Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML
Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML
Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML
Today, my wife spent all day texting me dirty things so I used some of my holiday hours to come home 3 hours early for some sexy time. During my drive home she got in a bad mood, and no longer wanted sex. FML
Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML
Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML
Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML
Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML
Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML
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Top comments
Coop817 19
I think he's horny. I may be wrong though.
robo_thunder 13
He really has a way with words
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Comments (114)
Goodbye_graceful 5
I think its trying to communicate.. What should we do?
dogpfcorn 11
What If the OP is a ginger? I mean think about, fire crotch.....obviously a fire hydrant is needed at this time
CabbageTrees 13
Someone's been using autocorrect!
Xotoolyxo 16
Get an umbrella
skyeyez9 25
And two weeks later, OP is still trying to get the residue out of her ears, nose, eyes, hair...etc
perdix 31
#39, A classic FML reference! When that one came out, I'll bet most of the current readers were hanging out on MySpace.
StanSmith2013 26
Better use some birth control!
CharresBarkrey 16
But they're married... Maybe they want kids.
magnetic_aura 26
And he said he was going to spray her face...
KingVin 5
He's a keeper
Enslaved 38
Gotta take care of those cobwebs building up in his blue balls. If not, the filter in his brain stops working. :P
mrperspire 4
Ah marriage. It brings people together.