Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas...

By Anonymous - 16/7/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

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Geek

Out of it

KoBabe

A beautiful truck decoration

By Kevin - 10/3/2010 08:39 - Canada

Today, my parents took my laptop, cut the Internet, took my car keys and TV, and removed my bedroom door. Why? Because they thought the plant I was growing for my science project was a marijuana plant. Oh yeah, they took that too. My presentation is tomorrow. FML

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By Cheapo - 27/12/2017 19:00

Today, I gave my friend a $5 VR set that I purchased from the dollar store for Christmas. I received a $60 gift card. Later, I realized I left the receipt in the package. FML

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By Jess - 20/12/2013 08:02 - United States - Modesto

Today, in a desperate attempt to add some variety to my life, I resorted to closing my eyes and picking a random font for my essay paper. FML

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By swimfaned - 9/1/2015 11:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she's afraid of my ex-wife. This is the third one in a row to use that very reason. The judge still won't accept my pleas for a restraining order. FML

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By garrett - 14/2/2019 15:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

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By Acolyte of the Bacon God - 15/2/2013 19:50 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML

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By catherineratley - 6/5/2012 04:09 - United States - Carmi

Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML

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By worksucks,Iknow. - 30/8/2018 15:00

Today, it's my first anniversary of being a manager! Today also marks a 12-month period of 30% loss in monthly income combined with 30+ hours/month of overtime. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 10:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm so out of shape, I started wheezing on my way to check my mailbox. Not my physical mailbox, either; my email inbox on the phone I'd left on the table at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By fuck - 13/7/2013 17:22 - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 10:29 - France - Paris

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

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By agnosticstudy - 28/1/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2017 22:40 - United States - Monroe

A+ for Effort

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

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By enjoy - 13/10/2008 08:30

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

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By Allergic - 24/1/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML

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By unsuspcted - 17/11/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, my son told me to grow a pair and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years old. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 14/6/2020 05:04

Forever alone, forever

Today, I realized that I've only had 3 men show interest in me: A blind man, a drunk, and a guy so desperate, he's been trying for over 5 years of solid "No"s. I'm 21. FML

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By abbshows - 29/8/2014 18:54 - United States

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

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By Mike - 20/12/2017 01:30

Today, I received the Christmas gift I bought for my sister in the mail. I also received a nearly $200 bill for shipping fees, taxes, etc. for a $50 blanket from Canada. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2014 16:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, my son said his first word. Unfortunately, that word was "cock." I've tried convincing myself that he's trying to say "clock" but I just can't do it. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 16/4/2011 00:52 - United Kingdom

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By a.baybay - 7/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By Walker Alldredge - 15/9/2020 00:02 - United States - Ogden

Out of it

Today, I was recently diagnosed with mononucleosis. This means that I'm really tired. I had been planning a trip with my sister and my cousin, but I didn’t wake up this morning at 7 because of the Mono, and they didn’t bother to wake me up. They went without me, to all my favorite places, leaving me at home with nothing to do. FML

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By crazygirl - 15/12/2010 02:18 - Canada

Today, I went to a work party where we had a Secret Santa. I gave a nice set of beer bottles with glasses. When my name was called I naturally picked the biggest gift. I got groceries. I now have dog food and men's body spray. I don't have a boyfriend or a dog. FML

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By feelsterrible - 9/8/2012 19:51 - United States - Duluth

Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML

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By Tooyoungforthis - 4/1/2013 00:34 - United States - Arvada

Today, I had to download a parental block so my dad would stop watching porn on my laptop. FML

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By Totallyscrewed - 10/2/2013 05:17 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

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By thecathater - 9/7/2013 13:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML

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By Studying is for crazy people. - 22/11/2014 04:36 - United States - Stockton

Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML

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By Nicky_ham - 6/1/2016 04:56 - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

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By BoogieCandy. - 23/10/2009 08:56 - Canada

Today, at work, I was standing at the till helping an attractive man. I have a cold and could feel the snot bubbling up. He orders and we flirt for a bit. Just as I'm about to hand him his product, I sneeze quite loudly and forcefully all over his face. Guess I won't be getting that number. FML

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By Harry Dare - 2/9/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

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By Goatczar - 29/4/2015 14:49 - United States - Orem

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

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By almost_a_pro - 23/4/2015 13:43 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2016 04:18

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

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By triplenipple - 10/1/2011 20:35 - Sweden

Today, I realized the birthmark I have on my chest isn't a birthmark at all; it's a third nipple. FML

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By BoomHeadshot - 2/5/2012 02:27 - Australia

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

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By explainer - 8/11/2011 17:54 - South Africa

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why it is inappropriate for her to go skinny dipping with her male friends. FML

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Top comments

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#1100899 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:21

BITCH!!!

By te_amo_ily | 0

#1100897 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:20

nice mum of urs

COMMENTS

By te_amo_ily | 0

#1100897 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:20

nice mum of urs

ricky41397 | 0

#1101163 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:27

I know right!?! she sounds super nice lol

Vash_41288 | 10

#1101417 - Saturday 17 July 2010 13:59

jeez that's messed up hell of a mom ya got

tkdkid33 | 0

#1101673 - Saturday 17 July 2010 17:00

#2 u are hottt

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#1100899 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:21

BITCH!!!

pingpongpickle | 8

#1100905 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:22

hahah agree

peppermintazn | 0

#1101143 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:20

Yes, this pissed me off >:(

hellokitten | 0

#1101154 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:25

"like"

By pweetybby | 0

#1100913 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

that's not nice :(

andrewFML | 0

#1100996 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:35

whore..

te_amo_ily | 0

#1101038 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:48

hahahhaha

OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1101047 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:51

14 is buckethead

cheergirly16 | 0

#1101072 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:59

I second that....I mean cmonn:/

SKwrestler | 0

#1101116 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:11

i third that..

nunnie | 0

#1101119 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:12

so sad.. |smh|

OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1101157 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:26

It will probably be taken off soon.

jplumbob | 4

#1101353 - Saturday 17 July 2010 12:26

I see 5 is looking for attention. I see nothing but an idiot. Most likely a dude posting a bogus pic.

wowthatshorrible_fml | 0

#1101858 - Saturday 17 July 2010 18:33

if #14 is buckethead, then I see why he wears a mask.

By Doopliss01 | 0

#1100921 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

Howd ya find out?

By hobozrule | 4

#1100923 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

buy her a pack of gum for her b-day

goodoldave | 17

#3942683 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 21:18

buy her a floppy disk

By Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1100945 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:29

This upcoming Christmas, you should give her a box into which you scooped up neighborhood dog shit.

chimpsndip | 0

#1101276 - Saturday 17 July 2010 11:35

Dude dont sit like that. thats the queer sit. its ok for girls but youre a guy. Man Up!

Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1101379 - Saturday 17 July 2010 12:50

#35, WTF are you talking about? The only sitting I'm about to do is on your mom's face!

By rileykins | 0

#1100951 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:29

at least you didn't get a big bag of shit.

By Arsonnist | 3

#1100959 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:30

someone should have been on the naughty list.

By hsshae | 0

#1100963 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:31

ruin it with porn

By OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1100983 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:34

YAY HOT ROLLERS!!!