Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML
Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML
Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML
Today, my wife spent all day texting me dirty things so I used some of my holiday hours to come home 3 hours early for some sexy time. During my drive home she got in a bad mood, and no longer wanted sex. FML
Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML
Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML
Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML
Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML
Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML
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Top comments
Coop817 19
I think he's horny. I may be wrong though.
robo_thunder 13
He really has a way with words
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Comments (114)
emotac 2
Your husband is my hero
panda_lou 11
Oh this was from Canada. That's exactly something my guy would say, was a tad concerned. :)
need2sleep 15
Unless that is something you are used to hearing, I'd have been scared! I would've told him I wasn't home yet, start without me and hopped in the car!! LOL
yzzami 17
What a creep
chuckles1 3
True love, enough said lol
cartedor 18
Magic of predictive texting?
SillyGirl4602 23
I think he meant what he said.
DracoSpirita 21
And he said what he meant. ...I forget the next line.
whY402Jay 12
Ta all skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. Ta all skeet, skeet God ****.
sonnyrosa 32
Such a romantic! The poetic prowess of your husband should be captured in books! Not really, but hey, at least he's thinking of you... I guess that's a bonus
MNBOY16 15
I like the way you think!
twiztedone 19
Wow he sucks at sexting!
MNBOY16 15
So how did it go with Casanova?