Geek: Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

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Geek

There's no helping some people

You tried

Sorry…

By notguilty - United States

Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my serious boyfriend was talking about how he wants to get engaged and married. I was really happy until he said he's excited mainly for the tax benefits. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Fairfield

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stress sweat overpowered my prescription strength deodorant 45 minutes into an 8-hour shift. I don't know who is more miserable, me or my coworkers. FML

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By sleepingbeauty - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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By yeyt209 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

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By atsukobo - United States

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

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By scaredshitless

Today, at 2:30am, I heard my baby crying on the monitor. As I got out of bed, she stopped crying and started laughing. There's nobody else in the house. FML

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By Flighted - Canada - Georgetown

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Nesoddtangen

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

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By notarobber - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a black beanie at a grocery store. I came around a corner, bumped into a woman and she screamed, "Murderer." I was immediately thrown out. FML

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By Icy

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By tingles - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML

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By Username

Reset my life

Today, I updated my Facebook status as, "Lost all my contacts, need numbers". My mom commented, "Her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends." Her comment got 32 likes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

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By TheHatedOne - Qatar

Today, my friend told me she had a stalker who had been emailing her. I laughed, and told her it was probably some fat, ugly virgin sat behind his computer all day. I then continued to describe and mock the stalker, only to realise that I was basically describing myself. FML

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By Rella

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crush was walking up to me and I put my earphones in, playing hard to get. When I heard him say something about a date I take an earphone out and say, "Oh, I didn't see you there!" His response, "They're not connected to anything," holds up the end of my earphones and walks away. FML

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By Leigha - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

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By 3LLI0TT - United States

Today, I poured my heart out into what had to be my greatest set of lyrics for my band ever, at the same time my teacher was explaining chemical changes to the class. At the end of the lecture he picked up my paper, and set it on fire to demonstrate a chemical change. FML

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By msamberjade - United States - Columbus

New movie

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

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By Kyle - United States

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

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By Suzie Leone - United States

Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML

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By mikep - Netherlands

Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied "It's not the cat you should worry about". FML

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By bleach bleach bleach - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

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By LoLWut?? nd Why?? - United States

Today, I went to a library to return a book that I've had for years. After a heated discussion with the librarian, not only did she charge me over a hundred dollars for the book, she also called the cops to escort me out. FML

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By Ladycakes - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while in bed, I tried to explain how overworked and unappreciated I feel doing all the housework to my fiancé. It was only when I'd finished my long rant that I realized he had been asleep almost the whole time. FML

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By I'mnotsmarttheothersarestupid - Austria - Vienna

Today, I had to reply to my boss's comments to a 50+ page document. Every second comment could be answered by, "See the sentence above/below" because apparently someone has problems with his short term memory. FML

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By nicky - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to stab myself with a knife while trying to open something without a can opener. After getting stitches and returning back home, I went to make a cup of coffee. I found the can opener in the cutlery drawer. FML

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By Frostbitten - United States - Freeport

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

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By bitter cherry - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 04:01 - United States - Weyauwega

Ungeeked

Today, while trying to fix a corrupted USB hard drive with my wife’s computer I accidentally wiped her laptop drive instead of clearing the external drive. I’m not allowed on her computers anymore. FML

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By Singlewife

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

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By Riskreh - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Berwyn

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

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By needtoscratch - United States - Duluth

Today, my dormant eczema decided to come back with a vengeance - on my scrotum. I work in an open office and can't scratch unless I repeatedly run into the restroom. FML

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Top comments

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#1100899 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:21

BITCH!!!

By te_amo_ily | 0

#1100897 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:20

nice mum of urs

COMMENTS

By te_amo_ily | 0

#1100897 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:20

nice mum of urs

ricky41397 | 0

#1101163 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:27

I know right!?! she sounds super nice lol

Vash_41288 | 10

#1101417 - Saturday 17 July 2010 13:59

jeez that's messed up hell of a mom ya got

tkdkid33 | 0

#1101673 - Saturday 17 July 2010 17:00

#2 u are hottt

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#1100899 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:21

BITCH!!!

pingpongpickle | 8

#1100905 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:22

hahah agree

peppermintazn | 0

#1101143 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:20

Yes, this pissed me off >:(

hellokitten | 0

#1101154 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:25

"like"

By pweetybby | 0

#1100913 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

that's not nice :(

andrewFML | 0

#1100996 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:35

whore..

te_amo_ily | 0

#1101038 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:48

hahahhaha

OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1101047 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:51

14 is buckethead

cheergirly16 | 0

#1101072 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:59

I second that....I mean cmonn:/

SKwrestler | 0

#1101116 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:11

i third that..

nunnie | 0

#1101119 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:12

so sad.. |smh|

OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1101157 - Saturday 17 July 2010 10:26

It will probably be taken off soon.

jplumbob | 4

#1101353 - Saturday 17 July 2010 12:26

I see 5 is looking for attention. I see nothing but an idiot. Most likely a dude posting a bogus pic.

wowthatshorrible_fml | 0

#1101858 - Saturday 17 July 2010 18:33

if #14 is buckethead, then I see why he wears a mask.

By Doopliss01 | 0

#1100921 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

Howd ya find out?

By hobozrule | 4

#1100923 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:25

buy her a pack of gum for her b-day

goodoldave | 17

#3942683 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 21:18

buy her a floppy disk

By Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1100945 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:29

This upcoming Christmas, you should give her a box into which you scooped up neighborhood dog shit.

chimpsndip | 0

#1101276 - Saturday 17 July 2010 11:35

Dude dont sit like that. thats the queer sit. its ok for girls but youre a guy. Man Up!

Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1101379 - Saturday 17 July 2010 12:50

#35, WTF are you talking about? The only sitting I'm about to do is on your mom's face!

By rileykins | 0

#1100951 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:29

at least you didn't get a big bag of shit.

By Arsonnist | 3

#1100959 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:30

someone should have been on the naughty list.

By hsshae | 0

#1100963 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:31

ruin it with porn

By OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1100983 - Saturday 17 July 2010 9:34

YAY HOT ROLLERS!!!