Miscellaneous: Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened...

By notgay - 25/12/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 927

You deserved it 3 784

Miscellaneous

Leave us alone

Triage

The bitch is back

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 14:47 - United Kingdom

Today, we finally got our first electricity bill for our new flat. I was shocked to see that we had used £60 worth of electricity in 6 weeks. Then I noticed that it was only an estimate, and that we could read the meter ourselves to correct the amount. We now have to pay nearly £400. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 894

You deserved it 7 767

By Paige - 10/07/2013 14:18 - United Kingdom - Witham

Today, I found out my boyfriend regularly has his ex stay over. They even share a bed. He doesn't see a problem with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 630

You deserved it 5 708

Spooky

By Anonymous - 25/04/2021 20:04

Today. my nana got a text from my dead grandad's phone number. His phone was stolen about 3 weeks before he died, but the shock of suddenly getting a text from him after the funeral gave her a heart attack. The doctor says with her other health issues, she might not make it through the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 474

You deserved it 33

Hello goodbye

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 08:00

Today, after four years of infertility, my wife and I found out our miracle pregnancy was going to be a boy; our first child. Twenty minutes later, we found out our child has a terminal genetic condition, and will die in the next 4 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 266

You deserved it 67

That's gross, dude

By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 23:02

Today, it's Saturday and a planned date night for my partner and me. He's not showered since Tuesday and was surprised that I requested that he to do so ahead of getting intimate. And he wonders why our sex life isn't better… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 185

You deserved it 162

By Anonymous - 16/01/2014 17:57 - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 038

You deserved it 13 021

By pinky - 06/01/2010 18:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 month old son decided that my lip ring was a toy. Thinking it would be ok, I let him touch it. He got his finger caught and pulled his hand back. The lip ring is still in, but now I have a huge gaping hole in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 497

You deserved it 53 716

By BakedBat - 21/02/2014 04:10 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 893

You deserved it 4 426

By charliesangel123 - 21/02/2010 17:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting downstairs at my boyfriend's house as he got ready to go. His mom came over and said she was so glad her son had met me, that I made him really happy. I smiled thinking how nice that was of her to say. She then continued, "Still, he tells me anal is a no?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 274

You deserved it 3 668

By missy - 09/03/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 292

You deserved it 8 637

Pets are life

By mikalovernj - 27/11/2020 14:02

Today, my neighbor asked me to check in on his pet. When I went into his house, I couldn't find any animals. I searched all over, and finally gave up and called him. I asked him what type of pet he had. His response? "My pet rock, Stubby." That's right, I just spent some time looking for a rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 978

You deserved it 127

Damn

By happybudiess - 14/10/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, I went to the free clinic down the street to prove to my girlfriend I don't have any STDs so that we can finally have sex. Turns out I have one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 186

You deserved it 55 297

By la poisse - 19/11/2008 05:59 - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 965

You deserved it 3 489

By Anonymous - 02/08/2011 00:59 - United States

Today, my grandmother updated her will. Previously, it denied inheritance to family members with non-white spouses, and any mixed-raced children. Now it does the same with politically correct terminology. She then bragged about how accepting she is in front of my Korean husband and our daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 794

You deserved it 3 651

By feckingnasty - 26/01/2018 19:00

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 581

You deserved it 457

Zapped

By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 11:01 - Germany - Olbersdorf

Today, I got the worst electric shock ever, touching a wire that was connected to the electric fence only by a plastic isolator, made specifically to NOT conduct electricity. I still don’t understand how it was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 108

By perenoel - 03/12/2011 16:24 - France

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 910

You deserved it 6 125

By pansypup - 03/09/2015 02:30 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 709

You deserved it 2 183

Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?

By Joel Lee Burgess - 15/02/2021 22:59 - United States

Today, my wife got a call from my son's school, telling her that he was talking inappropriately in class, using bad language. Neither my wife or I ever use foul language, spoken or written. I feel like such a failure as father and parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 656

You deserved it 312

By Anonymous - 04/03/2014 21:06 - Norway - Nesoddtangen

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 764

You deserved it 4 855

By TSampson - 11/06/2009 11:51 - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 990

You deserved it 11 273

By sucks4me - 18/06/2011 04:45 - United States

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 231

You deserved it 16 095

By kill me - 07/05/2016 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 901

You deserved it 1 913

Easy

By FootinMouth - 18/07/2013 21:48 - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 430

You deserved it 54 514

By littlemiss - 10/02/2013 16:17 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 522

You deserved it 3 031

Too good

By hard work doesn't work - 13/03/2015 06:21 - United States - Irving

Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I'm too good to be promoted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 348

You deserved it 3 005

By aaannnddd there goes my boner - 28/11/2013 22:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 134

You deserved it 8 392

By ugh!! - 27/02/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I drank for every year I've been in school. While in my bed I decided I was too drunk to get up and throw up in the bathroom so I decided to just do it on my floor and clean it up later. Later on I woke up and realized I threw up on my $1000 laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 896

You deserved it 228 151

By jkl54 - 01/04/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the mall. We were looking at jewellery in Zales and she came across the engagement rings. She looks at one and says, "Are you kidding me? That ring is hideous and it's the most expensive one here! Who the fuck would buy that?" Well, that would be me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 773

You deserved it 6 500

By sleepless - 18/02/2012 10:07 - United States

Today, I let my little sister sleep in my room because she had a nightmare. She is currently snoring like an overweight 40 year old man with a cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 681

