Today, my younger brother sat on some poison ivy. He didn't have... - FML

By ReallyRyan? - 1/9/2018 06:00

Today, my younger brother sat on some poison ivy. He didn't have any symptoms because he's pretty much immune to it. Also today, my boyfriend had to run to the ER because he got poison ivy on his genitalia. I knew they spent way too much time together. FML

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Boozehound alert

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous - 11/6/2020 14:04

This one simple trick! Doctors hate her!

Today, I received many compliments from my co-workers on the weight I've lost and how nice I look. I haven't slept for the past month, and eating makes me nauseous. I don't have the heart to tell them my secret is anxiety and depression. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2015 05:49 - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom kissed me goodbye before I went to a big job interview. I got weird looks on the way there, but I figured it was just because I look like a massive douche in formal wear. Turns out my mom had smeared lipstick all over my chin. The person who finally let me know was my interviewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2016 07:46 - Netherlands - Overveen

Today, I dreamed a rat crawled up from the toilet and attacked me. Now I'm afraid to even enter the bathroom. FML

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By tiredeolfatty - 21/9/2012 02:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

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By Jeff - 25/8/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

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By sandwichmaker - 17/7/2011 02:46 - United States

Today, while working at Subway, a man ordered a sub with avocado. When I told him it was no longer available, he screamed, spit in my face and ran out, pushing over an innocent bystander in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 18:29 - United States - Newark

Today, I was notified I'm being discharged after 2 weeks because my employers don't have the time to train me at my first real job in 6 years. FML

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By jakethemuss - 9/8/2014 23:03 - Australia - Perth

Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

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By - 12/1/2020 05:00

Beautiful car

Today, I sold my wife's old car because I bought her a newer and nicer one. On the way back home from the sale, the transmission went out in her new one. FML

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By stupdude3 - 26/3/2012 14:51 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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By swtkiss1 - 18/2/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

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By Golden~ - 1/6/2011 09:20 - Canada

Today, I found out that the school principal takes all the money from the school fund raisers to buy herself donuts. I'd donated over $100. FML

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By blah - 15/8/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, my daughter decided to come out to me by leaving a browser window open with the results page of an online "Are you lesbian?" quiz. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 13:39 - United States - Revere

Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML

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By Champignon - 1/11/2013 14:17 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, during dinner, my mom told my dad and me in great detail about the "awesome" new cosmetic surgery idea she just had: constructing earlobes for lobeless ears, using skin taken from women's labia. I was forced to sit through this until I finished my plate. FML

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By Alex White - 2/5/2016 16:50 - Canada - Westerose

Today, my husband was using the microwave when we suddenly hear a huge 'POP'. The good news is we found our daughter's missing hamster. FML

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By can't eat paper - 11/5/2014 01:34 - United States

Today, after a long day at work, I was starving, so I stopped by the drive-through for something to eat. When I got home and hurriedly opened the bag, all I found inside was napkins. Thanks, McDonald's. FML

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By pickit - 25/2/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I brought to her attention a rather large zit on the corner of her mouth. She called me an insensitive prick. I only pointed it out because I didn't want other people to see it and make fun of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2015 05:10 - United States

Today, my husband missed the toilet again. I would have been less disgusted if he'd peed this time. FML

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By Annonmyus - 3/12/2010 08:56

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

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By Ella - 24/7/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

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By SmokeWeedErdayAllDay - 18/4/2020 17:00

Cheap

Today, I was in the mood for some coffee, which is right down the street. I brought ten dollars with me, not knowing how much I'd need. When I approached the counter, the barista looked at my hand holding the ten-dollar bill and said, "Oh, our cheap things are on the left side of the menu." FML

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By themcdave - 19/5/2012 08:03 - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

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By CheeseAndCrackers - 30/4/2020 08:00

Everyone loves a weepie

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 02:55 - United States - Hebron

Today, I went on my first date. Everything went great until I went to brush my date's hair over her ear like they do in the movies. I poked her dead in the eye. FML

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By Boo Boo - 22/1/2012 04:23 - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 23:19 - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my 10-year-old son told my 5-year-old daughter that we're a ghost family, and told her to run through our glass door to see for herself. She believed it, ran straight into the door, and ended up having to be taken to hospital. FML

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By Alien - 29/12/2016 11:07 - Switzerland

Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML

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By un_christmas - 25/12/2012 06:41 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, my boyfriend and I were having Christmas dinner while his mom was away. I was lying alone on his bed while he did the dishes, when the bedroom door dramatically swung open and his mom glared at me from the doorway. I had to leave when she screamed "FORNICATION IS A SIN!" FML

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By onlyme - 23/5/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid out, so I began to paint with a handheld cart. I finished the entire field without looking back once. I forgot to put paint in the cart. I walked around a field for an hour painting with air. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2019 20:00

Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol FML

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By tillybonkers - 26/9/2018 22:00

Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of aids testing here I come. FML

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By thanksad - 23/8/2013 01:38 - United States - Cerritos

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

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By xxxkkxxx - 29/7/2011 15:37 - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

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By pzy - 24/10/2016 15:46

Today, I'm in the middle seat on a flight to Dallas. The guy on the aisle is sleeping with his mouth open and I can smell his breath. I feel nauseous. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my 8-year-old sister learned how to type her name into a phone using the number key-pad. I later found my phone on the kitchen counter with all my contacts under her name. FML

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By Carla - 12/11/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night choking and had to open my bedroom window. No, it wasn’t a gas leak. My husband had a curry last night and his constant farting was so bad I was struggling to breathe. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 23:00

British Broadcasting Corporation

Today, working from home due to the quarantine, things were going slow so I typed "Lola Fox BBC DP porn" into my team chat, thinking I was typing it into my browser. My supervisor took it down as soon as it happened, but people definitely saw. FML

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By maxiflouf - 28/12/2009 09:50 - France

Today, someone I used to know got in touch with me, after I hadn't heard from him in years. He insisted that we met up as soon as possible, and wanted me to go to his house that afternoon. I spent the afternoon repairing his computer. Since then, no news. FML

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Top comments

By Jerry Leberer | 12

#7686074 - Saturday 1 September 2018 6:36

at least you found out now before you got it somewhere.

By tounces7 | 27

#7686063 - Saturday 1 September 2018 6:11

I mean....how? Did your brother sit on it completely bare-assed or something? I mean was he wiping with it too? I'm failing to understand the mechanics of this.

COMMENTS

By Boyufd | 22

#7686061 - Saturday 1 September 2018 6:08

this is like the other FML, when OP caught her boyfriend bending over for their neighbor's teenage son

By tounces7 | 27

#7686063 - Saturday 1 September 2018 6:11

I mean....how? Did your brother sit on it completely bare-assed or something? I mean was he wiping with it too? I'm failing to understand the mechanics of this.

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7686076 - Saturday 1 September 2018 6:44

Could have happened if OP's bro and boyfriend were getting it on outside.

Reply

blightsight | 10

#7686230 - Saturday 1 September 2018 13:32

the brother and boyfriend were having anal sex

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#7686301 - Saturday 1 September 2018 17:16

Yes I understood the sex part....however the parts that would be touching each other, would not typically be the parts that also touch the poison Ivy unless you really just rubbed it all up in there.

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7686437 - Saturday 1 September 2018 23:09

you ain't the only one.

Reply

Alexiskovich | 6

#7691275 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 10:16

The OP's bf and younger brother are fucking. The OP's bf fucked the younger brother in the ass and got poison ivy.

By Jerry Leberer | 12

#7686074 - Saturday 1 September 2018 6:36

at least you found out now before you got it somewhere.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7686087 - Saturday 1 September 2018 7:49

Apparently the call of nature is strong with those two 🤣🤣

By _Hakuna_Matata_ | 12

#7686099 - Saturday 1 September 2018 8:21

Well, maybe, just maybe your younger brother sat on your boyfriends lap accidentally in a steam room? (FRIENDS for reference XD)

By EggyDogger | 13

#7686111 - Saturday 1 September 2018 8:52

Hol up

By boredgirl_02 | 14

#7686200 - Saturday 1 September 2018 12:33

He could have slapped him on the ass in a good game type a way and then touched himself.
I got it cause my ex or my dog walked in it and somehow whatever my hands touched got it.

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7686247 - Saturday 1 September 2018 14:19

Why in the world is there so many FML that their own relative had stabbed them in the back by sleeping with their boyfriend/girlfriend? What’s wrong with these relatives?

Reply

thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7686313 - Saturday 1 September 2018 17:49

I know FML is like a soap opera

By dwight7476 | 11

#7686372 - Saturday 1 September 2018 20:04

At least you didn’t find out about from somebody else

By Chazzster | 20

#7686503 - Sunday 2 September 2018 1:17

Why is boyfriend not now your ex-boyfriend?