Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice...

By buxton1 - United States - Ramona

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35475

You deserved it

3357

Favorite

Intimacy

Out of it

Ghosted

Delayed proposal

By Directionally challenged - United States

Today, I started my new job as a mail carrier. One of my assigned roads was Milbrooke Street, which I'd never heard of. After driving around for ages trying to find it, I called for directions. The street doesn't exist in my city; it's just the boss' way of seeing how stupid you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37855

You deserved it

8277

Favorite

By unsatisfied - United States

Today, I was working at the grocery store and a very old woman wanted to give me a tip for bagging her groceries. She slid a quarter into my pocket against my thigh as deep down as she could get it, then she gave me a smile and a wink. I was groped by a grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60189

You deserved it

4415

Favorite

By theregoesmyspermcount - United States

Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

69719

You deserved it

5674

Favorite

By GnarCarBar - United States

Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back. I quickly realized I haven't been touched in so long that I was smiling to flies landing on me in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28693

You deserved it

4637

Favorite

By Jeri - United States

Today, I begged my husband to take me to the ER cause my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. He told me to go sit on the toilet and stop being a drama queen. I drove myself to the hospital just in time for my appendix to burst. I almost died because my husband was busy playing xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59872

You deserved it

4315

Favorite

By EchoDearEcho - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34757

You deserved it

4742

Favorite

By poururheartout

Nice.

Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3178

You deserved it

358

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23940

You deserved it

8190

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Natick

Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20139

You deserved it

8362

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11656

You deserved it

73550

Favorite

By purple - France

Today, I went to a camp my friend invited me to, thinking we'd just be roasting marshmallows all day and hanging out outside. Nope. It was a soul searching, "get closer to Jesus" camp. The first five hours were spent repeatedly praying and singing. I'm not a Christian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38078

You deserved it

10371

Favorite

By nacho - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing he said to him was, "You're an idiot for dating my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34978

You deserved it

4315

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28694

You deserved it

6966

Favorite

By twice-a-day - United States

Today, my house is suffering from an infestation of these tiny black beetles. After brushing my teeth tonight, I was rinsing out my toothbrush when I found that one of the beetles had curled up to die between the bristles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36895

You deserved it

4008

Favorite

By for my brother in law - United States - Oxnard

Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17725

You deserved it

6655

Favorite

By Becky - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28833

You deserved it

2365

Favorite

By Tyler - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46102

You deserved it

9629

Favorite

By catlady - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I awoke at two in the morning to my cat putting his most recent kill on my chest. When I jumped up screaming, the dead mouse went flying and now my husband and I can't find it. Better yet now both my husband and my cat are giving me the silent treatment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23626

You deserved it

2418

Favorite

By darn it. - United States

Today, I was at a bar with a friend. A guy came up to me, took my drink and drank it. I laughed and jokingly said "now, you have to buy me a drink." He said "I would rather buy your friend a drink." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51921

You deserved it

4133

Favorite

By Rick - United States - Spartanburg

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28971

You deserved it

4788

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Hagersville

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15357

You deserved it

55814

Favorite

By dancer101 - United States

Today, I met my daughter's boyfriend, who she hopes to marry. I asked what he does, to which he answered, "I'm a Flamencologist." Flamencology? The study of Flamenco? Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks

27758

You deserved it

6960

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 12:02 - Canada - Ottawa

It wasn't me

Today, my mom blamed me for her family knowing about my dad cheating on her. She has forgiven him after multiple affairs with different ladies, yet she blames me that her family found out because they question her decision to be with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1053

You deserved it

Favorite

By spartanson

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40292

You deserved it

4201

Favorite

By Username - France

Today, it was my first day as a mailman. One of the houses got a bunch of cards, and the owner coincidentally opened the door as I arrived. So I said to the owner that someone in the house must really be popular. He replied, "She died this Tuesday." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35015

You deserved it

6555

Favorite

By kaitlyna15 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27864

You deserved it

1783

Favorite

By rozziepop - United States - Visalia

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27347

You deserved it

3461

Favorite

By epic174 - United States

Today, my sister told me about her upcoming trip to Mexico. I asked her how she was going to do anything without knowing any Spanish. She told me she's "just going to read their lips". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35258

