Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas...

By Anonymous - 16/7/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

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Geek

Compassion

Yappy neighborhood

Live dumping

By fernie vazquez - 10/6/2012 09:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

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By Mighty Mouse - 21/5/2017 14:00

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

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By implantme - 11/5/2017 14:00

Give Me Novacaine

Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

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By nostamp - 10/7/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

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By hobbled - 17/6/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML

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By fuckingbeliebers - 4/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Gorham

Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

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By somnolence - 17/9/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 09:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the bus when an obese woman with flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I walked into school confident about the new hair color I'd had done over the weekend. My drama teacher apparently dyed her hair the same color; everyone noticed and thought I'd copied her. FML

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By awkwardaf3 - 12/12/2016 01:13 - United States - Bel Air

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

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By ... - 27/7/2014 05:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found my 6 year old daughter upstairs lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving "the carpet a haircut." FML

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By Sady_Ct - 17/3/2019 18:00

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

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By soliveyerlife - 21/3/2009 09:35 - United States

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home at 1am this morning from a friend's birthday party. I'm 30 years old. FML

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By Dark_Cecilia - 1/12/2015 22:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML

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By paulcorrea95 - 21/9/2019 06:07 - United States

Boozing on the job

Today, I was at work, cleaning up a construction site. I picked up a beer can and accidentally spilled some of it on me. My boss came in to check on me and thought I was drunk. Instead of getting a raise, I was fired. FML

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By dumbAssCollegeStudent - 4/3/2016 00:22 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2019 14:00

Today, I was prescribed two different medications. I was also informed that they will both give me diarrhea for the next two weeks. FML

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By Joanne - 24/2/2012 13:26 - Australia

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

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By yourmom - 21/9/2010 05:46 - United States

Today, I went to a museum that had exhibits of wax people in the hallways. We were taking pictures of what we thought to be a waxwork old lady. Turns out she was real. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 02:20 - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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By laurwitharawr - 6/10/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

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By "ravensarepurple" - 31/12/2019 02:00

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. 20 minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 08:38 - United States

Today, I found out I'm getting laid off. However, they're keeping my coworker who rarely shows up and sleeps all the time when he's there. FML

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By unitywoods - 27/3/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, our entire crew team was at a yoga studio for an introductory yoga lesson. All my teammates could talk about how hot the yoga instructor was in her tight spandex while doing the sexy yoga poses. Everyone, including the coach, wanted to do her. The yoga instructor is my mom. FML

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By IB6UB9 - 28/11/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

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By DebbiemontG - 19/9/2019 16:01

Pay up, sunshine

Today, after a whole summer of waiting, I went to check my school's website so that I could start my first year again since I had some complications the first time round. I found out that they'd blocked my account and that the fee I'd have to pay was now triple the original. FML

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By jack - 28/5/2019 12:00

Today, I asked my new girlfriend if she was feeling alright, since she is on her period for the first time since we started dating. I got an empty cereal bowl thrown at my head. Question asked and answered. FML

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By sorenips - 3/10/2011 23:19 - Canada

Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

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By family heirloom gone - 17/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband threw away the cast iron skillet my family has cooked with for generations because it had some specks of rust that were perfectly fixable. My 5th great-grandfather had that skillet in 1890 when he was a chuck wagon driver for the cowboys during their cattle drives. FML

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By fucking har har, dad - 5/10/2012 23:38 - Australia

Today, two days after leaving hospital with a broken left leg, I tripped and fell heavily on the floor. My dad quickly asked if I'd broken my other leg. When I reassured him that I hadn't, he disappointedly muttered that it would've been a hilarious story to tell his friends at work. FML

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By Syd - 21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By Ringless - 25/2/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were selecting our wedding cake. The wedding is now off since I refused to buy her the "dream" wedding cake she wanted because it was chocolate. She called me childish and cheap. I'm highly allergic to chocolate. FML

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By doubleds - 3/6/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

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By needfulthing - 19/11/2010 15:00 - United States

Today, I sent a text to a guy I'd met over the weekend. He'd traveled 40 miles to my town for the date, so I picked up the tab for dinner. My text simply said, "Had a nice time. Looking forward to getting together again." His reply was, "When did you get so needy?" FML

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By xXPikachuXx - 22/7/2019 02:01

Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

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By KaiyaOtaku1 - 14/7/2014 23:48 - United States - Seattle

Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML

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By XmasGrinch - 24/12/2016 13:49

Today, on Christmas Eve, as I was getting my car loaded for the holiday rounds to the in-laws and parents, my car decided now was the time to break down. I recently put in over $1000 fixing it. FML

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By jitiizer - 19/9/2012 17:02 - Netherlands - Leeuwarden

Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML

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Top comments

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#1100899 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:21

BITCH!!!

By te_amo_ily | 0

#1100897 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:20

nice mum of urs

Comments

By te_amo_ily | 0

#1100897 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:20

nice mum of urs

ricky41397 | 0

#1101163 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:27

I know right!?! she sounds super nice lol

Vash_41288 | 10

#1101417 - Saturday 17 July 2010 13:59

jeez that's messed up hell of a mom ya got

tkdkid33 | 0

#1101673 - Saturday 17 July 2010 17:00

#2 u are hottt

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#1100899 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:21

BITCH!!!

pingpongpickle | 8

#1100905 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:22

hahah agree

peppermintazn | 0

#1101143 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:20

Yes, this pissed me off >:(

hellokitten | 0

#1101154 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:25

"like"

By pweetybby | 0

#1100913 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

that's not nice :(

andrewFML | 0

#1100996 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:35

whore..

te_amo_ily | 0

#1101038 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:48

hahahhaha

OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1101047 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:51

14 is buckethead

cheergirly16 | 0

#1101072 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:59

I second that....I mean cmonn:/

SKwrestler | 0

#1101116 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:11

i third that..

nunnie | 0

#1101119 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:12

so sad.. |smh|

OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1101157 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:26

It will probably be taken off soon.

jplumbob | 4

#1101353 - Saturday 17 July 2010 12:26

I see 5 is looking for attention. I see nothing but an idiot. Most likely a dude posting a bogus pic.

wowthatshorrible_fml | 0

#1101858 - Saturday 17 July 2010 18:33

if #14 is buckethead, then I see why he wears a mask.

By Doopliss01 | 0

#1100921 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

Howd ya find out?

By hobozrule | 4

#1100923 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

buy her a pack of gum for her b-day

goodoldave | 17

#3942683 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 21:18

buy her a floppy disk

By Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1100945 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:29

This upcoming Christmas, you should give her a box into which you scooped up neighborhood dog shit.

chimpsndip | 0

#1101276 - Saturday 17 July 2010 11:35

Dude dont sit like that. thats the queer sit. its ok for girls but youre a guy. Man Up!

Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1101379 - Saturday 17 July 2010 12:50

#35, WTF are you talking about? The only sitting I'm about to do is on your mom's face!

By rileykins | 0

#1100951 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:29

at least you didn't get a big bag of shit.

By Arsonnist | 3

#1100959 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:30

someone should have been on the naughty list.

By hsshae | 0

#1100963 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:31

ruin it with porn

By OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1100983 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:34

YAY HOT ROLLERS!!!