Geek: Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

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Geek

Messed up

Walk on the wild side

Pay up

By Anonymous

Today, I spent a nice night with the guy I’ve been madly crushing on for the past year. When he went to the bathroom and left his phone unlocked, I looked at his photo album and saw photos of my house, my room, me sleeping, and my naked body. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

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By sadsadlady - Canada

Today, I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. His response? "If you can't take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?" FML

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By unlucky - United States

Today, I went with my sister to her company Christmas party. They had a gift raffle, my number was called and I won $25 for a local restaurant. A few moments later, the manager came over and said, "You don't work here? You can't have that" and took it from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML

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By shocked - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to help me get over the fear of my upcoming rectal exam by surprising me with one of her own halfway through our lovemaking. FML

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By TheFatOne - United States

Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML

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By Stellarum - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

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By secretmisery05 - 25/5/2020 17:00

Oh, hello there!

Today, my husband and I waited until the TV shut off at 11 p.m. in the next room to signal his grandmother had retired to her bed upstairs. After doing it on a very squeaky bed, we went out naked half an hour later to go to the restroom across the hall, only to discover his Nana laying on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at an Aunt's wake, my five year old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

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By darlingditz - United States

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

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By amberrenee91 - United States - Ellwood City

Today, a cute guy who works at the mall winked at me. When I met up with my boyfriend, I bragged to him about it. His response was, "Don't flatter yourself, he winked at me too." FML

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By HellaBomber91 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

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By houdinette - Sweden - Norrk?ping

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

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By Nick Pat

Today, I took my dad out shopping. I managed to pull into a really cramped parking spot and said, "Man, that was a tight squeeze." My dad then looked me in the eyes and said, "So was your mom." FML

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By Blah

Unloveable

Today, it was my second day of house-sitting. I was so out of my mind from not seeing people that I invited a bunch of friends over for dinner. I said I would pay for pizza and we could all hang out in the house. Even with an unsupervised house and free food, no one showed. FML

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By desigymrat - France

Today, I was working out at the gym. A very attractive girl was watching me work out, so feeling like a stud, I tried to lift a really heavy weight. I failed, got trapped, and watched helplessly as she walked away laughing. FML

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By WTF

It burns

Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

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By LockandKey - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

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By noonotme - United States

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

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By 1D-107 - United States - Logan

Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I was driving and saw two hot girls on the sidewalk so I rolled down the window to whistle at them. However, I failed to notice that the car in front of me had stopped at a red light. I rear ended the car, the girls ran away laughing their asses off, and now I have to pay for the damage. FML

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By twinkie2 - United States

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

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By anyomous - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for our photocopier, it turns out that all faults are user errors, and it's now my job to 'idiot proof' the printer. The people I work for are all educated on a Master's / PhD level and are responsible for cancer patient treatment at a major hospital. FML

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By JohnFarrell - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By :( - United States - Hilton Head Island

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vienna

Today, I realized I didn't want to come home from a business trip because I like my job more than my husband. I hate my job. FML

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By KaLa - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

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By becca - United States

Today, I woke up to a gift from my boyfriend: a Playboy magazine with a Post-It note that said, "Just a reminder that you're easily replaceable." I think he's still mad at me for beating him on X-box. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to bury my horse again because coyotes keep digging it up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, my boyfriend of three years, whom I recently got engaged to, asked me to take a photo of my mother's boobs while she was sleeping so that he could see what mine would look like when I got older. FML

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By Gemma - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Laill

Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML

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By "Auburn_flame"

Today, I've been horribly sick with a stomach virus. Six hours ago, I asked my husband to go to the store and get me a few things that would help ease my misery. He's still in bed and I'm cleaning the house in between bouts of vomiting. FML

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By left out - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - Slovenia - Domzale

Grandma rocks!

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

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Top comments

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#1100899 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:21

BITCH!!!

By te_amo_ily | 0

#1100897 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:20

nice mum of urs

COMMENTS

By te_amo_ily | 0

#1100897 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:20

nice mum of urs

ricky41397 | 0

#1101163 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:27

I know right!?! she sounds super nice lol

Vash_41288 | 10

#1101417 - Saturday 17 July 2010 13:59

jeez that's messed up hell of a mom ya got

tkdkid33 | 0

#1101673 - Saturday 17 July 2010 17:00

#2 u are hottt

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#1100899 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:21

BITCH!!!

pingpongpickle | 8

#1100905 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:22

hahah agree

peppermintazn | 0

#1101143 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:20

Yes, this pissed me off >:(

hellokitten | 0

#1101154 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:25

"like"

By pweetybby | 0

#1100913 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

that's not nice :(

andrewFML | 0

#1100996 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:35

whore..

te_amo_ily | 0

#1101038 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:48

hahahhaha

OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1101047 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:51

14 is buckethead

cheergirly16 | 0

#1101072 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:59

I second that....I mean cmonn:/

SKwrestler | 0

#1101116 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:11

i third that..

nunnie | 0

#1101119 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:12

so sad.. |smh|

OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1101157 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:26

It will probably be taken off soon.

jplumbob | 4

#1101353 - Saturday 17 July 2010 12:26

I see 5 is looking for attention. I see nothing but an idiot. Most likely a dude posting a bogus pic.

wowthatshorrible_fml | 0

#1101858 - Saturday 17 July 2010 18:33

if #14 is buckethead, then I see why he wears a mask.

By Doopliss01 | 0

#1100921 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

Howd ya find out?

By hobozrule | 4

#1100923 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

buy her a pack of gum for her b-day

goodoldave | 17

#3942683 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 21:18

buy her a floppy disk

By Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1100945 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:29

This upcoming Christmas, you should give her a box into which you scooped up neighborhood dog shit.

chimpsndip | 0

#1101276 - Saturday 17 July 2010 11:35

Dude dont sit like that. thats the queer sit. its ok for girls but youre a guy. Man Up!

Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1101379 - Saturday 17 July 2010 12:50

#35, WTF are you talking about? The only sitting I'm about to do is on your mom's face!

By rileykins | 0

#1100951 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:29

at least you didn't get a big bag of shit.

By Arsonnist | 3

#1100959 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:30

someone should have been on the naughty list.

By hsshae | 0

#1100963 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:31

ruin it with porn

By OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1100983 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:34

YAY HOT ROLLERS!!!