Miscellaneous: Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened...

By notgay - 25/12/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 926

You deserved it 3 784

Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Medicare for all, please

Callous

By ifmlftw - 22/06/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 020

You deserved it 3 047

Life's what you make it

By ratherbealone - 27/10/2020 02:06 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I don't want to go to work because I hate my boss, but once I'm there, I won't want to go home because I hate my husband. I have nowhere else to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 123

You deserved it 427

By shamwazzlefarznarfnarfwoofbaaa - 29/03/2015 14:03 - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to teach my grandma how to burn files to CDs. I jokingly said that it doesn't involve literally burning the disks in fire, to which she responded by slapping me and calling me a patronizing brat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 927

You deserved it 14 092

Too dry

By Anonymous - 22/02/2020 20:00

Today, I spent the evening with my new wife at the doctor’s because she thought she had a UTI. The doctor sent the nurse to talk to us because he was too embarrassed to tell us that we just needed to use more lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741

You deserved it 374

By Unknown - 30/06/2014 01:05 - United States

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 861

You deserved it 7 184

Do me a solid

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 20:01

Today, and for the last six months, I've been on a medication that greatly improves the main symptoms of my chronic illness. Too bad it also gives me chronic diarrhea. I feel much better and can function better than I have since my teens, but I haven't taken a solid dump in half a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 55

By Happy Employee - 31/08/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, I returned from my first paid vacation in the past 2 years from a place with no cell, or internet. I've just found out that our department has been downsized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 229

You deserved it 2 696

By WayToGoDaddyHo - 08/07/2015 06:17 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future", even though he's entering a PhD program next year at a top university. Meanwhile, my dad's last relationship was with a 20-year-old hooker who ended up stealing his credit cards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 886

You deserved it 1 808

By Allie - 29/10/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 012

You deserved it 2 796

By Anonymous - 30/07/2013 23:19 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I took a run in the woods. Almost halfway through, I started to feel like I was going to faint. I was so dizzy that my sight was getting blurry. I went to sit down on what seemed like a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a huge snapping turtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 467

You deserved it 6 068

Grandma's here!

By Anonymous - 29/10/2021 14:00

Today, my mother-in-law was so rabid to meet her first grandson, she didn’t just nudge me aside to get to the delivery room, she two-hand shoved me in the chest so I flew backwards and down a flight of stairs. I’m now in a neck brace for a hairline crack to my vertebrae and can’t pick up my own son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 59

By stinky - 24/01/2012 08:15 - United States

Today, my co-worker handed me a note. The note said, "If you can, please take a shower once in a while." The smell was coming from the broken bathroom next to my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 744

You deserved it 2 653

By jseid2 - 15/01/2014 05:54 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 754

You deserved it 15 394

By t - 17/05/2011 03:26

Today, I got a really bad cramp while I was swimming in my neighborhood pool. I started to go under until the lifeguard jumped in and saved me. I guess it would have been great, if I wasn't a fellow lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 698

You deserved it 6 135

By crazygirl - 29/10/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 390

You deserved it 5 138

By fucktelstra - 17/03/2016 11:42 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 498

You deserved it 1 391

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 13:38 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband rejected sleeping with me because he wants to "save his energy" for building his custom car. Apparently, I'm a "distraction." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 049

You deserved it 6 354

By WorkerBee - 17/03/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 155

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 01:28 - United States

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 356

You deserved it 3 951

By nean83 - 12/01/2013 05:11 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 426

You deserved it 39 725

Oops.

By Anonymous - 18/11/2017 01:30

Today, within 24 hours at my new security job, I accidentally tasered the head of security in the groin, causing him to piss himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 811

You deserved it 1 078

By English_Nut117 - 30/10/2013 19:17 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my boyfriend came onto me in a romantic gesture. We ended up having sex, forgetting that the window repair guy was supposed to come today and do some work on our third floor apartment windows. I still don't know how much he saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 560

You deserved it 15 134

By Liz - 11/08/2011 02:21 - United States

Today, my boss became very angry over her own mistake on a spreadsheet. She lashed out by throwing a can of SpaghettiOs at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 836

You deserved it 2 614

By Whywhywhy - 20/08/2017 13:01

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 259

You deserved it 360

Dust in the wind

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 13:59 - New Zealand

Today, I went to withdraw some money out the bank. On a windy day. Next minute, woosh, my money was gone. My last $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 190

Grammar police alert

By Weekdae - 09/12/2020 09:01 - United States - Litchfield Park

Today, I found another comment online referencing, "Smoke weed everyday." With all due respect for smoking weed, when will people learn that "every" and "day" need to be two separate words in that context? This is seriously making it hard for me to focus on my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 342

You deserved it 1 291

By sadmommy - 23/04/2012 22:51 - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 477

You deserved it 6 169

Not going well, is it?

