Kids: Today, my kid made a new friend at school. When I asked her to... - FML

By CasaDeLoser - 11/03/2015 05:32 - United States - Kent

Today, my kid made a new friend at school. When I asked her to describe her new friend, she said, "She looks kinda like you, only pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 989

You deserved it 3 297

Stop talking!

I've just got one of those faces

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

By optimistic2628 - 19/10/2011 14:03 - United States

Today, my twin boys who are 5 decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 968

You deserved it 7 040

By Anonymous - 17/04/2012 04:26 - United States

Today, there was a mandatory staff-wide "cleaning party" for a corporate inspection. I was assigned the outside bar which is infested with full-grown roaches with wings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 628

You deserved it 2 213

By Anonymous - 16/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, during the worst flu we've ever had, my wife and I have to go out into thirty-below weather to get firewood because the furnace broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 322

You deserved it 449

By sylverster - 15/03/2011 12:37 - Singapore

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 728

You deserved it 56 725

By Anonymous - 11/05/2010 15:04 - Netherlands

Today, an old lady asked me the way to the shopping mall. The shopping mall was not too far away, but I could see that the lady could barely walk so I offered to drive her there. She smacked my car's door into a pole while getting in my car. She didn't even notice that she'd done something wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 703

You deserved it 5 692

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 17:35 - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 343

You deserved it 12 827

By Baskets-Tailleur - 07/07/2014 06:58 - France

Today, as I was putting on sports shoes to get to a job interview in a hurry, a man ran past me and grabbed my formal shoes while shouting, "Ninja!" Try explaining to the guy at the interview why I was wearing sneakers with a skirt suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 431

You deserved it 4 876

Need help

By onwardsandupwards - 21/01/2020 14:00

Today, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend. As I was looking for his burial plot, I fell into a dug out grave and had to call my partner to come help me get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 936

You deserved it 436

By sayroshi - 30/06/2016 18:29 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old son decided to pull down his pants and pee outside as our local city's parade had just started marching down the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 353

You deserved it 1 302

By onthetoilet - 04/01/2010 22:20 - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 492

You deserved it 3 304

By Anonymous - 04/10/2013 21:41 - United States - Romulus

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend, who's already made two threats against my life, informed me that she now has a concealed carry permit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 451

You deserved it 3 573

By offrampmotel - 28/03/2017 14:00

Spicy

Today, my 4-year-old son discovered that he really likes masturbating. So much in fact, that he took pictures of it with my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 264

You deserved it 700

By Weasel123 - 26/10/2012 07:58 - United States - Anadarko

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan after watching a PETA video. She began this new-found lifestyle by throwing out all of the non-vegan items in the house, including some prime rib we had recently purchased, all of our ice cream, and my chocolate stash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 829

You deserved it 2 342

By elow72 - 19/02/2016 21:47 - United States - Nashua

Today, I woke up at 3:45 AM to fly to Pittsburgh to sample classes at a university there. After all that flying and sitting in traffic for 2 hours, I finally got to attend to my first class. I fell asleep during it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 431

You deserved it 5 566

By stuff2710 - 05/03/2012 00:27 - United States

Today, my friend and I walked 3 miles to a Starbucks. We went inside, paid for our coffees and walked the 3 miles back to my house. We forgot to pick up our coffees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 378

You deserved it 47 920

By Anonymous - 30/09/2014 17:45 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out that when I asked my buddy to make sure my girlfriend was safe while I was abroad, he really did; he even used a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 219

You deserved it 4 789

By Wife - 08/08/2011 00:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 356

You deserved it 6 620

By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 20:46 - Canada

Today, I found out that my estranged daughter has been married for five years. I wasn't told of or invited to their wedding, and the only reason I know now is because she needs money for a divorce lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 107

You deserved it 4 813

By Savingforplasticsurgery - 14/04/2018 19:00

Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 347

You deserved it 2 421

Next

By Anonymous - 09/01/2021 17:04 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out the first person I was able to open up to in nearly ten years is already in a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 113

By shorty - 11/04/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 653

You deserved it 4 847

By Anonymous - 29/07/2019 15:00 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 162

You deserved it 110

By screw life - 01/10/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, my brother saw my side when my shirt came up, and asked when I got a tattoo; the pink he saw was in fact my stretch marks. Worst of all, I had to show them to everyone to prove I didn't actually get a tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 632

You deserved it 3 039

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 07:23 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 812

You deserved it 3 211

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 07:32 - United States

Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 522

You deserved it 3 852

Supreme Betrayal

By chocobo - 11/07/2018 01:30

Today, I discovered that my family routinely waits until after my bedtime to order a pepperoni pizza, my favorite food. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm 17 and still have a strictly enforced bedtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 417

You deserved it 514

Nooooooo… !

