Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML
Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML
Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML
Today, my wife spent all day texting me dirty things so I used some of my holiday hours to come home 3 hours early for some sexy time. During my drive home she got in a bad mood, and no longer wanted sex. FML
Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML
Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML
Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML
Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML
Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML
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Top comments
Coop817 19
I think he's horny. I may be wrong though.
robo_thunder 13
He really has a way with words
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Comments (114)
samcro3 8
Sigh... romance IS still alive...
SystemofaBlink41 27
Breathe... So are we still writing all our actions? Blink...
supportcommand 17
Laughed out loud. Blink. Blink. Started typing, going to finish up now. Blink. Validate button.
ICastillo 25
At least he gave you fair warning before you got the high pressured hose. It can hurt when it unexpected.
perdix 31
With husbands like that, who needs enemas? He does. Once you break up the logjam, he'll start doing more conventional dirty talk.
theneatoburrito 8
*A text Silly Canadians and their grammar.
theycallmekitty 13
I don't know about y'all but hearing that would totally turn me on...
ldoonngg 5
She's a freak... Lol ;)
theycallmekitty 13
I just assumed everyone likes taking it to the face.
Yourheadache 19
Good to know I'm not the only one.
fml121785 14
Is that what happened to your face 55?!? 0.o
ThatLooksSticky 16
Agree! Sounds like a text from my boyfriend.
memjkm 4
You shall make an excellent **** star one day lol
theycallmekitty 13
Time to drop out of school.
notverysuperdean 9
Guess I'm going to Georgia
theycallmekitty 13
Thanks for the career advice, #96.
Haystack85 5
Will you have the same name on your website ...?
Twisted_Angel 17
lmao, well on the plus side, you know he's still sexually attracted to you...
naya_bingi 11
I'm curious as to how you responded back...
poccocurantes 7
That is a man under pressure. Horny, constipated and has to pee. Or he has voice recognition on his phone and he is stuck in traffic.
limerx 1
If he gets stuck in traffic on the way home he might have a little problem ... what will his wife think when he arrives late with a blown wad?
InUrArea 4
Well I think it's a good thing. He must be hot for you
tj5810 21
Wow... Panty dropper!