Love: Today, it's my fifth wedding anniversary. My wife bailed on the...

By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my fifth wedding anniversary. My wife bailed on the romantic dinner that I arranged in favor of running off with her friends. Their big event: an amateur Fight Club event they'd decided to stage in an abandoned parking lot. FML

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Love

Triage

Music nerds of the world unite!

Pay up, dude

By disneyworld - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and ended up throwing up as soon as I got home. My mother's first question was an accusatory, "What have you been drinking?" I was returning from the AA meeting I have been attending for over a month. I go because I'm afraid I'll become an alcoholic like her. FML

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By Unculturedsimp - 19/5/2020 17:00

Baby daddy

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I got her pregnant and didn't own up to it. I wouldn't have blamed her if it didn't actually happen in her dream. FML

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By Tiana Scott

Today, I left the door open while I went to the bathroom and my 11-month-old crawled in and then took off with my toilet paper. FML

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By cakekiller - United States

Today, there was a big cake at the office. I thought it was funny to pretend to push the cute girl in the office into it. She laughed, but then lost her balance and fell forward. Everyone saw. Turns out she’s allergic to coconut, even just the shavings on a cake, and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By bootyislife - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

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By MikeMorin18 - United States

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

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By Nutless - United States

Today, one of my baseball teammates thought it would be funny to perform a "cup-check", by hitting our crotches with the end of a baseball bat. I was actually watching the game, so I didn't see him when he came up and hit me. I wasn't wearing a cup. My nuts have shrunk by half of regular size. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blairstown

Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML

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By buttsmcgee - United States - Roseburg

Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML

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By Unknown - United States - Lamoni

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

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By sarah4241 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Masterchef

Today, I was making some scrambled eggs. I had the eggs in a pan, stirring for about ten minutes, before I realised that the eggs were cooking very slow. I tried to figure out what was wrong for another few minutes before my grandma pointed out to me that the oven wasn't turned on. FML

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By lala - United States

Today, I used the Print Screen button to take a picture of a really cute bag that I want for my birthday. After emailing it to my mom, I noticed I'd forgotten to close another tab in the browser. The tab had a very suggestive title, for an even more suggestive website. FML

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By ptarr12345 - United States - Lancaster

Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing all the dirt, I gave him the hose and said, "Okay, now rinse off this disgusting thing." He turned the hose on me. FML

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By elrjay - Spain - Madrid

Today, I'm laying in my holiday apartment with the patio doors open, listening to the german man next door take dirty pics of his wife on the balcony. I'm too scared to get up and shut the door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Amboy

Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week. Ten minutes into lunch break, I was brutally nailed in the neck by a football. Now, not only do I look like I was given a hickey by the Jolly Green Giant himself, I have to wear a neck brace at my graduation ceremony. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to tan herself with her regular desk lamp. She won't believe that it wouldn't give her a tan. She's 16 years old. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Hello? Hello?

Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I had to explain to several young children why asking the new blind girl to play hide and seek with them is inappropriate. FML

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By pepsifoot - United States

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

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By savanah_aaron

Today, I have to use the same techniques to trick my 24-year-old husband into brushing his teeth, as I do my 2-year-old. FML

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By Madison43097 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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29606

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By comics over coatis

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By TheStroker

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

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By crudofalife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bliss

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 23:01

"I'm horny, horny horny horny"

Today, I got incredibly horny at work. No one was in the office, so I spread out on my yoga mat and started to masturbate. All of the sudden, I heard a forklift outside. I quickly tried to hide, but I think the construction worker caught me. He’ll be working here all month. FML

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By Uknowwh - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

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By paddy - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a neon themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML

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By emeraldarcher74 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

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By vicious circle - Sint Maarten (Dutch part)

Today, I called the HR department of a big company, inquiring about a vacancy for a website designer. Boy, do they need one; there are dead links, malware warnings, and a layout from the '90s, but no info at all about recruitment. The lady just angrily referred me to the website and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Queen Creek

Today, I discovered that my 12-year-old son has secretly been printing out and selling copies of the suggestive photos from my camera that I'd taken for my husband. He's been selling them to kids at school for a dollar each. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

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By LucidNightmare - United States - Englewood

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

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By poormom - United States

Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5588523 - Saturday 20 July 2013 1:50

And she talked to you about it? No wonder it's amateur.

By QQMorePlox | 18

#5588531 - Saturday 20 July 2013 1:52

...5 rule of fight club no shirts no shoes. OP, why aren't you going to watch?!

COMMENTS

By Pleonasm | 34

#5588523 - Saturday 20 July 2013 1:50

And she talked to you about it? No wonder it's amateur.

Thundering_Jibbs | 13

#5588567 - Saturday 20 July 2013 2:00

If I were OP, I wouldn't eat his wife's split pea soup...

\ | 28

#5588591 - Saturday 20 July 2013 2:09

I sure hope that parking lot isn't next to a liposuction clinic

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5588687 - Saturday 20 July 2013 3:34

The first rule of fight club...

powerhunger | 4

#5589030 - Saturday 20 July 2013 6:43

It's funny because if the genders were reversed, the comments here would be a lot more different.

Pleonasm | 34

#5589299 - Saturday 20 July 2013 12:06

For my part, my joke would've remained the same.

Ki11erC | 18

#5589687 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:41

You replied under 1's comment, no comment in this comment section would be different at all.

wowthatissad | 9

#5591300 - Monday 22 July 2013 0:32

It's funny because your not supposed to talk about fight club.

By IanMoone3611 | 12

#5588524 - Saturday 20 July 2013 1:51

Wait, isn't it usually the other way around?

CallMeWindSock | 24

#5589286 - Saturday 20 July 2013 11:31

Never break up a fight between two females.

Ty_Peer | 4

#5589473 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:12

Or in this case, between a girl and herself

By QQMorePlox | 18

#5588531 - Saturday 20 July 2013 1:52

...5 rule of fight club no shirts no shoes. OP, why aren't you going to watch?!

uoeno_fml | 20

#5588643 - Saturday 20 July 2013 2:44

Well they already broke the first rule

KylarStern19 | 7

#5588747 - Saturday 20 July 2013 4:27

And the second and the third

EnterSandman_fml | 20

#5589095 - Saturday 20 July 2013 7:26

Maybe his wife's friends are Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell, Hillary Clinton, and Melissa McCarthy?

By bribecrazyy | 14

#5588536 - Saturday 20 July 2013 1:52

she sounds awesome! even if she did break the first rule.

tehman117 | 21

#5588605 - Saturday 20 July 2013 2:17

And second

missfrenchie | 11

#5588762 - Saturday 20 July 2013 4:38

And third too

Horsempeg | 25

#5589699 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:59

That is pretty awesome.. sorry about you anniversary, but come on!

By RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5588541 - Saturday 20 July 2013 1:53

Why are you telling us this? WHAT THE FIRST RULE, OP?

By walkingspastic | 22

#5588547 - Saturday 20 July 2013 1:54

Sounds like a keeper to me. Make sure you keep her dinner warm!

By ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5588548 - Saturday 20 July 2013 1:54

Dude. Your wife sounds awesome. I want her autograph in case she goes pro!

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#5588576 - Saturday 20 July 2013 2:01

I strongly advise you not to start an argument about this. Otherwise your next fml might involve the word hospital.

By br00kr | 22

#5588577 - Saturday 20 July 2013 2:03

Hahahahaha thats funny!!!

By thatnucca | 36

#5588583 - Saturday 20 July 2013 2:05

2nd rule of fight club: don't bail on fight club for any personal celebratory reasons... No?

poodle_juice | 17

#5588727 - Saturday 20 July 2013 4:15

2nd rule of fight club: DO NOT talk about fight club.