By Nicole Jones - 01/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Today, after having a hard week, I decided to order a pizza with an expensive milkshake. It slipped out of my hand in front of the lift. It went everywhere. I had nothing on me to clean it up with. Now I’m milkshakeless, down £5, and accidentally responsible for littering my accommodation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 137

By daddy'sgirl - 21/06/2012 04:11 - United States - Memphis

Today, I was lecturing my high school students on the importance of a good education. I pointed out the janitor in the hall and told them if they didn't stay in school, they'd end up like him. Then one of my students raised her hand and reminded me that the janitor I pointed to was her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 172

You deserved it 75 237

By badluckbrian - 12/06/2019 04:15

Today, I lost my job. This was a surprise, as my performance hasn’t ever been an issue. My boss couldn’t look me in the eye while it happened, and the HR representative cut me off when I tried to ask why, informing me that they would only answer benefit-related questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 279

You deserved it 121

By wow - 08/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 052

You deserved it 8 854

By Nice Melons - 29/09/2013 21:12 - United States

Today, at work as a cashier, I was scanning cantaloupes. The man buying them then looked me straight in the eye and said, "Nice melons." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 654

You deserved it 4 932

By Anonymous - 27/02/2015 00:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 573

You deserved it 3 153

By wabbyfish - 14/03/2014 03:36 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 431

You deserved it 8 143

By Anonymous - 28/05/2017 22:00

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 607

You deserved it 386

By Anonymous - 07/06/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with really sore abs; not from working out at the gym, but because I've been coughing for 3 days straight and nothing is helping. Now every time I cough, it physically hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 467

You deserved it 118

By Anonymous - 24/06/2018 20:30

Today, I was fired from my job for "lack of work". What that means is that my boss hired his good-for-nothing lazy son, who then got too big of a mortgage, and he had to let me go to pay him a higher salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 907

You deserved it 189

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 05:55 - United States - Truckee

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo, because she loves tigers. Correction: she used to love tigers, until one sprayed urine on her from a distance of four meters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 321

You deserved it 5 403

By mel - 18/01/2013 23:18 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 945

You deserved it 3 111

By ahh - 28/12/2009 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, the last person I invited to my birthday party called and said they couldn't come because another party "came up" and they "hope I understand". It's on December 31st. This happens every year without fail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 876

You deserved it 9 063

By zed - 09/09/2012 17:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 866

You deserved it 3 084

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Top comments

HeadlessSparrow 20

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:15

Dayum! Shots fired!

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:14

Kids these days...

Comments

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:14

Kids these days...

False_Stupidity 41

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 23:48

Kids since... ever! They don't have filters and just say what's on their mind, always have and always will.

ColonelCusswords 24

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:14

Raised a true joker, didnt ya?

senor_octubre 24

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:14

Kids have no filter. Don't take it personally OP:)

JazzHandsFML 28

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 20:06

so wait they have no filter therefore only speak the truth, shouldn't she take it personally especially if it's her own?

jaychourox121 15

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 22:09

One of my favorite things on the Internet is something that says: "If a woman tells you you're ugly, she's envious. If a man tells you you're ugly, he's a jerk. If a kid tells you you're ugly, you're ugly."

sky413 26

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:14

Ouch

Johnnycake23 42

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:15

Tell her to act right before she gets smacked right

IWishIWasObama 12

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:15

Did you really care about how you compared to your child's friend?

HeadlessSparrow 20

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:15

Dayum! Shots fired!

Roythetickler 21

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 22:32

Little hostility in the air

cottoncandylips 16

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:16

Kids say the silliest things!

NinjaBoyDavido 13

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:18

Well congrats on your kid making a friend, not congrats on being called ugly.

JazzHandsFML 28

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 20:07

it never said ugly, it could be words like revolting, sickening, hideous, eye gouger, and others :D

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 22:39

Like your profile picture?

NinjaBoyDavido 13

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Thursday 12 March 2015 0:02

Whoa whoa that's just uncalled for.

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Wednesday 11 March 2015 17:24

At least your kid made a friend, laugh it off OP

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 6

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 1 639

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 828

You deserved it 184