Intimacy: Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 9

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 739

18/02/2013 08:24

Spicy

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 513

You deserved it 3 361

Triage

Hiding from the drama

Gruesome

07/08/2011 20:29

Today, at my job as a movie theater attendant, my boss finally eased up and let me sit in on one of the movies. One woman kept laughing out loud every other line. After ten minutes of her braying like a dying horse, I got up and had her ejected from the theater. I'm a terrible person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 982

You deserved it 12 017

09/07/2014 20:49

Today, my road rage got so out of hand that I'm now actually inclined to honk obnoxiously at my computer when it's being slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 797

You deserved it 17 171

27/09/2016 22:36

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend tried to hook me up with a guy. It's the second time it happened since I met her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 440

You deserved it 1 554

01/05/2013 17:23

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 548

You deserved it 4 683

23/07/2011 23:53

Today, my constant bragging to friends caught up with me, and everyone believes I'm a swinger. Because of this, no girl wants to go out with me, in case they become just another notch under my belt. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 924

You deserved it 99 125

04/10/2010 02:04

Spicy

Today, I woke up finding out I had a wet dream last night. About someone other than my girlfriend. I don't remember anything about the dream, but my girlfriend remembers everything, aparently I talked through out my dream, she was right next to me listening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 668

You deserved it 5 891

29/06/2014 20:37

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 322

You deserved it 60 768

20/10/2010 07:00

Today, I met my roommate for the first time. I walked in the door to see him in full Roman gladiator gear, screaming at the computer because he lost 18 knights. He also told me he wakes up every 3 hours to make sure his army is still intact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 260

You deserved it 3 504

11/10/2013 06:09

Today, the creepy regular customer found out I was lying about having a boyfriend in order to keep him away. He now thinks this is me playing hard to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 874

You deserved it 5 071

21/12/2011 03:18

Today, my business is doing so badly that people are teaching their kids to drive in the empty parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 523

You deserved it 2 985

05/07/2011 14:32

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 241

You deserved it 3 043

26/12/2015 13:41

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 312

You deserved it 2 975

27/01/2017 04:00

Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 596

You deserved it 910

06/09/2009 04:35

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 898

You deserved it 36 275

06/07/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 146

You deserved it 228

29/11/2015 21:10

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 229

You deserved it 1 952

Bad choice

By chopchop - 25/12/2019 01:00

Today, I went to a different hairdresser than usual to get 5 inches off my hair and bangs. He ended up charging me half price, saying, "Don't worry, we all make mistakes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 659

You deserved it 231

Anger management

By FML - 08/12/2013 18:00

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 576

You deserved it 3 382

12/05/2011 02:01

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 494

You deserved it 9 771

14/12/2009 18:49

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 670

You deserved it 11 766

20/08/2015 21:24

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 471

You deserved it 5 014

That's quite a gamble, sir

By Enrique - 29/04/2021 23:01

Today, I called off my engagement because I fell in love with my best friend of 10 years since we recently reconnected. I confessed my feelings to her and asked her out. She rejected me and said she only sees me as a friend. Now I’m completely single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 212

You deserved it 2 521

19/02/2011 07:57

Spicy

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 334

You deserved it 6 880

20/12/2012 11:19

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 305

You deserved it 9 033

13/01/2010 12:40

Today, my friend told me men can't be trusted. I told her that wasn't true; I have my husband's password to his email but I never check it because I trust him. She bet me he was doing something bad, and to prove her wrong I looked. Turns out he has been cheating on me for 8 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 778

You deserved it 5 486

WTF are you doing?

By onlyolivia - 11/02/2016 19:55

Today, we had some workers come to paint my office building. As a receptionist, it's my job to stock the fridge with soda. I walked into the supply closet just in time to find a worker peeing in a bucket. I stood there for about 10 seconds before I understood what was happening and ran out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 650

You deserved it 1 364

05/01/2012 17:13

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 636

You deserved it 4 587

03/11/2014 18:56

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 784

You deserved it 5 963

Kinkshaming

By no way! - 29/08/2021 17:01

Spicy

Today, my funny, handsome, intelligent, caring, all around awesome boyfriend and I broke up. He introduced me to his fetish and wanted me to participate. His fetish? Dressing, talking, and acting like a baby. He wanted us to both wear diapers and pretend to be babies together. Fuck that noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 368