By Anonymous - 24/03/2021 20:00 - United States

Today, I've been married for six months, my husband and I are in our early twenties, and not only does he have absolutely no interest in any kind of sexual act with me, he actually becomes angry and irritated when I try to come on to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 193

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Kenosha

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 637

You deserved it 1 810

By freakedout - 08/08/2014 14:43 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the doctor's waiting room. When I woke up, the room was empty, and there was a $1 bill tucked into my cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 989

You deserved it 6 926

By lonely dreams - 01/01/2013 17:26 - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 305

You deserved it 6 774

By Anonymous - 09/06/2019 02:00

Today, my mother told me she's planning on taking the next two weeks "off". She is unemployed and on disability, and spends her days on the couch watching Netflix. Off from what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 869

You deserved it 140

By WWJD - 01/03/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 185

You deserved it 1 570

Pump and dump

By Anonymous - 05/07/2021 16:00

Today, my husband had to admit that he lost 5000$ on a cryptocurrency scam that some asshole Twitch streamer convinced him to invest in via Twitter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 129

Not so anal retentive then…

By Anonymous - 03/02/2017 22:00 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 285

You deserved it 719

By Helpless - 16/12/2018 14:00

Today I had to tell my girlfriend that we can't keep taking care of her drug addicted dad because it is ruining out lives. We have a 90 day notice to move and I said I won't move to a new place if she is going to have him live there. Guess who is looking for a new roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 814

You deserved it 392

Heimlich

By Macdaddy - 05/12/2008 12:49 - France

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 966

You deserved it 3 443

By Anonymous - 02/08/2014 04:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 074

You deserved it 6 444

By Anizzaf - 27/01/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I picked up my cat and it went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 192

You deserved it 3 094

By Forgotten - 11/03/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend has memory issues because of a car accident. She broke up with me because I was acting like if things were more serious that she wanted them to be. She forgot she proposed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 149

You deserved it 181

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Top comments

hk_fml 9

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:27

O_o why are you complaining? You have a loving family that accepts you and encourages you to be yourself! Feel lucky!

SaintJimmy 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 3:41

Am I the only one who doesn't get how giving someone a fruitcake means that you think they're gay?

hk_fml 9

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:27

O_o why are you complaining? You have a loving family that accepts you and encourages you to be yourself! Feel lucky!

Reyo 2

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:37

One problem: THEY THINK HE'S SOMETHING HE'S NOT. How would you feel if your family was convinced that you were a homosexual? Huh? How would that feel? Your mother saying "It's ok, It's perfectly normal" as she sobs uncontrollably and your Dad drinking it away with the Jager I got him for Christmas I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A HE GOD DAMNIT!

tisiphone_fml 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:47

Hmm, I really do understand you're embarrassed, but here are two things to console you. Firstly, your entire family loves and accepts you enough to accept whatever you may be (however misguided) - and they have a sense of humor about it. There are thousands of people in the world who would trade anything for that. Secondly, there's nothing wrong with being homosexual - so don't take it as an insult. Yes, I realize that the people you love think that you're something that you're not, and that hurts. But, what is it about you that made them think that? Which particular stereotype(s) did they choose? Perhaps was something that a lot of people would think is a good quality in general (particularly women) - cleanliness, good sense about clothing and hygiene, or good conversation skills, artistic ability, etc? None of those things is bad... and a lot of women are desperate for a guy who keeps himself and his surroundings neat and is actually willing to hold a conversation!

dnlphm94 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 3:19

^ Over-analytic much? I'm pretty sure real gay people don't like being called "fruity" and giving him a fruitcake kind of says "fruity." So, either way, it can be taken as an insult.

dudeitsdanny 9

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Saturday 26 December 2009 3:34

I really don't think the FML was about being considered "fruity." Anywhoooo.... Most people assume I'm gay. No idea why. At LEAST bisexual. Again, no idea why. I'm straight. I started taking it as a compliment about a year ago, and it's worked out pretty well for me.

convectuoso88 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 16:12

I would take an accepting family who thinks I'm something I'm not than a close-minded family any day.

Oz_Alice 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 17:57

He's complaining because he's NOT gay, maybe? O_O

girlygirl666 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 21:54

....Or, it could just be that Nobody likes fruitcake= Nobody likes you. Maybe that's what you were supposed to get from that gift.

bdrodd 0

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Friday 15 January 2010 2:35

yea, the same with me, but it goes away, especially if you get a girlfriend

SpyroCool 13

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Tuesday 31 December 2013 15:09

What the hell is wrong with you?

manymany 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:27

lol!!! wow tht ruins xmas

purple91 8

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:28

Their* Sounds like a cute family though.

Retaheki 27

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Sunday 7 December 2014 23:17

What are you correcting?

Luckster 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:29

Even if you were gay, that's a downright insult. =_=

ugh_a_lug 7

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Saturday 26 December 2009 5:53

true true

FarSide 22

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Saturday 26 December 2009 6:24

@36: if that helps your guilty conscience sleep at night, then dream on.

welovekevin 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:30

wow umm well in case you change your mind at least you know they will accept you XD

lives_ppl 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:33

Aww I love your family. It's almost a bad thing that you're straight now... XD

the_raf 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:49

John Travolta, is that you?

indydegrees1 0

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Monday 26 April 2010 23:14

did I hear my name?

OkageStarr 0

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Saturday 26 December 2009 2:53

I get joked on by my family all the time about my sex life (or lack thereof), and I gotta say, if your family wasn't just making a bad joke, FYL indeed, op. The appropriate response is to find some male member of your extended family (not blood... an in-law preferably), and pretend to hit on them. At some point, break the truth to your family, and remind them not to make assumptions, because it can be quite awkward. For everyone.