Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML
Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML
Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML
Today, my wife spent all day texting me dirty things so I used some of my holiday hours to come home 3 hours early for some sexy time. During my drive home she got in a bad mood, and no longer wanted sex. FML
Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML
Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML
Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML
Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML
Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML
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Top comments
Coop817 19
I think he's horny. I may be wrong though.
robo_thunder 13
He really has a way with words
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Comments (114)
hanymandy 6
That's disgusting and degrading...
fruitslut 11
I would have been cracking up and getting horny after a text like that. Well, look at my user name. Lol! Like others said, at least he is coming home to you.. Maybe not the most romantic love note, but I think he wanted more of the hair grabbing, butt slapping sex, not the candlelight and roses kind of sex.
FMLoverAgain 7
I want that man in my bed
GuinnessGirrrl 8
Chivalry & Romance is right up this guy's alley... Right up against the fire hydrant
Summer_Nat 0
I would have laughed so hard if my husband said that!
Yaqui_fml 9
And people say chivalry is dead; pssh.
Cattwalker 0
At least he still wants to **** you. Things could be worse.
bassgod 9
Let men be men...
LdyJstc 8
Truly, as a married man, he shouldn't be "backed up," OP! Get on your J-O-B!
PrettyAwesome76 8
At least he said I love you after wards :)