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By hunnybaby0319 - 2/10/2010 22:07 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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By Soaked - 31/7/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

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By jason - 24/4/2009 13:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a car parked in my assigned space. Pissed off, I left a note on the car's windshield saying, "Hey Assface, thanks for parking in my spot. I spat on your door handle." It turns out it was my girlfriend's parent's car. They took us out to dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I took a taxi to my hotel. I specifically said that my destination was the Hilton resort. He took me to a bed and breakfast across town. When I finally got to my hotel, I cursed him out and didn't give him a tip. I then realized I'd left my phone in the taxi after he left. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 00:32 - United States

Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML

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By 123_omg - 15/1/2019 14:00

Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML

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By princessrose - 16/11/2016 11:05

Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML

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By karmaquestionmark - 20/11/2012 02:04 - United States - Silverton

Today, my mom sold my Magic box at a garage sale because I "never use it." Locked inside it was my fake ID, a couple of hundred bucks, and a bag of weed. She can't remember who she sold it to. FML

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By Mic - 7/1/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was going over some paperwork with my back to my office door. As I turn around, my boss enters and says my name loudly. I was startled so bad that I jumped, yelped, and a high-pitched fart snuck out. Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML

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By TMI - 4/6/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I had the misfortune of being left alone with my dad. He took it as an opportunity to tell me in detail all about his recent vasectomy, and the complications the surgeon had due to the scar tissue on my dad's testicles. FML

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By Lady Cuntsnatch of Fallopia - 4/1/2015 01:30 - United States - Yuba City

Today, I went into labor and got my husband drive me to the hospital. Instead of staying by my side, he rushed back home for a World of Warcraft raid. His excuse? His friends were counting on him and they'd be pissed if he let them down. FML

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By "7thwardlord" - 21/8/2017 16:00

Today, I decided to be nice and "drop" a twenty in my grandma's house for her to find. She injured her back while picking it up. FML

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By The Joker? - 31/7/2011 06:17 - United States

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

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By Buyingagun - 8/4/2020 05:00

Take care

Today, I looked out the window just in time to see a coyote carrying off my cat that I had just let outside five minutes before. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 6/3/2013 22:28 - United States - O Fallon

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half left me for another girl. Who was the only person who cared enough to comfort me? The girl he left me for. FML

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By Stephen - 24/3/2012 21:07 - Sweden

Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML

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By helloitsbrian6969 - 24/5/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML

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By jada - 4/1/2012 23:29 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend over and over again and he never answered. His mom just called me and asked how I was holding up. I asked her what she meant and she had to tell me he checked himself into rehab because he was addicted to heroin. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

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By Tom - 26/6/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

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By CallaC - 15/3/2012 02:01 - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

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By Softball - 8/7/2015 13:58 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I guest-played as a catcher for a new fastpitch softball team. After the first couple of innings, the batter fouled a ball back into my catcher's mask. As a concussion test, the coach asked me what her name was. I decided to fake the concussion rather than admit that I'd forgotten her name. FML

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By coffee - 22/8/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

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By phishy - 5/3/2015 22:26 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6701322 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 7:25

I imagine the Mona Lisa was painted as similar proof.

"Hey, Lisa, if your eyes were turned upside down, they'd look the same. Lenny, get over here and paint her."

"Please, it's Leonardo. And okay…"

By mermaidkeels | 26

#6701325 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 7:34

I think your roommate has a little too much free time on her hands...

COMMENTS

By srhearrell | 21

#6701317 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 7:04

Well I hope that no matter what people say, you remember that you are beautiful.

Tripartita | 44

#6701320 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 7:11

I hope that no matter what people say, OP knows their hair smells fantastic.

Would anybody care to contribute another vague presumption of their own?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6701336 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 8:47

I hope that no matter what people say, OP knows that they will be wealthy and successful.

Michaelsupset | 14

#6701350 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 10:38

Well I hope that no matter what people say, you remember that this type of comment is feel-good bullshit

hellnosucka | 27

#6701390 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 14:39

I hope that no matter what people say, you remember that you are a 5'6 foot, dark haired and brown eyed person. (I based this vague presumption using the method of probability)

By captain_hero89 | 21

#6701318 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 7:09

sounds like your roommate really enjoys looking at you

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6701321 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 7:14

Sleep, you should try it. It does wonders for those bags under the eyes.

TaysDarkLust | 11

#6701324 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 7:28

How long should I sleep for...? 16 hours? 24 hours?! A whole year? Mine are deep permanent dark purple circles. Always

Oh well, there's makeup for that :p

By Tripartita | 44

#6701322 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 7:25

By qteabutt | 12

#6701323 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 7:26

I don't know if I'm the only one but I always found the dark circles around eyes to be rather cute. Anyways its ok OP if you don't like them there's always a way to get rid of them.