Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share...

By Anonymous - 10/3/2012 02:05 - United States

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

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Miscellaneous

Clocked

This is fine

Not a cheating!

By prian - 8/3/2010 12:08 - Canada

Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML

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By badboyfriend101 - 12/5/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, when I woke up, one half of my face was smooth and clear and the other half looked as if I got slapped by the Hand of Puberty itself. FML

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By anonymous - 16/7/2011 13:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a hot date. After we finished supper we went back to his place. My stomach started to feel upset so I politely asked where is bathroom was so I could "powder my nose". After ten minutes of agonizing diarrhea, I looked down and noticed he was out of toilet paper. FML

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By lonely - 12/4/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses were at my door. Normally I don't give them the time of day, but I was so lonely for company, I let them in. FML

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By Ohwhy - 27/10/2012 11:53 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, as I waited to fly home, a very attractive woman smiled and gestured towards the seat next to me. However, a hyperactive child and his mother barged past into said empty seats. The woman really hit it off with the guy behind, while I was stuck listening to a kid scream at Angry Birds. FML

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By xXMudkipNoobXx - 13/1/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

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By firethorn - 20/6/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

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By HELP - 7/6/2012 01:25 - United States

Today, I moved into a new house. The landlord insists it's OK for her to come up whenever she wants because she owns the house. We aren't allowed to lock the doors and she has two 8-year-olds. They come into the bathroom every time they hear the shower running. We have a clear shower curtain. FML

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By fuck - 16/12/2014 21:04 - Norway - Slemmestad

Today, I got a new downstairs neighbor. Herpes. FML

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By Some Girl - 8/1/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

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By Eyebrowless - 6/6/2015 16:29 - United States - Willingboro

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

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By rabbitoncocaine - 20/4/2012 06:41 - Germany - Unterbreizbach

Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

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By GHEttoUp - 1/5/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I are temporarily moved into a cheap apartment in town until settlement for the house we are buying. So far, from my balcony, I’ve a watched a drug deal take place and a man scratch at the ground then lick his hands. It’s going to be a long three weeks. FML

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By 1danzo1 - 17/7/2009 10:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 13:31 - India - Delhi

Zzzzzzzzzz

Today, I fell asleep in the middle of an online class. Now everyone calls me Sleeping Beauty. FML

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By Lovesickgal - 26/11/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom

Wrong number

Today, my ex-boyfriend texted me, saying, "I love you." Stupidly, I was very excited and replied, "At last! I still love you", to which he replied, "wrong number sorry, I don't love you." FML

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By notmyfault - 14/1/2016 22:21 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

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By hairstylistprobs - 23/6/2015 03:13 - United States

Today, I attended my best friend's wedding. Instead of throwing her bouquet, she turned around and handed it to me. I was the only single lady out of 150 guests. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML

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By gummy bear - 21/1/2011 11:41

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend "where art thou my love?" via SMS. She replied "Toilet." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 14:54 - Portugal - Alhandra

Today, my boyfriend thinks he's discovered a big conspiracy by dentists to sell toothpaste. He's arguing that nobody needs to brush their teeth, ever, because all the "new plaque" from food will dissolve the "old plaque", and the only thing he needs to use is breath spray. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 21:28 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, in a fit of jealousy over my recent muscle growth, my brother told our mom that I've only been going to the gym so I could smoke weed with my friends. She believed him and grounded me. FML

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By "Sam Fazackerley" - 27/11/2019 20:00

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

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By biblewanker - 17/12/2010 16:05 - Australia

Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML

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By WhatTheF - 11/7/2016 05:42

Today, after far too many times of my brother stealing food out of my own personal mini fridge, I bought a lock and chained the handles together. I came back to find that my brother had responded by breaking the doors off their hinges. FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2013 10:13 - United States - Richardson

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

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By SignificantShrinkage - 8/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

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By ohlordhelpmenow - 15/1/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 05:17 - United States - Muncy

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

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By Hotdamnthisismyjam - 16/6/2009 00:32 - Canada

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

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By noname - 27/12/2008 04:07 - France

Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2012 05:18 - United States - Hobbs

Today, my new boyfriend came over to my apartment for the first time. Up until now I thought he was great, but when he spotted the book I'm currently reading next to my couch, he uttered the immortal question, "Why do you read?" FML

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By Rekt - 10/11/2016 05:40 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By hannah - 17/2/2011 05:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By graham - 11/1/2020 14:00

Very mean

Today, my first time meeting my girlfriend's dad ended with him chasing me from his house and trying to hit me with a baseball bat. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 14:00

Eye-bleach please

Today, I have been having to work in a residence of people with disabilities when I normally do community work with disabled people and usually enjoy it. I have seen not one, but two elderly mens' genitals today when my actual job would never require me to see any. I didn’t sign up for this. FML

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By ugh mom! - 22/4/2020 20:00

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

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By englishtrio - 18/4/2009 06:45 - United States

Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

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By SomePeoplesKids - 8/5/2012 06:08 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She's 17. FML

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Top comments

By windfuelsfire | 10

#4143120 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:22

It ain't legit if he spoke to you about it

By buck33 | 14

#4143124 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:22

First rule of fight club: don't talk about fight club.

