Miscellaneous: Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However,...

By parentalfail - United States

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

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Miscellaneous

Honesty is the best policy

Life is unfair…

Nothing honey, nothing

By noname - France

Today, I decide to go to my ex-girlfriend's house to bring her stuff back. I broke up with her earlier this week after a 2 year relationship, and I'd hoped she would have realized her mistake and ask me to stay for a bit and talk. I ring the doorbell and her new boyfriend opens the door. FML

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By annon - Canada

Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, after having a long and serious talk about maybe having a relationship, the guy I really like told me to send him a "sexy picture." I sent him a picture of me in a bra and a thong. He replied, "Yeah, you're hot!" and signed off after ten minutes of silence. I haven't heard from him since. FML

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By baller12 - United States

Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

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By King.Dick. - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbia City

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house after working a night shift. The door was locked and, so I wouldn't wake his parents, I called him. Twelve times. Each call went to voicemail and I was left standing outside in the freezing rain until he finally let me in. What was he doing? Playing video games. FML

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By R_Horsefeet - Netherlands

Today, the guy I was seeing texted me a photo back of myself I had sent him earlier, saying I'm such a beautiful woman, suggesting that I set it as my profile pic. Too bad he doesn't think I'm pretty enough without a lot of enhancements, because he photoshopped the hell out of that thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people; 17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

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By Dreadge - Israel

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. A couple of cute girls started talking to me, telling me how much they liked my dreads. Seeing this, my mother stepped up next to me, patted me on the shoulder, and said, "This here is my little baby, treat him nicely!" Thanks, Mom. FML

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By merp. - United States - Wausau

Today, I spun off the road and into a ditch. The insurance company told me I'd have to wait an hour, as they had other cars to tow first. I had to pee so badly that I resorted to using the only thing I had in my car: a plastic bag. That's when I got a knock on my window from the tow truck driver. FML

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By Cherie - United States

Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML

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By Ricky - Canada

Today, I was working at Old Navy. A girl came up to me and did a bizarre dance. Not knowing how to react, I imitated her to be friendly with the customer. Then she stopped cold. Her friend stormed up to me and yelled, "you jerk! Why are you mocking her? She has tourettes you know!" FML

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By It's a foot long

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Big tongue logging on

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

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By jealousgirl - United Kingdom

Today, after having to spend over an hour yesterday giving the man I'm in love with advice on how to impress his date yesterday evening, I got to spend another hour listening to how great their sex was last night. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after days of looking for it, I finally found the ring my boyfriend gave to me. It was on my roommate's finger. FML

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By Leash - United States

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

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By Heartbroken - United States

She's got it going on!

Today, my best friend told me he had a crush on someone in my house. I got excited, but he told me it was my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 05:00

Slicey machine go thwack

Today, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I have no way to pay my bills and very few places are hiring just now. My boss tried to make me feel better by saying her husband was just laid off and they'll struggle as well. She has a £120k salary and just got a £30k bonus. Apparently, "we're in the same boat." FML

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2007

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By Pissedoff777 - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done. FML

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By sam.exe - United States - New York

Today, I was declined a sales position at a local store. As I headed out, I heard the interviewer telling a colleague, "Christ. That kid had less charisma than Microsoft Sam." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

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By Alexxicks - 5/3/2020 12:02

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

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By michelle91 - Malaysia

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I "selfishly made it about me." FML

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By annonymous - France

Today, I went skinny dipping with a few friends at my friend's house. It was really fun until one of my friends shrieked, saying there were bugs in the pool. Everyone jumped out and looked at her. Turns out the "bugs" she saw was my body hair. FML

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By doglover - United States

Today, a Milkbone commercial came on TV. At the end of it, they whistle and throw a Milkbone across the screen, prompting my 100lb German Shepherd to leap off the couch and run head on into my new plasma screen TV. FML

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By - United States - Tallahassee

Loud and long

Today, I'm stuck with sleeping in the same room as my mother. The problem? Her snores are extremely loud and a full minute long. I'm not kidding, I timed it. FML

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By CallMeCherry - 26/8/2020 07:59 - United Kingdom

PSA

Today, I managed to "permanently and irrevocably" damage my spine. How? By bending down and picking up a piece of paper. According to my doctor, essentially I need to, "bend over like a stripper if I want to pick something up." FML

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By goldengirl - Australia

Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

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By Anothermoose - United States - Victorville

Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Turns out that bouncers don't think it's a problem for girls to go up on stage and make out with the musicians. FML

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By Leah - United States

Today, my boss gave me a speech about my "motivation issues". I've been working for him for 2 months, the commissions I've made for him paid off his bills, so what are my motivation issues? I turned down his offer of a date. I have a boyfriend. He keeps asking. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

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By sierra.sl31

Today, my boyfriend of over a year decided he wants us to wait to get married before having sex again, after we've had sex almost every night of being together. FML

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By un_christmas - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, my boyfriend and I were having Christmas dinner while his mom was away. I was lying alone on his bed while he did the dishes, when the bedroom door dramatically swung open and his mom glared at me from the doorway. I had to leave when she screamed "FORNICATION IS A SIN!" FML

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By Katrina641 - France

Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

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By not sexy anymore - 28/7/2020 05:01

Get on with it!

Today, my boyfriend asked why I’ve been so grumpy lately. When I told him it’s because our relationship has been severely lacking in intimacy, he sighed heavily and said, “Ugh, fine, let’s just get it over with!” Gee, thanks babe. FML

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By a single fuck - Germany - Berlin

Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, "Why are you making this all about YOU?!" after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, my parents were helping me move flats. The only box to spring open was the box containing condoms and copious amounts of napkins for clean up. They spilled all over the road as my dad was carrying it. My mum picked them up. FML

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Top comments

By Oz_Alice | 0

#736443 - Friday 25 December 2009 22:52

Of course, your son doesn't count as family *facepalm*

By ze4life | 0

#736399 - Friday 25 December 2009 22:28

ouch

COMMENTS

By ze4life | 0

#736399 - Friday 25 December 2009 22:28

ouch

Luckster | 0

#736400 - Friday 25 December 2009 22:29

#1 said it all....ouch man....just ouch...

chipmunk95 | 0

#736567 - Saturday 26 December 2009 1:04

@OP run away!!!

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#783829 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 8:36

On the plus side, you get pity looks from some of your friends.. And you know have ppl to blame when you feelin' down..
But seriously, FYL.. And FML.. I know how you feel.. Except I didn't really know my Dad while they were married.. He was a truck driver and we only saw him 1 or 2 days a week.. I was about 6 when they split..
He wouldn't know the first thing about parenting, anyway.. I suspect the condom broke 3 times.. And 4 times with a different woman (before he met my mother)..

By colonel_crunk | 0

#736405 - Friday 25 December 2009 22:31

LOOOOOOL suck a parr

mangoboy1 | 19

#5358747 - Friday 8 February 2013 2:24

I hate you.

By South_Park_Shay | 0

#736407 - Friday 25 December 2009 22:32

That kinda sucks :/ I'm sorry about it, they shouldn't have told you on CHRISTMAS. Sorry :/ but i mean, if you're a grown man, you had a good childhood WITH them, right?