You deserved it 3 506

By Jeezus - 16/02/2016 03:00 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after a week of waiting to hear something about my stolen car, I got a letter in the mail saying it had been impounded the same day I reported it stolen, but they don't share a database with the police so they never called. Now the impound wants $900 plus $120 for the tow to release it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 228

You deserved it 1 635

Jesus, take the wheel

By ThreeMoreYears - 03/03/2020 03:01

Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 212

By fresh single - 03/04/2016 07:53 - United States - Pomona

Today, my girlfriend decided it was logical to accuse me of cheating because of the hundreds of emails I had from women wanting to meet up with me for sex. She had been looking in the "Spam" folder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 553

You deserved it 2 306

Thank God For VPN

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 15:59 - Nigeria

Today, the government of my country banned Twitter because Twitter deleted one of our president's tweets yesterday. Democratic government, indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 145

By royallymessedup - 21/08/2014 16:36

Today, some random bloke introduced himself at a bar by asking to fuck me. I got tongue-tied trying to say both "fuck off" and "please go away". I ended up telling him to "Please fuck away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 571

You deserved it 7 849

Toxic masculinity

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 07:59

Today, my grandad smacked me on the back of the head, and told me to, "Act like a goddamn man and stop crying." It was at the funeral of my mum and sister, who both died in a car crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 913

You deserved it 85

By Anonymous - 04/03/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 619

You deserved it 8 683

By Traffickills - 22/04/2016 00:30 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 395

You deserved it 4 989

By Clementine - 27/11/2012 11:36 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 078

You deserved it 4 607

Going pro

By DDboy - 13/10/2019 22:00

Today, I got yelled at by one of the managers at my store for tucking in my shirt in the crew room. She called it unprofessional and offensive. It was my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 625

You deserved it 127

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Top comments

hk_fml 9

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:27

O_o why are you complaining? You have a loving family that accepts you and encourages you to be yourself! Feel lucky!

SaintJimmy 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 3:41

Am I the only one who doesn't get how giving someone a fruitcake means that you think they're gay?

hk_fml 9

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:27

O_o why are you complaining? You have a loving family that accepts you and encourages you to be yourself! Feel lucky!

Reyo 2

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:37

One problem: THEY THINK HE'S SOMETHING HE'S NOT. How would you feel if your family was convinced that you were a homosexual? Huh? How would that feel? Your mother saying "It's ok, It's perfectly normal" as she sobs uncontrollably and your Dad drinking it away with the Jager I got him for Christmas I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A HE GOD DAMNIT!

tisiphone_fml 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:47

Hmm, I really do understand you're embarrassed, but here are two things to console you. Firstly, your entire family loves and accepts you enough to accept whatever you may be (however misguided) - and they have a sense of humor about it. There are thousands of people in the world who would trade anything for that. Secondly, there's nothing wrong with being homosexual - so don't take it as an insult. Yes, I realize that the people you love think that you're something that you're not, and that hurts. But, what is it about you that made them think that? Which particular stereotype(s) did they choose? Perhaps was something that a lot of people would think is a good quality in general (particularly women) - cleanliness, good sense about clothing and hygiene, or good conversation skills, artistic ability, etc? None of those things is bad... and a lot of women are desperate for a guy who keeps himself and his surroundings neat and is actually willing to hold a conversation!

dnlphm94 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 3:19

^ Over-analytic much? I'm pretty sure real gay people don't like being called "fruity" and giving him a fruitcake kind of says "fruity." So, either way, it can be taken as an insult.

dudeitsdanny 9

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Saturday 26 December 2009 3:34

I really don't think the FML was about being considered "fruity." Anywhoooo.... Most people assume I'm gay. No idea why. At LEAST bisexual. Again, no idea why. I'm straight. I started taking it as a compliment about a year ago, and it's worked out pretty well for me.

convectuoso88 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 16:12

I would take an accepting family who thinks I'm something I'm not than a close-minded family any day.

Oz_Alice 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 17:57

He's complaining because he's NOT gay, maybe? O_O

girlygirl666 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 21:54

....Or, it could just be that Nobody likes fruitcake= Nobody likes you. Maybe that's what you were supposed to get from that gift.

bdrodd 0

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Friday 15 January 2010 2:35

yea, the same with me, but it goes away, especially if you get a girlfriend

SpyroCool 13

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Tuesday 31 December 2013 15:09

What the hell is wrong with you?

manymany 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:27

lol!!! wow tht ruins xmas

purple91 8

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:28

Their* Sounds like a cute family though.

Retaheki 27

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Sunday 7 December 2014 23:17

What are you correcting?

Luckster 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:29

Even if you were gay, that's a downright insult. =_=

ugh_a_lug 7

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Saturday 26 December 2009 5:53

true true

FarSide 22

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Saturday 26 December 2009 6:24

@36: if that helps your guilty conscience sleep at night, then dream on.

welovekevin 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:30

wow umm well in case you change your mind at least you know they will accept you XD

lives_ppl 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:33

Aww I love your family. It's almost a bad thing that you're straight now... XD

the_raf 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:49

John Travolta, is that you?

indydegrees1 0

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Monday 26 April 2010 23:14

did I hear my name?

OkageStarr 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:53

I get joked on by my family all the time about my sex life (or lack thereof), and I gotta say, if your family wasn't just making a bad joke, FYL indeed, op. The appropriate response is to find some male member of your extended family (not blood... an in-law preferably), and pretend to hit on them. At some point, break the truth to your family, and remind them not to make assumptions, because it can be quite awkward. For everyone.