COMMENTS

By windfuelsfire | 10

#4143120 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:22

It ain't legit if he spoke to you about it

yahoowizard | 16

#4143728 - Saturday 10 March 2012 9:32

And it's only legit if he starts off by fighting himself

coldashell | 23

#4143813 - Saturday 10 March 2012 10:54

Just keep the lye away from him.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#4144030 - Saturday 10 March 2012 13:20

Is your Husband's name Robert Paulson?

Jamialia | 5

#4144812 - Saturday 10 March 2012 17:16

No, it's obviously Tyler Durden.

ladyLALAA | 28

#4146740 - Saturday 10 March 2012 22:38

Only in death does one have a name!

By nmcoy | 6

#4143122 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:22

Never talk about fight club. Ever.

miserypoison | 13

#4143871 - Saturday 10 March 2012 12:03

People had to break the first 2 rules to cause a gang of mayhem.

The first 2 rules were made to show that some rules are meant to be broken and are arbitrary.

By buck33 | 14

#4143124 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:22

First rule of fight club: don't talk about fight club.

airforce987 | 20

#4143243 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:34

Second rule of fight club: Don't talk about fight club!

DKjazz | 20

#4143369 - Saturday 10 March 2012 7:04

Third: Are we still talking about fight club?

muzy | 23

#4143639 - Saturday 10 March 2012 8:45

You are not one of us. I hereby banish you from this site. LEAVE !!

GrammarNazzzzzi | 6

#4143687 - Saturday 10 March 2012 9:06

Wrong!

Third rule about fight club: dont talk about the rules of fight club, because by doing so you are talking about fight club!

Fourth rule about fight club: SHHHHHHHHH

Btw i know these are not the real ones

XtraEzeee | 8

#4143752 - Saturday 10 March 2012 10:04

You all just talked about fight club.

airforce987 | 20

#4144172 - Saturday 10 March 2012 14:46

49 - so did you

XtraEzeee | 8

#4146325 - Saturday 10 March 2012 20:36

Touché 61, touché....

By Binsy | 8

#4143126 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:22

Fail. The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club!

BarDownDaily | 12

#4143385 - Saturday 10 March 2012 7:07

Thanks for clearing that up. The first 3 comments were kinda confusing.

starbeast | 0

#4143421 - Saturday 10 March 2012 7:16

It's unlikely she read the first three before posting since they all posted at the same time.

muzy | 23

#4143650 - Saturday 10 March 2012 8:48

23 made a mistake by assuming something. Quickly everyone, let us insult his lack of intelligence. I'll start: 23# you nincompoop !!

By mnmolino | 14

#4143133 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:23

Did you marry Peter Griffin by chance?

thisispointless | 2

#4144901 - Saturday 10 March 2012 17:34

your comment is AWSEOME

tdawg4200 | 0

#4146035 - Saturday 10 March 2012 19:36

No it isn't. Peter started a bar, not a fight club. Re-watch the episode so you can save yourself from some of the embarrassment you'll suffer when you realize I'm right. Plus, you spelled awesome wrong. There's no excuse for that.

mnmolino | 14

#4146973 - Sunday 11 March 2012 0:06

Awwwwe, thank you

mikemillzy92 | 6

#4147109 - Sunday 11 March 2012 1:15

Hahaha, witty one aren't ya?

mnmolino | 14

#4148886 - Sunday 11 March 2012 11:45

Idiots and lunatics can see only their own wit

mikemillzy92 | 6

#4151999 - Monday 12 March 2012 4:51

And a philosopher apparently

By aasshhll3eyy | 2

#4143168 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:27

you dont have a problem.... first rule of fight club dont talk about fight club!!! you could have a more serious problem as to what they will do if he used fight club as a cover!

By 1awliet | 8

#4143176 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:27

Well you'll make lots of money?

looloothing | 9

#4143292 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:43

A true fight club doesn't charge money. Everyone knows that.

DKjazz | 20

#4143388 - Saturday 10 March 2012 7:08

Unless you haven't read the book. There's no other way to learn about Fight Club, because, as exhaustively mentioned, it's forbidden to talk about Fight Club.