You deserved it

2788

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1866

You deserved it

1362

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34008

You deserved it

62872

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Depew

Today, I parked my car in the company lot and walked down the street to a mandatory company training. While I was at the training, everyone back at the office decided to leave early and locked the company lot. My car is now stuck there for the night and I'm walking home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19816

You deserved it

1515

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Hurricane

Today, at work, I wanted to scare my best friend, who is also my coworker. Thinking that he was cleaning the women's bathroom, I snuck in and right when I was about to scare him, my store director came out of the stall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1878

You deserved it

3704

Favorite

By Slow Down - 29/10/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Close Zoom, quick sharp

Today, I had a first date via video, due to Covid. It was the first time a girl had asked me out, and she seemed very enthusiastic. Until she started to worry me by throwing in the L-word about 10 minutes in, and talking about our wedding. I've never even met this person in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1053

You deserved it

104

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43144

You deserved it

3323

Favorite

By ThanksForTheWarningDad - United States - Wood River

Today, my dad didn't mention he had just aired up the tire on my van and that it might have a hole in it. It wasn't flat when I left the house but it sure as hell was when it exploded, not even a mile down the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12112

You deserved it

896

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved out and took all his things with him. He also took some things that didn't belong to him, namely my rent money. My landlord comes tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46065

You deserved it

3791

Favorite

By rachele321

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2775

You deserved it

189

Favorite

By wtf? - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother compared having me as a daughter to having a deadly kind of cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49217

You deserved it

5660

Favorite

By mighthavepaidfortwodates

Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2036

You deserved it

317

Favorite

By wookieewhosshe

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1470

You deserved it

127

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By katt_is_here | 24

#5373040 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:12

Sounds like damn good advice to me!

By xStaciexLynnx | 15

#5373029 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:03

We have videos of my mom on Ambien. People do some pretty odd stuff...

COMMENTS

By cupcakechick | 17

#5373011 - Monday 18 February 2013 16:57

you should take ur mom to the doctors

xStaciexLynnx | 15

#5373036 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:07

It's a sleeping pill. She'll fall asleep and it'll wear off. There's not much a doctor can do.

cupcakechick | 17

#5373400 - Monday 18 February 2013 22:29

she can overdose

JustOhSoLovely | 6

#5373777 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 4:02

She already overdosed. Now it needs to wear off.

By Kidkaplan | 19

#5373015 - Monday 18 February 2013 16:58

She may need a lower doseage

AssTard | 15

#5373033 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:05

You don't say?!

MissMae93 | 23

#5373083 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:36

Actually - she took a double dosage, as in she took twice the amount prescribed.

TheAbstract | 15

#5373098 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:49

So technically, she would need a lower dosage, at least in that moment. Not trying to be a smartass here. Just being technical.

kwyk | 23

#5373523 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 0:17

Technically, you were being a smartass.

nigsuzzi | 3

#5374171 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 11:36

Always better than being a dumbass!

TheAbstract | 15

#5374270 - Tuesday 19 February 2013 13:16

Thank you!

katt_is_here | 24

#5417520 - Saturday 23 March 2013 20:33

Technically, you were just wrong and should admit it. Technically.

By Cbizzlez | 10

#5373022 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:00

She sounds like a fun person to party with.

howdeedoo | 22

#5373096 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:47

Really? Cause it seems like she'd fall asleep pretty quickly

MrBurnard | 7

#5373115 - Monday 18 February 2013 18:05

Yes.. but only if you behave apparently

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5373413 - Monday 18 February 2013 22:58

She sounds like a terrible politician.

By t_Wag13 | 7

#5373028 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:03

Why did she take twice as much?

xStaciexLynnx | 15

#5373035 - Monday 18 February 2013 17:06

People can't fall asleep so they take extra, thinking it will help.

Ray_of_midnight | 22

#5373391 - Monday 18 February 2013 22:18

Possibly she forgot she had taken the first dose? I've heard of people doing some awfully weird stuff on Ambien. I don't know if short term memory loss is on the list of symptoms but who knows.