You deserved it 198

02/08/2013 21:34

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 911

You deserved it 5 371

05/12/2011 01:13

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 948

You deserved it 3 366

21/07/2012 08:00

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 832

You deserved it 5 001

The Rainbow Bridge

By fishyrael - 30/10/2019 20:00

Today, at my job at a pet store, my boss told me to go outside and hand out flyers. I saw a man sitting on a bench and walked up, saying, "Hi! Do you have a pet?" He teared up and said, "I just put her down this morning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 143

You deserved it 160

Might never happen, love

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 05:02

Today, I was blocked by a girl I like. She said I was mean for not understanding why she hates when people tell her to smile. I worked as a waiter and hated when people told me to smile all the time. Yet I'm the one who doesn't understand, apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 055

You deserved it 271

07/07/2019 06:00

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 697

You deserved it 110

10/07/2011 00:19

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 859

You deserved it 6 783

15/11/2018 05:00

Today, my dryer was finally repaired after not working for over a month. I did one load of laundry and my washer stopped working. Another day, another $400+ repair bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 577

You deserved it 152

12/11/2013 23:57

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 881

You deserved it 5 220

20/12/2015 13:26

Today, I had fallen asleep in the back of a friend's car on the way home from a night out. When I woke up, they were in the middle of a full-on make out session. I had to pretend to be asleep for 20 minutes until they decided to "wake me up". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 486

You deserved it 3 093

Freaked out

By radioinvader - 28/10/2012 12:29

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down, laughing uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 485

You deserved it 3 748

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Top comments

katt_is_here 24

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:12

Sounds like damn good advice to me!

xStaciexLynnx 15

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:03

We have videos of my mom on Ambien. People do some pretty odd stuff...

Comments

cupcakechick 17

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Monday 18 February 2013 16:57

you should take ur mom to the doctors

xStaciexLynnx 15

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:07

It's a sleeping pill. She'll fall asleep and it'll wear off. There's not much a doctor can do.

cupcakechick 17

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Monday 18 February 2013 22:29

she can overdose

JustOhSoLovely 6

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Tuesday 19 February 2013 4:02

She already overdosed. Now it needs to wear off.

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Monday 18 February 2013 16:58

She may need a lower doseage

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:05

You don't say?!

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:36

Actually - she took a double dosage, as in she took twice the amount prescribed.

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:49

So technically, she would need a lower dosage, at least in that moment. Not trying to be a smartass here. Just being technical.

kwyk 23

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Tuesday 19 February 2013 0:17

Technically, you were being a smartass.

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Tuesday 19 February 2013 11:36

Always better than being a dumbass!

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Tuesday 19 February 2013 13:16

Thank you!

katt_is_here 24

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Saturday 23 March 2013 20:33

Technically, you were just wrong and should admit it. Technically.

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:00

She sounds like a fun person to party with.

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:47

Really? Cause it seems like she'd fall asleep pretty quickly

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Monday 18 February 2013 18:05

Yes.. but only if you behave apparently

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Monday 18 February 2013 22:58

She sounds like a terrible politician.

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:03

Why did she take twice as much?

xStaciexLynnx 15

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:06

People can't fall asleep so they take extra, thinking it will help.

Ray_of_midnight 22

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Monday 18 February 2013 22:18

Possibly she forgot she had taken the first dose? I've heard of people doing some awfully weird stuff on Ambien. I don't know if short term memory loss is on the list of symptoms but who knows.

Fsvb 32

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Tuesday 19 February 2013 15:08

Yes, it is on the list of symptoms.

xStaciexLynnx 15

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:03

We have videos of my mom on Ambien. People do some pretty odd stuff...

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Monday 18 February 2013 19:21

YouTube Money! Just sitting in your house! Go Viral with that stuff!

xStaciexLynnx 15

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Monday 18 February 2013 22:20

Indeed. She threatened to kill me if it shows up on YouTube though. haha.

chanellgymnast 17

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:05

She be thirsty.

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:45

She is* be can't be used there because....you know what fuck it

Attica 20

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:57

katt_is_here 24

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:12

Sounds like damn good advice to me!

fksfsdhfsdfh 26

Monday 18 February 2013 17:13

When i saw "relationship with oneself" i laughed so hard!

friedpwnadge 25

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:14

My left hand begs to differ.

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:20

Because your right hand is a dominatrix??? *Beg! hand. Beg for your orgasm!

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Monday 18 February 2013 18:07

I don't think zoidbergs hand/claw would be anything but painful in this situation

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 18 February 2013 18:43

Hence the begging...

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Monday 18 February 2013 17:15

Your mom was trying to teach you her secrets.