Intimacy: Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work.... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 20:59 - Canada - Owen Sound

Spicy

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 008

You deserved it 6 017

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Same thing different taste

By BatBee - 03/08/2016 02:29 - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 350

You deserved it 1 519

By Anonymous - 09/01/2014 17:59 - United States - Imperial

Spicy

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 066

You deserved it 7 760

By Nav - 16/06/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I sent a sexy text to my husband while he waited for a flight home at the airport. This was his response. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 359

You deserved it 767

By The Soul Of A Damned Queef - 31/01/2015 04:04 - United States - Dublin

Spicy

Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 578

You deserved it 6 585

Access denied

By Anonymous - 26/09/2023 19:00 - United Kingdom - Barnsley

Spicy

Today, my wife spent all day texting me dirty things so I used some of my holiday hours to come home 3 hours early for some sexy time. During my drive home she got in a bad mood, and no longer wanted sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 115

Sexy talk

By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 06:40 - United States - Denver

Spicy

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 989

You deserved it 4 798

Romantic

By Anonymous - 22/01/2011 05:29 - Canada

Spicy

Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 898

You deserved it 6 856

Shower sex time?

By mark - 31/12/2011 17:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 688

You deserved it 40 198

By DreeStahr - 30/09/2016 04:05 - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 891

You deserved it 1 377

By ChopSuey - 01/06/2016 04:02 - United States - West Monroe

Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 898

You deserved it 1 616

Next

Top comments

Coop817 19

Saturday 19 January 2013 2:13

I think he's horny. I may be wrong though.

robo_thunder 13

Saturday 19 January 2013 2:12

He really has a way with words

Comments

emotac 2

Saturday 19 January 2013 7:00

Your husband is my hero

panda_lou 11

Saturday 19 January 2013 7:18

Oh this was from Canada. That's exactly something my guy would say, was a tad concerned. :)

need2sleep 15

Saturday 19 January 2013 7:18

Unless that is something you are used to hearing, I'd have been scared! I would've told him I wasn't home yet, start without me and hopped in the car!! LOL

yzzami 17

Saturday 19 January 2013 10:14

What a creep

chuckles1 3

Saturday 19 January 2013 10:32

True love, enough said lol

cartedor 18

Saturday 19 January 2013 11:49

Magic of predictive texting?

SillyGirl4602 23

Saturday 19 January 2013 12:01

I think he meant what he said.

DracoSpirita 21

Saturday 19 January 2013 15:26

And he said what he meant. ...I forget the next line.

whY402Jay 12

Saturday 19 January 2013 13:08

Ta all skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. Ta all skeet, skeet God ****.

sonnyrosa 32

Saturday 19 January 2013 13:26

Such a romantic! The poetic prowess of your husband should be captured in books! Not really, but hey, at least he's thinking of you... I guess that's a bonus

MNBOY16 15

Saturday 19 January 2013 14:37

I like the way you think!

twiztedone 19

Saturday 19 January 2013 13:33

Wow he sucks at sexting!

MNBOY16 15

Saturday 19 January 2013 14:35

So how did it go with Casanova?

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The Top

Today, I set aside a weekend to spend time with a friend. I learned that someone else is staying there: a fat, unemployed man-child who talks shit about us on Facebook, while his manipulative wife pays his bills. He got evicted from his last home when he pretended to be a ninja and cut up his neighbor's garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 335

You deserved it 70

Today, I tried to nicely talk to my daughter about her rapid weight gain. Having a family history of weight-related illness, I felt it was necessary. I offered to get thyroid tests, teach her to buy healthy food, and start routine exercise. She told everyone I called her a cow and had fat-shamed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 885

You deserved it 192

The Top

Today, I saw the guy who helped me yesterday when I was lost by telling me which bus to take. He came up to me and asked me how it went. I told him that the bus went the exact opposite way I wanted to go. He laughed and said, "I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 385

You deserved it 5 221

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 020

You deserved it 5 269

Today, this girl I like just told me a funny story about her pooping adventures. We shared a laugh and she told me "I could never say that to my boyfriend, but I can to you. I don't know, it's like the uglier the boy, the more comfortable I am with him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 627

You deserved it 3 553

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. He wants to introduce our girlfriend to our kids and make her a part of our everyday family life. When we started this, I was under the impression that it was just a sex thing, and wouldn’t leave our bedroom. He wants to make her his second wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 664

You deserved it 4 422

Today, the shy girl in my class decided to bring a cake to share with everyone, since it was her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "happy birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class know her name, myself included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 148

You deserved it 44 920

Today, I was cycling home. On the way, my laces got stuck in the bicycle pedals and I couldn't move the foot that got stuck. The bicycle fell over, with me attached to it. Everyone was looking at me like, "What are you doing?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 521

You deserved it 342