It's okay... at least she's not constantly asking if you're gay... Mine does

You should've brought headphones to tune her out...

you should have acted like this was all new to you and she was actually teaching you something that you didn't know

"I recommend you keep your garter belt securely fastened even when his pants are off, but to undo the belt, simply lift up the clips on your thighs and pull your stockings down. If you are particularly ugly, paper bags will be released from the drawer next to the bed. Place it over your head as quickly as possible and adjust the band to secure it. Then breath normally. Do make sure your own bag is correctly fitted before helping anyone else. Your condom is either beside or underneath your pillow. To use it, take it out of the packet and place it over his penis. Discard the condom when you leave the apartment. We don't supply condoms for babies and infants. In the likely event of him wanting to try out your evacuation slide, you'll be told to take the doggy position which is shown on this **** magazine under his bed. High-heeled shoes must be taken off. We will now explain how to leave his apartment in the morning. Move quickly to the closest usable exit, accidentally leaving your panties behind. Emergency lighting at floor level can be provided by crawling along with your iPhone in front of you. Opening the door automatically alerts his dog to come and sniff your crotch unexpectedly. Jump out of the door and move away from the apartment. As you leave the apartment, obtain a breath mint by opening the 2 year old packet in your handbag. If necessary, blow dust and old tissue off it using your mouth. A porch light will come on automatically and there's a wolf-whistle from a creepy neighbour for attracting attention. We'd like to remind you that smoking is not permitted during sex and that mobile phones must be switched off during foreplay and climax. Always make sure your baggage isn't in the way of casual hookups. It should be put behind you, or blamed on the partner before them."

Don't lie, you totally took out your handy dandy notebook and took maticulously detaled notes.

What's a condom?

What's a condom?

so? just man up and tell her not to tell you about it.

You should've asked the flight attendants for those pills that knock you out. That way you wouldn't have to listen to that shit haha

I'm impressed that she managed to continue screaming throughout.

Bloodcurdlingly, eh?

Mom knows best.