Today, I hung out with my crush for only the second time at his apartment. He was having a party. After a few sips of my green apple Smirnoff, I puked up the chinese food I had eaten earlier all over his new couch in front of him and a bunch of people I didn't know. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I finally kissed the guy I really love at a party. He took me outside and immediately vomited. FML
Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML
Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years… by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML
Today, I threw up on my crush's lawn. FML
Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML
Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML
Today, I was drunk at a party and confessed my love for my crush and told her how I felt. According to my friends, I made out with another girl not long after my confession. FML
Today, the girl I’ve been trying to date not only agreed to a date, she invited me back to her place because the date went so well. We were kissing so hard, I struggled to breathe, I coughed, gagged, then vomited my seafood dinner all over her yellow sofa. It all went downhill from there. FML
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Top comments
Slicky 0
At least aim for the floor! Dammit, it costs a lot of money to have a couch cleaned professionally. You seriously owe him like oral sex on demand for a month or something.
fuck_my_knife 0
you need to learn to handle your drink!
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Comments (30)
fuck_my_knife 0
you need to learn to handle your drink!
DLBL 23
And not drink Green Apple Smirnoff like a child. Ew.
Slicky 0
At least aim for the floor! Dammit, it costs a lot of money to have a couch cleaned professionally. You seriously owe him like oral sex on demand for a month or something.
sammieg17 5
So he has to pay to clean the couch and in return she gives oral? Doesn't that sound like protestation ?
Talis99 26
No one ever "owes" anyone sexual favors.
Talis99 26
@sammieg: I think you mean "prostitution" and if you do, you don't understand how prostitution works. If you did mean protestation, that makes even less sense.
Synthetic42 0
I agree with #3, with the on-demand oral for a month I'd let it slide
NightElfGod 0
shit...please tell me it was smirnoff vodka. I have a friend who cant even handle 1 shot of anything but she can drink those regular smirnoffs like it was water.
MukyDaCookie 0
Whats lighter than a featherweight? You!
rednals 0
Today i put a date rape drug in this girls drink i guess it didnt go over well she puke it up with a bunch of chineese food FML
C0okieMonster 0
YDI for eating Chinese food instead of cookies!!! Cookie!
Jess_Love 0
yeah... ... cookies... or pretzels... and for those of you calling her a lightweight (it might be true... and it might not...): chinese food usually has rice, right? rice expands when there is a liquid to soak up, right? rice soaks up alcohol, her stomach can't hold it all, she pukes... doesn't mean she's a lightweight.
bigboy_245 0
nice never knew that
iampunk 0
Jess_Love just changed my outlook on life with that.
aquariusbeauty 0
No more chinese food for you!
killrranged 0
LOL at # 3
Chillbeans89 0
Same thing happened to me only his brother actually stepped in a puddle of my puke we've been dating for three months now don't worry about it too much LOL