Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

Classic dad joke

Today, we got a dog. My husband was adamant that we should name him Gonit, so I agreed. A friend asked what the name meant, and my husband said, "Why wouldn't you name a dog Gonit?" Then I got it. FML

Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

Drew?

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaimed, "That was amazing Drew." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name, which doesn't sound anything like Drew. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

Nice imagery

Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents. Trying to make a good impression, so when her dad asked how we met, I jokingly said, “She just couldn’t resist me.” Her mom smiled and asked if we used pet names. Without thinking, I said, “I call her my little burrito.” Her dad choked on his drink, and my girlfriend whispered, “Why would you say that?” FML

Call me by my name

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Her new nickname for me is "Mr. Breakfast Sausage." FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML